Intrusive In-laws

[babygirlmama1]

Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable!

Me and my OH had a baby girl 8 weeks ago and becuase of the coronavirus his parents haven't seen her since she was 2 weeks! I completely understand that it's a shit situation but they FaceTime us to see the baby every single night! I'm beginning to get really annoyed with the constant FaceTiming but my OH gets really angry and defensive when I ask if we can have a few nights out!!

I get that they wants to see their first grandchild but every time they FaceTime they always make little judgmental comments about me and my parenting skills e.g oh the baby looks too cold, oh I wouldn't do that , oh hold her better , oh make sure she doesn't fall! And worst... last week I was having a down day and they text my OH after the call and said I looked really down and he should keep an eye on me becuase I might not look after the baby properly!! I know I'm a good mum and love my DD unconditionally so I would never do anything but look after and love her! I come off the call crying every night becuase i feel like I'm being judged!!

When I bring it up to my OH he's very dismissive and claim I have a problem with his family and I should get over it!

I have never really got on with them as I was bullied by my OH sister for 3 years and his parents took her side which lead me to have a breakdown 5 years ago! So I'm always a little on edge when I have to see them or speak to them!

The day I had our DD within 2 hours of her being born my OH had already invited them to the hospital to meet the baby when I asked him not too as I wanted to save the moment at becoming a first time parent and spend it bonding as a family! When they arrived I was still recovering from a painful and traumatic Labour and his mum took the baby out of my arms as soon as she walked in! They spoke and treated me so bad that the midwife has to usher them out and pretend that the visiting hours were over as she could see how horrible they were treating me! When I brought this up again my OH just dismissed it as excited grandparents

Am I being unreasonable in asking for some space to bond as a family of 3 and not speak to them on FaceTime every night?!

You seem to think you have to obey your OH. You don't.

He can tell you to do facetime. You can refuse. You can ignore.

He can tell you to come back to handle the grizzly baby. You can refuse. You can ignore.

He can expect you to cook his dinner and do his washing. You can just stop doing both.

A man can be in a big grumpy huff and you can choose to do absolutely nothing to make him feel better. It is OK for a person behaving badly to be left to feel bad and sad.

A male's grump, moan, whine, shout is not a command you must jump to obey.

Learn to let him be pissed off. Get your own way.

Your OH comes from a family of bullies. If you are unable to stand up to them get your own family and friends to support and help you to do so.

Mate, your OH is a dick and his family are abusive.

Give him one chance to have your back and if not pack my stuff and go to your mum.

You need support not criticism.

He's an amazing boyfriend and dad

He really is not.

He shouts you back because he can't 'cope' with the baby (translation - it's too much like hard work to bother to learn to look after her so her palms her off on you when he's bored of her).

He's lazy in the house.

He refuses to stand up to his family about their treatment of you.

He insists you participate in these calls every night despite the fact they upset you, and he stays silent when his parents criticise you non-stop.

He refuses to respect your privacy and puts the video call on you when you are breastfeeding.

What exactly is the point of him?

Pack your stuff, not mine!

"Don't drop the baby"
Thanks for the top tip Mary but I think I can manage

"Stop feeding so I can see my granddaughter"
Eh no, I am feeding her, in fact I'm going to take her upstairs and do it privately, see you during the week" then leave the room

"Come back my parents want to see the baby"
Frank they see her daily, they saw her now, she needs feeding, I am leaving. And leave the room.

All of this!!

Asterix fail. Sorry.
Hopefully post still works without it

OP what your confusing is the love for his family unit and his love for you.

At this point your feelings are totally irrelevant to him. Your the mother of his child and his partner that’s it. Your not an adult woman who he respects and cares about.

There is a point where you have to recognise what he is doing and do t let the fact that he is nice sometimes cloud the fact that he is actually just like his family. They All see you as some one to push around.

Do not go on FaceTime later. Tell him to fuck off. You have to dig deep yourself and start standing up for yourself - as no one is going to come and rescue you

I've tried walking out the room and having 10 mins to myself but my OH will call me back when the baby is crying and he can't deal with her! And then when I pick the baby up to try and leave the room it's oh my parents want to see her you can't take her away!!
Tough shit
Just go and leave him to it.
You DO NOT have to engage with them if they are nasty to you.
If your OH starts just tell him you arent engaging with them if they are rude.
The End

Firstly, would you react the same way if the calls and comments were coming from your parents?

If not then don't let these people, who lets be honest have nothing to do with you, tell you how to raise your child. I know that sounds harsh but MILs especially can become quite nasty. Speaking from experience, you need to tell them how it is NOW. I had the exact same shit you're going through with my eldest and it just got worse.

Can you and baby go and stay with your Mum for a while OP?

You're allowed to leave a relationship during lockdown. I'm not suggesting that you end things, but show your 'partner' that you won't tolerate being treated so badly. It sounds like he needs a good sharp shock to the system.

Try sitting him down and having a good talk first. Explain that you need him to have your back. Ask how he would feel if you insisted on a daily face time with your mother so that she can criticise his parenting.

If he won't listen, then you leave to stay with your Mum for a few weeks. Hopefully a bit of distance will help.

Use that time to reflect on whether you want another 18 years of living and parenting with a partner who won't stand up for you.

When DH and I were planning our wedding his parents were very critical of our plans (which were perfectly normal for a wedding at that time, like serving alcohol at the meal and having a free bar). Eventually they blew up at me on my own and were shouting at me and saying some quite unpleasant things. DH sat them down and read them the riot act. Told them that anything they want to say to us should be said to us both, how dare they treat his wife to be like that, and if they did it again they wouldn't be invited. That's what your partner should be doing. He should have your back!

You have a serious DH problem and I would be sorting that out pronto. He needs to start showing you respect as her mother to not treat you like crap.

What? He doesn't sound like an "amazing boyfriend and dad" at all. He sounds like someone who has no respect for your feelings, who is too lazy to parent (so defaults to you to do all the hard work) and is demonstrating to your child how NOT to treat partner.

Seriously OP, this man is not amazing - he's an amazing dickhead. It's time to get angry and not worry about arguing with him. After all, he and his family aren't worried about upsetting you. Why on earth are you allowing them to treat you like this?!

He's utterly shit & so is his family, but you knew that & decided to have a baby with him anyway.

What on earth do you find so fantastic about him that you put up with this?

Tell your husband that you will not breastfeed in the same room as the facetime call ever again. It's intrusive.

If they call when you are feeding, he leaves the room to talk to her himself, or arranges to call them.

Then you can say hello, then say you need to do some chores (washing, tidying etc) and leave the baby with your DH. If she cries then he can either learn to settle her himself (under his mummy's direction) or you come and get her.

This situation is really awful OP I think you're blaming your MiL but your husband is putting their desire to see their grandchild above your need to be supported as a new mum and its affecting you and the baby.

Standing by and saying nothing while they criticise you, shoving a phone in the babys face while they are trying to feed, shows he cares more about not upsetting you than them. I can't believe he expects you to speak to them at all after how she has treated you.

He does not care about your feelings. Can you imagine him telling you how upset he is about something to the point of tears and you telling him to get over it? Can you imagine your child crying about something when they're older and you being that cold and dismissive of their feelings? He does not get to invalidate your concerns like that. Who does he think he is to make you do something that makes you cry every single fucking day. If he accuses you of being nasty to his parents or not liking them so what, give him a taste of his own medicine and tell him hes being too sensitive and needs to get over it.

You've tried to speak to him and he is refusing to understand. It doesnt sound like there is anything you can do to make him listen. So you will have to take action. These are your options as I see it.

Start being more proactive. Call them at a time that's convenient for you. Be more assertive - when they say she is cold etc say thanks for your concern but I'd prefer if you didn't make comments like that as I am capable of looking after her properly. If you criticise my parenting I am going to end the call etc.

Tell your husband you're going to join in on a call twice a week, in the daytime not in the evening when the baby is cluster feeding and doesnt need to be over qqstimulated. If he carries on in the evening anyway and the baby cries, ask them what they've done to make her cry! Say she is over stimulated and you're taking her to a dark room to feed and calm down, if they complain you are taking her away from them or stopping them seeing her say I am doing what's best for the baby, I am putting her first.

Lastly I'd seriously think if there is anywhere else you can go. Could you stay with your parents for a while to get some space? If you leave things as they are it's going to drive a massive wedge between you. I think this is the only way you will actually show your husband how seriously you are taking his lack of care about your feelings and him bossing you around.

By the way he doesnt sound like a great dad making his baby do something they dont want to do, disturbing them when they are feeding, and seeing housework and parenting as 'helping' rather than something he should be automatically doing an equal share of (or far more when you've got a newborn and recovering from birth). A great dad does not invite his family to see the new baby when his childs mother wants space and peace to bond with the baby. You might be able to accept him pleasing himself and his parents at your expense but I really think you shouldn't accept it at your baby's expense

OP I ring my dad everyday because he’s 89 and lives alone, it’s exhausting.
How you cope with a newborn on FaceTime everyday I just don’t know. You need to put your foot down. I could not physically and mentally put up with that amount of intrusive behaviour. Tell them once a week maximum.

They're all just pushing you around becuase you'll take it. You need tell him you're going to feed the baby in private and let him speak to his parents alone. He's putting too much pressure on you. No discussion, I need a break.
Next time you're face timing them and she says something nasty then tell her immediately, well that's not a nice way to talk to the mother of your grandchild is it? Just every time "that's not nice".
Out of all 4 adults, how you feel takes priority, because you're the one that has just gone through a massive physical and emotional change, and you need to recover aswell as caring for and bonding with your vulnerable new baby.

But he is very lazy! He's such a mummy's boy and had everything done for him! When we moved in together I put my foot down and told him to step up but he decides when he does and doesn't want to help

You need to get this sorted now, otherwise you'll be doing all the housework/childcare for the next 20 years while he sits on the sofa. This is one of those threads where I cross my fingers that you're not going to be financially dependent on him too...

If he can't deal with his child for 10 mins, he needs to practice. He needs chores that are his and that you don't bail him out of (because why should you?). Are you getting the majority of the lie-ins at the moment? Because you should - you're doing all the overnights.

Make sure you're taking at least an hour a day for you... in fact, the duration of the Facetime calls would be perfect :)

Time to be less obliging. You are an adult and do not need to do what you are told. I bet you’re itching to say “fuck off, I’m feeding the baby, we’ll call you when it suits us.” Why not just say it?

And your DH is not amazing, he’s a lazy dickhead manchild incapable of putting you and your baby first. He needs to learn how to take care of his own child and cut those apron strings. If not, then what’s the point? You’re going to end up as the skivvy.

OP, my husband and I have family overseas and the 8 month old has had video chats with aunts and grandparents since he was a few weeks old.. but not once has it been when he was being fed. Its intrusive and over the line. No matter who it is. If the baby is crying and distressed, calls end; if he/she is hungry, calls end; if it's time to sleep, calls end.. the baby comes first - not the adults.. that's just the way I think it should be.. the baby depends on you and if your partner doesn't see that, then you need to tell him that in unconditional terms. I get that they want to see him, but it sounds like it's for their pleasure, not the baby's.. and that's where I would put my foot down..

Your relationship with your parents-in-law doesn't sound promising, but the current situation does provide a great opportunity to find a way forward. They want to see the baby more often, your OH needs to acquire some practical parenting skills, and you need to be free of constant criticism.

Just let your OH take over the FaceTiming and all baby care during the FaceTime session. Those calls need to fit round the baby's needs at a time when you can leave her, so right after a feed is good. After feeding the baby, plop her into his lap and suggest he start the call. Make yourself unavailable - going for a walk could be easiest, or failing that a long bath with the door locked. His parents presumably have some experience of looking after babies and will be able to advise him if he needs help.

They'll feel helpful and involved and get to see their grandchild every day. He'll learn that he CAN look after his baby for an hour. You get a break from baby care - not just now but in the future as his experience and confidence grows. You are spared your in-laws' critical comments.

You won't be in the room and won't have to hear any negative comments they may make about you. If your OH tries to relay any such comments later, tell him you don't want to hear it.

You need to start getting boundaries and quickly. I think you may be exaggerating a little. I find it hard to believe they actually said 'keep an eye on her she might not look after the baby properly' I think you're summising the actual words to interpret what you think they mean. But either way they sound intrusive and OTT. Stop participating in calls. If your wet and drippy mummy's boy dh wants to- let him. Don't ask what they said. Keep out of it. When your baby is old enough she'll soon be crying for mummy over gran.

He is NOT an amazing boyfriend and dad! Not yet! He puts his parents' wishes before yours and can't cope when his own child is upset!

Sorry. You need to do what YOU want when he's on the phone to his parents. Put your foot down now.
I don't know why you have any relationship with them at all after the way you've been treated and he clearly didn't stand up for you then either.

Are you afraid of your partner, OP?