If you're a teacher Aibu to ask for your funniest story about a student

[cultkid]

There's so many posts from teachers who are just on their knees and it's so terribly sad
I see you I hear you and I am sorry

I don't have kids in school yet. My son will start in September if things go to plan

I was just talking about passing notes at school and my husband and I were cracking up

Any stories of weird notes, experiences or things that make you laugh and think I do love my job

LIGHTHEARTED ONLY

I taught Year 1 for my NQT year and had the loveliest little girl who was like a teaching assistant. I had a course to go on and when I came back the supply told me he didn't know how to teach a phonics class but that the little girl had done it instead of him 😊

I once had a yr 11 student, who was quite ‘lively’. I had him sat at the front of the classroom and one lesson he was uncharacteristically quiet. He was sat with his chin leaning on his hand gazing at me with a dumb smile. I tried my hardest to ignore him, until eventually he said, loudly for all the class to hear when I was mid-sentence ‘Miss, your eyes are the colour of lion fur’

He was also the student on a visit to a baptist church, when looking at the baptismal pool, who asked the minister if you could get baptised naked....

Name changed as outing.

At a school when I was on teaching practice:-

Twins, both kept forgetting their reading book, teacher says ‘you really need to look for them’, one twin turned to the other and said ‘I think I know where they are, they are under mummies bed next to her plastic willy’

Happened to me:-

Child in year 1 tells me the police were at her house last night because ‘mummy and daddy were making dirty videos in the garden shed and the police come and took them all away’

You know how when you're giving an example you say "Say if ... " at the beginning ... Reception children did not understand award points at all and were asking for award points hourly. I sat them down to explain examples. I started to explain. "We don't get stars if we ask for them. We get stars if we do some very good work or if we are kind or polite." Blank stares. I had to explain further. "So, say if you have written your name beautifully." Immediately the whole class chants, "If you have written your name beautifully ... " It was like magic honestly! For the whole class to misunderstand all at once like that!!

I had a lovely KS1 class on supply once, was pre-warned some of them could be a bit tricky so made sure we made friends in the morning! Come the afternoon I was suddenly told I needed to take them down to assembly with the head, When they were lined up I did that thing where you point to your eyes with 2 fingers and then point to them, they said what’s that mean miss? And I told them it meant I would be watching how beautifully they behaved in assembly because I knew they could do it. All happy. Went to assembly, sat in their line, walked over to my seat turned around to sit down, the whole class were grinning and flicking the v’s at me, right in-front of the head, to let me know they knew I could behave beautifully through assembly too loved that class.

Used to work in Primary. Working one to one with a boy in a Year 2 class who used to go around and ask all the girls if they wanted to marry him. Sometimes one would say yes and there'd be a break time playing mummies and daddies or whatever.
There was one very small girl who kept ignoring him, though he was quite insistent. When he asked why she wouldn't marry him, she turned around and said very loudly.
"Marriage is a patriarchal institution used to oppress women and keep us as second class citizens. Please go away, I'm playing with Ellie."

I'm guessing she picked it up off of her mum but she was so tiny and said it so well. Twas very funny.

@Whiskas1Kittens that's so cute I love that story!

I’ve been teaching 20 years so have many stories but here’s my particular fave ...

One year I had a timetable period where I would be in the withdrawal room supervising pupils temporarily excluded from lessons.

One day a ‘bad boy’ was brought in. 10 minutes in he said ‘fuck this shit’ and walked out. I reported this and found out he had actually walked out of school ... but not before he signed himself out.

Love the fact he walked out of school but had the social responsibility to think if there was a fire people would look for him!

The Reception child who lay in the metal trough urinal just because he could - and the rest of the boys just kept weeing in the other end!

Around twenty years ago, in an RC comprehensive, one of my then Y12s was standing for high office, and produced badges and flyers proclaiming, "Vote for Laura, the best girl for head!"

The younger half of the staff-room got it and kept quiet, whilst all the senior staff seemed blissfully ignorant.

I was running a trip and had hoodies to give out that arrived in a huge box (50 hoodies need a huge box). So I gave out the hoodies at break, then went to the staffroom for a drink.
When I came back for my next lesson one of my year 11s was missing, so I marked him as absent on the register and carried on with my lesson. At a particularly quiet part of the lesson when everyone was listening, out he jumps from the box in the corner of the room. Totally destroyed my lesson but it was hilarious!!!

I was supervising a Year 10 class in a High School. The teacher who was there before me was a beautiful blonde. I sat down at the desk and the boy in front of me gave a sigh. “I’m glad you are here Miss. I couldn’t concentrate when Miss Davies was sitting in front of me”.

Asking my class is it possible to have percentages over 100, good discussion going until one girl said "well yes, because I am 110% fabulous"

Working in my office one morning, a new Brass Ensemble, run by a member of staff whose background was in the Salvation Army, was making noise. It was awful - I can smile sweetly through the tone deaf shouting words, I can teach an entire class recorder, but this was the most awful racket in the history of awful rackets.

When the strangled metal bucket noises finally died away, I realised one of my favourite girls was heading for the stairs - ASD with absolutely zero filter. If she thought you were being a dick, she would tell you with absolutely zero malice (and if you told her that was quite rude, she would apologise profusely and not ever do it again until she felt you were being a dick for another reason).

'FUCK ME! WHAT IS THAT FUCKING AWFUL RACKET? THEY NEED TO GIVE MISS MITZI SOME EARPLUGS AT THE VERY LEAST IF THEY'RE GOING TO BE DOING THAT BY HER OFFICE EVERY FRIDAY!' and then she wandered off upstairs.

Sadly, I completely lost it and started laughing hysterically. So those poor kids and the teacher didn't just hear her opinion of the noise they were making, they heard me roaring with laughter.

Subsequent practices were held in the soundproofed studio.

Can’t tell the funniest one sadly, because it’s very outing.

We did have a reception child who, in about the fourth week of term, was found weeping against the fence in the playground. When questioned, he matter of fact oh informed us that he was ‘having a piss’ and when asked why he wasn’t using the toilet, he said ‘didn’t know we ‘ad one of them’. Came from a rough family, very different from the middle class village children we usually teach, so was quite the novelty for us!

A year 2 class.
I had just completed my input and asked if anyone had a question.
One little girl put her hand up and asked if my toenails were painted the same colour as my fingernails.
Now I always ask if anyone has any questions about the actual work.

Weeing, not weeping.

Ofsted inspection some years ago.
I had a mixed KS1 class ( 4- 7 year olds.)
The lesson was about changes ie baby to toddler to child etc.
One little boy suddenly announced ,
"I know how to tell when a boy is grown up into a man."
Without thinking I said "Do you? How?"
( Then wished myself a thousand miles away.)
Dramatic pause...
"Cos when he's a man he gets a bald head."
I was SO relieved!

Friday afternoon, bottom set Year 11 and attempting to teach about plugs, wiring and fuses (when it was in the Science GCSE). I had prepared a 'fill in the gaps' worksheet, giving the first letter of each word. Nobody could get the word 'fuse'.

'For goodness sake, can somebody just shout out the four letter f- word?'.

Another one when teaching Year 8 about sound and demonstrated a tuning fork in various different ways and explained how it worked. Asked them if anyone knew what is was. 'Is it called a vibrator Miss?'.

Once when I was helping in reception class we were discussing different clothes needed for different situations eg, different weather, different times of day etc, and the conversation led onto what people wear at bedtime.
One little boy put his hand up and said “ daddy always wears mummy’s nighty at bedtime but she gets very cross with him and I probably shouldn’t have told you that “
🤣😆🤣

Not a teacher but a TA, by far the funniest thing was a little boy in reception class who proudly announced during circle time ‘I just farted’.

I had to gag myself that time.

I also worked in an ASD unit in a mainstream school once. The school was big on inclusion and so we would go on trips with them etc. It was at one of these trips that one of our kids loudly announced that the play we were watching was ‘fucking shit’.

I was teaching Reception in September. Stood against the toilet room door, reminding children to flush toilet, wash hands etc. Little boy standing weeing, back is to me, door closed but it's a cowboy door so I can see his face as he turns to me. "I have a little willy. My daddy - he has a very big willy. Much bigger than mine. You will see him at home time." Hmmm ... I tried to avert my gaze at home time when daddy came to fetch him. And just hoped that the little boy didn't bring up the conversation again.

One of my kids threw a snowball at another. Normal enough until you know the classroom was on the third floor and 10 minutes into the lesson. I have no idea how it didn't melt.

I was being observed by Ofsted once many many years ago. Focused on my own performance and the resources that I'd spent ages making from scratch.
One of the boys at the back of the room had lit a cigarette and was sat there smoking!
Year 10 / age 15 in a tough school.

I sent him out but I still failed the lesson. Understandably. But I was devastated. 😢 I remember crying to the head and really feeling the injustice of it. I was so young!

He did it because ofsted were there. Never had it happen before or since. ☺

Earwigged on Y1 talking about where babies come from

"Well it's quite simple really, if a Mummy and Daddy love each other a lot they can ask God for a baby and he will bring one. They can even ask for a boy or a girl."

"Well my Mummy definitely didn't ask for my little sister because she told me!"