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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Obese 4 year old and grandparents

132 replies

user1468863258 · 24/04/2020 03:01

I am beyond upset so please help me rationalise this one.
And sorry for a long post!
I have a 4 year old who is at 99% of his weight and 10% of his height constantly hungry and has no sense of when he is full. Lots of tantrums and other behaviour issues around food. We are seeing specialists but so far no diagnosis apart of him being classed as extremely obese. We have been struggling with this since he was born even though all have very healthy diet ( no sweets, no processed food, lots of veggies etc). We have been very on top of his portion control so managed to get him to 77% in the last year. He is still 3 kg overweight but at least we were moving the right direction.

Fast forward to the last month when we are living together with his grandparents. We have tried to explain our concerns about his eating and tell them the portions we use etc. But they just ignore it and continue to give him the amounts they think is right for him. Of course they think that nothing is wrong with him and he just needs to eat more.
I just measured his weight and he has gained 1 kg in the last month which brings him back to 99%. I know that he is Young but we went through so much difficulty to get him where he was now: constantly monitoring his intake, making sure he does not over eat, talk to him about eating habits, feeling full , importance of eating the right amount...And now after more then a year of this we are back to square one! I Just don't know if I can do this again! Feel like I am falling apart and can't think rationally. Due to the current circumstances we all need to live together and get alone. How do I make this ok in my head? Should I forbid the grandparents to feed him?

Am I blowing this out of proportion?

OP posts:
Quizacabusi · 24/04/2020 03:07

Hard though it may be you need to be firm on this. His weight is causing health issues, you cannot allow them to over feed him.

Luzina · 24/04/2020 03:07

Can you ensure he eats the right things/right amount without talking to him about it at all? I personally wouldn't discuss food with him in the way i think you have (obviously hard to tell from reading one post though ofc). I found distraction was best option with young children.

As far as grandparents are concerned, yes i think i would ask them not to feed him. You have health based concerns that are bad enough for him to need to see specialists

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/04/2020 03:09

Should I forbid the grandparents to feed him?

Obviously.

Sharpandshineyteeth · 24/04/2020 03:11

I agree that you should tell them you are taking over all preparing and offering of his food. They can stick with playing with him and spending nice time.

You were doing so well, I’d be annoyed too

Thepigeonsarecoming · 24/04/2020 03:15

Yes they shouldn’t interfere with feeding times, and yes he is overeating. Stick to your plan. Why are you living with them?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 24/04/2020 03:39

Do you have any form of doctor's recommendation on restricting his intake? That might help with the authority you'd need with his grandparents to stop them feeding him.

Also you need to talk to THEM about the health risks to your son. It's not good enough for them to just feed him whatever, whenever - but they need to be told WHY not.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/04/2020 03:39

I also wonder why you have to live with them. They can't be trusted around your child.

1066vegan · 24/04/2020 05:16

YNBU

Generally, I don't think it's a good idea to make a big fuss about food with young children because it can cause issues later on but your situation sounds quite different. It seems that you have worked hard and done a brilliant job; it must be very frustrating to see the grandparents undermining you.

I know that I'm leaping to conclusions here, but have you and the dr considered Prader-Wiili syndrome? I've known a couple of boys who have PWS and they have huge issues with food (can't be left alone anywhere with access to food eg unlocked cupboards or fridge) and have no sense of being full.

Bringringbring12 · 24/04/2020 06:32

Op- this isn’t a dilemma
You’re his mother. You are not happy with how his grandparents are feeding him, so... You feed him. End of.

I mean come on OP - the solution is right there in front of you

Crazydoglady1980 · 24/04/2020 06:35

Is it possible to explain to his grandparents that they have a choice, either they stop feeding him or they/you will have to leave? They are the adults and need to understand the risks they are exposing your child to by not following the rules.
As a minimum you need to stop them feeding him. I don’t think it’s possible to make it ok in your head, because it’s not!

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/04/2020 06:41

I was also wondering about insulin resistance or PWS, which I imagine will be looked into by your Gp.

I appreciate it’s difficult as you’re in their home. Try and get them to indulge in your ds in other ways. The message being food doesn’t equal love. Ultimately just because you are living in their home, it doesn’t mean they have a say in how your ds is raised.

CazzaCat · 24/04/2020 06:44

@user1468863258 OP the issue is some people, especially some grandparents, associate food with love. They feed him cause they love him and want to make him happy but food can also make us miserable when it affects our health Sad

I would get them on side with this mission, if you have to use tough language then so be it, call a family meeting and tell them that if your son continues the way he is going his health will deteriorate and this is serious!! One day when he has lost the weight you’ll all be able to enjoy treats again but for now your son comes first not their feelings.

Older generations don’t understand cause obesity wasn’t as prevalent when they were growing up but times have changed, especially as we are all doing less exercise at the moment.

Noconceptofnormal · 24/04/2020 06:59

They can't be trusted so you need to be in charge. You need to explain to them that they are not to give him any food and that is a condition of them staying with you. Go nuclear even if they break the rules once.

Seriously, an obese toddler is not great, no judgement but you all need to understand the health implications of this got the rest of his life. You've done so well to get him to start losing weight so keep with it, you can do this.

Straycatstrut · 24/04/2020 07:04

You have to be brave, bite the bullet and tell them straight. It'a hard. I've been there with the (ex)MIL countless times. She's stopped speaking to me for months on end before. Mine are veggie - she wasn't happy, she wanted to take mine on holiday (away from me) for a week when they were tiny - no! - she wasn't happy, my boys have long hair because it's our style and we like it - she wasn't happy... and it goes on and on but in the end she's raised her boys, she's not raising mine, it's not how it works (friendly advice fine).

Queenoftheashes · 24/04/2020 07:27

My Nan used to apparently literally stuff me with cake as a baby - my parents caught her after telling her not to give me any. What am I now? Fat. Not all her fault I’m sure but I feel like it will have helped cement my habits. They’re forcing him into a yo-yo dieting pattern which makes maintaining a healthy weight so much harder as you get older.
Is there any way you can leave? Definitely forbid them but it sounds like they’d ignore you.

TwistyHair · 24/04/2020 07:32

I can’t believe they’d try to undermine you like that.

copycopypaste · 24/04/2020 07:34

YANBU OP. You'll have to ban them from giving him any food whatsoever at this rate

seven201 · 24/04/2020 07:38

Yes, definitely a ban for them giving him any food. You know you need to do it. I'd feel so annoyed if I were you. All that hard work wasted.

RandomSelection · 24/04/2020 07:43

I'll be honest, this bit of your post really worries me " constantly monitoring his intake, making sure he does not over eat, talk to him about eating habits, feeling full , importance of eating the right amount.. " I think you are making too much of a deal about food. A four year old shouldn't be stressing about such things or trying to understand the concept of not eating so much or how much is the "right" amount. Personally, the more I think about what I should and shouldn't be eating, the more I want to eat. And I'm a fairly rational adult. He's too young.

Take your four year old out of the process, it's not his responsibility. Sit down with the grandparents and really express your concerns about his health, possible future complications such as diabetes and make a proper meal plan. And then stick to it. Don't "forbid" them to do anything, that just won't work, they'll just get sneaky about it. I am also not a big believer of everything having to be healthy. A nice snack or treat at times is not bad. He needs good, filling but not calorie dense meals. Vegetables, proteins and carbohydrates. Once he has eaten it, that's it. Ignore tantrums, be firm but kind and most of all everyone needs to be consistent. No unnecessary treats, but do allow the odd one otherwise they become taboo and therefore more desirable.

Take him out for lots of running around, kicking a ball, scooting, whatever he might enjoy. Do you have a trampoline or can you afford / have the space for one?

But please, please, please, quit talking lecturing the four year old about his weight and food habits otherwise you are setting him up for some severe mental health issues down the line!

lifestooshort123 · 24/04/2020 07:46

I think you need to arrange a proper meeting with them, give them all the facts with plenty of plain speaking and then let them ask you questions/disagree with you /undermine you - all the things loving grandparents do who know best - I am one so I know what I'm talking about. Let the conversation exhaust itself until they GET IT! Explain that for these reasons you will be the only one to give him food and that you need their total support. They love him to bits and will help you once they realise the damage they could be causing. Good luck.

Beautiful3 · 24/04/2020 07:47

My friends daughter has Prader Willi syndrome. It may be worth researching this, as it explains the obesity and never feeling full.

Sushiroller · 24/04/2020 07:56

I can imagine its stressful but you need to deal with this properly and firmly.

It's your responsibility.

Stop talking to a 4 year old about nutrition and put your foot down with the GP

Both the nutrition chat and GP actions are setting your child up for a lifetime of weight issues.

I was put on my first diet (and god did I know all about it) aged 7. Currently mid-30s and on another fucking diet

JinglingHellsBells · 24/04/2020 08:02

@user1468863258 Like other posters, I'm puzzled why you are living with family.

Are you in the UK?
You posted at 3am UK time- are you overseas and stuck there?

You are allowed to travel back to your own home (unless overseas and you came here/ went there on holiday which might make it tricky.)

If THEY are at risk and relying on you to care for them, I'd re-think.
There is support from local councils for the elderly etc etc.

So the big question is why are you stuck with them?

While you are there, you need to be more assertive with them.
Stop talking to your child about food. He is too young to understand what you are saying to him. You are making it a big deal and an emotional situation.

All you should do is present food to him and refuse snacks and make sure he gets plenty of exercise.

FamilyOfAliens · 24/04/2020 08:03

Like @Mummyoflittledragon, I was wondering about Prader-Willi Syndrome.

Yes, stop your parents from feeding him.

But maybe also dial down on the conversations you describe in your OP. You’ve got him eating less and losing weight (as least you did), just stick with that and talk about other things - anything, just not food and mealtimes.

JinglingHellsBells · 24/04/2020 08:06

The other thing OP is that when you say this

We have been struggling with this since he was born even though all have very healthy diet ( no sweets, no processed food, lots of veggies etc)

something doesn't stack up.

If he has only ever eaten healthy food in the right amounts, he should not be overweight.

So either your idea of 'healthy' or portion size is wrong, or he is helping himself to food unknown to you, or he has some metabolic disorder which is unlikely.

What's going on?

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