If you're a teacher Aibu to ask for your funniest story about a student

[cultkid]

There's so many posts from teachers who are just on their knees and it's so terribly sad
I see you I hear you and I am sorry

I don't have kids in school yet. My son will start in September if things go to plan

I was just talking about passing notes at school and my husband and I were cracking up

Any stories of weird notes, experiences or things that make you laugh and think I do love my job

LIGHTHEARTED ONLY

At secondary school, teaching a MFL unit about shopping in a market. One of the pupils asked for 25 kilos of cheese.

In another secondary class, when things seemed a little slow, one of the boys muttered, 'Let's get naked!'
At my inspired, teasing response, 'You first, Ben, you first!', he blushed crimson, all his classmates snickered and he never mentioned it again.

I was teaching reception many moons ago and the kids loved news time where they told the class something about themselves. One kid stood up and told us their mum was ill. I said ' Poor mummy I hope she feels better soon.' The child replied 'Oh, it's ok. Daddy said if she hadn't drunk so much fucking vodka then she wouldn't have fucking vomited so much'

Not a teacher but a story from DSs school. Hes in year 3 and they had a football match with another school and won something like 3 - nil.

The whole team ended up in breaktime detention because they decided to give the V for victory sign from the bus.. unfortunately they all got them the wrong way round in front of head of other school and assorted horrified parents!!

When I was teaching sex Ed to year 2 we were naming and talking about body parts. I had told them about the vulva and where it is. One child in my class put her hand up and said 'Isn't that the name of a car? Oh no that's a Volvo!'

Not a teacher but relayed to me about my dd. They had some performers in for the whole school in the assembly hall. At the end of the show it was time for questions.
My dd raised her hand and asked the lady performer why her underarms/armpits were wet. whole hall erupted with laughter apparently. Credit to the performer in answering that it was because of working hard or some such thing.

I think it was y9. After a string of low level disruptions, I'd reached the stage of having to send a pupil to the "buddy" classroom.
He stomped out, shouting "I don't need geography anyway!", attempted to slam the door which had a closure that worked on it's own timescale so lacked dramatic impact, then 30 seconds later, he sheepishly opened the door to ask "Where's C9?"

The irony of the geographical question was not lost on me or the class

I was teaching Year 2 and had just finished the input and was about to send them to their tables to do some independent work. I asked if anyone had a questions. Kid put his hand up.
Me: Yes, X do you have a question?
Child in a complete deadpan with the most serious face: No but I have a joke.
Me: Right... well go on then.

It’s been 12 years and I never found out what the joke was 😂😂😂

Kid never told us so I just sent everyone to their tables 😂

Really loud class I had to walk into. I wasn't feeling brilliant, but it was the last lesson of the day.

One of the loudest piped up with 'Hello Miss'

'Hello'.

'You alright, Miss?'

'Unfortunately, my head is banging, Michael'.

'EVERYBODY SHUT UP NOW! MISS HAS GOT A HEADACHE!'

Instant silence for the rest of the lesson (45 minutes) after the agony of the MISS HAS GOT A HEADACHE . The little wotsits even whispered as they walked past my door 'Bye, Miss, hope you feel better soon, Miss'.

When we had somebody who didn't last long before capability procedures started, a packet of chocolate biscuits appeared on my desk with a note saying 'Because we only have to see him once a week and you have to work here'.

RE, y7, What is God like?

Starter task involved a picture of Michaelangelo's famed paining on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel (no one screamed )

Child A laughs out loud and points out at the size of the first man's appendage.
I ask child A if he knew the name of the first man.
Child A didn't.
I pointed out that Child A and the first man shared the same name
After the class' laughter died down, child A quickly lost his habit of calling out.

It took me a worrying number of months to look at my seating plan to work twig that I had sat Child A next to Child E, a move motivated by her steadying influence rather than Biblical partnerships

I loved that class.

One of the class (Yr 5) had a very snazzy rucksack with indicator lights! Powered by small batteries, same size as found in hearing aids.
Another boy came to me in some distress, having begged one of the batteries and placed it firmly in his ear; quite a worry, as they can be poisonous, but after we'd floated it out with olive oil, we asked what possessed him.
It turned out that his intentions were good; one of their friends wore hearing aids, and when teaching that class, teachers were given a microphone to use, but he decided that it would help his friend to hear even better if he powered his ears up somehow...….

Discussing budgets in a Maths lesson, one of my little treasures asked me how much pocket money I got. I told her I didn't need pocket money any more as I went to work.
"No you don't, you come here every day!"

Not a teacher but my 5 year old declared to her class (ta is a friend so informed me) that we got a new trampoline at the weekend thats so much fun but mummy cant jump on it cause shes had 5 kids and her fanny might fall out

@MockersxxxxxxxSocialDistancing

Not a teacher but went to pick up DS1 from nursery many years ago and was having a few funny looks from the staff.

Eventually, one of them asked if I really spent much time on ships it took us a while to work out that DS had told everyone I was a sailor - at the time, I was actually in sales

He is 18 this week...time flies

I'm a TEFL teacher abroad, I've taught a wide mix of ages. Years ago I had a business class with a very sweet and softy spoken man of around 60, high up in the company. E had s breakfast class and I was eating a croissant, asked if he was going to order anything and he told me cheerily, "oh no, my wife made me a lovely breastfuck in the chicken this morning". Imnlessex with a good poker face and kept myself together until the end of the class, but I've been dining out on that line for years!

• Breakfast in the kitchen, if you're not sure!

Downinthedumps99 that just killed me!

I was talking to a boy in my yr7 class and mentioned my journey to work, he exclaimed “Do you have a job Miss?!”

Year three class who had been learning about the Romans.
At the end of the topic we had a class discussion where I asked them to tell me anything they had learned. Little Sally pipes up “The Romans never invaded Scotland miss, because they were afraid of the pixies.” (She meant Picts)

Same child said she wanted to learn the clarinet and her grandad had given her an old one that had been in his loft for some years. I asked her to bring it to me so I could give it a check over before she started her lessons in case it needed some work ( I play the clarinet) She was very disappointed when I told her she wasn’t going to be able to learn the clarinet because... it was an oboe! She decided to have lessons on it anyway- the only oboe player I ever had in my junior school orchestra in 25 years as a music co-ordinator (she was good too!)

Funniest story was told to me by a fried. A group of yr 5 girls had their “talk” from the nurse about periods and had been shown a variety of different sanitary products. Back in the classroom She asked if they had any questions about what they had learned. One little girl, looking rather worried, put her hand up and asked “Miss- you know those pads with the sticky bits on...

doesn’t it hurt when you pull them off?”

As a brand new terrified NQT, first lesson with bottom set Year 11 in a rough as school surrounded by dodgy areas. One lad sparked up a fag and offered me one! Then he crept up behind me where I was trying my best to not look at anyone and asked me out. Dear Lord. To top off a superb lesson, the screen that I’d rolled back up when I finished with the projector then fell on my head.

Different school, beautiful SEN kids, we were doing body parts plus how to say it hurts in Spanish. We did about 6 examples, writing and pictures on the board. I asked one little lad how we would say this picture-man with bump on head. I was expecting Me duele la cabeza. Little lad looked hard at the picture and slowly came out with “Ouch?’ The teaching assistant was weeping and had to leave the room. I think that was my favourite ever class. They were gorgeous.

If ever we were trying to describe a student and the other teacher just couldn’t picture him/her, we’d send them with a sealed note just saying ‘This is Tom I was talking about’.

One time, another teacher and I thought it would be a great idea to spontaneously swap groups. I can’t remember how it came about, but I ran down the corridor and just asked her to take my lot for 10 minutes.

Same school, and Perry, a lovely lad, not very good at MFL, had a right little Cockney accent and answered every question during his speaking exam in a pseudo Spanish accent but in English. He carried on despite my best efforts to make him switch to Spanish. Back in those days, it was cassettes, so couldn’t be re-done. Just superb.

Also that school, the listening exam hadn’t yet started but one boy had already filled in some answers, including ‘Who is Jesús?’ (Common Spanish name) with ‘The Son of God’. I gave him a new paper and told him he should wait for the audio to start. I don’t know how many times we’d done practices in class, dunno what he was thinking.

@Bookoffacts

I sent him out but I still failed the lesson. Understandably

I disagree. You didn’t fail the lesson. The kid did. You’ve already said you’d prepped and everything. Don’t tell me the Ofsted inspector said he wouldn’t have lit up the fag if your lesson had been more interesting!

Many years ago a very proper 7 year old told me she hadn't been able to sleep the night before because 'mummy and daddy were trampolining on their bed all night'. I had to study the wall intently for a couple of minutes, and could barely look her mum in the face when she came into to bake with a group of children later that day.

I'm not a teacher, but a teacher told me this story. She'd been working with a new boy who'd arrived in Reception a few weeks after everyone else. She showed him a shape and asked him what it was. He correctly said 'Triangle'. 'Great', says the teacher. 'How did you know it was a triangle?' 'Because I'm psychic', says the lad.

Not teaching but my friend had an older primary age boy who came home from school and told her they'd been learning about periods and what did she know about them. She cautiously asked him to tell her what he knew and he said "well, there's the Jurassic period, the Triassic period....."

I'm a TA, not a teacher, but one of my favourites so far was a 5 year old girl in our reception class. She was playing in the role play corner and picked up a handbag, put it on her shoulder and announced she was off to the pub for a gin and tonic

These are brilliant.

As a teaching assistant one of the 5 year olds kept asking one afternoon to 'do a turnip' I didn't understand what she meant till I asked her mum at hometime. 'Oh' says mum ' she needed a poo but I don't think that is a very nice word so I taught her to call it a turnip'

At a senior school they were being taught sex education with questions afterwards. One of the boys asked ' If you want twins do you have to do it twice' It was hard to keep a straight face after that one.