Intrusive In-laws

[babygirlmama1]

Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable!

Me and my OH had a baby girl 8 weeks ago and becuase of the coronavirus his parents haven't seen her since she was 2 weeks! I completely understand that it's a shit situation but they FaceTime us to see the baby every single night! I'm beginning to get really annoyed with the constant FaceTiming but my OH gets really angry and defensive when I ask if we can have a few nights out!!

I get that they wants to see their first grandchild but every time they FaceTime they always make little judgmental comments about me and my parenting skills e.g oh the baby looks too cold, oh I wouldn't do that , oh hold her better , oh make sure she doesn't fall! And worst... last week I was having a down day and they text my OH after the call and said I looked really down and he should keep an eye on me becuase I might not look after the baby properly!! I know I'm a good mum and love my DD unconditionally so I would never do anything but look after and love her! I come off the call crying every night becuase i feel like I'm being judged!!

When I bring it up to my OH he's very dismissive and claim I have a problem with his family and I should get over it!

I have never really got on with them as I was bullied by my OH sister for 3 years and his parents took her side which lead me to have a breakdown 5 years ago! So I'm always a little on edge when I have to see them or speak to them!

The day I had our DD within 2 hours of her being born my OH had already invited them to the hospital to meet the baby when I asked him not too as I wanted to save the moment at becoming a first time parent and spend it bonding as a family! When they arrived I was still recovering from a painful and traumatic Labour and his mum took the baby out of my arms as soon as she walked in! They spoke and treated me so bad that the midwife has to usher them out and pretend that the visiting hours were over as she could see how horrible they were treating me! When I brought this up again my OH just dismissed it as excited grandparents

Am I being unreasonable in asking for some space to bond as a family of 3 and not speak to them on FaceTime every night?!

You've put up with this for all this time. What on earth made you think it would suddenly change now?

You need to wise up. You’ve had a baby with a lazy mummy’s boy who live-streams your breasts and stands about like a gormless prick while you are slagged off and to top it off he can’t even do any housework or look after the baby. This is not “amazing”, it’s lazy, inept, childish, pathetic and, worst of all, it’s somehow convinced you that he’s on your side when he’s on sombody else’s. Raise your standards and reinforce your boundaries or this is going to be your life for a long time. Sorry to be so blunt but, bloody hell, how can you possibly think this is amazing?

From my own experience I would say that this will only get worse. I'm now getting divorced and happier than ever, it's like a weight has been lifted.

So sorry OP, this situation and your in-laws sound awful x

You really need to put your foot down now, OP. They clearly won't change and your OP isn't going to back you up, I'm sorry to say. You should say a firm no when it's a bad time to FaceTime. I love the MN mantra that 'no is a full sentence'.

This sounds very dysfunctional, your relationship, his relationship with his parents and that you even wanted to stay with him for years when he didn’t stop his family bullying you. There’s more to life than this OP, he’s a wimpy lazy teen pretending to adult, what exactly is the appeal in him?

He doesn't sound like a great partner tbh, sounds like he completely dismissed your thoughts and feelings when it suits him. Such as inviting his parent to the hospital after you said not to.

Tbh stop being on the FaceTime calls. If your dp wants his parents to see your dc, then he does it not you.

The same when lockdown has finished, if he invites them over you go out and get some time to yourself or he takes your dc to their house.

But remember. Your dc is YOYR child not theirs. So make sure it's in your terms, once a week is more than enough. You need to put your foot down in this now before your dc ends up with them more than you.

Also, sort out your dp doing his fair share! Deciding 'if' and 'what' he wants to do is just ridiculous

Agree with pps. If you want to stay with this man, and theres a strong case for leaving him, you need to stand up to him, his family and politely but very firmly tell them how things are going to be from now on.

Hi OP
I had a similar situation with my MIL (she passed away last year). My DH never acknowledged it and pretended it didn’t happen or wasn’t as bad. IME unfortunately the only thing that worked, was ignoring the comments and mean remarks. People don’t change easily, especially not old people. To a degree, my own DM is similar (why has the baby no socks on, she must be cold, she needs another blanket, the pushchair is too close to the river, you look exhausted, remember how exhausted you looked after giving birth,)
Facetime once a night is completely OTT, 2-3 times a week to see the baby is enough. You DP can chat to them jf they feel like calling every night.
Please don’t let them get to you, it sounds like you are a lovely and caring mum.

He’s not amazing-he’s awful.

He let his sister bully you. He let his mother bully you. He continues to let his mother bully you. He does not have your back and never will unless you start sticking up for yourself properly. Now is a good time as we are in lockdown. Good luck

He is allowing his family to continue to bully you and this is and will carry on with your child.

I don’t believe they truly felt remorse for bullying you all that time. They probably said something to appease him. True remorse comes with apologies and modified behaviour.

In what way is he a good boyfriend and father? All I see is a bully and mummy’s boy.

I'm so sorry OP, thus us the last thing you need with an 8 week old.
Sending you lots of love and strength your way. X

This thread is genuinely quite heart breaking OP. They are all awful to you. I am not a particularly confrontational person but I would flat out refuse to have anything to do with these calls, and probably them in general.

And your partner... completely ignoring your boundaries by shoving the camera back on you when you are breastfeeding and have asked him to stop, ignoring your feelings and allowing all this bullying to happen, can't look after the baby for 10 minutes... how can he possibly be a good partner, like you say, if he is this unsupportive, or a good dad if he is too lazy to look after his own child for 10 minutes? What qualities can he possibly have that make him a great partner and dad??

I hate to say it but they all sound genuinely awful, and you would be better off leaving and having nothing to do with the lot of them. You certainly shouldn't entertain another minute of these Skype calls.

Oh FFS don’t do more of those. How stressful
My mum has yet to meet my 5 months old baby and I don’t FaceTime with baby. I send videos.
This is ridiculous and not good for a baby learning about the world to be stuck on a screen and nobody likes the criticism.
Your DH can just read a book about baby development or get the HV to tell him you need a mental break

Omg, sending you hugs op. Having a baby is exhausting both physically and mentally, and you're really at your most vulnerable. Unfortunately lovely boyfriends and husbands can turn out to be clueless dads in the beginning, so as hard as it is you must put your foot down! Your wellbeing is the most important thing here because baby can't thrive unless the mum thrives. Facetiming a baby daily is completely ott and has no benefit for the baby, so it's all for MIL's benefit at your expense. My DD is now 6 months old, my parents live abroad and are the most wonderful and loving grandparents, yet we only facetime once a week.

Your partner sounds awful, he really needs to put his big boy pants on and start prioritising his family- you and the baby! Sit him down to agree on ground rules together and stick to them. If he can't do that I'd kick him out school and send him back to his darling mum's!

In what ways is he amazing?! List them. I bet nobody else will agree 😂

There must be a piece of research out there showing how blue light from screens is bad for newborns and that they shouldn’t have any exposure at all to screens under the age of two years old? However, if this arrangement continues, why don’t you get your 0H to handle the video every day? He can hold the baby, be responsible for dealing with the comments et cetera. That way he gets to spend quality bonding time with his parents. In fact the more I think about it this I think is the best way forward. And he should be encouraged to have his daily video calls with his parents. You by contrast can walk out of the room and do whatever it is you would like to do so for that 20 minute period. More generally I would’ve thought the evening would be inconvenient? My daughter by then had a very strict schedule for getting her down to sleep and anything going on around 6 pm would have frazzled her and upset her. But if he is holding the baby it is his problem to handle

My MIL in mostly lovely but she has in the past passed unwelcome comments. One being how I made a drink for DD,mi put her right pretty quick (politely!)....you just need to think ahead and be strong and they won't mess for long. I've fallen out with FIL for pulling him up on his bad behaviour. Don't be afraid to stick up for yourself and if you have to do it bluntly now is the time so they know to back off. It's scary but you have to find the strength to do it or you'll have a whole life of it.

My ex MIL was very much like your partner's mum, everything was about her wants & needs, she never considered what anyone else wanted. She also allowed her daughter to become a carbon copy of herself. When ds was born I was very poorly, in high dependency, the morning after ds was born, her & SIL arrived outside visiting hours & insisted on being allowed in, I was drugged up to the eyeballs, still in my theatre gown from the night before with a catheter, drain, drips etc. They had been shopping & proceeded to plonk themselves down with what I can only describe as an M & S picnic, I hadn't had any sleep for 4 nights, was so tired I was hallucinating. My organs had started failing during the night, they knew how poorly I was but everything had to be about them. It continued like this once we were home, I had terrible pnd & struggled to bond with ds, instead of leaving us alone to have time to bond, she was turning up every day, wanting to stay 2-3 hours, my mum was helping care for me as due to PND my mental health was shot, I didn't want anyone else but my mum who was doing things like washing & cleaning as well as gently pointing me in the right direction in how to care for ds because I had never really had much contact with babies, she encouraged me to spend time with ds & helped me gain confidence that I could do it as well as supporting me through the PND. Mil showed off that my mum was there, when mil came round she always took ds off me, demanded I make her a coffee, never did anything to help, exh didn't stand up for me, like your partner he was spineless, one day I was really struggling & feeling that I would never be a good mum, I went to the toilet & when I came back ds was gone, sil had come round & taken him to MIL house round the corner, she didn't bring him back until I insisted that exh ring & tell her to, even then it took 2 hours before she returned him, I was distraught. It didn't matter what I did, nothing was ever good enough, exh never supported me, he always took his mum's side, it played a massive part in destroying our relationship & marriage.

With this history I don't understand why you had a baby with him.

He is an amazing boyfriend and dad

No. He's really really not.

Time to up your standards. You deserve to be treated better.

So next time he summons you tell him to piss off you're not a genie.

Where are your parents? I'd be packing up until he sorts his shit out.

So he's more concerned about keeping his family happy than he is of making sure you are? That is not being a great partner and father!
Sit him down. TELL him how you feel and what YOU find acceptable and stick to it!

They are all bullying you including your partner. If he dared to shove a phone at me with my boobs out I’d slap the phone out of his hand ‘I SAID NO! YOUR FAMILY ARE NOT SEEING MY TITS!’ It’s abusive to do that when you have said no. Each time his mother makes i e if her suggestions just get annoyed say ‘oh ffs I’m out’ hand the baby to your partner and walk away if he shouts you back say ‘oh no you are her father start parenting!’ If his mother says stop feeding her just look horrified and say ‘are you mental or just thick SHE.IS.FEEDING that cones before you!’ Walk off again

Give your backbone tell your Dp that he is abusive and useless and unless things change he can go live with his lovely family. There will be no breast shots, he had to look after the baby during the calls as you won’t be involved, if they call whilst she is feeding then tough shite. They can call back or you will call back when it’s convenient. You have to do these actions. Every time like training a dog and tell your DH you will be sticking to it and if he doesn’t grow up and start doing housework and parenting then he can give off as he’s useless to you. Also get a photo of his balls and threaten that each time he abuses you by not taking no for an answer about boob shots you will post it on Facebook!

Wait. His sister bullied you for 3 years and you still stayed with him, and then went on to have a baby with him?? I would have left that clown car of a family and 'D'P after ONE MONTH of bullying, if not less. If the bullying went on for 3 years, that means your OH did absolutely nothing to stop it, and let it happen. And, allowed his mother to defend the bully. How could you have put up with that for 2 weeks, or a month? Let alone a year, let alone 2 years, let alone 3? And then go on to cement your connection to his toxic family by having a baby with them? I don't understand. Your OH is absolute TRASH. He really is. He is NOT a 'great boyfriend'. He doesn't give a shit about you. He doesn't defend you. He enables the bullying of you. He dismisses you and invalidates your needs. He doesn't give a flying shit about you.

He is NOT a 'great dad'. He is willing to interrupt his little girl's feedings. He is willing to have a phone shoved in the little girl's face every single night, for no need and no reason. He does not even know how to comfort his own baby. He is a shit dad and someone who should never have been a father. And, he will never put her first, before his mother.

Respectfully, you are deluding yourself. You are with a lowlife pos who treats you with contempt and does not give a rats about you or your needs, or his own daughter's needs. Please, wake up! Get out of this relationship, he will NEVER be a real man. He will always put you last, certainly after his mother and his bully of a sister. You had red flags flying at you 3 years ago, and you ignored them and went on to tie yourself to him and his family for life. Please, don't ignore these red flags, too. You will never be happy in this relationship, he will never treat you the way you, his partner and the mother of his child, should be treated. He will NEVER choose you. Ever.

Even it came to ultimatum you or his mum. He will choose his mum over the mother of his child. You really need to leave and establish a life for yourself and your daughter on your own. So she grows up with a healthy balance of self respect and not learning that her father treats her mother is 'normal'. What you describe is abuse, it is not normal.

They are all bullying you including your partner. If he dared to shove a phone at me with my boobs out I’d slap the phone out of his hand ‘I SAID NO! YOUR FAMILY ARE NOT SEEING MY TITS!’ It’s abusive to do that when you have said no.

Completely agree with this, I was genuinely appalled by this part of your post OP. He knows these people have belittled and bullied you and you have said you don't want to be on camera talking to them. That should have been enough and he should have respected that as NO. To then force the camera on you, over you saying no again, when you are exposed and vulnerable, is horribly abusive. This man does not respect your boundaries, he is as bad as they are.

I’d just block them on everything. If your OH moans, send him packing. The way they treat you is disgusting and as is your Husband for allowing them to get away with it.