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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel completely gutted by friends coment

72 replies

Budababe · 15/09/2007 00:39

Background:

Back to school evening tonight. Went alone as DH away. Other friends there solo also.

ended up going to bar in town with a friend. Good chat in taxi. Got chatting to various guys in bar (both married so as far as i am concerned just a chat and I mention DH and DS frequently).

Somehow get on to subject of smoking. I dont smoke - she is a social smoker. She is a considerate smoker so I dont actually consider her to be a smoker. I make a comment that those who smoke take choice away from those who dont. She gets all defensive. Says its like obesity. I am size 22 so obese. I feel hurt but try to sort situation. She says she smokes but I am fat. Makes a huge point of me being fat.

I feel totally devastated. Yes I am fat. I know that. I dont actually rate obesity with social smoking. How much damage am I doing to her by me being fat?

I feel totally totally gutted. Like I have been kicked in stomach. I walked out of bar and sobbed my way up street. In taxi on way home she phoned - said sorry but I was attacking her. I said I wasn't but started to sob. Couldnt speak so said sorry and hung up. She rang again to say I shouldnt hang up on her and try to explain that I was attacking her. I tried to explain that commenting on smoking is not the same as saying someone is fat. She reckons she was fat at 9 so knows what it is like. I explained that I dont actually consider her to be a smoker as she is a considerate smoker but she reckons I was still attacking her.

I have cried all the way home and while paying babysitter. We are a group of 8 friends who get together regularly and I feel that has been ruined as I wont feel comfortable with her around in future.

I have txted 2 of the group to say she and I had a huge row and I was devasted. No reply as all in bed by now.

I feel so so gutted. Yes I am fat. But I though my friends could accept me for who i am. Feel so let down.

OP posts:

professorplum · 17/09/2007 21:23

Totally agree with Blu.

Someone said that your friends comments were about obesity being unattractive. I think I may have got the wrong end of the stick but I had assumed that her comments were along the lines of NHS costs and extra public transport requirements due to an increase in obesity generally. In this sense I feel that obesity can be comparable to smoking. If she is just saying you are fat therefore you are X, then I can understand your "infinitely more cruel and personal" comment". (unless you were saying you smoke therefore you stink.)

Isababel · 18/09/2007 00:29

I agree with Blu.

It seems to me that she has apologised but you are willing to keep playing the offended one although to be honest, you were also very insensitive to her.

Good for her for contacting you again, now if I had sent a letter like the one she sent and received a reply like the one you sent her... I'm sorry to be harsh, but I would be the one thinking the friendship is not worth keeping.

Now, with reference to your 20:41 comment... what does all that has to do with this problem?

Original poster

Budababe · 18/09/2007 08:33

OK folks - have taken all comments on board!

I hoped my reply wasn't too harsh - she mentioned being able to be civil to one another whereas I said I hoped we could be friends. I also said I didn't hold grudges. I do feel she could have said sorry. To me her email didn't come across as an apology - just a way to move on. I thought mine went a bit further but obv not.

Isababel - the 20.41 comment was to do with her insecurities. From other conversations I know that she feels she has to be sexually "available" (for want of a better phrase) for her husband at all times. She hates the winter here and gets very depresses. They are not happy with the school here hence putting their DS in boarding school. They also have a DD and are not totally happy with the schooling here for her. If it were me I would move back to UK and let DH fly in every week. But she doesn't feel she can as she "doesn't trust the women here". I read that as doesn't trust her DH.

OP posts:

OrmIrian · 18/09/2007 08:49

buda - I think your reply was from the heart. And I'm sorry but being fat is something that everyone judges you for all the time - smokers only get judged when they smoke . So there was no comparison. She hit out, for perfectly understandable reasons I suppose, but hit out a bit too hard and too accurately. It would be great to forgive and forget instantly but when someone has really hurt you it takes time. Perhaps you need to see her and talk it over a little.

PS I do feel sorry for smokers - to go from normal to social pariah in such a short period must be awful.

bubblagirl · 18/09/2007 09:04

can i say i too have had harsh words with a friend when been out drinking and people say things more freely than you would when not drinking it was wrong what she said but then some people would act defensive and throw something back

if she has apologised there is no reson the friendship cannot be the same i had real words with friends and were all still close as we all decided what was said was said apologies were made there's no point in dwelling on it and making yourself feel sour about it every day and there's no reason this cant make you close as you have dealt with it like adults and forgive and forget i know many smokers who would be affended at such comments and why just beacause it was weight is the comment more hurtful its because you took it personally and you should forgive her she has apologised

i've said wrong things when out drinking but the rule is to disgard such comments if alcohol is involved as it changes someones character

bubblagirl · 18/09/2007 09:10

but i still can understand why you feel so hurt i wouldn't like it but just because she is skinny with perfect boobs doesn't make her better than you men like meat darling dogs like bones

i am skinny but i have meat on me i am no where near stick thin but have overweight friends so know the sensitivity of weight issues but if you are happy dont compare yourself to someone else if your dh thinks you are sexy dont be upset at such comments by the sound if it her life is more insecure than yours feel proud of who you are

and dont be hurt maybe it was her insecurity making her snap but drink played a big part and should be forgotten just remember your life is better than that of the skinny woman with perfect boobs

newgirl · 18/09/2007 19:32

crikey - i think her email was spot on - i think she apologised and made the first move

i think your reply was a bit winey tbh

i think for your peace of mind and the fact you see each other all the time def try and put it behind you now

Scotia · 18/09/2007 20:01

I disagree. I don't think her email or her phone call could be taken as apologising. 'I'm sorry but it was your fault really' is no apology at all.

Jacanne · 18/09/2007 20:08

I don't really think she apologised in her e-mail and I think that you were honest in your reply.

LemonTart · 18/09/2007 20:22

of course you were both deeply hurt - you are friends and friends care deeply about how others view them and what we think of each other. Sounds like you both picked exactly the worst topics to upset each of you on - smoking and weight - and add a little alcohol in the mix - what a disaster! You poor things.
I know you don?t believe you attacked her - but in her eyes you did and that is what should matter the most. She felt very hurt by your opinions expressed, just as hurt as you did by her defensive and cruel comments.
Personally, I think you were a little tough. Ok so she wasn?t gushing with you - but it was the first move and I bet she is still upset as smoking comments are clearly a huge deal with her. When I was trying to stop, just a tiny mention of smoking was like an electric shock, really sensitive to it. LOL - now I am overweight and boy - any comment about that is the ultimate cringe worthy thing anyone could do to me too!!
Is your relationship worth saving? Up to you. If it is , you are gonna have to work a little harder than you have done so far... that response was cold and would if I had got that back I honestly would have thought "snotty cow! Sod her then, I was trying to patch things up but if she is still harping on about being upset and not able to see my side then she can forget it!"
Sorry, long winded and I guess not the view you were hoping for

Lovecat · 19/09/2007 06:25

I thought her email (your friend's one) was extremely cold - your own seemed quite reasonable, imho.

I've had the odd raging row with my best friend when we've both been in drink, but in the morning we've always been able to kiss and make up - because we both value our friendship and are able to recognise that we can both be silly cows when we get on our high horses!

I suppose the question is, do you value this friendship? Can you put behind you what she said, or will you always be thinking 'oh, she thinks I'm fat' and watching what you say to her in case of another explosion?

chipmonkey · 19/09/2007 18:09

There is a WORLD of difference between criticising someone for smoking and criticising someone for being fat! And dare I say it, being criticised over your weight by some skinny blonde cow is worse again! And that e-mail was not an apology! Buda, I really think you could do without "friends" like that!

newgirl · 19/09/2007 18:16

not sure there is a world of difference - a criticism hurts whatever it is about - especially between so called friends

NineUnlikelyTales · 19/09/2007 18:35

Can we not have comments like "some skinny blonde cow"? It isnt very nice to be described like that. How would you like to hear someone described as "some fat brunette cow"?

Budababe, I guess your reaction to this from now on will depend on how much you value your friendship with this woman. If you do want to stay friends with her I would say that talking to her is better than email.

chipmonkey · 19/09/2007 21:13

Sorry NineUnlikelyTales. Didn't mean that as a slur on skinny blondes generally. All I meant was that she sounds as if she herself is gorgeous and IS especially being a cow in that case to slag Buda off about her weight.
"Fat brunette cow" would probably describe me quite well actually!

Elasticwoman · 19/09/2007 21:45

Budababe, have you seen the film Hairspray?
If not, it might make you feel better about your body. But I agree your blonde slinky friend was very rude and hurtful to speak so personally and all that non-apology on the mobile afterwards when you were still raw from it, only made things worse. I agree with whoever said that it will take time to forgive her. You say you don't bear grudges, but you are bearing one now. Maybe it will only be for a short time, but this thread shows you haven't been ready to forgive her yet.

Things you've said about her show that you understand that having an alpha female body doesn't necessarily make you happy. A lot of those types fear that their appearance is all they have going for them. Smoking is very addictive but is also something that women sometimes do to stay slim, despite the risks.

I thought her email was a step towards an apology; better than nothing. And your answer seemed honest. Let time bring you closer together.

tearinghairout · 19/09/2007 22:11

I think it was the fact that her comment came completely out of the blue that has made you feel so shocked & let down; if a) you'd known she was capable of this, and b) she wasn't a mate, it wouldn't be a problem.

But, she'd been drinking, was on edge about ds/dh, and is sorry. So best to pretend it never happened, and say 'Hiya!' when you see her (but be in a hurry!)No doubt, given time, you can get back to normal, even if you are always on your guard with her in future.

NineUnlikelyTales · 19/09/2007 22:20

Chipmonkey

Original poster

Budababe · 21/09/2007 10:50

Missed all the new comments here for some reason - sorry!

Anyway - update!

Friend is going to UK today to see her DS who has just started boarding school. I had planned on sending her a text wishing her a nice weekend etc and saying I would see her next week. Was in a shopping centre yesterday and I spotted her in a shop with her back to me so I went in and said hello. She looked a bit surprised but I just gave her a hug, and then realised that another mutual friend was with her. We chatted briefly. I then left and a few minutes later met her outside the shop alone and asked how she was. She said she was out of control. Is missing her DS so much and she started to cry and said she couldn't believe what she had said. We had another hug (although she is not really a hugger - but I am!) and a chat. She had dropped out of a girls' night out next week but I asked her to please come. She said she might not feel up to it and is trying not to drink so much. So I just said "please don't come because of me, we have seen each other and gotten over the shitty bit and need to move on".

So - I feel a lot better.

Then spoke to the one friend who knows exactly what had happened and she had been with her the night before and said that she is just really in bits about her DS and is pining for him essentially.

OP posts:

chipmonkey · 21/09/2007 11:14

Budababe, you're a better person than me!

newgirl · 21/09/2007 13:21

well done you!!

you handled it wonderfully x

Elasticwoman · 21/09/2007 16:53

Yes, you were brilliant Budababe. You see, it wasn't all about you at all - she was just hitting out when she said what she said. And clearly alcohol doesn't have a good effect on her.

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