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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel completely gutted by friends coment

72 replies

Budababe · 15/09/2007 00:39

Background:

Back to school evening tonight. Went alone as DH away. Other friends there solo also.

ended up going to bar in town with a friend. Good chat in taxi. Got chatting to various guys in bar (both married so as far as i am concerned just a chat and I mention DH and DS frequently).

Somehow get on to subject of smoking. I dont smoke - she is a social smoker. She is a considerate smoker so I dont actually consider her to be a smoker. I make a comment that those who smoke take choice away from those who dont. She gets all defensive. Says its like obesity. I am size 22 so obese. I feel hurt but try to sort situation. She says she smokes but I am fat. Makes a huge point of me being fat.

I feel totally devastated. Yes I am fat. I know that. I dont actually rate obesity with social smoking. How much damage am I doing to her by me being fat?

I feel totally totally gutted. Like I have been kicked in stomach. I walked out of bar and sobbed my way up street. In taxi on way home she phoned - said sorry but I was attacking her. I said I wasn't but started to sob. Couldnt speak so said sorry and hung up. She rang again to say I shouldnt hang up on her and try to explain that I was attacking her. I tried to explain that commenting on smoking is not the same as saying someone is fat. She reckons she was fat at 9 so knows what it is like. I explained that I dont actually consider her to be a smoker as she is a considerate smoker but she reckons I was still attacking her.

I have cried all the way home and while paying babysitter. We are a group of 8 friends who get together regularly and I feel that has been ruined as I wont feel comfortable with her around in future.

I have txted 2 of the group to say she and I had a huge row and I was devasted. No reply as all in bed by now.

I feel so so gutted. Yes I am fat. But I though my friends could accept me for who i am. Feel so let down.

OP posts:
Isababel · 15/09/2007 10:09

Well, perhaps she has been tired of the comments for a while and yesterday she had the last straw.

TBH, no matter how considerate a smoker she is, she is still a smoker and not likely to welcome your comments on the subject.

I think that she shouldn't have backlashed like that, but I believe the two of you were at fault and the relationship is worth saving. I think it would be easier for you both to put the thing behind you if you both understand where both were coming from

Carmenere · 15/09/2007 10:24

For me being overweight is a sensitive subject (although I am losing it now!!) but my friends know how I feel and would NEVER say what your friend did. I tend to think that she was being a bit vitriolic and you should steer clear of her until she apologises and with that I would then keep her at arms lenght.
Friends don't use your insecurities to score points, even if they are pissed and unless she is grovelling today, I would file this away under 'can't be trusted' and 'not quite as good a friend as I once thought'.

Original poster
Budababe · 15/09/2007 10:54

I think you are right Carmenere. I spoke to another friend this morning about it and she reminded me that this friend had been horrible to another friend of ours last year. Again it was a bad time for her - she was depressed and took it out on someone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
Budababe · 16/09/2007 19:00

Well I haven't heard from her. Will prob see her at school tomorrow afternoon unless I manage to avoid it somehow.

Still feel very hurt. Agree my comment was thoughtless but I was talking about smoking in general prompted by something the guy sat beside us had said about the bar being really smoky. She wasn't smoking at the time and I hadn't seen her smoke all evening. She is really into her health and fitness generally so the smoking seems not to fit her really - which is why I think I tend to forget that she DOES smoke.

I do feel however that while my comment was thoughtless, hers was downright cruel and much more personal.

OP posts:
NAB3 · 16/09/2007 19:04

You are right. You being over weight affects no one but you. Her smoking affects all those around.

newgirl · 16/09/2007 19:11

budababe

i do think there are two sides to the story here

you did criticise smoking - (i dont like smoking btw im not defending it) - youd both had some drinks and it probably sounded a bit preachy

her comments were horrid but she did call to apologise a couple of times

if you can i would honestly go up to her and say 'sorry - i think we had too much to drink and weren't thinking straight' or somesuch - i best she is mortified

Charlie999 · 16/09/2007 19:12

Well with friends like that, who needs enemies

Original poster
Budababe · 17/09/2007 13:54

Am shitting myself about meeting her at school. Tempted to ring a friend and ask her to grab DS and I'll get him from her house. Cowardly - moi??

OP posts:
NAB3 · 17/09/2007 13:57

Not cowardly but understandable. Do you want to be friends again with this woman? If not, just carryon with your life. She isn't the person you thought she was. If you do, go and find her at school and talk to her.

daydreambeliever · 17/09/2007 14:03

Budababe, you're totally right though, smoking does affect/bug everyone around the smoker. What a mean thing to come back at you with. And if some guy sits at a dinner party saying cigarettes are not addictive, someones going to tackle him on it. Except if a bloke argues with him on it, then its a serious debate and everyones nodding there heads and chipping in. And if its a woman, you're being argumentative and creating a bad atmosphere and must have had to much to drink.

And, hello, if shes that upset about sending her kids to boarding school then theres one easy solution to that. but then I guess she couldnt smoke around the house.

Sorry, no sympathy here for your spoilt, mean friend.

Original poster
Budababe · 17/09/2007 15:57

Thanks ddb - you made me laugh!

Didn't see her at school. Did see another friend who obv knows what happened as they were both at the same party on Sat night. Felt a bit awkward about that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Budababe · 17/09/2007 15:59

NAB3 - no I don't think I do particularly want to be her friend but she is part of a group of 8 of us so it will be awkward.

OP posts:
Original poster
Budababe · 17/09/2007 20:25

Well she e-mailed me this evening - this is what she said:

"If at all possible, I would like to try and resolve the unfortunate events from last Friday. I think we had both had too much to drink and said things that we shouldn?t have said. I understand that you are very sensitive about the weight issue, but in the same way, I am sensitive about the smoking and the negative vibes/comments I get from everybody when I indulge in something that is a very addictive habit. In an ideal world I would like to stop, and indeed, have tried many times. So yes, I snapped for many reasons. I get cross because I cannot give up, I had probably had one of the worst weeks of my life taking * to school, I had not had anything to eat all night so the wine had gone straight to my head.

We cannot turn the clock back, so is there any way we can move forward? We are both adults and even if we cannot be friends, it would be good if we could be civil towards each other when we meet at school, etc."

THIS was my reply:

"I too would like to move forward - after all this is a very small community.

I was not getting at you for smoking. I honestly forget (although maybe not now!) that you DO smoke. You seem so far removed from the "type" if there is such a thing. You are so into your fitness and healthy eating and have so much will power in other areas that it just doesn't seem "you". So it wasn't an attack. It came from that guy I had been talking to commenting on the general smokiness in the bar compared to bars in New York.

So my comment was thoughtless.

However I do feel that your comments were infinitely more cruel and personal and I felt (and still do) very very hurt. In fact I felt as if I had been kicked in the stomach. I was crying so much in the taxi while struggling to catch my breath that I couldn't speak to you on the phone. And I didn't call since as I knew I would just end up upset again.

I would hope we could be friends although I will say I still feel very hurt. But I have never been one for holding grudges and I do understand that you were feeling very upset about *.

Thanks for the e-mail. See you at school."

I don't feel she has apologised particularly so I didn't either but I think (hope) that I got the tone right.

Any thoughts? I never want to feel as nervous as I did today going to school to pick up DS.

OP posts:
FluffyMummy123 · 17/09/2007 20:26

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Budababe · 17/09/2007 20:30

Harsh? Coming from you? Oh God!

OP posts:
PSCMUM · 17/09/2007 20:33

god what a total total cow.
what an absolute cow
really, i just can't think of anything more constructive to say apart from that i would quite possible have smacked a friend quite hard if they had said that to me!

PinkChick · 17/09/2007 20:34

she sounds like she was writing a complaint ltter to a company, yours soundeed like an upset, but trying to explain friend, she didnt apologise and she was intentionally a bitch, you were thoughtless as youve said you forgot she smoked..leave it, youve said youd be civil, shes not worth the time of day!, so what if she was upset, youd gone out for nice drink with her, not to be her punch bag!

PSCMUM · 17/09/2007 20:37

and, smoking is totally selfish. even if you do it in a field in the middle of nowhere, the disgusting fumes are still going into our shared air, and so its selfish. being fat, i just can't see how it is comparable?! I have really awful skin, scabby spotty horrible skin, but i don't think i am doing anything selfish by having such skin which is about 20,000 more unattractive than being fat! i am struggling to comprehend why she even raised it. perhaps jealous of you - are you really fun and hilarious and she is really rubbihs and boring? perhaps there is some underlying jealousy there that she just wanted to get at you about. also her apology is a joke. if i was her i would've been on my knees dying of shame!

Original poster
Budababe · 17/09/2007 20:41

She is tall, blonde, attractive with an amazing figure - the most amazing boobs you have ever seen - all her own work! But she is very insecure. Her relationship with her DH is very sexually driven - we had talked earlier that night about the son going to boarding school and I said I would rather move back to UK and let DH "commute" but she said she couldn't as her DH would look elsewhere.

OP posts:
FluffyMummy123 · 17/09/2007 20:41

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Budababe · 17/09/2007 20:49

Can't imagine you are a poof in RL coddy!

You're so right - the friendship will never be the same again.

I felt I had to be clear as to why i was so upset.

OP posts:
Blu · 17/09/2007 20:59

Budababe - In all truth, you know how very upset you were about her insensitive, and , yes, cruel, comments about your weight, but wiht her references to her addiction and her obvious insecurities, she may well have been as upset as you were, whether you think this is reasonable or not. I think you were harsh in your response...and I think it was a bit much to immediately text 2 other members of the group, too. You can't make general comments about smokers and then as an afterthought say 'oh i didn't mean you' and not expect people to take it a little personally. She admitted she over-reacted, she acknowledged her shit week, she said she knew she had had too much to drink...but in effect you have not accepted her plea for resolution. I agree she could have said 'I'm so sorry....' but presumably by now knows you have told other mutual freinds, so was feeling defensive about that, too.

Sorry - not want you want to hear. I am genuinely sorry that she said such upsetting things to you.

PinkChick · 17/09/2007 21:04

buda i had(HAD) a friend like that, tall blond, slim, modelled in spare time, big house, fab hubby did 1/2 of EVERYTHING..and she copied and was jealous of everything i did!(and im short, fat and dont even know natural colour of own hair!)..we dont talk now cos shed started getting her child to mirror everything my dd did!..spooky but strange??

Aitch · 17/09/2007 21:19

i thought her email was pretty decent actually, not at all like a shop complaint. i thought it was a good apology and to be fair she should get points for having made the first move.

Aitch · 17/09/2007 21:20

and i thought she acknowledged that it was all about her and she was lashing out...