Should he delete it?

[emlizcor]

Our daughter is 18 and has been driving for about 6 months, she has a black box and and app with her insurance that rates her driving. As we pay for the insurance and obviously want her to be safe and also see the cost come down, my husband, her dad has the app on his phone as well as her. She is not happy at this because alongside rating her speed etc it shows where she has driven. We don’t even look at that as it’s really not that interesting we just check her ratings but she’s kicking off hugely insisting he should delete the app. She says it’s weird and controlling and won’t accept we’re not checking up on her all the time.
Our view is pay your own insurance and we’ll delete it. What do you think?

Even if half the article is accurate, it's still atrocious. But then, i don't really get affairs either. If you are unhappy enough that you want to be with someone else, just end it and move on. Easier said that done I suppose but i'm not paranoid enough to start tracking my husband either and he's the same. Tracking your family/partners not the actions of a loving person.

You are teaching her that it is OK for someone close to her to monitor her movements. How would you feel if her future partner installed an app to trace where she is going?

My kids would tell me where they are going before they went out. I appreciated that. But had I wanted to track them, I'm pretty sure that they'd have made sure they didn't share anything else with me. Because why would they? I'd have made it clear that I was choosing to have the opportunity to pry into their movements, so why would they choose to tell me anything else?

It is weird and controlling but its also weird and kind of, I don't know, I cant think what what word I want, immature maybe, to have your parents paying your car insurance. At 18 she should have freedom, privacy and independence but if she's reliant on you to pay her basic bills then she isnt independent at all and that would worry me a little. At her age, she really should be taking financial responsibility for her own car, it's weird not to, its like having your mum pay your phone contract.

But the OP says they’re not tracking movement- that’s an option, but the app gives lots of other important info.

Including information that financially impacts the OP!

If the black box records speeding etc the OP will have to foot the financial burden of this. AFAIAW you get a warning and then the bill, so the tracker is super important.

Not sure if OP is coming back so this may be just pissing in the wind, but I think it's controlling too. Why not just ask her to show you the app on her phone once a month so you can see her rating? It's really not necessary to track her with the app.

Delete the insurance, till she stops over reacting

Creepy and controlling.

Way too controlling. She is an adult. Would you want her partner to insist he could follow her every move if she relied on him at all financially?

I'm 28, not 18, and would still feel inhibited if my parents could track what I do, where I go and and when. I'd feel like I had to explain myself - not that I do anything out of the ordinary or wrong. As an example, I share an amazon household account with my dad to access each other's kindle books. I don't like that he can see how much I am willing to spend and preferred it when we just swapped paperbacks we were done with! At 18, I would have felt extremely on edge about be watched or tracked.

The SAHM argument is stupid as fuck. SAHM’s contribute to the household by raising the children, saving money on childcare, presumably doing the lions share of the housework blah blah blah. There are other ways people contribute besides cash.

I personally never suggested that SAHMs don't make an invaluable contribution to the household and family. Of course they do - it's a complete partnership. I was just going on the rigid 'My money pays for it, so only my opinion matters' pov that we were seeing in this thread. No relationship, no love, no blood-ties, no trust, no respect - just 'my money: I'm boss'.

You can’t use the “adult” line if you’re not prepared to do anything that actually involves being an adult. For all intents and purposes, and 18yo living at home, completely financially dependent on parents is a child.

And that's exactly the way it will stay forever if no attempt is made to help your son/daughter to transition into the adult world as and when circumstances allow; indeed, if you make a deliberate effort to keep them subjugated as a child and deny them any natural independence when you so easily could.

It's the belief that, because they aren't yet financially independent, they don't deserve any independence, however easily achievable, at all. You wouldn't dream of doing that at any other age or stage:

"No, I am NOT going to hold your arms up and guide and support you whilst you take your very first steps - until you can walk properly on your own, you are still a helpless baby and I don't want to know until you can walk confidently on your own like a proper toddler."

Maybe strike a deal, she pays her insurance and you delete the app!

I have trackers on all my family - parents, grandparents and kids!! It's not about spying, it's about being safe and helping in an emergency.

I only open the app when needed and my kids know if for their safety as much as anything! No one has anything to hide so they aren't bothered we all have access.

If she doesn't like it, don't go to places that she shouldn't be ... better still pay her own ins!

I wasn't able to afford a car at 18. I didn't buy one till I was 33. So if your parents are helping you out financially, you can't really complain much at to how they are doing it. Part of being an adult is sticking to things you can afford yourself.

Part of being an adult is sticking to things you can afford yourself.

So nobody who needs benefits to make ends meet (including child benefit) is a proper adult, then?

I'm buggered if I'd anyone have that sort of control over any aspect of my life and spy on me like that. And he certainly would not have my agreement to spy on my 19 year old daughter.

I remember a very sad thread from some time ago, where a woman and her child(ren) were being horribly abused - emotionally, financially and physically. People were giving her the very wise advice to get herself and kids away from him, but she was really struggling to do that - even whilst he was out at work - because he'd installed cameras in every room, which he monitored almost constantly, and would receive an alert if they were switched off or tampered with. Filthy, filthy excuse for a man - ironically, if he ended up in prison, as he so richly deserved, he would still have been given more privacy than he allowed his wife.

She's an adult. Delete it. She might start parking a great distance from her destination and walking alone if you don't. Tread carefully, she should have her privacy.

Is there any reason she couldnt just send you a screenshot of her score upon request? Why does your DH need to have the app?

The government are not your parents. That's why it's not the same.

Furthermore, I don't know how benefits work over there where you live, but GPS tracking in exchange for benefits would have been the least of my problems when I was on it.

She pays for her own insurance and you can delete the app. Something about biting the hand that feeds you here

I wasn't able to afford a car at 18. I didn't buy one till I was 33. So if your parents are helping you out financially, you can't really complain much at to how they are doing it. Part of being an adult is sticking to things you can afford yourself.

Which is great @CaptSkippy if you live somewhere with reasonable public transport. I live semi rurally. My kids needed ferrying to their Saturday jobs when they were 18 because there was no public transport there. Their social life relied on patents taking it in turns to take the groups of friend into town, nine miles away. When they came home from uni at 21, they had no chance of getting a job without a car, and no money to run one. So yes, we needed to help with insurance etc, until they had an income.

It's ridiculous to say they shouldn't have and run a car until they can afford to do so, when without a car they have no means of earning an income.

That's not what I was saying at all. I am saying that if someone pays your way or part of your way you can't complain about the conditions they set. That's part of being an adult. You can negotiate, but that does not mean you get what you want.

I meant that's part of being an adult aswell.

This is exactly the kind of thing my mum would have done. It is incredibly intrusive and controlling and she won't forget it.

She's an adult. You've agreed to help her with insurance costs, but that shouldn't come with the disclaimer that you're allowed to snoop on her. It's horrible and very manipulative to offer someone help and then add conditions like that. She obviously could really use the financial assistance (i.e. she'd tell you to sling your hook if she was 35 and in a well paid job. You're only able to hold this over her because she is 18 and hasn't got started yet). You're taking advantage of the fact that she can't afford to refuse your assistance. Not cool.

Sorry OP, I can't get my head around your daughter's reaction. Want privacy? Be an adult and pay your own bills.

That's not what I was saying at all. I am saying that if someone pays your way or part of your way you can't complain about the conditions they set. That's part of being an adult. You can negotiate, but that does not mean you get what you want.

That’s never the tone taken on any threads where MIL wants a say in a wedding because of money given.

Or when parents start voicing opinions on houses when they are gifting or loaning deposit money.

Only teenagers are supposed to be insanely independent or grovelling with gratitude for any financial thing their parent does for them