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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Some people enjoy patronising and depressing others

999 replies

Esprohuy · 25/04/2020 13:11

Clearly everyone is having a different experience of the current situation. It seems to me from the posts here and elsewhere that MN is full of people searching for threads from people either asking genuinely when others think the restrictions may be reduced, or people expressing mental or emotional.distress due to being locked away, sometimes alone. The pattern is the OP posts, there are a couple of sympathetic/in the case of lockdown speculation dovish opinions then the Depressor swoops, usually with a formulation along the lines of:
If you think these restrictions will be lifted anytime soon you are a naïve fool. Christmas will be cancelled and things will never fully return to normal

In the threads expressing mental distress their standard formulation is a variety of:
FFS pull yourselves together. It's been (insert number) weeks, how the F do you think people coped in the war the. All you are being asked to do is stay in and watch Netflix

There seems to be a remarkably large number of people among this cohort who claim grandparental involvement in WW1/2 and have a partner/sibling serving as a front line NHS worker. These depressors seem to scour MN looking to pounce on people expressing povs like the above.

OP posts:
Drivingdownthe101 · 29/04/2020 17:52

DominaShantotto welcome!

Orangeblossom78 · 29/04/2020 18:05

More reporting on that 'ebola' story...reveals the following facts on the patients to put things in context in case that scared anyone.

Coronavirus in numbers
Study of NHS patients

72 — The median age of patients admitted to hospital

80 —The median age of those who died

0.8 per cent of patients were were aged under five and 1.4 per cent were under 18

60 per cent of patients were male. “Those who have poor outcomes are more often elderly, male and obese,” the report says.

88 per cent of those who died had an underlying illness

But 47 per cent of those admitted into hospital had no underlying condition

For patients who received care on a general ward, 55 per cent were discharged alive, 31 per cent died and 14 per cent remained in hospital.

For those admitted to critical care 31 per cent were discharged alive, 45 per cent died and 24 per cent continued to receive care.

61 — median age of those on ventilation. Only 20 per cent had been discharged alive by April 4, 53 per cent have died and 27 per cent are still receiving care. By contrast, for influenza patients ventilated in ICUs in 2009 the death rate was 31per cent

The case definition of cough and fever, if strictly applied, would miss 7 per cent of hospitalised patients

4 per cent of patients presented with only stomach problems or other intestinal symptoms

Pregnancy was not associated with a higher risk of mortality, unlike influenza. The share of pregnant women mirrored the proportion in society.

Esprohuy · 29/04/2020 18:08

Some really high quality posts here. The stuff about the changes in emphasis and quality of the media really made me think.
One thing that has struck me recently is how I used to think I was simply an individual at the mercy of this massive monolith which I often disagreed with, public opinion. But what is public opinion only the collective thinking and perhaps prejudices of millions of people added to the silence of others. As I've entered progressed in life I'm much more inclined to call out what I see as bad behaviour or herd or muddled thinking immediately. It's been really illuminating how often you find that many others were thinking the same.

OP posts:
Orangeblossom78 · 29/04/2020 18:19

The WHO gave out something to combat all this stuff, and the emotion etc, think it basically said to preserve your mental health look to factual info and avoid the news.

Might be good for those of us being bothered by this media dementoring & emotion, it can be quite contagious! Even if i don't believe it it can leave me with a knowing sense of unease and "what if?" sometimes.

Willitneverend · 29/04/2020 18:32

Yeah, I was really starting to flip out the weekend before lockdown and was almost hysterical at the sight of a camper van. It was too much news and social media, I spent less time on them and more outside and felt a lot better.

FallonSwift · 29/04/2020 18:34

On too many nights, the news bulletins at 6pm and 10pm run along these tramlines: here’s something about Covid-19; here’s someone who died; here’s a sobbing relative or frontline hero telling you to stay at home, save lives and protect the NHS.

This is such a good point.

I have to say I am already dreading the clap tomorrow night. Every week it gets louder, longer and more dramatic. At first it was a few houses clapping for a minute. Then it morphed into clapping and banging of saucepans for 5 minutes. Now it's a good 15 minutes of clapping, saucepan-banging, yelling, car horns going and fireworks being let off.

At what point does it stop? Are we ever allowed to stop? Is it when the pandemic stops being a pandemic? Is it when the virus disappears from the UK? Does stopping full stop mean that you hate the NHS and don't appreciate what frontline staff do? How many of those clapping now are the same people that you see in the news assaulting paramedics and attacking ambulances out on call? If you love the NHS then show your fucking appreciation by paying tax, not abusing A&E and not treating ambulances like bloody taxis.

OutwardBound2016 · 29/04/2020 18:39

My DH made a good point, our local GP surgery publishes figures for missed appointments, they are awful, often 300 a month I bet a lot of people clapping and ‘appreciating’ the NHS are also the people missing appointments. I appreciate the NHS every day, and have had years of excellent treatment I do not need to clap on my doorstep to appreciate them and I won’t be bullied into it.

BarkandCheese · 29/04/2020 18:43

When someone posts “You should be scared!” for a second I think, should I? Then I realise no, concerned maybe, but I’m not going to live my life in constant fear because dementors want that. It’s serves no useful purpose to be scared all the time. Again it comes back to risk assessment and critical thinking. I know what the risks are to me, and I know how to best minimise them while also having some semblance of a life.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 29/04/2020 18:47

On too many nights, the news bulletins at 6pm and 10pm run along these tramlines: here’s something about Covid-19; here’s someone who died; here’s a sobbing relative or frontline hero telling you to stay at home, save lives and protect the NHS

Totally agree. Imagine if all we heard all day long was how many people died in car crashes- every night there would be a running total of how many died, what circumstances, how horrific the car crash had been, grieving and crying relatives taking about their loss etc.
Then, all day long there would be debates about car crashes, discussions of seat belts and how effective they were and footage of car crash victims in hospital. Every night, TV adverts saying "be careful in your car, dont have a car crash- you might die or kill others!".

Now imagine how paranoid you would be going out for a drive!!!
Even the most level headed person would probably feel a twinge of anxiety as they opened their car door to go on a journey. Its no wonder people are becoming obsessive and doom mongering.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 29/04/2020 18:51

When someone posts “You should be scared!” for a second I think, should I? Then I realise no

Yup! Living in a state of fear is doing NOBODY any good, what an utterly ridiculous thing for them to say. Fear and panic is exactly why we ran out of food and toilet rolls when it wasnt necessary. Stress and anxiety stop you behaving logically and rationally and stress significantly reduces the effectiveness of your immune system!

The absolute worst thing to do in the midst of a crisis is to bow to fear and panic. Its the people that panic in catastrophic situations that usually perish.

sonjadog · 29/04/2020 18:55

The "you should be scared!", "you should be worried!" crowd were very active on MN just before the lockdown. I never really got what good being scared or worried was meant to do me. I'm still not convinced them being scared and worried has made them better prepared for the last weeks´ lockdown.

MarginalGain · 29/04/2020 18:59

The WHO gave out something to combat all this stuff, and the emotion etc, think it basically said to preserve your mental health look to factual info and avoid the news.

The WHO i.e. the World Health Organisation?

Aren't they still claiming that the covid19 mortality rate is something like 3.5%?

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 29/04/2020 19:00

When someone posts “You should be scared!” for a second I think, should I? Then I realise no

I'm not scared. Granted, I don't much fancy a dose of CV19 but if/when this does happen there isn't much I can do about it. What good will it do to live in a constant state of neighbour-reporting, curtain-twitching hysteria and standing with a clipboard at the bottom of my drive to count the cyclists? I have the option at present of working from home and barely putting my nose out of doors. I don't anticipate this will last. But for now, I'm doing it. What more can anyone possibly do?

I was (amusely) informed by another Mumsnetter that I'd be singing a different tune when I was carted off in the back of an ambulance, my children screaming and crying after me as I desperately struggled for air, deprived of a last hug from the family I was no longer allowed to see as I was dragged off by [devils with pitchforks to hell] - sorry, by HCPs in spacesuits to breathe my last ...

The horror. The horror.

Orangeblossom78 · 29/04/2020 19:01

Why Marginal, do you have an issue with the WHO? Maybe you could explain further.

Orangeblossom78 · 29/04/2020 19:04

The advice I meant from the WHO was specifically regarding mental health, not about mortality rates, no. Obviously as they say on their site they are updating their info as times goes on.

Do you feel they were underestimating or overestimating the mortality rate perhaps? It's so hard to know for sure isn't it as many people have mild symptoms.

Orangeblossom78 · 29/04/2020 19:06

Would have thought hyperventilating with panic would not be conducive to recovery from covid no, maybe breathing exercised perhaps but not hysteria, no. Would have thought that would make it worse.

questionzzz · 29/04/2020 19:16

Last week Canada witnessed its worst ever mass shooting. The subsequent investigation revealed that a number of the victims were at the same party with the perpetrator the night of the shooting. As this news broke, one anonymous commentor (not on mumsnet, not clear if man or woman) said "well, they (the murdered victims) were assholes for not following physical distancing guidelines"

!!!!!
In fairness, a bunch of other commentors immediately took on that comment.

But that is peak Dementor behaviour.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 29/04/2020 19:25

But that is peak Dementor behaviour

Yeah thats classic dementor behaviour. According to them, being shot is clearly a "just punishment" for not social distancing and it conforms to this puritan idea that anyone not following the rules is evil and bad and deserves everything they get- including death it would seem. Even WORSE- they must have been having fun!- which means they are extra, extra bad.

questionzzz · 29/04/2020 19:28

Yes, very upsetting and inhumane attitude. I wonder where it comes from, sounds like something medieval from the time of witch-burnings.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 29/04/2020 19:31

Yes, very upsetting and inhumane attitude. I wonder where it comes from, sounds like something medieval from the time of witch-burnings

PP have said that dementors are the exact type of people who would have reported Anne Frank's family to the Nazi Gestapo and sadly, I have to agree. If they are this bad now, imagine how much more they would ramp up in a situation like war. Its actually quite frightening.

thesuninsagittarius · 29/04/2020 19:37

Oh thank god for this thread! I've spent the day reading it, and it's done me so much good. I can't bear to watch the news, have avoided it for weeks and just watched the Downing Street briefings. Today I just thought what is the point? I switched off and listened to music instead. The BBC should be ashamed of themselves for the over dramatisation and emotive language they use. I believe that today the number of deaths in care homes and in the community was added to the total of all deaths in hospital.
As a result my news feed on my laptop was screaming 'DEATH TOLL LEAPS TO 26000'
Nothing is leaping anywhere. The number of deaths in care homes etc is for the entire lockdown period, is that right?
It's so good to read so many sane, well researched, rational posts on here. And I deliberately bought ice lollies, chocolate biscuits and toffee yoghurts with my shopping today, how many people have I killed do you think?

questionzzz · 29/04/2020 19:40

The police in our area actually had put out a statement asking ppl NOT to call 911 if they see others apparently violating physically distancing measures... The number of calls had spiked. Some of it can be explained of course by fear and ignorance, but some of it is just mean-spiritedness and wanting to see others in trouble (especially if those others happene to be ethnic minorities, as happened in a couple of situations).

It is such a hard time as it is, why try make things worse for other or indeed, for yourself?

GhostsToMonsoon · 29/04/2020 19:45

This is the kind of thing I see on my local Facebook/Nextdoor:

  • fire breaks out at beauty spot. People complain about yobs flouting lockdown rules, as if arsonists should hold off until after the lockdown;
  • someone asks if there is a company that would take their garden waste away as the council isn't collecting it at present. Cue another person asking why on earth they are thinking about such pointless things when 20,000 people have died;
  • I mention that I take my dog on a walk of 1-2 hours from my front door and someone comments that people like me are the reason why nurses are having to isolate and not see their children.
Teateaandmoretea · 29/04/2020 19:51

At what point does it stop? Are we ever allowed to stop? Is it when the pandemic stops being a pandemic? Is it when the virus disappears from the UK? Does stopping full stop mean that you hate the NHS and don't appreciate what frontline staff do? How many of those clapping now are the same people that you see in the news assaulting paramedics and attacking ambulances out on call? If you love the NHS then show your fucking appreciation by paying tax, not abusing A&E and not treating ambulances like bloody taxis.

Can I let you all into a secret? I have not been out at all, even once. Don’t get me wrong I appreciate completely what the NHS workers are doing but I won’t be forced to go outside every Thursday on demand like a performing seal. Some HCPs feel awkward about it anyway.

BarkandCheese · 29/04/2020 19:57

My local Nextdoor had one of the most bonkers posts I’ve seen firsthand. Last Thursday a poster said he hoped the 216 people he’d seen across five different local parks sitting on the grass weren’t planning on clapping for the NHS that evening as they would be hypocrites. This nutter had been all over town to visit five parks so he could count the number of perceived rule breakers. I didn’t post on it because honestly where do you start with something like that?

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