Intrusive In-laws

[babygirlmama1]

Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable!

Me and my OH had a baby girl 8 weeks ago and becuase of the coronavirus his parents haven't seen her since she was 2 weeks! I completely understand that it's a shit situation but they FaceTime us to see the baby every single night! I'm beginning to get really annoyed with the constant FaceTiming but my OH gets really angry and defensive when I ask if we can have a few nights out!!

I get that they wants to see their first grandchild but every time they FaceTime they always make little judgmental comments about me and my parenting skills e.g oh the baby looks too cold, oh I wouldn't do that , oh hold her better , oh make sure she doesn't fall! And worst... last week I was having a down day and they text my OH after the call and said I looked really down and he should keep an eye on me becuase I might not look after the baby properly!! I know I'm a good mum and love my DD unconditionally so I would never do anything but look after and love her! I come off the call crying every night becuase i feel like I'm being judged!!

When I bring it up to my OH he's very dismissive and claim I have a problem with his family and I should get over it!

I have never really got on with them as I was bullied by my OH sister for 3 years and his parents took her side which lead me to have a breakdown 5 years ago! So I'm always a little on edge when I have to see them or speak to them!

The day I had our DD within 2 hours of her being born my OH had already invited them to the hospital to meet the baby when I asked him not too as I wanted to save the moment at becoming a first time parent and spend it bonding as a family! When they arrived I was still recovering from a painful and traumatic Labour and his mum took the baby out of my arms as soon as she walked in! They spoke and treated me so bad that the midwife has to usher them out and pretend that the visiting hours were over as she could see how horrible they were treating me! When I brought this up again my OH just dismissed it as excited grandparents

Am I being unreasonable in asking for some space to bond as a family of 3 and not speak to them on FaceTime every night?!

Your husband is the problem. He let his sister bully you, his parents belittle you, and is being abusive himself. Get angry at the right person.

Does you OH have any redeeming features? This would be a major deal breaker for me I’m afraid. You need to sit down with him and have a serious chat. If he still continues to disrespect you and your wishes I would be looking to move on from him as he will never change.

Noted that you ask you H if you can have night off face timing. WHY does he get to decide
When I was young I didn’t really assert myself as much as I should have. Since then I I am older and have spent years in a busy high stress job. I believe in being pleasant to people, but if someone tries to bully and disrespect me they will see me defend myself.
Find your anger OP defend yourself and interact with your ILs on your own terms, not your husbands.
Protect yourself, 1st 2nd and 3rd.

He is an amazing boyfriend and dad and I love him so much! But he is very lazy! He's such a mummy's boy and had everything done for him! When we moved in together I put my foot down and told him to step up but he decides when he does and doesn't want to help 🙄

We lived with his parents for a bit when we were saving for a house and it was hell. His sister would shout at me for going to the toilet in the night as it woke her up! She would tell me to bring my own toothpaste as I couldn't used the family one! And one day his mum told me unlesss I paid her £1000 rent a month I had to leave (bare in mind my other half or his sister didn't pay anything) so in the end I walked out and went to live with my aunt in her 1 bed flat! She didn't charge me any rent! To my OH credit he did walk out with me that day and continued to stay on my aunts sofa for 18 months whilst we saved for a deposit! But that's the way this family have treated me!!

My OH tells me his mum regrets how she treated me but she's never once apologised to me!! And nor has his sister!! But they have said sorry to him!!!

We have a great relationship to date but ever since the baby has been born as these FaceTime has started I have begin to see a side I don't like and I don't know where it's come from. This isn't my boyfriend that walked out to slum it with me and be on my side! This is someone else who is putting his parents feelings before mine or our baby's

Honestly op you need to tell your 'D'H straight this will only get worse over time and before you know it your DD will be 1 and they will have all ruined her first year of life for you!!

I would tell him straight if he doesn't want to agree on some boundaries his parents can see her every other weekend when he has her because if he isn't going to show you some respect after you have given him a child then you deserve A LOT better!!

My MIL is awful my DH has only just started talking to her again after 2 years because of the way she disrespected me!

They sound awful and so does your husband to be honest. Try to ignore your in laws but talk to your husband and tell him he needs to start having your back. Good luck and congratulations on your baby! Xx

After your latest update OP I think I would just cut them out to be honest. Life is short, too short to tie yourself in knots trying to please these bullying disrespectful people. You will never succeed with them unless your partner can grow up and support you. It sounds as though he would find that a little difficult.

You have enough on your hands, without dealing with these awful people. As I said, put your baby and your own welfare first, you are worth it.

OH will call me back when the baby is crying and he can't deal with her

ignore him. let granny sort it out & train him to be the perfect parent.
Or maybe that will make him realise that the facetime sessions aren't working out.

It sounds horrible. If I were you I’d make it clear I wouldn’t be doing the calls and be in the bedroom/bathroom. If the baby cried and my partner called I’d ignore him till he brought the baby to me for a feed. If he tried to bring the FaceTime call in I’d say ‘piss off im naked’ or something similar every night. If they asked why I didn’t want to FaceTime I’d be honest and say unemotionally ‘because you are critical and rude’ and not add anything personal about feeling unconfident or a crap mother (they will only use it against you).

However, in regards to your update. There are numerous threads about flushing the loo in the night and how rude some think it is. Also when you lived there did you not buy your own toiletries? There are also threads on here about not using other people’s toothpaste. And it’s understandable that they didn’t charge their own children rent and treated you differently, I’d never live somewhere without paying rent even if I was saving for a house. It sounds like they didn’t really want you living with them - which again is fine really. It sounds like maybe things came to a head because things weren’t communicated properly.

I’d make sure everything was communicated clearly, unemotionally and unambiguously from now on.

He doesn't seem like an amazing dad to me if he can't even comfort the baby properly when she's crying. He's putting his family over you and your happiness. Tell him he needs to start standing up for you or you're done with him

@babygirlmama1 My MIL was similar to yours. Initially, my husband and I would visit once a week as she was about an hour's drive away. She would criticise me in very passive aggressive ways. My husband never said a word. I was unable to stand up to her. On the drive home, I would tell my husband how upset I was and he would say he didn't hear it or she didn't mean anything by it. Truth is he nor anyone else were able to say anything to her. No one had ever stood up to her.Our weekly visits diminished as I hated going over. My husband was then offered a position overseas, which we jumped at. I truly believe if we had stayed in the UK, my husband and I would have separated. Don't let your MIL drive a wedge between you and your husband. If he wants to FaceTime every night with PIL, leave him to it.

He is an amazing boyfriend and dad and I love him so much! But he is very lazy! He's such a mummy's boy and had everything done for him! When we moved in together I put my foot down and told him to step up but he decides when he does and doesn't want to help

He's not an amazing partner or dad. He doesn't have your back. Amazing dads don't call the baby's mother just because it grizzles on a FaceTime with granny. They apologise to granny for having to end the call early then deal with the child. They also pull their weight domestically. Do not have any more children with this manchild.

Curtail the nightly FaceTime calls. I’m all for family involvement but that’s too much. If your dh wants to have daily FaceTime with baby and his parents he can...he certainly should not expect it from you.
Tell him no. You are not an exhibit or a performing seal and neither is baby.

It sounds like you have to take control off the situation yourself. Think about the relationship you want with them and what you want.

If they call at an inconvienent time, eg breastfeeding, refuse the call. You could say "that MIL probably knows breastfeeding time is important for DDs growth etc"

I would be tempted to point out things to them e.g. you could say to PIL "oh you're looking ill, are you eating alright' when they say a negitive thing to you.

If they call and you're out off the room and have to settle DD, I would be take her off with me.

Good luck

It's easier for him to placate his mother. You need to change that.
Don't be afraid to really challenge him on where your boundaries are and expect him to adhere to that.
Offer to facetime your family when he's next having a shower or getting changed and put him on camera. I'm guessing he would feel that's an invasion of his privacy.
Challenge him every time. Don't be afraid to say no to his mother.

Next time she accuses you of refusing to let her see her grandchild, accuse her of refusing to let you have your privacy and refusing "her grandchild" their basic human need. Throw it right back at her and end the discussion.
Make your boundaries a non negotiable.
Its important you do this now because once this lockdown is lifted, it will become much harder.

Your OH sounds like a dick, give him a taste of his own medicine. Speak to your family and get your mum to start calling you and FaceTiming very night and to make critical remarks about him - see how he feels!

So he takes all the credit as the doting son who calls every night and you get criticised as the awkward, precious new mum keeping poor granny from her DGC. Nevermind that your a new mum in the midst of a pandemic. You need to reach out to people IRL - your HV, your family, other mums; because your bf and his family will gaslight you and ignore your feelings. You also need counselling to work on your boundaries and highlight that you and your feelings are important. I had a very similar situation with PIL who refused to leave when a doctor came to examine me post c section, who DH showed all of our photos to including 2 showing me fully naked (apparently PIL are 'cool' so that's ok nevermind my feelings), who created a scene as my baby was being wheeled off to special care because apparently DSS had told them he had no food at home and wasnt allowed to shower - I spoke to him (I work for SS) and he hadnt. The whole family works at appeasing MIL but after her awful behaviour of which there was a lot more including her applauding and squealing with delight that i couldn't bf because DD was so poorly because apparently its selfish and how would she feed the baby, I simply stopped playing the game. You hold all the cards here, you have the power, you just need to connect with it and find your roar. Individual counselling and a support group were transformative for me. We also saw a couples counsellor. MIL still tries the same shit and I'd like to say it doesn't get to me but it does, just not in the same way. Toxic inlaws by susan forward is essential reading for you.

Also your partner needs to see what is happening and be on board. Dh still backslides but does get it now so if I say I've had enough, I'm not visiting etc then he gets it. I've also stopped them doing any childcare for DD as they've started the same shit with her.

Feed baby before phone call and leave the house for an hours walk while he chats to them. They can support him to settle the baby.

Also when they do start coming cover after lock down just be unavailable. Be out, be sleeping so you didn’t hear the door, be at a friends, be hanging out in the garden or park with a book and a picnic. Let him coordinate seeing them in his time.

You need to get this sorted now while they can't visit. My in laws were very similar, and I had no back up from my then husband. He always took their side.
They lived locally so called round all the time letting themselves in [ ex gave them a key ]. Even when ex wasn't there they would just appear, then would phone ex when they left to say I was unwelcoming to them and thought I had PND.
They also kicked off when my parents visited [ parents lived 8 hours away, so had to stay ] as it took "their time" away from them with the baby.
My now ex husband never stood up for me and it made life really hard. We struggled on for 8 years, the split.

If you don't want this to happen you need to stand up to your inlaws and lay the law down and your husband needs to back you up.

By the way, my grandchild is very similar age to your baby and I would never dream of interfering. I never comment when we face time if baby and dil isn't in the room. The baby is theirs, not mine, so it isn't up to me to comment at all on how they do things. I have a very good relationship with them all.

If they ask when you’re free redirect them to DH and state when he’s home with the baby

Why are you Facetiming them when you don't like them? Let you oh have the baby, talk with them and use that time to do what you want to do.

It sounds like they are being difficult but it also sounds like you are letting yourself play victim to it.

Yanbu, your oh is behaving really unfairly to you but I'm not sure why you expect any different. His sister bullied you leading to a breakdown and yet you went ahead with your OH knowing he will never take your side?

Not unreasonable. They sound unpleasant. But the big issue here is your partner.

Don't ask for a day off. Say you are taking a day off. He can facetime them, but you and baby will be relaxing.

God your boyfriend sounds really crap. Sorry he hasn’t got your back at all, that’s rubbish for you. To be honest, I’d just decline any calls that didn’t suit me, message her to say You’re happy to FaceTime but it’ll be when it suits you and you’ll let her know when that is (what time, what day etc)... and call her out on every single bitchy comment when I did accept the calls. To be honest, I don’t see why you have to facilitate these calls.