Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH cheated? Positive sti results

146 replies

turmoil123 · 21/04/2020 15:57

This will be a long one. Don't want to drip feed.

Basically, been married for 5 years, together for 9.

We have a 2yo DS

We have a happy marriage, never ever had reason to doubt his fidelity.

After suffering from bad abdominal pains and unusual discharge for a week, I went to the doctors and had swabs taken. I was put on two different antibiotics until results came back (he did mention chlamydia amongst other possibilities but I didn't think much of it at the time) which they did today. Nurse has told me I have chlamydia.

So, I had a full sti screening not long before I met DH and the only positive result I got was HSV1 which I knew about.

DH has never had a sti check nor has he had any symptoms of chlamydia.

They can't test him just now because sti screening has been suspended due to covid - 19. They have prescribed him antibiotics though and we will both need checked again when testing resumes.

I wasn't checked for chlamydia during my pregnancy, as they don't routinely do it here. The nurse checked my records.

Obviously, I spoke to DH about it. He swears blind he hasn't cheated.

The nurse told me it can lie dormant for many years, but likely would have caused complications with my fertility or pregnancy which obviously it didn't.

Is it even possible he's had it all this time and I've only just caught it from him?

I think I know the answer. But where do I go from here, when he's so adamant he's never cheated on me.

My head is all over the place, I can't even go to a friend or family right now 😔

OP posts:
SpudsAreLife84 · 21/04/2020 16:00

Oh gosh, what an awful situation Sad hopefully someone with experience will come along soon, but in the meantime here is an un-mumsnetty hug and a hand hold Flowers

Original poster
turmoil123 · 21/04/2020 16:03

Thank you @SpudsAreLife84 my heart is absolutely racing

OP posts:
wanderlove · 21/04/2020 16:05

I think you have to consider everything but if the nurse said it could lie dormant for years then it's not necessarily that he's cheated, however you need to seriously consider this as well.

SpudsAreLife84 · 21/04/2020 16:05

I bet, mine would be too. I really hope there is an innocent explanation for this Sad Had you had any suspicions of cheating before this??

Aquamarine1029 · 21/04/2020 16:06

Half of all men don't show any symptoms, so your husband might have passed it to you but from another relationship before you even met.

Original poster
turmoil123 · 21/04/2020 16:09

No I have literally never had suspicion of him cheating. He does work away quite a lot though so the possibility would be there. He's quiet and reserved, not overly confident in the bedroom either 🤷🏼‍♀️

I really want to believe him, but I don't want to be taken for a mug either. I would literally never find out if he HAS cheated especially on a work trip.

He's also been caught out lying before, not over anything this serious, but it shows he is capable of lying to me.

OP posts:
SooPDoZang · 21/04/2020 16:11

OP i had a full STD check before I got with DP l, everything was all clear

Back in January I started getting cramps and bleeding after sex, went to doctors reffered for a scan and a swab and i had chlamydia.

I was absolutely horrified, me and DP had been together for 2 years by this point. My first thought was he had cheated.

But realisticly he hadnt and i assume he had it before we got together. He works 12 hour days, we speak frequently throughout the day and his friends come to ours, aside from work he is always at home.

We both went to a clinic where they have us both strong antibiotics for a week and everything has been fine since

Only you will know if hes been acting shady, spent time away etc but it can lie dormant for years

KatzP · 21/04/2020 16:14

If it has been dormant - and I don’t know anything about that - and your husband hasn’t cheated then he could be thinking exactly the same about you. So consider that as you are working through your feelings and thoughts.

Speaking from experience I had an infection which the GP was convinced was an STI - I’ve been with my husband and not slept with anyone else for 18 years. We also both had sti screening. To say DH was unhappy about being asking if he’d cheated is an understatement. Turned out the infection I had wasn’t an sti. We had some interesting discussions over this.

19lottie82 · 21/04/2020 16:15

Can you not buy a DIY test kit online for your husband?

In regards to whether he cheated or not...... it’s a tricky one. I understand that it can let dormant for years, but it’s pretty rare.

Lockheart · 21/04/2020 16:16

Chlamydia can lie dormant for many many years, even decades, with no symptoms whatsoever.

It is possible, assuming he is not your only ever sexual partner, that it's been lying dormant in you and you've given it to him. You had a negative test several years ago but false negatives can happen with chlamydia.

Approximately 2/3 of women and 50% of men won't ever have any symptoms (per the FPA).

Please read up on chlamydia properly before deciding your DH has cheated on you, especially as you say there have been no suggestions of infidelity before. It is a possibility but it is not a certainty.

Original poster
turmoil123 · 21/04/2020 16:17

Interestingly he's not accused me or even asked if it was me who cheated.

Although when I got the news he could see the shock and upset I reckon.

I suppose I technically wouldn't have even have had to tell him as I was already taking the medication

OP posts:
Cabinfever10 · 21/04/2020 16:17

Yes it can lie dormant for years, but 10 plus years with no fertility issues is highly unlikely.
Sorry but it's more likely that he's cheated, though not necessarily recently.

Lockheart · 21/04/2020 16:19

Another poster also makes a good point that he could now be wondering if it's you that's cheated. Another reason to try and work through this factually and calmly rather than going for the nuclear option straight away.

helpmum2003 · 21/04/2020 16:20

Chlamydia can lay dormant without symptoms but i would expect it to stay that way. If you have symptoms it is suggestive it could be recently acquired. Not 100% but suspicious. I work in a related area.

helpmum2003 · 21/04/2020 16:21

Just to add whether he is positive or not may be theoretical as some people clear it without treatment.

Sorry, what a horrible situation..

browzingss · 21/04/2020 16:27

You have no way of finding out unless he admits to something unfortunately. His future test will be clear if he’s already treating it with the antibiotics.

It’s possible that you have had dormant Chlamydia, but if you’re dating the transmission back to the beginning of your relationship, you think it’s been dormant for 10 years? Then symptoms just triggered almost 10 years later? It does seem a bit far fetched.

Chlamydia could potentially flare up due to a change in your immune system eg severe cold/flu, have you had one recently? But then again, I’m sure you’ve been poorly at some point within the last 10 years so why hasn’t it triggered before?

It’s a shame neither of you had an STI test in the past 10 years. Even if you suspect your partner would never cheat, it’s just a health checkup and useful regardless. I get tested annually, have never had a STI, but find the appointments valuable as they were able to note changes such as an ectropion and immediately treat it.

Original poster
turmoil123 · 21/04/2020 16:33

@browzingss I did get tested just before meeting him, and haven't slept with anyone else since the test so he has 100% given it to me. it's just trying to figure out whether he had it prior to our relationship and passed it to me at some point within the last 9 years or if he's cheated on me recently 😔

OP posts:
Melroses · 21/04/2020 16:38

This happened to a friend of mine who was told it could have lain dormant for 23 years, which seemed a bit unlikely, but there you go.

She said it was a matter of trust, and he said he had not cheated, and she trusted him, otherwise why be married? She still loved him and wanted to carry on with the marriage and it was her call.

GPs are still open, and there is online testing, so your DP should get himself tested. It is probably worth having follow up tests too to be sure that it is gone.

Lockheart · 21/04/2020 16:39

@turmoil123 false negatives can happen with chlamydia. They're not common, but they do occur (at a rate of about 5% I believe, so it's within the realms of possibility).

There is no way you can say that he's 100% given it to you and not the other way around. There is a small chance that you had it and your test didn't pick it up.

Another factor would be the time between your last sexual encounter and having the test. I think it's recommended to wait at least 2 weeks before having the test to ensure the best chance of it being picked up, although you can test earlier.

champagneandfromage50 · 21/04/2020 16:39

hmmm sorry but i think he has cheated. I know someone whose girlfriend ended up with symptoms and i believe its men that can have it for years with no symptoms and end up infertile. The girl had a STI check the year before and she lost the plot and her boyfriend tried to suggest it must have been lying dormant but he tested positive and finally admitted he had a ons...not one person in the STI clinic suggested it was some 'dormant' STI that suddenly just appeared.... interesting that your DH is so passive he must have been thrilled when you relayed that the nurse said it could lie dormant

browzingss · 21/04/2020 16:46

Unfortunately I don’t think you will ever be able to figure that out, this is easier said than done but you’ll have to try to not let this consume your thoughts, because there’s no definitive answer unless you find evidence he’s cheated.

It’s just one of those things now, it’s possible but unlikely that it’s been dormant but you have to try to accept whatever u

rbe78 · 21/04/2020 16:49

onlinedoctor.superdrug.com/sti-tests.html

SunShine682 · 21/04/2020 16:49

I thought chlamydia showed anytime from 7-21 days after being infected? So he would of infected you a week to 3 weeks before you started getting symptoms. (If you show symptoms)

I wouldn’t presume that he/you have had an sti for 10 years, never had any symptoms and it’s only just decided to show up even though in that time you got pregnant fine?

browzingss · 21/04/2020 16:53

*Whatever his side is for now, unless he gives you further reason to be concerned.

Having said that, I do think it’s weird to think that you’ve apparently had dormant chlamydia for 9 years, which has been untreated but caused absolutely no further issues with you/your pregnancies/your babies etc.

SunShine682 · 21/04/2020 16:57

If not treated, chlamydia can lead to damage to the reproductive system. In women, chlamydial infection can spread to the uterus or fallopian tubes and cause pelvic inflammatory disease (PID), according to the CDC. PID can damage the fallopian tubes and uterus and cause chronic pain, infertility, and ectopic pregnancy. Women who have chlamydia also are at much greater risk for becoming infected with HIV. In men, complications from chlamydia are rare.

In pregnant women, chlamydia can cause premature delivery, the CDC says. A child born to an infected woman can develop an infection in their eyes and respiratory tracts

Can I ask if your baby have any problems like stated above ? (I hope he or she didn’t btw!)

Linked from here: www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=chlamydia-can-lead-to-infertility-1-2517

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.