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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Obese 4 year old and grandparents

132 replies

user1468863258 · 24/04/2020 03:01

I am beyond upset so please help me rationalise this one.
And sorry for a long post!
I have a 4 year old who is at 99% of his weight and 10% of his height constantly hungry and has no sense of when he is full. Lots of tantrums and other behaviour issues around food. We are seeing specialists but so far no diagnosis apart of him being classed as extremely obese. We have been struggling with this since he was born even though all have very healthy diet ( no sweets, no processed food, lots of veggies etc). We have been very on top of his portion control so managed to get him to 77% in the last year. He is still 3 kg overweight but at least we were moving the right direction.

Fast forward to the last month when we are living together with his grandparents. We have tried to explain our concerns about his eating and tell them the portions we use etc. But they just ignore it and continue to give him the amounts they think is right for him. Of course they think that nothing is wrong with him and he just needs to eat more.
I just measured his weight and he has gained 1 kg in the last month which brings him back to 99%. I know that he is Young but we went through so much difficulty to get him where he was now: constantly monitoring his intake, making sure he does not over eat, talk to him about eating habits, feeling full , importance of eating the right amount...And now after more then a year of this we are back to square one! I Just don't know if I can do this again! Feel like I am falling apart and can't think rationally. Due to the current circumstances we all need to live together and get alone. How do I make this ok in my head? Should I forbid the grandparents to feed him?

Am I blowing this out of proportion?

OP posts:

Brefugee · 24/04/2020 08:06

it sounds really stressfull, OP.

I guess it's not your parents but your ILs? Where is your DH in all this?

Agree with PP that you should probably stop talking about food and eating at all around your DS but be very firm with the GPs about feeding him. And get your DH on board and if you don't feel as though GPs listen to you, get him to make them listen.

If no DH around, I'm afraid you're going to have to decide which battles are worth fighting.

Allthebestusernameshavegone · 24/04/2020 08:09

YANBU and is definitely out a stop to them feeding him.
I have a daughter who doesn’t have a stop button when it comes to food. She isn’t overweight but if I didn’t control what she ate then there’s no doubt she would be.
We went to a cafe for food once and the child portion would have been too much for me so I removed some of the food from the plate onto mine to prevent her from overeating. My Nan who was with us was mortified and thinks I should have just left her eat it all.
I’m not prepared to let my children get fat. I have one who needs to eat more as he’s really fussy and so skinny and the other one who would eat all day if I let her.
So YANBU. You are the parent and it’s your responsibility to make sure your child is healthy.

jessycake · 24/04/2020 08:11

There is also something called Leptin deficiency I would take a very firm stand with them . You have obviously done very well up to now , don't let them ruin it even if you have tantrums from all of them to contend with.

JinglingHellsBells · 24/04/2020 08:13

I have a 4 year old who is at 99% of his weight and 10% of his height constantly hungry andhas no sense of when he is full

It is not down to him to know when he is 'full'. Of course a child of 4 can't articulate being full and you ought not to be discussing this- it's beyond his intellectual understanding.

As a parent you give him the right portion size for his age and refuse second helpings.

Have you been giving in to him when he wants more?

You should approach this in the same way that we deal with fussy eating in children.

That means taking all the emotion out of it.
You should stop discussing it with him.
Present his food, clear away his plate, don't discuss.
If he has tantrums, ignore or distract with other things.
Do not mention food!

I think you could help yourself by reading about children with eating issues- usually it's fussy eating- and use the same strategies.

At the moment you have created a huge emotional issue for him because of your issues around it.

The food has become a weapon for him to poke you with and get a reaction- some of it is about attention-seeking, not necessarily hunger.
You need to recognise the behaviour for that.

HandfulOfFlowers · 24/04/2020 08:14

They are putting their need to feel like kind and loving grandparents above your son's health, which is incredibly selfish. They need to find other ways of showing love and get over themselves.

oohnicevase · 24/04/2020 08:21

Prader-Willi syndrome isn't just the appetite though . Children will have learning difficulties so I'm sure the OP would have mentioned if it wasn't just the appetite . There are a myriad of other symptoms that go along with it .
I wouldn't let them be involved in any feeding as if they are overweight they won't have a grasp on what is 'normal' Portions etc .

Summerofloaf · 24/04/2020 08:25

They are putting their need to feel like kind and loving grandparents above your son's health, which is incredibly selfish. They need to find other ways of showing love and get over themselves.

Yes.

4 yrs old is too young to regulate their own food intake. He eats what you give him in the right portions and plenty of distraction to help with behaviour. Fun exercises with affection rewards etc.

JKScot4 · 24/04/2020 08:29

3kg is 6.5lb, how does that make him hugely obese?

RedskyAtnight · 24/04/2020 08:29

TBH he might be gaining the weight because he has been less active than usual during the lockdown. Have you considered this?

TheTiaraManager · 24/04/2020 08:32

Why are you living with your PIL? Why are they doing all the cooking?

Fev11 · 24/04/2020 08:34

Are the grandparents also obese? If so it may affect how they see their grandson - they may think he is a ‘normal’ size from their frame of reference.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 24/04/2020 08:38

There was that fat programme on a couple of months ago which was a bit controversial. It did highlight some highly rare but possible health conditions that cause obesity. One was about a child who never felt full. Might be worth digging it out and having a look. You never know - your DC might be that one in a million.

Nottherealslimshady · 24/04/2020 08:41

No one feeds him but you. Whose house are you in?

Sceptre86 · 24/04/2020 08:41

Why is his weight such an issue? He is 4. Does he have sen? Lots of kids have tantrums around food, what do you mean by behavioural issues? My dd is 4 and she does not have the capacity to understand what a portion size is but does know when she is full. She will say her tummy has no more room. How much exercise in terms of outdoor play does your little one do? What about games that involve running, gymnastics?

You seem to be making a lot of issues out of his weight but if he has been following the 99th percentile since he was born, why is that an issue?

I would be firmer with the grandparents and that is your right as a parent. Don't rely on them to feed him meals, ensure you make them and feed him yourself. That way his diet is more under your control.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 24/04/2020 08:45

I also thought it might be Prader Willi syndrome but assumed the docs would have ruled that out by now, and not still be trying to work out what's going on.
You'd also hope they'd have ruled out insulin resistance by now too.

Anyway OP - I still think the only way to truly "win" this is to get the grandparents on board with understanding the problem and being part of the solution, otherwise they're just going to feed him behind your back. And while he needs to understand that he can't eat all the time, you don't need to discuss too much of it in great detail with him. Just be clear that THIS is how much he's getting and he's not getting any more.

vdbfamily · 24/04/2020 08:47

OP, was he quite a floppy baby and quite reluctant to feed in his first few months or had he always had a good appetite?
I would second the thought about PWS if he is constantly on the scrounge for food and had some SEN issues/ learning difficulties.

corythatwas · 24/04/2020 09:00

Agree with pp:

stop talking to 4yo about nutrition

give him what you think he should have and then distract him, steer the conversation away from food, see something interesting outside the window, start telling a funny story

do talk to his grandparents about the medical situation- explain that this is a medical issue for which you have actually had to see a doctor

also suggest other ways to them of showing him love: read a story, play a game, sing a song- love doesn't have to be about feeding

avoid keeping unhealthy snacks at home

secretly keep an eye on his portions: is he only eating what you think he should be eating and still putting on weight?

is he getting enough exercise? even if you can't take him out as much as before, can you help giving him exercise at home? playing games? putting on music and dancing together? can grandparents be roped in? don't talk to him about it being exercise and necessary to keep him fit: make it a game about running to Australia, joining a family of kangaroos (unless you live in an upstairs flat, then I would not recommend the kangaroos)

Carouselfish · 24/04/2020 09:04

Drinking more can help as well, sometimes hunger and thirst Signals get mixed up.

CaryStoppins · 24/04/2020 09:11

Absolutely ban them from ever giving him food.

Overfeeding him to the point they are damaging his health is abusive. They might be misguided rather than malicious but they are still actively harming your 4 year old.

ChainsawBear · 24/04/2020 09:13

3kg is 6.5lb, how does that make him hugely obese?

The OP said he'd lost 3kg with great effort and was clearly still overweight/obese. 3kg is a lot for a 4yo as well. This discussion really doesn't need the normalisation of obesity in a 4yo.

JKScot4 · 24/04/2020 09:22

She states he is 3kg overweight, asking a question is not normalising obesity ffs

JinglingHellsBells · 24/04/2020 09:25

@Sceptre86 Did you read the OPs first post? Medics have said he is obese. it's not up for debate whether he is or is not. She has been told he is. His weight and his height together equal obese.

JinglingHellsBells · 24/04/2020 09:27

@JKScot4 Read the entire post.

We are seeing specialists but so far no diagnosis apart of him being classed as extremely obese

It may just be under half a stone extra, but that for a 4 yr old of short stature means he is obese.

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 24/04/2020 09:33

You have been struggling with his weight since he was born? How long has he been going to the doctors about this?

Porcupineinwaiting · 24/04/2020 09:40

@Wewearpink how will the OPs answer change your advice to her?

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