To think DH cheated? Positive sti results

[turmoil123]

This will be a long one. Don't want to drip feed.

Basically, been married for 5 years, together for 9.

We have a 2yo DS

We have a happy marriage, never ever had reason to doubt his fidelity.

After suffering from bad abdominal pains and unusual discharge for a week, I went to the doctors and had swabs taken. I was put on two different antibiotics until results came back (he did mention chlamydia amongst other possibilities but I didn't think much of it at the time) which they did today. Nurse has told me I have chlamydia.

So, I had a full sti screening not long before I met DH and the only positive result I got was HSV1 which I knew about.

DH has never had a sti check nor has he had any symptoms of chlamydia.

They can't test him just now because sti screening has been suspended due to covid - 19. They have prescribed him antibiotics though and we will both need checked again when testing resumes.

I wasn't checked for chlamydia during my pregnancy, as they don't routinely do it here. The nurse checked my records.

Obviously, I spoke to DH about it. He swears blind he hasn't cheated.

The nurse told me it can lie dormant for many years, but likely would have caused complications with my fertility or pregnancy which obviously it didn't.

Is it even possible he's had it all this time and I've only just caught it from him?

I think I know the answer. But where do I go from here, when he's so adamant he's never cheated on me.

My head is all over the place, I can't even go to a friend or family right now 😔

For the vast majority of people it won't affect fertility!! I believe that it can affect fertility for 10-20%.

@Babycrackers no I've not 🤔

@Niceoneourkid I contracted HSV1 through oral sex. It reappeared during my pregnancy but never again

Most men don't show symptoms. So he could have had it for years and not known.

Do we not get tested during pregnancy?

Niceineourkid - HPV us not the same thing as HSV - one is a virus that causes warts (human papilloma virus) and the other is a virus that causes cold sores (herpes simplex virus). You can give someone an HSV infection by passing it via your mouth to their genitals, or vice versa, or directly between genitals/mouths. You can also pass human papilloma virus on via oral/genital contact (HPV is, for example, implicated in throat cancers, not just cervical cancer). You cannot, however, give someone warts by infecting them with herpes, only by infecting them with hpv!!! It is, however, thought possible that being infected with both hpv and hsv, you might have a slightly increased risk of cervical cancer, but it’s the hpv that causes the cell changes that can lead to the cancer, not the hsv... so hsv alone will never cause warts, and hov alone will never cause coldsores...

What a shock for you OP.
It isn't helpful but I don't think any of the anecdotes here have anything to do with what your situation is in the respect that he may well have cheated even if it seems half of mumsnet has tales of 'dormant' chlamydia and so on.

It's no more help to you than me weighing in saying my best mate got chlamydia from her cheating boyfriend, who swore blind he hadn't, and that she probably picked it up on a toilet seat . Spoiler alert, she got it off of him seversl times and found out years later he was a cheat.

Conversely my ex pretended to have been to the clinic when we first started dating, to look 'mature'. Hadn't ever been in his life. Thankfully when he actually was made to go he was clear but it goes to show wr have no idea really.

I've never heard of anyone in my own real life having had an STI for years and then suddenly getting symptoms and a positive test that has never been picked up before, for what that's worth.

I would be avoiding sex until a clear test for both of you and then using protection until I had a better picture of how I felt about it and whether he was lying after all.

@baubled I’ve never been tested for it and I have been pregnant seven times (not all successful). It’s not commonplace in many areas and I believe some areas only test under 25s.

HPV is super common, isn’t it something like 80% of us get it at some point but often it will clear up by itself. So we all may as well assume we’ve had it before.
HSV is different, it’s the cold sore one and can be passed between mouth and genitals (if someone with a cold sore went down on you for example) also very common but most people don’t get any symptoms and don’t know they have it.

But that’s besides the point as chlamydia is obviously different. Are there any stats on on percentage of people who will develop PID? Is it possible that some can carry it without it developing?

Lie detector test

Does hsv not cause cancer then? As ive always been a bit worried about that? Sorry to hijack thread op!

@givemeacall no, not at all. As I said previously, he's quite quiet and certainly not a 'lad'. Doesn't mean he can't have though, and he does work away sometimes so the possibility is there without me ever finding out.

The only other thing that bothers me is he has lied before about something quite insignificant, but straight to my face without even batting an eyelid. It's obviously bitten him in the bum, as although I would have never previously suspected him of cheating, I'm now wary of him not being him 100% honest with me

The incubation period is typically 14-21 days for a Chlamydia infection. So, assuming that he's been in lock down with you, then a recent sexual encounter is pretty much ruled out. And it can lie dormant for 20 years, without affecting fertility. Yes, it is possible that he has cheated on you since you've been together, but that would most likely mean that it had been dormant. So if it had laid dormant for a number of months or years, then surely it could have laid dormant from before you met. I don't think that he has automatically cheated. I think that you have to remain open to the possibility that he may be telling the truth.

It is a matter of trust. If that trust is gone, it's gone. Whether he has cheated or not.

Most cheaters keep doing it so get caught out at some point anyway.

At least you have some idea.

He’s never had an sti check, ever? I mean unless you met him when he was a virgin you are a little bit silly for sleeping with him when he’s never been checked. You don’t just go and get checked because your bits are about to fall off.

Maybe he’s been festering for years, maybe he’s been sleeping with someone else, I guess you’ll never know now will you?

I still can’t believe it’s never bothered you that he’s never been tested, so blasé.

I just can't see how he hasn't cheated. How likely is it really that he had the infection all those years ago, slept with you regularly yet never ever passed it on until now? It's almost impossible, surely?

I would be suspecting a sex worker rather than an affair.

Nah hes been cheating lv

As it’s unlikely that he would ever tell you if he had cheated I’d say it’s really up to you if you believe him and carry on.

Quiet men can be just as opportunistic as those who are loud and bolshy if given the chance.
As he works away he has the time, and may well have had the opportunity too, if a woman made a pass at him or he developed a relationship with someone over a period of time.

The bottom line is that you will never know as he didn’t get tested himself when you first got together, so you can only base this on your relationship overall, but you need to be at peace with whatever decision you make for your own mental well-being.

I hope you’re ok and feel better soon.

Folks are misunderstanding dormant. It simply means no symptoms but would however show positive in tests. There is no way the OP has had babies and blood tests and it's not been picked up if she has had jt for years. Sorry I think you need to speak to the consultant at the STI clinic. And those on here saying you can have chlamydia and the baby be fine are talking rubbish too. You just need to do some reading as it can cause a number of complications in pregnancy and it's recommended that woman are screened because you can be symptom free

@DontStandSoClose there's so sexual health / woman's clinic where we live. It's not commonplace to get tested with every new relationship here, regardless of whether it's the best thing to do or not.

mmm... if that was me I'd suspect him of cheating as well. You could have been infected before you met him and it could have been dormant for 10 years and the test you had back then could have been a false negative.

I wouldn't assume that just because he's quiet and you've had no reason to suspect cheating, that nothing has gone on. I'd suspect a possible encounter with a sex worker when he's been working away.

Just want to clarify though,
If it lies dormant, does it then flair up, or if its dormant will it stay dormant? (By dormant I mean without any obvious physical symptoms that people would attribute to it).

As it's two different things whether it A)if its dormant it will stay dormant, or B) if its dormant it has the potential to flair up into physical symptoms.

Because from the comments many people who had it dormant found out later from A) being contacted by ex partners, B) through routine testing, C) through damage being identified later on, but not from its symptoms suddenly becoming painful/physically aware?

I would work back words. Find out how long it takes from getting it to symptoms. How regular is your sex life. If you started showing symptoms at X date, then did you have sex around the time it would be need to passed to you and display symptoms. Then work back from that again and did your DP work away in a reasonable time frame that would account for him coming back, passing it to you and you showing symptoms.

Eg if he last worked away 6 months ago and you have a active sex life, then it's likely it has been dormant for a long time, as it would have had to be dormant for 6 months or so, so could be for years. If the dates match up with him having the opportunity to cheat, him having the infection and being infectious, him passing to you and you developing symptoms, then you need to consider how much you trust him and the probability of that happening due to how active your sex life is (if it's a 1/3 chance of passing it) etc

its not commonplace to get tested with every new relationship here

That’s a pretty poor excuse for not looking after your sexual health.

@champagneandfromage50 My NHS antenatal care didn’t involve any tests for chlamydia. Bloods were done which screened for HIV, syphillis and one or two of the hepatitis strains, but not chlamydia. Not sure if this is the case at all trusts.

You had a test before you got pregnant. He cheated or you did.