Intrusive In-laws

[babygirlmama1]

Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable!

Me and my OH had a baby girl 8 weeks ago and becuase of the coronavirus his parents haven't seen her since she was 2 weeks! I completely understand that it's a shit situation but they FaceTime us to see the baby every single night! I'm beginning to get really annoyed with the constant FaceTiming but my OH gets really angry and defensive when I ask if we can have a few nights out!!

I get that they wants to see their first grandchild but every time they FaceTime they always make little judgmental comments about me and my parenting skills e.g oh the baby looks too cold, oh I wouldn't do that , oh hold her better , oh make sure she doesn't fall! And worst... last week I was having a down day and they text my OH after the call and said I looked really down and he should keep an eye on me becuase I might not look after the baby properly!! I know I'm a good mum and love my DD unconditionally so I would never do anything but look after and love her! I come off the call crying every night becuase i feel like I'm being judged!!

When I bring it up to my OH he's very dismissive and claim I have a problem with his family and I should get over it!

I have never really got on with them as I was bullied by my OH sister for 3 years and his parents took her side which lead me to have a breakdown 5 years ago! So I'm always a little on edge when I have to see them or speak to them!

The day I had our DD within 2 hours of her being born my OH had already invited them to the hospital to meet the baby when I asked him not too as I wanted to save the moment at becoming a first time parent and spend it bonding as a family! When they arrived I was still recovering from a painful and traumatic Labour and his mum took the baby out of my arms as soon as she walked in! They spoke and treated me so bad that the midwife has to usher them out and pretend that the visiting hours were over as she could see how horrible they were treating me! When I brought this up again my OH just dismissed it as excited grandparents

Am I being unreasonable in asking for some space to bond as a family of 3 and not speak to them on FaceTime every night?!

I think it’s time you started FaceTime your mum EVERY NIGHT. Also insist that your partner has to join in the entire call.

See if he changes his tune!

Also I love this one, you may need it in the future

We don’t parent by committee. Your parents in law don’t get a say in how you raise your children

Your in laws are arseholes and your boyfriend needs to get a grip. You're not being at all unreasonable, in any of what you've said - they are. I would try just walking away. Take your baby and feed them in another room if they call when the baby is hungry. Tell your boyfriend and your in laws at the beginning of each call that that's what's going to happen, then look the door to keep him out if need be. (This really shouldn't be necessary, but sounds like it might be.) If they get cross, so what? What's the worst that can happen? If you're very lucky, they might get so cross that they stop calling you!

And I'd just not answer the calls. If your boyfriend wants to talk to his parents every night, that's fine - you don't have to be there, nor does the baby. They're being ridiculous, all of them, and trampling over your boundaries left, right and centre. It's not ok.

Babies feed better when they and the mother are relaxed. Having a phone shoved in your face is bad for both you and the baby. MIL should know that. I would tell DH what you are prepared to accommodate, I.e. I will take part if FT sessions twice a week but only after baby has fed. I would also make it clear if they move up here they can come round once a week maximum. Or less whatever you are happy with. They have treated you terribly and are continuing to do so by putting so much pressure on you when if they cared they'd be offering help. Point out to DH that if he wants to see them more he can - but without you and without baby if baby is feeding etc. If he ignores your boundaries then you will stop participating all together. Write it down if you are unhappy saying it. If you just put up with it it'll definitely just get worse.

Oh OP that sounds horrendous

You don't have to answer. If your DH wants to talk to them give him the baby and go put your feet up somewhere else in the house for a bit. But don't tolerate that shit and tell your DH to stick up for you

He sounds like a shit partner and a shit dad.

You sound like you could do much better.

Tell his mother to fuck off and tell him he can do the same if he doesn't start having your back.

Your DP sounds like the problem

If he doesn't mind the constant FT crap then let him crack on.

Very worrying you feel you can't just say 'no I'm not FT again today'

Stuff that

Sorry to say this, but it's a bit late locking the door when the horse has bolted.
You maintained a relationship with someone that you have such a difficult history with and expect that any further down the line this won't be a recurrent theme?
There are inequalities. Regardless of your reasoning, you had your mum move in for a fortnight. Then grope about the face timing. How often are you speaking with your mum?
Be a grown up. Message inlaws to say facetime tonight will be at x o'clock after baby's feed. Better still just go to the bathroom when they call and have a bath. If you don't want to speak, that's fine, just be straight with oh you're going to use some of the call times to have a bath. If he can't manage baby, then he will need to end the call.
This relationship and setup will never be a fairytale ending. So either accept that and be more proactive, rather than victim mentality or accept this is your choice for your life.

There's a Mumsnet phrase that I generally dislike but it applies perfectly here. You don't have an in-law problem, you have a husband problem. Either he backs you up and tells his family to fuck off, or he fucks off himself.

OP I understand that you've accepted your role in your relationship up to this point and it will be tough to break through and establish new boundaries. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your baby. Harness your internal maternal tiger. Let's face it, these people are not going to change, they are not suddenly going to realise they are being awful unless you tell them. And tell them you must. Or leave. Which is bloody terrifying but there is no other way. Because this family want the baby but they don't want you. Do you want to expose your child to this behaviour?

If you can't put yourself first, put your baby first. What is life going to be like for a child who sees their mum bullied constantly? And may be bullied themselves? Time to decide. Stand up to them or leave. It's you or them. If you do nothing you are accepting a long life of this. You can be an amazing mum to this child by yourself. You are enough. Good luck. It's really tough

Op, I posted my first reply before seeing your updates, apologies!

This needs nipping in the bud, right effing now or it will be so much worse later on. I'm sorry but your partner is being so unfair to you, you're meant to be a team and he is not supporting you. Insisting the camera be on you while you feed if you're not 100% comfortable is really not right, it's so intrusive and disrespectful.

My in laws are over bearing (although not as bad as yours) and live 10 mins away. Before lockdown they visited one or two times a week. Now they also insist on face timing daily. But, here are the crucial differences...

When our baby was first born, mil, while not critical of me, was extremely anxious there was some sort of problem with him. Every little thing, she would say 'are you sure that's normal'?? It would worry me and make me think I was being too relaxed. Dh spoke to her and she stopped.

When we face time, she used to try and dictate the time. Dh spoke to her, we now do it when convenient for us. If baby gets fussy, dh will end the call if we can't settle him after a min or so.

Also, a note on breastfeeding. You are Not being 'selfish' by feeding your baby the way you want to. I've seen it before when grandparents (often mils!) say this, they want to feed them or be able to see their face more, blah blah blah... It's batshit. They had their baby, this is your baby and you don't owe them anything. It also doesn't mean your partner can't settle her if you're not available. My dh did really struggle with this at first, but he persevered because I made it clear it could not always be on me all the time and now he has his own ways of calming our son down. Of course there will be times when the baby may just want you, but not all the time and he needs to learn.

I hope you can talk to your partner about all this before it gets worse. If there has been a change in him, maybe point that out and ask what is going on? Make it clear how you feel. Good luck and I hope he sees sense very soon! Xxx

These daily calls sound like the perfect time for you to go and have a bath Your OH needs to step up. He may be 'lovely' in other ways but you will soon get tired of mothering both him and your child, it won't end well, sorry.

From everything you have written I cannot agree that he is an amazing boyfriend and Dad !
One if the ( many) reasons I split up with my first husband was that he never ever had my back . He always took his parents/ siblings side . Always. They all hated me and I was a wreck with the constant criticism about my parenting , appearance etc etc .
Unless you nip this in the bud it will not change.

Let me get this right. You had a breakdown 5 years ago after his sister bullied you for 3 years - she has never apologised to you - and you are still with this man?
I’m sorry but you lost my sympathy right there. You knew the family you were dealing with and you decided to stay and bring an innocent child into this.
The final straw was when you spouted he is a brilliant dad and partner.
Seriously?
He can’t even care for his child long enough to have a FaceTime call.
He won’t back you up.
He lets his parents watch you bf even though it makes you feel uncomfortable.
I mean. It’s quite clear you are going to ignore the good advice on this thread.
I’m not even sure why you posted as he’s such a brilliant dad and partner. Suck up the FaceTime calls and good luck for the next 18 years OP. Something tells me you’re going to need it.

I'm failing to see what's so 'amazing' about your partner. He allows his parents to criticise you, doesn't listen to you, cherry picks the chores he wants to do, can't deal with his own baby. What's 'amazing' about him?

Since lockdown, my DH FaceTimed his parents every day so they can see DD (19 weeks), I am rarely in the same room while this happens and I get on with my in laws!
When I was breastfeeding, he wouldn't have dared attempt for someone to see DD via FaceTime, he would say "she's feeding, I'll call back later"

Maybe say to your DP that you're happy for him to FaceTime his mum so she can see the baby, but you're not comfortable with it happening when you are feeding. And try to arrange a different time? That would allow you some boundaries, and not cause an argument with your DH?

Don't get me started on the fact that he won't attempt to settle his own baby or chooses them over you!

They sound just like my in-laws. We don't speak to them anymore.

The pandemic has some silver linings, and one of them is that you don't need their cooperation to claim some space. Just stop answering. Text back 'our hands are full this evening, we'll call you back tomorrow/Tuesday/whatever.' Create a new status quo.

You need to dramatically reset their expectations for when the restrictions are lifted. Are they expecting to impose on you in person daily once the pandemic is over? Shut that down.

Even if you get along with someone, a video chat every day is a lot. And it is far far far too much exposure to someone who is critical and undermining. Period. Let alone at this time while you are finding your feet as a first time mum. It's not fair on you.

My DH was a lot like yours. He minimised his parents behaviour because that's how he copes and 'keeps the peace'. You need to make it clear- there is no peace for you. This isn't peaceful. It is you taking the brunt of their bullying and selfish behaviour.

I really recommend counselling with your DH. He needs to prioritise you now, and that will mean displeasing his overbearing enmeshed parents. They need to hear 'no' and they need to hear it from him.

Every day is too much. Critical comments are not acceptable. He needs to stand up for you.

He is an amazing boyfriend and dad

Seriously? You are deluded, he is neither. He is a complete prick.

Ideally you need to leave but since you are deluded that won't happen so you need to stand up for yourself to ALL of them, they won't like it because currently they are all happy playing "Let's treat babygirlmama1 like shit and nobody say a word" game, you need to stop playing it with them and letting it happen!!

So tonight say "I'm skipping face time tonight and having a bath, I'll feed baby first"

If he objects say "I speak to them ever day, I am taking a break tonight, do not push me on this because I am sick of their treatment of me and yours too. I am standing up for myself from now on, they are your parents not mine, I don't need to speak to them daily, weekly is more than enough". Then start popping in and out of calls/leaving/just not participating.

Then with the in law's you need start saying " Fuck off". A sharp rightly timed fuck off will feel great, I did it myself once, it was great, was there a fall out? Yup but that meant not seeing them which was great too, all is fine now and it only needed doing once but mine are nowhere near as bad as yours. They are used to treating you like shit, you are allowing it, your oh is allowing it but just because he is allowing it does not mean you put up and shut up, you stand up for yourself!

"Don't drop the baby"
Thanks for the top tip Mary but I think I can manage

"Stop feeding so I can see my granddaughter"
Eh no, I am feeding her, in fact I'm going to take her upstairs and do it privately, see you during the week" then leave the room

"Come back my parents want to see the baby"
Frank they see her daily, they saw her now, she needs feeding, I am leaving. And leave the room.

Stop giving a fuck what these assholes think of you

I hate to say this but he’s not an amazing dad or boyfriend if he’s behaving like this. He needs to have your back 100% yes his parents want to see the baby and that’s understandable but it’s for him to manage the situation so you are comfortable. With all that’s happened in the past, you must have very low expectations if you think this is ‘amazing’

"He is an amazing boyfriend and dad"

You need to up your standards.

Sorry to be blunt but your “partner” (in the loosest sense of the word) sounds awful. He doesn’t much have your baby’s best interests or welfare at heart and he certainly doesn’t care much about yours! I would not want to be involved with a family like his, they sound horrible, and I wouldn’t be able to cope if my partner didn’t care about my wellbeing! He is letting his family trample all over you. Sorry, that’s probably not much help...

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they themselves can think of nothing positive to write about their man.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what will she learn here?. She will merely keep on seeing her own mother being disrespected by her dad and his family.

Are you still planning on staying with this man even though he is a mummys boy who cannot and equally will not back you up here when it comes to his mother and sister.

OP have you posted about them before? I remember reading a thread ages ago about in-laws behaving like this. Sorry of its not you

Not unreasonable at all they need to back off. I too had a overbearing-in-laws-and-useless-wanker-partner problem too and honestly, none of them started behaving any better as time went on but I did- stood my ground with stuff more and more and it got easier.

We had very similar situation - it was my mum calling every night and my wife getting annoyed. They have never had a proper argument as such but never seen eye to eye iyswim.

Anyway i was reacting the same as your husband, but I realised actually that my wife’s feelings were the most important thing - you guys are building your family now - his mum has had her chance to do that it’s not fair to muscle in on your time. A call every few days or once a week would be better.

It’s a hard situation but there is a simple solution. Since I spoke to my mum and reduced contact everyone is much happier - including my mum I think as she felt obligated to call everyday as it became a habit.

Leave aside any resentment about the past it doesn’t matter to this situation- he needs to put you and your DD first.

What is amazing about him? He prioritizes his Mum's feelings over yours, he only does what he wants in the house, he doesn't have your back, he can't look after his own child for ten minutes. Sounds more like a shit boyfriend and father to me.