Obese 4 year old and grandparents

[user1468863258]

I am beyond upset so please help me rationalise this one.
And sorry for a long post!
I have a 4 year old who is at 99% of his weight and 10% of his height constantly hungry and has no sense of when he is full. Lots of tantrums and other behaviour issues around food. We are seeing specialists but so far no diagnosis apart of him being classed as extremely obese. We have been struggling with this since he was born even though all have very healthy diet ( no sweets, no processed food, lots of veggies etc). We have been very on top of his portion control so managed to get him to 77% in the last year. He is still 3 kg overweight but at least we were moving the right direction.

Fast forward to the last month when we are living together with his grandparents. We have tried to explain our concerns about his eating and tell them the portions we use etc. But they just ignore it and continue to give him the amounts they think is right for him. Of course they think that nothing is wrong with him and he just needs to eat more.
I just measured his weight and he has gained 1 kg in the last month which brings him back to 99%. I know that he is Young but we went through so much difficulty to get him where he was now: constantly monitoring his intake, making sure he does not over eat, talk to him about eating habits, feeling full , importance of eating the right amount...And now after more then a year of this we are back to square one! I Just don't know if I can do this again! Feel like I am falling apart and can't think rationally. Due to the current circumstances we all need to live together and get alone. How do I make this ok in my head? Should I forbid the grandparents to feed him?

Am I blowing this out of proportion?

And we do lots of exercise and outdoors activity as here there's no lockdown

talk to him about eating habits, feeling full , importance of eating the right amount..
It's interesting that you feel your school and dietician would support the conversations OP mentions. Our's wouldn't. OP is feeling overwhelmed because she can't control her DC or the GPs. But no-one can control them. OP needs to focus on what she can control.

He is 4 ! why do think he understand nutrition ! You are making this into a huge issue because you talk to him about his food, and insist on weighing it out and telling him about it. You are the problem not him OP I wonder if you have food issues

The OP has sought and is following medical advice @lowandLucky

So when did he first become over weight? Are you on the heavy side also? Do think you have over fed him yourself from a young age?

Is repatriation logistically viable? I am aware that it is happening although not easily.

Are there any cultural/ language differences or is it purely stubborness on the part of the ILs? You do need to try to get them to comprehend that overfeeding a young child to the point of rapid weight gain is a serious medical problem. (I assume from your description of medical involvement that "normal" levels of grandparental indulgence just aren't tolerable like usual)

You do need to reclaim control. You have already had success prior to this point so what you were doing prior to this lockdown situation has worked. It's tough because there isn't a quick and easy way out of this situation without the grandparents' cooperation. However this will not be forever.

talk to him about eating habits, feeling full , importance of eating the right amount..
It's interesting that you feel your school and dietician would support the conversations OP mentions.

And you take 'extensive conversations' from that? Because I can't see how you can possibly tell whether that's a daily thing, or an occasional comment, or even a one off thing. The OP's recent post says she has been encouraged to do this by educators, so clearly there is a variance of opinion. I obviously can't say 'my school and dietician' would support what is said but I can point out that kids at that age are having discussions in school in the curriculum about what healthy eating looks like. Our dietician hasn't had 'extensive' conversations with ours but has talked in broad terms in an age appropriate way about some aspects of eating (different issue to the OP so obviously not the same things to say).

As I said, from the posts on here, none of us know enough to justify many of the posts castigating the OP. This is posters having a field day and I hate reading it.

I'm not having a field day. I've offered advice.
Attempting to police and derail threads whilst offering no advice or support seems odd.

@user1468863258 'Half way across the globe'

If you are in the US, Oz, NZ or similar I don't see why you cannot get home.

Flights are bringing Brits back home.

Maybe you aren't trying hard enough to sort this?

As for books, look online. There are plenty of books written by child psychologists on eating.

The basic issue is you are treating your son as if he had adult emotions and understanding. He doesn't.
Poor kid must be very very confused.

The British Psychological Society has a list of psychs in the UK and you can filter by 'conditions'. That might be a start or just search on Amazon for books.

I'm wondering how much food the grandparents are feeding him and what they are feeding him? Have you seen what they're doing?

Has your DH talked to them about it? Would they be willing to go to the specialist with you and have the specialist explain it?

Are any of you overweight?

It will be hard at first but I would measure out his portions at the bench and use a small plate, then he eats that. You don't have to explain it or show the portions. Just measure it out correctly for his age and give it to him. He's used to getting his way by tantruming so you know he'll do it at first, hoping you'll give in. Just let him cray or distract. He'll stop when he knows you won't give in and feed him more.

Does everyone eat at the table?

How much water is he drinking a day? What else does he drink during the day? How much screen time does he have?

I think this is solvable but you have to be more disciplined and consistent about it. Not the child. You set the standard and he follows it.

Does he have a bicycle to ride?
a swingset?

They absolutely need to butt the fuck out of feeding your son. You must tell them in no uncertain terms that they are not to prepare a scrap of food for him, they’re not to sneak him treats and they are not to voice their uninformed opinions. You must get this under control.

It’ll be hard but you have to, for the sake of your son.

So you're not in the UK, but "both me and my DH still work UK hours" - why? You presumably must have started by being on annual leave - flying across the globe with your child to stay with your PIL implies that you were taking a holiday. I get that your annual leave must now have passed, but - what kind of employers do you have that expect you to be working in a different timezone? Or is it (since you are both doing it) that you are self-employed in your own business trying to keep it afloat?

Whichever it is, I think you need to explore other logistical solutions that do not involve your PIL having sole charge of your son, because they WILL continue to overfeed him. What steps has your husband taken with his parents to get them to not endanger his son's health?

Something is going to have to give, and it should not be your son's health.

Sounds like blame going on

If they are only responsible for breakfast and snacks then, I am sorry to say, you are responsible for the rest. You need to adjust his lunch / dinner to account for the larger meals he has - that might be stopping lunch and dinner altogether if he’s snacking and his breakfast is big enough. You also need to make sure he is exercising and able to burn it all off. Switch on PE with Joe Wicks and do it with him in the morning and evening; or if your country isn’t in lockdown go for two long walks every day around work.

So what is he having for breakfast and snacks?

Well it is strange that a child who is fed an extremely healthy diet, with no junk or processed foods, and is being portion controlled is still very over weight. I think that's probably the reason people think it doesn't add up.
Wether that was the question or not, people are still going to ask.

None of us overweight and as mentioned earlier very healthy lifestyle. We have meals all together and since we are at my IL the pattern has changed: more options at the table, more food around which creates more problem during meal times of course.
Thanks again for the messages and support to stand the ground. I just felt we need to be polite because we are guests but yes, child's health takes priority.

Yes agree very strange indeed. That is why it's taking so long to diagnose. All initial suggestions of no sugar, offer veggies, exercise, unprocessed food, only water to drink are not helpful as it was always a baseline. We are most likely still giving him large portions for his height/metabolism.

Don’t be too hard on yourself OP, at least you are now acknowledging where you have been going wrong and want to do the best for your child. Stick with not over feeding and you should see results

You are puzzling me with Your talk of %. I am assuming that you are talking about the centile charts. Please do not take these as gospel. the data is from the 50's and actually is not a good reflection of averages these days

* None of us overweight and as mentioned earlier very healthy lifestyle*

Be honest OP
That’s not true is it?

Sorry another confused as it doesn’t add up.
Child has had this problem since birth. They can’t find a medical cause and it can’t be controlled by type of food, portion of food or physical activity. I would think the grandparents are the least of your problems in this scenario OP.

I watched a very interesting documentary about obese children. Most were being overfed, emotionally eating, responding to trauma, etc. But there was one little girl who sounded like your son.

She was obsessed with food. Starving all the time. Eating raw sausages out of the freezer, raiding the bin, anything she could get her hands on. The clinic kept on with the usual lines of heathy eating, portion control, etc, etc. The poor mother looked demented and so guilty and under stress. She could tell that everyobe thought she was lying about what she was doing at home and really giving her DD chocolate cake anD crisps.

Well eventually they sent her to a specialist. It turns out she had a chromosome abnormality which means that she has no appetite control and really felt like she was starving all the time.

The relief of both the child (who wasn't going to be told off for eating any more) and her mother (who felt believed and vindicated) brought me to tears.

I really hope you find answers for your son. And tell the grandparents to butt out ❤

This is it

www.channel4.com/programmes/100-kilo-kids-obesity-sos/on-demand/68048-001

So you are all very active, you control his portion sizes and don't let him snack and he eats no unhealthy food?
Its very unlikely that a child becomes overweight with a lifestyle like this. Calories have to go in to make someone gain weight.