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Original poster

Should he delete it?

341 replies

emlizcor · 22/04/2020 09:53

Our daughter is 18 and has been driving for about 6 months, she has a black box and and app with her insurance that rates her driving. As we pay for the insurance and obviously want her to be safe and also see the cost come down, my husband, her dad has the app on his phone as well as her. She is not happy at this because alongside rating her speed etc it shows where she has driven. We don’t even look at that as it’s really not that interesting we just check her ratings but she’s kicking off hugely insisting he should delete the app. She says it’s weird and controlling and won’t accept we’re not checking up on her all the time.
Our view is pay your own insurance and we’ll delete it. What do you think?

OP posts:
CaptSkippy · 22/04/2020 17:51

I know I am pretty much "pay your own way or accept the strings," but I can see the other side as well.
My parents were like this and as a result I keep them at a distance and enforce strict boundaries now I am able to pay my own way.

That's the flip side OP will have to accept. Every action has consequences. Once a child is able to do it all themselves the bond you have with them may not be as close as you want.

Klonda · 22/04/2020 17:55

Having looked at the app, there is absolutely no reason why you couldnt just ask your daughter to tell you her score or, if you really don't trust her, send a screenshot.

I dont believe that you're not primarily using the app to track her movements. There is no other good reason for you to have it.

artistformerlyknownas · 22/04/2020 17:58

It's horrible and very manipulative to offer someone help and then add conditions like that. She obviously could really use the financial assistance (i.e. she'd tell you to sling your hook if she was 35 and in a well paid job. You're only able to hold this over her because she is 18 and hasn't got started yet). You're taking advantage of the fact that she can't afford to refuse your assistance. Not cool.

This ^ 100%.

Fluffybutter · 22/04/2020 18:07

I wouldn’t care if my parents knew where I was if they could be bothered to look.
Can’t get annoyed at that tbh

Klonda · 22/04/2020 18:17

Sure you can live at home with us for minimal rent, but we do expect you to wear this special ankle bracelet.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 22/04/2020 18:25

To be fair, if we said that no 18yo should have something that's financially front-loaded that they can't yet pay for and should wait until they can afford to pay for it in full, the average age of a university undergraduate would be 54.

And if we extended it to all adults, we'd have pensioners being first-time-buyers rather than looking to downsize or release equity....

Divebar · 22/04/2020 21:55

I have trackers on all my family - parents, grandparents and kids!! It's not about spying, it's about being safe and helping in an emergency

How can anyone read that and not think it’s controlling. This is straight out the handbook of coercive control. What constitutes an emergency to you?

If she doesn't like it, don't go to places that she shouldn't be.

Who decides @NChangeForNoReason what is a place she shouldn’t be? Why do they get to decide that she shouldn’t go to certain places?

I have been in the position of utilising this kind of data for legitimate government reasons so I have every reason to welcome it but I feel very strongly that our personal freedoms are being eroded by the degree of surveillance that other people have over us. I find it unacceptably intrusive and an erosion of the right to privacy that we legally have. You sound like the guy in the newspaper article.

saraclara · 22/04/2020 23:36

I have trackers on all my family - parents, grandparents and kids!! It's not about spying, it's about being safe and helping in an emergency

Do they know, @NChangeForNoReason ?

Sugartitss · 23/04/2020 00:08

i agree with your daughter, it’s weird and controlling.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 23/04/2020 00:55

I have trackers on all my family - parents, grandparents and kids!! It's not about spying, it's about being safe and helping in an emergency

Do they all also have the reciprocal ability to track you - and has everybody agreed wholeheartedly to it?

Bearing in mind that, if a child is young enough that they still need to be 'tracked' and supervised everywhere they are, they will have a responsible adult with them in person at all times - not just rely on a phone. When they are older, they will likely have their own phone and be able to make and receive calls and messages in case of any concern or need/desire to make contact, without being under constant surveillance by default.

Plenty of folk are using Teams, Skype, Zoom, FaceTime etc at the moment and are more than happy to log in and video-chat with friends and family; it doesn't mean that most of them would be willing to have their webcam on 24/7 for any associate to check up on them at will.

HaddawayAndShite · 23/04/2020 01:09

Controlling and invasive.

Nowhere in the OP does it state that her DD asked for her insurance to be paid for. It could have been a kind offer from parents which, let’s face it, at 18 and likely to have just finished high school education any of us would snap up the offer. But did the offer come with these puppet like strings? Only helping out your adult child if you can track her every movement like a controlling partner with no trust? It’s quite sad to see parents thinking this level of coercive control is ok when you know of this was dds boyfriend doing this it would be deemed as horribly controlling and abusive.

CJsGoldfish · 23/04/2020 03:21

Want privacy? Be an adult and pay your own bills

Hmmm. Does this extend to those on benefits? SAHMs? At what point is it OK to accept help but still have privacy?

18 is an adult, but a young one. What is the lesson here? Pay your own way or accept whatever the consequences/lack of privacy are? As a parent, it isn't a lesson I'd want to teach my daughters.
If someone else is paying for you/supporting you, they are perfectly entitled to track your every move? Yeah, that's not going to backfire, is it Sad

Bluesheep8 · 23/04/2020 07:05

If she wants control of it/privacy then she pays for it. Simple

JohnFinlaysNewTeeth · 23/04/2020 08:11

Yes, if I’m paying I’m in total and utter control and except to know everything that happens. I also have cctv in all our teenagers bedrooms and the bathroom. Fuck the scrounging bastards if they’re taking my money I’m in control. I say it’s a measure to keep them safe but I’m just asserting my control over them because I have a fragile ego.

saraclara · 23/04/2020 08:12

If she wants control of it/privacy then she pays for it. Simple

I'm genuinely shocked that so many people think that it's perfectly reasonable to use money to control people. That those without it should be in thrall to those who help them out in any way. That privacy and control over one's life comes with a cost.

We're not talking a mature adult that's chosen to gamble or drink their money away here. Someone who can't be trusted to manage their money or their life. We're talking a young person who is not yet at the stage of life where they've accumulated enough capital or income to run something that is a necessity. There is absolutely no reason for them to have to give up a fundamental human right to the person who's helping them out temporarily.

MarieQueenofScots · 23/04/2020 08:30

Want privacy? Be an adult and pay your own bills

What an incredibly damaging and reductive view.

CaptSkippy · 23/04/2020 09:37

To be fair the dynamic of controlling people with money is pretty standard in western countries. I didn't even think about it much till now. The less you have the more either the government/employer/parents/other benefactors can control you. It's almost goes unquestioned and there is often very little you can do about it.

The number of hoops I had to jump through to get and keep benefits, when I was a few months out of work made me feel like a small child/criminal, but it was either that or not having a roof over my head.

saraclara · 23/04/2020 09:43

@CaptSkippy the equivalent in your position would be the government having access to where and on what you spent your benefits though.

No, actually the girl in the OP's privacy is being invaded even more. Because who she sees has nothing to do with the use of the money. The bit of the app that shows how well she drives is equivalent to what you spend the benefits on. The location stuff has nothing to do with the insurance.

ALovelyBitOfSquirrel · 23/04/2020 09:52

Er anyone seen the OP, she seems to have disappeared! Hmm

Abbccc · 23/04/2020 09:56

It is weird and controlling and I don't think insurance companies should be able to do it either. But I'd ask her to pay for her own insurance.

aforapplebforbanana · 23/04/2020 10:06

Abbccc, I've also been thinking about why insurers would include this in the App. Yes, it may occasionally be useful to know where a car was in case of a dispute about an accident. However, that information could be held by the insurers and only accessed in case of dispute. Giving family members the ability to track our movements, just seems to be another step in towards people being expected to be accessible and contactable at all time.

If I'm 18 and want to visit the doctor for family planning advice, or want to drive to a remote location with my BF for some 'peace and quiet', I don't necessarily want my dad to know where I've been. I just want to step 'off grid' for a while. Yet it seems to be becoming more and more difficult to do this.

saraclara · 23/04/2020 10:12

If I'm 18 and want to visit the doctor for family planning advice,..

Exactly! All this "well if she's got nothing to hide.." stuff is ridiculous. We do not have to share every element of our lives with our parents. I don't want to come home from the doctors (for whatever reason I've gone) to be met with "Why are your at the doctors today...what's wrong?"

CaptSkippy · 23/04/2020 10:14

@saraclara They did. I had to hand over detailed bankstatements of the three months of bank activity of all my bank accounts before I could apply.

RufustheLanglovingreindeer · 23/04/2020 10:16

I had to go with dd for family planning

And thats nearly as bad cos it makes me look like a controlling mum!

GinDrinker00 · 23/04/2020 10:52

She’s 18 and a adult. Stop invading her privacy. I’d be furious too.

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