If you're a teacher Aibu to ask for your funniest story about a student

[cultkid]

There's so many posts from teachers who are just on their knees and it's so terribly sad
I see you I hear you and I am sorry

I don't have kids in school yet. My son will start in September if things go to plan

I was just talking about passing notes at school and my husband and I were cracking up

Any stories of weird notes, experiences or things that make you laugh and think I do love my job

LIGHTHEARTED ONLY

Ah I'm loving these please keep them coming.

As an aside, knackered means just worn out/tired (not from sexual activity) but some consider it a rude world. My mum for example lol

Knackers are bollocks.

When something is bolloxed, it's useless.

When an animal was worn out/useless, it went to the knacker's yard or the knacker man came to deal with it.

There might be two roots of the word from slightly different angles, but in all, the word isn't one for polite conversation.

It now just means tired but the original meaning was as I said. That's why older people think it rude.

I think many schools have stories of a resident ghost. In one Junior school I taught at, the ghost was called Nancy and she was supposed to haunt the girls toilets in the basement. When teachers were on duty, the last thing they had to do before closing the door to the playground was to check that the toilets were empty. I was on duty one day and just checking the basement toilets when a small child came into the toilets, took one look at me and screamed "It's Nancy!" I must have been looking particularly rough after a tiring day!

"It's Nancy!" Oh Lord

At the same school, there was a particularly awkward parent who was always complaining about something or other. I was on the top floor of the school at the top of one of the staircases when I heard him asking one of the other staff where I was. I decided to nip downstairs to the ground floor and lurk in the staff room until he had gone. Halfway down, I heard the voice of the headteacher somewhere near the bottom of the stairs. It so happened that I was avoiding him too because I hadn't handed in some document or other. I was trapped, unable to go up or down, so I did the only thing it was possible to do and hid in the cupboard on the landing where the costumes for drama were kept. It was a bit like a large wardrobe. Unfortunately for me, the parent had actually come in to discuss what costume his child would be wearing for the nativity play and one of the TAs decided to bring him along to the cupboard to see what was available. There was nothing I could do, I just smiled brightly as the door opened, said "hello Mr F" and styled it out. He was so taken aback that he didn't even ask me why I was in the cupboard!

Placemarking to read later

A Y4 class I taught about 13 years ago, my god they were hard work! Towards the end of a particularly tough day in the summer term, coming in from a PE lesson, one of the more challenging boys almost made my year:
Him: Miss, you're the nicest teacher I've ever had.
Me, practically on my knees: Oh xxxx, thank you, that's very kind of you to say.
Him: Yeh, you're not the best but definitely the nicest.
Me: ....... .........

I left teaching 6 years ago, but my husband still roars if this anecdote ever comes up!

This might be a “you had to be there” story, but deciding to play a video of one of the songs from Cats as a way of introducing the poetry of TS Eliot was possibly a mistake.

Watching the little faces of entire class of children as they are confronted with the terrifying spectacle that is Cats for the first time.

I’ve skipped the whole thread so I can post this and go back to read at leisure I know that quite often, people are too happy to give teachers a bad name but when my Mam was a wee girl (In the 1970s), she had a horrid home life and her mother would send her to school without basic supplies. It turns out that my Mams teacher knew that something wasn’t right so one day when all the kids went out to play, my mam was kept back by her teacher who gave her a bag with all the cooking things required for that afternoons home economics lesson so she could join in. That meant the world to her so cheers, whoever you were

Talking about fairness with 6 year olds. One little girl said it wasn’t fair that she wasn’t allowed to jump on her bed, but she heard mummy and daddy jumping on their bed all the time.

I used to be a Drama teacher and each year we would put on a traditional Christmas Pantomime. The cast was a mixture of pupils and staff. Good fun for all. One year we did Cinderella and the role of Baron Stoneybroke was played by the head of the science department. There was one scene, he was to pick up a bag and walk across the stage - the bag was there but, of course just padded with paper. On the last night - and totally without my knowledge - the kids in the show gathered up every single stage weight they could find (all heavy stuff) and replaced the paper with the weights. I have never forgotten the look on the Science head teacher's face as he swept across the stage, picked up the bag and could hardly lift it ! But, good for him - he carried on as if nothing was wrong and staggered off into the wings. I thought, well done kids, that is ingenuity - I couldn't be angry with them !

I've done a lot of supply in schools and FE colleges.

One class I taught on a regular basis but didn't know by name. I went into the class room looked around and before I started the register said, "There don't seem to be many people here today, who's missing?"

Several students pointed to an empty chair and said, "the dark one", I was the only white person in the room and I very unprofessionally corpsed.

I've told this a number of times

Me:Did yoiu just say pheasant
Student: No Miss. What's a phesant?
Me:It's a bird, you can eat it
Student: Uhg, who'd eat a bird
Me:Do you eat chicken?
Student goes red and friends laugh

I did a one day cover teaching maths all day (subject not really relevant but it meant I stayed in one classroom) A year 9 class come in and as I'm taking the register I hear, "Miss, do you take it up the arse?"

I pretended not to hear but made sure to report it.

One of my main subjects is Computer Science, most trooms are aranged so you can't see the students screens but usually you have software where you can take over or freeze a screen and you can also project that screen onto the main white board.

I have been know to take over a screen and look for 'my little pony' before projecting it onto the screen when someone has been playing a game.

Obviously you need to know the class fairly well to do that.

My favorite classroom had all the screens pointing to the front so students had their backs to you when typing, they had swivel chairs so you could get them to turn round and not have any distractions.

Yep 17 years old and it hadan't occured to her that chicken is a bird.

My last day of teaching at the same school, my last class of the day- they all knew they were the final pupils I would have there. My classroom had a small room straight off the corridor, a main teaching room and a second small room for department staff which had a door (without alarm) leading out to the rear outdoor area. During the final teaching period a colleague came by to wish me well and I left the kids for a few minutes to get on with the work. I went back into the main classroom and ….. it was empty ! The kids had vanished. I went to the staff area, saw that the emergency door was open, looked outside and there they stood - with a huge bunch of flowers and a giant box of my favourite chocolates. The colleague who had come by to wish me well was obviously there to distract me. Great kids, think often of those happy days.

I used to teach at an fe college and the year before the olympics took a group of event management students to London as they were doing educational trips and lessons around the area. There were 2 other (male) teachers with me as well as it was a large group. Whilst we were doing the classroom stuff with the presenter I had to nip to the loo, leaving the other teaching staff to supervise.

Came back to find one lad laying across a table, trousers round his ankles, bum in the air with a pencil sticking out between his cheeks. Complete chaos in the 5 minutes I was gone. And the other teachers had nipped out for fresh air. I was mortified at the time, but still giggle thinking about it now.

@sashh We had that software as well and I would check to see what students were looking at. If they weren't working; i.e. playing games or shopping I would takeover their screen and project a scary clown image. Probably mean, but I used to love hearing a squawk of fear from a corner of the room

At one secondary school I worked in, we had to do playground duty once a week at break time. We were allocated an area to patrol. My area included a shed well know to be a smokers hang out. The smokers would post a look out, so you'd know that they were behind the shed if you saw one lone student standing nearby. Not very smart. But they'd stop and move away if approached.
However, one break time, after doing this and moving them on, they moved to hang out by some benches. After patrolling my circuit again I approach the group of students on the benches. I can see smoke, smell smoke but can't tell which student it is. I engage them in small talk, ask if anyone is smoking. One particularly brazen lad says 'oh no miss, we don't smoke'. I ask him if he's sure? I can smell it? He assures me no. Spins me a yarn. What he's not realised is that these benches are in front of a big reflective window, and I can see in the reflection the lit cigarette he's holding in his hand. I smile at him and politely ask him to turn and look at the window. His face was a picture when he realised I could see his cigarette. I carried on smiling while I informed him that he'd have a lovely time later in detention.
I just love how teenagers try to get away with things and think we've not heard it or seen it all before.

I worked as a 1:1 TA, but obviously "mucked in" where necessary with the rest of the children too. At dinnertime, a little lad (Y2) was seen to be wrapping a girl up with a skipping rope, and I thought I ought to intervene...
"Why are you doing that?!"
"She's my girlfriend miss, and my dad does it to my mum, and she likes it..."
There was very little I could say, other than "skipping ropes are for skipping..."

Freezing windy day in near deserted playground. Two girls doing hands and knees crawl along base of wall.
"Oh, its OK miss, we're just playing 2nd WW, we're doing it in history. Sure enough, there was their friend holding a 12 inch ruler like a machine gun and wearing what looked like a tea cosy as their helmet standing on a bench at the far side. "The guard can't see us because it's dark"

Oh, yes! I loved that software.

I went for the sax solo for My Lovely Horse on such occasions.

A few of these are worthy of a safeguarding report. The fact that they're passing as "hilarious stories" makes me question their legitimacy

There's always someone that spoils a fun thread

That sax solo is genius!

How do you know the teachers in question didn't make a safeguarding referral as well?

The Robert Redford story in front of the Ofsted inspector is a gem!
Love these, most are just so cute and show how much many teachers like their pupils.