To starve my toddler

[TiredMama90]

My son is 3. He’s been a fussy eater since the beginning. I’m a single mum (not by choice). Admittedly some days, for an easy life, I’ve given him what he chooses.

It’s his 3rd day of not eating a decent meal and only wanting crap.

Shall I just refuse him the foods he wants (crisps, chocolate & the like) until he gives in and eats proper food.

How long until he will give in??

Not sure if anyone else has asked, but do you eat healthy meals? Do you avoid junk? If you lead by example and clearly state the reason (I eat these great foods so I’m super fast, so I’m super strong, so I’m big etc, sugar makes you weak etc) might soon come round. Works for us. Kids like sugar, but they like praise and “being clever/strong” etc. more, but the first few days will be a struggle as sounds like he’s already addicted to the stuff. Sugar is a hell of a drug.

^ ie vast quantities of added sugars in junk

Worth asking the GP for an urgent referral to a dietician as I have had most of my son's hospital appointments over the phone and whilst it can be difficult for a proper assessment I have still had good advice from the professionals. It is not about bad parenting and please ignore the posters who have said or implied that. It does sound like other issues are going on for your child. The amount of times I was labelled as a bad parent because my child had meltdowns or bit when he couldn't cope with the sensory overload of a situation (and no doubt there are some judging me now) but the people who really know my child, like the teachers and TAs have helped me see I am doing a good job. You may not feel like you have got this at this particular moment in time but you will, and you are doing amazingly as you are getting your child the help needed. It takes time and getting your head around of a form of parenting and life that you maybe never envisioned. It will be ok. Go with what you need to whilst you are waiting for professional advice. Try new things but keep things at a level that is copeable whilst you have little support. It won't be forever. The putting food in bowls is a great approach to try as it gives the child that bit of control as to what to try but don't push it until he starves at this stage without being advised to do that by a dietician.

Sorry so tired I forgot paragraphs exist

If he has sensory difficulties he could well have a very genuine difficulty with food and no amount of withholding food will make him eat. Look up ARFID.

Offer (For an example) a bowl of porridge/cornflakes/weetabix in the morning, piece of fruit as a snack. Sandwich and salad item At lunch. Meat, veg and carb for dinner. Water or milk as drinks (I would not waiver on these drinks). If your little one does not want to eat these meals, no problem. I would bet money that within a week he/she will. Multivitamins have pretty much all got artificial sweeteners in so I would avoid those. Definitely agree that parents who eat a balanced diet - their children follow by example x

Google Ellyn Satter and follow her program. It is the most sensible piece of childrearing advice I have ever encountered. Be gentle with yourself because you're doing a difficult job by yourself and it's a scary time.

Basically, you decide when a meal/snack takes place and what is served, he decides what and what amount he eats. No discussions, bribery, nothing. Serve dessert after lunch and dinner and don't bargain. It's part of the meal; i.e., he doesn't have to earn it by eating something else first.

Play the long game. You won't solve this in a week. But he might try a new food. Put the food out to serve him. Make sure there are familiar foods he likes and maybe one new food. Ellyn says always serve bread and butter, but it could be potatoes, or I have big portions of rice and yogurt when I make curry and now, after doing this for years, mine have tried the curry on their own and they like it!

Good luck OP. It's hard, but relinquishing control and avoiding conflict is the way forward.

My son doesn’t do “wet” foods. He will not eat anything with added sauces (weirdly enough used to have tomato sauce).
DS is the same. Breakfast is dry cereal or dry toast. He's a slow eater so it sits there all morning and he eats what he wants. Lunch time he has the same food every day - cheese on toast. He liked it and will ask for it 5 times a day so it's his primary safe food.

Won't even touch chicken nuggets and chips! I don't know why everyone thinks this is a default for every child who won't eat. DS doesn't eat chips, beyond the odd one stolen from me and he won't touch nuggets. No reason that I can see. He just "don't need them Mama"

People telling me she wouldn't starve herself were the most irritating people in the world.

It's not just irritating it's wrong and potentially very dangerous. Some children can be managed that way but not all children. Some will genuinely starve themselves.

Actually reading a previous post made the simplest advice - just don’t stock un healthy/sugary foods - then you can’t go wrong!

OP no particular advice but you have my sympathy. If you haven’t already tried it, I think allowing him to help himself from a selection of (reasonably) healthy options is worth a try.

For many years I thought DD did not like pasta. I now realise it is the sauce she doesn’t like - served plain with cheese, cucumber and sweet corn it’s become her new favourite.

I completely agree with everything @Boshmama said. A gentle approach to exposure to food.

My toddler has never been a hungry boy. It takes all of my will power not to break the rules for gentle toddler eating behaviours. I used to chase him around with pieces of toast or spoonfuls of porridge to try and encourage him to eat, I was so desperate.

Now, I just serve him healthy and balanced meals with no snacks to make sure he's hungry enough to at least try his meals. When he tells me he's done, even if it's after just two mouthfuls, I believe him and take his plate away. No pressure. Against my internal anxiety, I make myself respect his decisions on this.

I try not to look at what he's doing while he's eating (or not eating, most of the time). I found that the more I watched, the more stressed out I got. And they pick up on your stress. They really do. So I don't look. I chat to him. I drink my own coffee and chill. I can't force him to eat, but I can ensure that mealtimes are an exposure to a balanced meal, and that they are not stressful for either of us.

I once taught a child who would only eat crisps and chocolate and he got scurvy. From my observations of this, I would say that making a big deal about of food aversions serve to make things a lot worse. Positive, gentle and slow approaches seem to work the best. And reframing your own thinking. The more relaxed I am, the more/better my boy eats.

Good luck with this! It must be so stressful for you and I hope you have lots of support around you when things are tough with this journey.

I was this toddler. My mum tried the starve me option and I ended up under a consultant as I lost so much weight. He told her to feed me what I would eat and to offer me new foods to try, without any pressure.

As an adult I dislike tomatoes and am weird about texture. I hate anything soft and wet. Combined those made up most of my mums meals. I eat well now with lots of variety

You have my sympathy OP- my son (who has ASD and ADHD) isn’t too bad an eater but goes through phases and would starve if I only offered him stuff he didn’t want to eat.

Sounds like he needs to see the GP ASAP and get a referral with a dietitian along with paediatrician. Do you have a health visitor? It’s been a few years since my son was referred to paediatric team but it was the HV who did all that rather than the GP. I know HV availability can depend on where you live though.

I hope you get a breakthrough soon.

My 3 year old son is going through the ASD diagnosis process and food is a huge issue for us. He's gradually limited what he'll eat two items and it's actually led to him having such a vitamin deficiency that he has suspected rickets/scurvy (thankfully now improving with liquid vitamins and many doctors/hospital apts).

It's really really hard. He would genuinely starve rather than eat something he doesn't want to eat, and we tried the whole 'let him get hungry' thing at first. Now we just place food nearby or in front of him if he's calm and hope that he might take an interest. Touching and playing with new foods is a first step.

No real advice as we're still figuring it out ourselves but just to say if he has some form of SEN then the normal rules don't apply and either way it's nothing to do with your parenting!

There's a dietician on Instagram who is good for these things too - @autism.nutrition

I feel like people are completely ignoring that he throws up easily and has diarrhoa when he has fruit and veg. Is he being assessed for dietary issues, OP? Allergies aren't the only issues people have - there's a lot of people with intolerances to sugars in foods. He needs to see somebody because if he throws up at food/gets diarrhea from food no wonder he only wants to stick to things he knows.

Please don’t listen to if they are hungry they will eat. If he has sensory/sen it won’t work and he will starve himself. Both my boys have told me they would rather starve than eat food that they can’t stomach.
Are you sure he is eating well at nursery? Both my DCs with Asd/Adhd have issues with food. We were always told that they were eating well at school and nursery. A few years later we met someone who had been a dinner lady and they were not eating what we were told they were.
The best advice I had was from an Adhd nurse who said normal rules don’t apply and fed is best regardless of what.

Following with interest as my 4 year old the same. I am trying to do as others said, put the same meal as we are having but with his safe foods next to it. Its working better during the lockdown as we are having all our meals together. Good luck try not to get stressed, it's not your fault.

I agree with an earlier poster who suggested he eats with company. You mentioned earlier you are a binge eater, do you sit down for regular home cooked meals too?

Another query, what does he eat like when he goes to Grandparents/Uncles/Aunties for meals? I used to pander a bit to our daughter until I found out one day she ate something elsewhere that she wouldn't eat at home. Soon sorted out that dilemma.

good luck.

He won't go down the plug hole if he refuses to have a meal. If you try offering him a few different things like tapas he'll try something and find out he likes it. He knows you'll let him have junk if he won't eat the healthy stuff. Persevere! Fingers crossed for you. You'll get through it and in a couple of weeks you'll be shocked at all the stuff he eats because you stood firm. According to latest guidelines, you have to offer an infant something 17 times before they like it!

Can't you literally sweeten the deal by giving him foods that are healthy but still nice to eat?

My DS doesn't like plain yoghurt so I mix it with a smashed strawberry and he loves this. He doesn't like porridge so I found some healthy seasoning (dried seaweed) that he loves so he eats that too.
Some parents decorate veggies and fruit so they look lovely. My mum used to give me apple pieces with sugar and cinnamon so I would eat those. These were different times, wouldn't give my DS pure sugar but perhaps if he's old enough a bit of honey and cinnamon on apple?

Try fruit pots for babies if he refuses to eat regular fruit. Always offer some cut up fruit during the day. I usually cut some up and leave it one the kitchen table. My ds will usually eat some, my dd will just nibble on a bit of apple sometimes but some is better than nothing.

If he will eat soup make some but chuck in lots of veggies and blend till smooth. Try making sandwiches into faces or shapes and stick to easy fillings like cheese or cheese spread, add crisps if that will get him to eat the bread. For breakfast get him to pick out his own cereal or try jam on toast. If he will eat dry cereal instead of with milk go with that for a while and then slowly introduce milk. Add yoghurts and maybe choose ones with a TV character on them eg. paw patrol, or peppa pig. Keep things simple and pick your battles. Offer him the same food as you and try to eat together, my kids enjoy eating at the same time as us and tend to eat better then. It is easier if you establish good eating habits as you wean but some kids just are fussy.

My dear nephew eats crisps and chocolate everyday and has a very limited palate otherwise but does drink a lot of milk and fruit juice. His mum has always just stuck to what he eats because he does at least happily eat a few things on repeat eg. he has waffles and fishfingers everyday. She has tried to switch it up by slowly adding potato alphabets in instead of the waffles some days or a piece of battered fish instead of the fishfingers and slowly but surely nephew is getting there with other foods. I think the key is to still offer them other foods but have what they will definitely eat as a backup. This week I made homemade chicken mince burgers for my kids with cheese, lettuce and tomatoes. I put all the veg at the side and the kids made up their own burgers buns and ate them with chips. I sent a photo to my mil, dear nephew saw it and wanted them so his mum made them the next day. He ate a few nibbles but that is a start. Perseverance is key.

Also ask your health visitor about paediasure. You can bit it from Boots and add it to milk for fussy eaters to ensure they get some vitamins and minerals that they ate not getting from an adequate diet. It could help in the meantime.

Dont forget that a degree of 'fussiness' is a natural development stage:

When we lived in forests a baby would eat whatever its parent gave it. It is safe. When the baby becomes a toddler and starts to roam on its own it needs to have an inbuilt control to not eat the red (possibly poisonous) berries or whatever. This caution makes the toddler 'fussiness' extend to any unfamiliar foods and possibly even foods that the child previously ate without question.

The above did help me be a bit more patient with DS who was very limited in his diet (and the realisation that he really doesnt like cheese).

Some kids will stave themselves, my ds being one of them!