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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Intrusive In-laws

141 replies

babygirlmama1 · 29/04/2020 02:20

Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable!

Me and my OH had a baby girl 8 weeks ago and becuase of the coronavirus his parents haven't seen her since she was 2 weeks! I completely understand that it's a shit situation but they FaceTime us to see the baby every single night! I'm beginning to get really annoyed with the constant FaceTiming but my OH gets really angry and defensive when I ask if we can have a few nights out!!

I get that they wants to see their first grandchild but every time they FaceTime they always make little judgmental comments about me and my parenting skills e.g oh the baby looks too cold, oh I wouldn't do that , oh hold her better , oh make sure she doesn't fall! And worst... last week I was having a down day and they text my OH after the call and said I looked really down and he should keep an eye on me becuase I might not look after the baby properly!! I know I'm a good mum and love my DD unconditionally so I would never do anything but look after and love her! I come off the call crying every night becuase i feel like I'm being judged!!

When I bring it up to my OH he's very dismissive and claim I have a problem with his family and I should get over it!

I have never really got on with them as I was bullied by my OH sister for 3 years and his parents took her side which lead me to have a breakdown 5 years ago! So I'm always a little on edge when I have to see them or speak to them!

The day I had our DD within 2 hours of her being born my OH had already invited them to the hospital to meet the baby when I asked him not too as I wanted to save the moment at becoming a first time parent and spend it bonding as a family! When they arrived I was still recovering from a painful and traumatic Labour and his mum took the baby out of my arms as soon as she walked in! They spoke and treated me so bad that the midwife has to usher them out and pretend that the visiting hours were over as she could see how horrible they were treating me! When I brought this up again my OH just dismissed it as excited grandparents

Am I being unreasonable in asking for some space to bond as a family of 3 and not speak to them on FaceTime every night?!

OP posts:

Itwasntme1 · 29/04/2020 16:06

Would you want your daughter to be treated like this?

If not you need to model how to cope out bullies. You need to set clear boundaries and stick to hem. Say no. Don’t let them watch you breast feed, don’t let them day nasty things to you. Stand up for yourself. Call your partner every time he sides with them.

Don’t allow your daughter to grow up watching you let them walk all over you. It’s unhealthy.

Cryalot2 · 29/04/2020 16:34

poor you, instead of enjoying your dd you are one of the few enjoying lockdown.
You need support from your partner and not that.
He sounds like a spoilt mummy's boy. You know how things are, its is a choice that you are going to have to make.
Have a calm chat with him and point out either he backs you and stops being v unreasonable or you separate. Drastic yes but the inlaws sound a nightmare.
They have no rights about your dd. Tell him you are a great mum and either they agree or they don't see dd. They have to respect you and be polite. You decide the feeding time and tough if they don't like it. You will get in touch when it suits both you and dd.
You could say the health visitor told you to keep to your routine and you do not need an audience feeding.
Give him the choice and tell him . I know its not easy and wish you all the best.

MadameMeursault · 29/04/2020 23:39

OP I am so sad to read your post. Your ILs sound horrible, and your OH just as bad for not standing up to them, taking their side and allowing them to bully you. Please show him this thread. If you’re too scared to, please think about why. Should you even be with this man?

And PPs victim blaming- please stop it.

SandyY2K · 30/04/2020 00:35

If he calls you when the baby cries, you go and pick her up and (maybe say Hi to the inlaws) and walk out of the room with your baby.

Don't listen to anything at that point, just walk away with the baby.

So his family have treated you like shit for years and he has never once had your back?

I thought the same.

*Why the fuck are you still with someone who will stand back and watch you be treated like this?
Yep. I agree.

You need to stand firm and not be bullied. If he wants a daily facetime call with them...leave him to it.

round4 · 30/04/2020 07:09

They are in the wrong for being rude and nasty, like I said yesterday nip that in the bud now.

But try to put yourself in their and your partners shoes, you're annoyed about a phone call every night with his parents but your OH had to deal with your mum staying with you for 2 weeks, if circumstances were different would you allow his mum to stay?

By the sounds of things, they're over-compensating because they're jealous. I'm not meaning to sound harsh, because they're judging you and they should not, but put yourself in their shoes x

frazzledasarock · 30/04/2020 14:52

If circumstances were changed, and OP’s P had given birth had a traumatic Labour and shredded bits, hormones all over the place and PND. I’m pretty sure she would have been fine for his mum to come round, cook clean and take care of her P and help her learn to care for the baby.

OP start putting yourself and baby first.

I’d start bursting into the bathroom and waving the phone at your P whilst he’s trying to shower ‘say hi to my mum, go on why are you being so hateful...’

Your P sounds like a monumental prick, no loving partner forces his breastfeeding partner to FaceTime when she doesn’t want her tits on display to his family.

He’s not a loving partner at all. He’s an arsehole.

LudaMusser · 30/04/2020 14:59

If my partner does FaceTime with their parents and DD I don't get involved. I'm in another room

Don't be afraid of standing up to the in laws and tell your partner to grow a pair and to stop letting his parents treat him like a small child still

nicky7654 · 30/04/2020 15:18

Cannot see a good future with your Husband and in-laws. You are being bullied and belittled and you will lose control of your child. Either be firm with all or leave.

Badassmama · 30/04/2020 16:01

.. in all honesty, is there any way you and baby can go to your parents? I know it feels like you can’t manage without him but you 100% can and he needs a serious wtfu call.

Twigletfairy · 30/04/2020 16:06

You need to take a stand here. All I see is my husband says this and my husband says that. Fuck what your husband says, he sounds just as bad as they are.

You need to set firm boundaries with both your husband and his parents

CHIRIBAYA · 30/04/2020 16:07

This is horrendously intrusive and nobody is showing any respect for your privacy or your boundaries, or you daughter's for that matter. Being a new mum is hard enough without the very people who should be supporting you undermining you at every turn. Try and find the courage to put a stop to it right now and if you are struggling to do that for yourself try and do it for your daughter; she hasn't got a voice so you will have to speak for her. MIL sounds like a nightmare and possibly not let go of her son. Time to make your feelings clear and stick to them or there could be more trouble further down the line. No need to apologise for venting either you are certainly not being heard where it matters! Good luck

BizarreBizarre · 30/04/2020 18:39

My ex was like this. His family would call round unannounced all the time. When I asked him to ask them not to he kicked off. We were getting stupid phone calls about shite at 11pm at night or when our son had an activity ie. Health visitor meetings etc. The calls were always answered and they were allowed to go on and on and on while I waited. It was part of the reasons I ended the relationship.

PicsInRed · 30/04/2020 18:59

That man sounds like a right tit and it seems that the tit didn't fall far from the tit tree.

Leave him or you will never be happy - because they will never permit you to be.

redwinefine · 30/04/2020 19:15

wow, I was ready to say YABU and sensitive - my mother is always telling me that baby should be wearing a jumper/ i need to keep an eye on her in high chair etc from photos. It doesn't bother me. She's far away and just wants to make sure baby is fine. But YANBU. Hopefully your DP can actually step up and tell them to stop pestering you.

BizarreBizarre · 30/04/2020 19:45

Picsinred the tit fell from the tit tree

1Morewineplease · 30/04/2020 23:15

Like so many posters have already said ( take heed) you are being bullied.
You need to find the strength and means to step away from this bullying either by standing up to your partner and his family or by removing yourself with your baby.

All good wishes to you.

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