To starve my toddler

[TiredMama90]

My son is 3. He’s been a fussy eater since the beginning. I’m a single mum (not by choice). Admittedly some days, for an easy life, I’ve given him what he chooses.

It’s his 3rd day of not eating a decent meal and only wanting crap.

Shall I just refuse him the foods he wants (crisps, chocolate & the like) until he gives in and eats proper food.

How long until he will give in??

Disablist? Really? Fuck this shit, I am out, if mumsnetters cannot engage with an argument and see reality

ARFID is a recognized eating disorder. Funny how you should think that denying its existence is somehow ‘seeing reality’. Do you have similar reality visions with respect to other medical disorders? Care to rewrite medical textbooks in light of your personal reality? Great, you are in good company with Trump.

You know your child best. I found not having treats in the house was best. My eldest could survive for days off the crumbs off a cookie. I can't even offer ice cream. He's not as bad now but I could only give him ice on hot days else he'd go on a hunger strike. The worst part was explaining it to my mum, give him dinners and no snacks and she'd give him massive bowls of fruit just before dinner (which he wouldn't eat then she'd comment on how "fussy" he was which was really unhelpful). Give him chocolate milkshakes and biscuits when she thought I wasnt looking then he wouldn't eat for days at my house. This lockdown has actually been a small mercy as we can't go see them. I just offer him food and it's up to him to eat, he likes certain food in certain ways like he likes carrots grated and he'll snack on that, etc.
If yours has sensory issues than don't blame yourself. It's very difficult with some kids.

I found that each child I had was a bit fussier than the last, and the the youngest was really quite fussy. What it was in our case was that there was a wider variety of unhealthy food available to them, such as more sugary cereal. So finally we stopped ever buying it, and it seemed to sort itself out.

I think it's important that the parents east well as a permanent habit if they expect it of their children. So many don't, whilst expecting their DC to. It never works.

OP please ignore the people who think all you have to do is put healthy food in front of a child and adopt a no-nonsense approach. That works with children who don't have eating disorders. Those of us with children who do have eating disorders can seem like lazy terrible parents because we feed our children 'rubbish' but even dieticians have encouraged us to do that because it's better that they eat something than nothing. People who don't understand this have no faced this immensely painful and traumatic problem. I remember crying with happiness at a group picnic with friends because I glanced over at DS2 and witnessed him for the first time in his life, voluntarily put something healthy in his mouth and eat it. He was almost four years old.

DS2 is autistic and one of my proudest achievements in life is not giving up on his food sensory disorders. He now eats as wide a variety of foods as most people and loves to go to restaurants. It was an incredibly slow, painful journey that took so much patience and was so mocked and criticised by friends with kids who had healthy normal appetites but went through picky phases. For example, on average a neurotypical toddler needs to be introduced to a food 20 times before trying it. An autistic child can need that food to be introduced about two thousand times before they will view it without suspicion. Yes, two thousand, not two hundred. So that's every day for six years. DS started varying his food at around age 10. That's after having a wide range of food rejected every single day, day in, day out, year in, year out.

Yes. Serve him his meals and nothing more. He'll
Eat eventually. Serving family style where he can choose his own might help too.

I think you need to see a doctor and likely a paediatric doctor if you are having a lot of trouble getting him to eat decent food.

Whether it be a learned habit or something more I think you need help to figure it out. If it is because he is non neurotypical then it's possible nothing you do will change whether or not he will eat properly, if it's habit then it's still likely to be hard if he is so used to rubbish food all the time.

My dd is ASD. I can hear the asd elements in your posts.
No wet foods or sauces.(gravy, mayonaise, bolognaise, curry etc)
Food not touching. Try one of those partitioned plates.
No new foods, she sticks with sausages, chicken breasts, fish in crumb. No meat on the bone or casserole or soup.
Vegetables were the toughest. A spoonful of peas, separate corn and carrot sticks for years and years.
Smooth orange juice not 'bits'
Still doesn't enjoy fruit, but will have a few grapes and apples slices.
She was not being deliberately awkward. I wish I had stopped pushing her to try 'my' type of meals. She just couldn't stomach them.

Watching with interest. In the same boat

If something is not in the house it won’t get eaten. How about swaps? Oatcakes With butter instead of biscuits for example.

I don't think it's responsible to try and diagnose strangers' children with autism over the internet. A lot of behaviours associated with ASD are normal to a degree at certain developmental stages. Eg lining up toys, not liking changes to routine, selective/sensitive to certain sensations. Just because the poster mentions them does not mean autism is particularly likely or helpful think to fixate on.

BUt @Floatyboat nor is in responsible to say 'Don't fuss. Just offer healthy food. He won't starve himself.' Those of us who have had to try and keep children alive who did starve themselves due to sensory issues that meant they hated eating know how painful it is to get htese breezy, dismissive bits of advice.

We have no idea whether OP's child has ASD. But during lockdown, with limited opportunities for testing, it would be better to err on the side of getting him to eat something - anything - than taking a risk.

She could be racist.
You're still coming across as a crazy person to live next door to.

These 2 things are not mutually exclusive.

Sorry! Totally wrong thread!!!

@ellanwood

I disagree. This lockdown could go on months. You can't just feed kids junk on the off chance they have ASD. It is perfectly reasonable to initiate sensible healthy changes, avoid certain textures, try to pressure the child, model healthy eating, make eating fun etc even during a lockdown.

Not try to pressure sorry

@ellanwood
Nothing wrong with @Floatyboat s advice. In fact if you Google it that is what the significant majority of websites giving advice say. I know because I'm currently trying to tackle issues with my 27 months eating habits. And I hold my hands up, most if it is my fault. So he is fussy, but I've made it worse by feeding him and letting him play with toys and watch TV whilst eating. He's been in boot camp for some time now and he's expected to feed himself and eat a wider range of foods ( we'd got into the habit of giving him mainly cheese and baked beans on toast for lunch for instance). Anyhow, it's working and whilst he is leaving some meals, he actually seems to be enjoying his new found freedom. I am gently cajoling him and praising him for eating it himself and taking it away after a certain amount of time and it's working. Hooray. Yes he appears to be NT, but there's nothing in the ops post that proves that her child is struggling because of sensory issues. It's been discussed as a possibility, yes. But he's also been eating healthy food at nursery and by the ops admission stopped eating it to wait for the shit she would feed him at home

honestly i think children will eat when they are hungry , don't buy crisps , sweets and chocolate buy healthy options and just offer them for a while he will get used to it, itl be hard a first but think of his health and teeth .. lots of vegetables and fruit are vital for growing children and i am honestly shocked at some children's diets .. my ds meals and snacks yesterday were ... breakfast porridge made with soya milk with honey , bananas and blueberries on top and strawberries , snack was bread sticks with hummus and cucumber , lunch was a vegan cheese salad sandwich on seeded bread with lettuce cucumber tomatoes and gherkins , with watermelon and mango after , then an afternoon snack of an apple with peanut butter to dip , then for dinner we had this pasta dish www.jamieoliver.com/recipes/pasta-recipes/quick-green-pasta/ with sugar snap peas and mange tout .. then before bed he had a banana and a home made flapjack x

honestly i think children will eat when they are hungry no what you mean is most children will eat when they are hungry some children will starve themselves until they are admitted to hospital to be tube fed.

honestly i think children will eat when they are hungry

So everyone on the thread who has shared stories of their children who won't are lying are they?

but there's nothing in the ops post that proves that her child is struggling because of sensory issues. It's been discussed as a possibility, yes.

Apart from the fact he's been struggling enough that it's been discussed you mean?

But he's also been eating healthy food at nursery and by the ops admission stopped eating it to wait for the shit she would feed him at home

Children coping and fronting at school or nursery, then exploding/refusing in the safety at home is a well known thing.

Also the child is only just 3 so is at the age where issues can become more apparent and intensify.

Some people on here are the type who love to give a label to something as an excuse before even considering that it might be poor parenting.

@lyralalala I used the word proves, you failed to understand what I was saying.

That nursery bullshit just sounds like an excuse. Coping and fronting at nursery 🙄

@Fromthebirdsnest that sounds lovely and healthy. Today we had porridge and mango, then ham and emmental cheese sandwich on seeded bread and then sweetcorn, Carrots, sweet potato and fishcakes (from the chilled area in sainsburys so slightly healthier than frozen ones) followed by Greek yoghurt with blue berries and banana whizzed into it.
My son used to eat fruit... Grapes, Pears, Blueberries and banana. Now he refuses it all and is better with his veggies. So any tips to get him to eat that would be great. I don't think they'll all just eat anything. I keep offering and he keeps refusing!!

OP sounds like your in a bit of a rut - easy to understand being on your own etc. Lots of good advice on here - would definitely go with offering up lots of varied nutritional foods and keep the sweets chocolates etc out of the house. How long do you give it? Well a child cannot grow on sugars and bad fats, they will rot the teeth and create poor mental health, so I would not give in. I’m quite disturbed to read posters fearing/and stating they have seen first hand children starving themselves to almost death. My heart goes out to these children - But please stop frightening people with such posts, the children you talk of must have extensive Concerns and do not relate to a mum who has admitted she struggles with healthy eating (binge eats) and has said she fed junk food to her child for an easy life. Good luck OP, don’t give up!

If you have a just three year old that is showing signs of a delay then you can NOT starve him to dig bad eating habits that you yourself have created. If he has delays then he could likely have sensory issues and I would strongly urge you to try and address those first. Look up The Isabella trust and research sensory processing issues. Amazon often have free books on the subject.

My nephew is now 4 and a bit and had many issues around food ( still does) and also has delays and sensory issues. Going in a few courses to understand then and undertaking training in speech therapy has made the world of difference.

@IAmReportingYouForBBQing Nobody would suggest starving a child. Everyone would suggest giving a child the food needed to grow healthily.