Obese 4 year old and grandparents

[user1468863258]

I am beyond upset so please help me rationalise this one.
And sorry for a long post!
I have a 4 year old who is at 99% of his weight and 10% of his height constantly hungry and has no sense of when he is full. Lots of tantrums and other behaviour issues around food. We are seeing specialists but so far no diagnosis apart of him being classed as extremely obese. We have been struggling with this since he was born even though all have very healthy diet ( no sweets, no processed food, lots of veggies etc). We have been very on top of his portion control so managed to get him to 77% in the last year. He is still 3 kg overweight but at least we were moving the right direction.

Fast forward to the last month when we are living together with his grandparents. We have tried to explain our concerns about his eating and tell them the portions we use etc. But they just ignore it and continue to give him the amounts they think is right for him. Of course they think that nothing is wrong with him and he just needs to eat more.
I just measured his weight and he has gained 1 kg in the last month which brings him back to 99%. I know that he is Young but we went through so much difficulty to get him where he was now: constantly monitoring his intake, making sure he does not over eat, talk to him about eating habits, feeling full , importance of eating the right amount...And now after more then a year of this we are back to square one! I Just don't know if I can do this again! Feel like I am falling apart and can't think rationally. Due to the current circumstances we all need to live together and get alone. How do I make this ok in my head? Should I forbid the grandparents to feed him?

Am I blowing this out of proportion?

Op, have you looked into the connection between time spent eating with the digestive hormone feed back loop?

If your child has always had weight gain issues and not feeling full after eating this may be an avenue to explore?

Scientists have known for some time that a full stomach is only part of what causes someone to feel satisfied after a meal; the brain must also receive a series of signals from digestive hormones secreted by the gastrointestinal tract.

Stretch receptors in the stomach are activated as it fills with food or water; these signal the brain directly through the vagus nerve that connects gut and brainstem. Hormonal signals are released as partially digested food enters the small intestine. One example is cholecystokinin (CCK), released by the intestines in response to food consumed during a meal. Another hormone, leptin, produced by fat cells, is an adiposity signal that communicates with the brain about long-range needs and satiety, based on the body’s energy stores. Research suggests that leptin amplifies the CCK signals, to enhance the feeling of fullness. Other research suggests that leptin also interacts with the neurotransmitter dopamine in the brain to produce a feeling of pleasure after eating. The theory is that, by eating too quickly, people may not give this intricate hormonal cross-talk system enough time to work.

www.health.harvard.edu/blog/why-eating-slowly-may-help-you-feel-full-faster-20101019605

Well if he has been going since he was born, I would be surprised they hadn't found a reason for it yet, if it was medical.

Also I haven't given any advice yet, so any answer she does give won't change anything.

The OP doesn't need medical advice - she is already receiving specialist medical advice which is going to be much higher quality than anything that a non-medical person who hasn't examined the child could ever give.

OP, I definitely think that you should ban your parents from feeding your child. This is a health issue that could affect him for his whole life, and regardless of their intentions, their actions are damaging him.

@JKScot4 what a silly thing to say. 6.5lb in kids is a completely different ball game to 6.5lbs in an adult.

My dd is on the 45th centile according to the nhs bmi calculator. If she was 6.5lb heavier she would be in the 93rd and in the overweight category.

6.5lbs in children is a big difference.

Of course you should ban them from giving food. Do they understand he has been given a diagnosis and this would impact his long term health?
Are they going to deal with it if he gets diabetes? Thought not!
I'd be livid if they carried on regardless.

Isn't overfeeding a child considered a form of abuse ?

Something doesn't add up. If he is getting plenty of exercise and you're feeding him only good food i.e. lots of vegetables and fruit, homecooked healthy meals and no sweets, he shouldn't be obese. You can't become obese eating super healthy (even if they are big portions) and exercising. You seem very focused on this and I'm not sure making a 4 year old so preoccupied with food is the right approach.

As to the grandparents, put your foot down or move out.

As a PP said, I wouldn't be discussing this with the 4-yr-old or the GPs at all. Lots of discussion around food and eating habits can contribute to disordered eating.
If you've received medical advice about portion control and activity levels, then you just make sure you follow that advice.
Tbh I have no idea why you have been so hands-off that you've allowed his GPs to feed him so much. If they give him food, take it away. It doesn't need to be confrontational because they obviously don't believe he has a problem so you can't force them to follow the doctor's rules. Just swoop in, move to another room, casually bin it or put it back in the fridge/cupboard or pass it to someone else to eat.
Make sure you provide his food and see him eat it. Basically, parent your DC the way you would if GPs weren't there and then just swoop in when they try to give him anything extra.
For all of your preoccupation with his weight, it is concerning that you're spending so much time talking to a child about this, have unrealistic expectations about his ability to monitor his own intake and you don't mention activity levels at all. Perhaps spend some time researching the conditions other PPs have mentioned and seeing if you can find some consultants willing to do telephone consultations during lockdown. Something isn't adding up.

Since he was born? How can that even be a thing. The poor kid's been on a diet since birth!
It sounds like you need to have a look at your own restrictive diet and normalise the attitude food in your home.
You don't mention excersise, get moving, have fun and let the lad off the hook.

if your as paniked and as upset around food and weight in front ogf your son,and talking to him about such things he cant understand you need to stop.i understand its a worry but this is your worryu right now.one he wont understand so this fear and paic is going to rub up on him if you dont dial it down.
keep food protioning etc but still give him the enjoy,ent and carefree feeling with food.its horrible to be going one way,but if you put such terms to food,at hi s age you will make him disordered.

sorry about typos my phone is glitching

i know what your saying about foods like processed and sweets etc.but one day he will be going out there without you.nursery school etc and if you have taken ALL those things away he will go grab them and you wontbe able to stop him.you can still be very healthy and portioning wihtout takiong out ALL thos foods.he will crave them when he has them one day if not.you need to make them portioned ike every other food group

"Due to the current circumstances we all need to live together and get along. How do I make this ok in my head? Should I forbid the grandparents to feed him?"

OK, the most important question is - WHY do you all need to live together? Clearly, this is not your normal living arrangement, or they'd have sabotaged his eating all along; so this is a new living arrangement. Have you moved in with them, or they with you? And why? Was this for them to support you, or for you to support them?

If it was for them to support you - they're not, they're making your life harder. Whoever moved to the other's house needs to move back to their own home.

If it was for you to support them - if they need your support then you are in a strong position to insist they back off with the overfeeding of your child. Although personally I feel they're more likely to go behind your back and start feeding him secret treats, so it might not be effective.

SInce you describe them as "his grandparents" and not as 'my parents', I'm guessing these are your partner's parents? Where is he in all of this? Is he backing you or his parents? It's not unknown for an adult to regress to being 'the child' when living with their parents (done it myself!) so I'm guessing he's deferring to them and being no help at all? Hoping my guess is wrong!

As for "How do I make this ok in my head?" - you can't, because it's not OK in any shape or form. Your son's health is being endangered by foolish adults, and it has to stop. And my money's on the only way to stop it being to separate into two households again. Ideally that would be a return to mother-father-son and grandparents, but if need be I'd choose the households to be mother-son-only and father-grandparents if the reason you joined was to support them.

Whatever drove you to combine households, your son's health needs are more important and you need to separate back to two.

The OP doesn't need medical advice - she is already receiving specialist medical advice which is going to be much higher quality than anything that a non-medical person who hasn't examined the child could ever give.

So she doesn't need medical advice, but she is already getting medical advice. Pretty sure she said somewhere that they weren't sure if there was a medical reason for his weight.

FFS, this child has been under medical supervision for years because there's a problem. Endless posters saying 'something doesn't add up' should apply now for their medical degrees as clearly you know more than specialists.

In my personal experience, grandparents are extremely good at dismissing health issues they don't regard as a problem, and also ignoring special diets. The OP is clearly worried about straining the relationship with them right now, when they are all living together full time.

As soon as you mentioned your child is obese I knew you would get loads of judgemental people making assumptions, when this is not what your question is about.

To the previous posters: the OP says WE ARE SEEING SPECIALISTS. That's specialists, whose advice the OP is following re diet. Her question is about the grandparents not following the specialists' advice, NOT about what random people on the internet think you are doing wrong.

Op you need to take responsibility for this. Yes the GPs are our to order but you shouldn’t be allowing it to happen at all. Do not allow them to feed him or take away whatever they give if it isn’t part of his portion control

I suspect those who are blaming the OP for her child's obesity have never known a child with no 'full' switch (and yes, an NT child will portion control if allowed to by parents). I know a child who couldn't control his intake for various reasons (genetic and otherwise) and mealtimes are a nightmare with him, he constantly screams for food if his portions are controlled and will scavenge for anything vaguely edible, like very unripe fruit from trees. It is a world away from an NT child who doesn't do enough exercise or eats portions that are a bit big, or has a soft drink habit and so is overweight.

I wish people would stop bandying Prader-Willi Syndrome about on threads like this.

PWS is a very complex genetic condition and its highly unlikely (if not impossible) that your child would get to 4yo without a diagnosis. PWS isn't about over eating. It's about a part of the brain that doesn't work properly. Children with PWS have severe hypertonia, failure to thrive (they are often tube fed due to low tone). They are mentally and physically challenged, globally delayed and overeating is the last symptom that would point you to a diagnosis. Not least because the hyperphagia associated with the syndrome doesn't present until kids are older.

So please stop associating overeating with a very complex, life changing and all encompassing genetic condition.

OP, I'd be seeking a referral to a dietitian.

• unless you already see a dietician. Then I'd be looking for a new / better one!!!!

No-one said the medical diagnosis didn't add up. What doesn't add up is that the medical advice she has received has led the OP to think extended conversations with a 4-yr-old about food, are going to help. Unless OP is in a country with a very different approach to food education than the UK, then yy being under supervision about a weight issue leading to a parent thinking they need to put the responsibility on the 4-yr-old, doesn't make sense.

YABU: you are the parent of a 4 year old; you are responsible for his nutrition, so stop 'letting' his Grandparents have any influence with regards his food intake.
A child doesn't just become obese overnight, so please take responsibility for the fact that his weight issues are on YOU, no-one else.

I can see no mention of extended conversations in the OP. This is one of those threads where posters have created their own narrative.

My youngest is in Reception (4 and 5 year olds) and they have discussed what food is healthy, balancing out treats etc. The dietician we are treated by has talked about aspects of eating to my child. There's nowhere near enough detail in that one post to substantiate half the comments on this thread.

Thanks for all responses and suggestions.
To answer few:
We flew across the globe right before uk went into lockdown and now stuck here with my in-laws. Because both me and my DH still work UK hours it means that my IL are responsible for some of the child's meals ( breakfast and snacks).
We had one serious conversation with them once already but I do not feel they agree with anything we said. Quoting specialists does not seem to help either. Yes, I think I will need to ban them from feeding him I just need to calm down as still too emotional to have a calm conversation with my ILs.
We have seen few doctors and are seeing dietitian but the progress is very slow with NHS as you can imagine. You really need to fight your case with them which I do.
Interesting ideas about approaching this in a similar way as picky eating. There's definitely more information about that but I always thought it does not apply to us.wehave been advised by few child educators to involve him in portions and talk about healthy eating and that is advice we are fallowing. I do worry that it can case some additional issues down the line.
Can anyone recommend any good books on child eating issues?