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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel completely gutted by friends coment

72 replies

Budababe · 15/09/2007 00:39

Background:

Back to school evening tonight. Went alone as DH away. Other friends there solo also.

ended up going to bar in town with a friend. Good chat in taxi. Got chatting to various guys in bar (both married so as far as i am concerned just a chat and I mention DH and DS frequently).

Somehow get on to subject of smoking. I dont smoke - she is a social smoker. She is a considerate smoker so I dont actually consider her to be a smoker. I make a comment that those who smoke take choice away from those who dont. She gets all defensive. Says its like obesity. I am size 22 so obese. I feel hurt but try to sort situation. She says she smokes but I am fat. Makes a huge point of me being fat.

I feel totally devastated. Yes I am fat. I know that. I dont actually rate obesity with social smoking. How much damage am I doing to her by me being fat?

I feel totally totally gutted. Like I have been kicked in stomach. I walked out of bar and sobbed my way up street. In taxi on way home she phoned - said sorry but I was attacking her. I said I wasn't but started to sob. Couldnt speak so said sorry and hung up. She rang again to say I shouldnt hang up on her and try to explain that I was attacking her. I tried to explain that commenting on smoking is not the same as saying someone is fat. She reckons she was fat at 9 so knows what it is like. I explained that I dont actually consider her to be a smoker as she is a considerate smoker but she reckons I was still attacking her.

I have cried all the way home and while paying babysitter. We are a group of 8 friends who get together regularly and I feel that has been ruined as I wont feel comfortable with her around in future.

I have txted 2 of the group to say she and I had a huge row and I was devasted. No reply as all in bed by now.

I feel so so gutted. Yes I am fat. But I though my friends could accept me for who i am. Feel so let down.

OP posts:
Aitch · 15/09/2007 00:46

aw, you poor poppet. sounds like a bad over-reaction on her part. och, try not to be concerned about it, she's completely missed your point, taken it personally and lashed out. i hope she'll realise tomorrow and maybe apologise then. don't cry, lovely, it'll be fine. i'm sure you're absolutely gorgeous inside and out.

margosbeenplayingwithmynoonoo · 15/09/2007 00:49

I know how rotten you must feel. did she say it in front of anyone else?

fairysnuff · 15/09/2007 00:49

Euh?
I don't get where she was coming from?
Sounds like the drink was in and the wit was oot!
I also think perhaps her guilt was talking too and ultimately she probably agrees with you but would never admit to it.

Don't worry about it she will apologise in the morn I am sure.
I hope anyway or she is a rubbish friend and a real horror

I have to say again, I really don't get where she was coming from??

Isababel · 15/09/2007 00:51

I don't know what to say Budababe, but want to send you a big cyberhug {{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}

I think you have hit one of her sensitivities (perhaps somebody has been giving her a bad time about smoking, or perhaps she has been trying to quit without success) in any case, she shouldn't have told you that, you were not getting personal, and she misunderstood and did... her problem, perhaps tomorrow she can see the problem under a different light.

Original poster
Budababe · 15/09/2007 00:56

Oh and there was an incident last year at a dinner at hers where a mutual friend who works for a tobacco company was being a shit saying that cigs are not addictive ( I actually posted about it afterwards - he is a client of DH). Everyone understood where I was coming from as said guy is known for being a sod.

Anyway - subject came up again and she tore into me for causing a row after "having a lovely meal" at her house. Feel so betrayed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Budababe · 15/09/2007 00:58

I know she is sensitive atm as her DS had just gone to boarding school. Hence the night out and then going on to bar with her alone. Just thought we would have a nice chat. She is someone who knows exactly how things stand with me and DH and we were having a good old chat.

It just came from nowhere.

OP posts:
Aitch · 15/09/2007 00:59

this isn't about you, buda, it's about her...

Original poster
Budababe · 15/09/2007 01:01

Do you think? I just feel so so shit.

OP posts:
Aitch · 15/09/2007 01:26

i totally think so, buda, it's got nothing to do with you at all. you can feel shit all you like, but it's about her feeling shit and deflecting it onto you, iykwim? totally.

SparklePop · 15/09/2007 01:27

Sounds like she just wanted to deflect the conversation away from her smoking. However it's very rude and unnecessary to comment on your weight as a retort. It's a shame to let this spoil your fun within the group. What she's done is hurtful but perhaps have a calm conversation about it and agree that in future the topics of smoking and weight are better not touched upon. Concentrate instead on why you like her as a friend (if you can!!)

It's awful when a friend says something unexpectedly hurtful. But it'll be ok. Plus everything does seem better in the morning usually. Especially when all those glasses of vino have worn off!!!

Mumcentreplus · 15/09/2007 01:27

Bud she's an insensitive cow who felt guilty about her smoking used your weight against you...personally I think she totally regrets her comment now and after some thought and less alcohol regrets it even more...just let things have a rest and then tell her how you feel about what she said...definately get it off your chest and perhaps you two can start over...I think she meant that both are addictions perhaps?...

SparklePop · 15/09/2007 01:34

That's a good point MCP, that occurred to e but I struggled to think up your succinct phrase. I definately think that's what she meant (as opposed to just being 100% completely rude). Still rude tho.

As an ex-smoker myself I remember getting irritated at some comments, particularly if you are smoking outside/away from the group etc, ie as considerately as possible. Some people (but not all of course) who comment enjoy having the moral high ground, and I could sense that a mile away. Not condoning smoking or critisising commenting on smoking either, just saying...

SparklePop · 15/09/2007 01:36

BTW, I am hoping to lend an insight here not make you feel worse or anything. Hers was a very nasty response. It's a low blow. I'm sure she'll regret it tomorrow, if she's a good friend.

Princesstandy · 15/09/2007 01:39

I wouldn't want 5 minutes in her head just now. It came from somewhere - perhaps she is a 'guilty smoker' or maybe she's just plain twisted. She may resent you for your weight or she may be having a shit time at home/work wherever.
One thing is for sure - she is definately not a drinking partner I would go out with again. I also don't think she's great 'friend' material - anyone who could be so cruel and unkind to a friend - niether knows the meaning or the value of friendship.
Stay away from her as much as possible.

slim22 · 15/09/2007 01:39

I'm with mumcentreplus.
That was really a cheap shot, but if you value her friendship, talk it over.

Princesstandy · 15/09/2007 01:51

But is it a valuble friendship?

WackyRacer · 15/09/2007 02:04

I couldn't and wouldn't even want to value a 'friendship' with someone who was prepared to humiliate me like that

You have my sincere sympathies Budababe I'm obese too and would also feel totally devastated and let down if a friend of mine made a comment like that

Original poster
Budababe · 15/09/2007 06:47

Thanks for all the comments and sympathy - I went to bed I'm afraid!

She has had a shit week - she put her eldest son into boarding school in UK - but I have noticed she does get defensive about anyone criticising smoking. But I don't consider her to be a smoker so I forgot.

Still feel shit about the whole thing.

OP posts:
kindersurprise · 15/09/2007 07:09

Don't feel bad, she was hurtful and nasty. Even if she felt you were "getting at her" because of the smoking, it is no excuse for being such a bitch. And we all have shit weeks, it is no excuse for hurting you.

Perhaps she was trying to make herself look better in front of the guys in the bar by calling attention to your weight.

I imagine she will phone you today and apologise properly. Do you want to stay friends with her? If so, then you have to sit down and talk about it with her.

If it is any consolation, she is probably feeling worse about it today than you are. (and quite rightly too)

pyjamaqueen · 15/09/2007 07:18

Sounds like a lesson in not drinking!

MrsScavoEatsJelly · 15/09/2007 07:40

Budababe, your friend has huge issues, and was being extreamly defensive, to the point of attacking you. What she said was out of order. I hope she realises how hurt you are and apologises, and you can move on. As aithc
said, it's not about you, it's about her.

professorplum · 15/09/2007 08:02

So you were both drinking and you slagged off something which she does and probably feels guilty about. She gets defensive and attacks you. Not very nice but I can see why she did it. Do you think she would have said those things if she hadn't been drinking? Not much of an excuse but makes it more understandable.

"I feel so so gutted. Yes I am fat. But I though my friends could accept me for who i am. Feel so let down."

Maybe she was thinking

"I feel so so gutted. Yes I do smoke. But I though my friends could accept me for who i am. Feel so let down."

I hope that you can talk about it and get your friendship back on track.

It does sound like she totally over reacted but she is obviously sensitive about smoking and if you want her to be sensitive around your issue of being fat, then you should have been sensitive about her 'issues'.

professorplum · 15/09/2007 08:08

fwiw, I would have been gutted by her comments too, but I wouldn't want to loose a friendship over what looks like an over-reaction. Hopefully you will be able to put it behind you.

harpsichordcarrier · 15/09/2007 08:21

sorry this has made you feel so shit.
she was out of order, but it really isn't to do with you, as aitch says.
I can exactly imagine how it went.
if I were you I would apologise for upsetting her and say you don't want it to get in the way of your friendship
hope you have a better day
HC xx

Original poster
Budababe · 15/09/2007 10:05

I actually didn't attack her for smoking! I forgot she smokes as she only smokes socially - it was a general comment about passive smoking! She wasn't actually smoking at the time.

OP posts: