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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask about the house? (sensitive)

136 replies

tawnygrisettes · 21/04/2020 12:18

Please help me to decide what to do.

My parents have lived in a small row of houses in a quiet semi-rural area for about 18 years, since we all moved there together as a family when my brother and I were in our teens. My brother and I have both been gone from the house for quite a number of years, however after I fled my abusive ex-husband with our baby about 18 months ago, I moved back to the area with my now 2-year old son, and I now rent a house a couple of villages away.

Last summer, the elderly lady who lived next door to my parents sadly passed away. She had always lived there although we didn't know her very well, she was lovely to speak to but she kept herself to herself IYKWIM. Nothing as far as I'm aware has happened with the house since then - it's still fully furnished etc., although her adult children have been round a few times. But recently I've started thinking how perfect it would be for us. I'm so dependent on my parents right now for support with my son, so we need that physical proximity, and looking to the future, there will come a time when my parents need support too. It's also just a lovely little house with a garden, I really think we'd be happy there as a forever home.

It's not for sale I'm not currently in a position to buy anyway - and won't be for at least a couple of years. And I have no idea what her children would like to do with the house or what stage probate is at or anything. But presumably council tax will be payable on it at some point etc. and it would be beneficial for it to be in use.

Would it be completely unreasonable and insensitive to put a note through the door to reiterate condolences, but also say that I'd be very interested in renting the house if they would ever like to go down that route - potentially with a view to purchasing in the future - and leave my phone number? If not, how would you word it not to sound insensitive?

OP posts:
QueenOfHell669 · 21/04/2020 12:20

Hell no. They may want to live there themselves or give it to their children/another relative or sell immediately. Either way it comes off as acting like a vulture.
Just keep an eye out on rightmove to see if it’s ever for rent/sale. No way would I approach them like this though.

Rebelwithallthecause · 21/04/2020 12:22

I can’t see how it could hurt

If you don’t ask you will never know and the children might be glad to have a way of having the house occupied especially with the uncertainty going on in the market right now

sunshinesupermum · 21/04/2020 12:22

No reason not to ask imo. They can only say no. Good luck.

Shoxfordian · 21/04/2020 12:23

Can you afford market rent for it? I think its ok to leave a note but I'd wait until this corona is done or it could be missed if nobody is in the property

Cocobean30 · 21/04/2020 12:24

The possible benefits of loving there our way any potential offence you could cause (I say that because I don’t think they would be very offended, I disagree with the idea it is ‘vulture’ like to make that offer)

Cocobean30 · 21/04/2020 12:24

*possible benefits of living their outweigh

DogWhelk · 21/04/2020 12:25

I don't see a problem with it, as long as it's sensitively and pragmatically expressed.

However, have you spoken to your parents about you potentially living next door?

Original poster
tawnygrisettes · 21/04/2020 12:26

That's the problem, of course I don't want to be a "vulture", and the last thing I want is to make intrusions on a bereaved family.

But, I also don't want to miss out on a mutually beneficial solution because I was too scared to say something.

OP posts:
Tigerty · 21/04/2020 12:26

No harm in asking. If they’re wondering what to do with the property then they may be very pleased to hear from you especially as your parents live next door. They may say no but then you have your answer rather than wondering what might have been.

Thehop · 21/04/2020 12:26

I think it’s absolutely fine to ask!

sleepyhead · 21/04/2020 12:26

It's not vulture-like at all. Vulture like would be approaching them when the old lady was still there.

They may well have other plans but I can't see why a speculative approach would cause offence. They are free to say no or ignore.

Zilla1 · 21/04/2020 12:26

You or your parents could put a note through beginning a conversation.

express condolences.
ask for contact numbers in case of emergency (suspicious visitors, fire..).
do they need anything doing concerning the house (bins, garden..)
an enquiry might then be informally expressed concerning their plans.

bluebeck · 21/04/2020 12:27

YANBU. If it was a few weeks/months ago I would say you looked a bit opportunistic but it was nearly a year ago.

Go for it - good luck!

artistformerlyknownas · 21/04/2020 12:27

I think the only way I would do this is by asking DPs to talk to them in person next time they see them at the house. Then they can ask a tentative "do you have plans for the house" alongside general condolences, how are yous etc, so it doesn't come across as blunt.

Medievalist · 21/04/2020 12:27

Why ever not?!! Certainly not acting like a vulture as pp said Hmm.

The way things are at the moment they may be delighted by your offer. I can't imagine they would want to sell until the market picks up, so your offer would help them cover running/maintenance costs.

When my mum's bungalow was standing empty after she died, dsis and I would have been delighted to have had an offer like yours. And whilst you don't know them, they will be reassured by the fact that you were neighbours to their mum.

Rebelwithallthecause · 21/04/2020 12:27

Sometimes opportunities fall like this for a reason
Find out if that reason is because you should live there

They can only say no if it’s not in their plan, but I can’t see how they’d want to go through the hassle of selling anytime soon or moving in themselves

MyOtherProfile · 21/04/2020 12:27

She died last summer not last week. It's not acting like a vulture. I would ask gently and just see.

Rebelwithallthecause · 21/04/2020 12:28

Nothing worse than an unoccupied house long term. It would end up being a risk and the cost just to keep it insured is a lot

BernardsarenotalwaysSaints · 21/04/2020 12:29

I think it's ok to ask. I had a note through my Dad's door asking about the house less than a week after he'd died (that was too soon).

Oliversmumsarmy · 21/04/2020 12:31

If the lady has lived there for sometime it might not be in a fit state to live in.

If they were going down the rental route they will probably have to have the house rewired and re plumbed and all the stuff to go with it and they might not want to do that.
OTOH if they sold with the amount of work it probably needs unless you were a cash buyer I don’t think a mortgage company would lend you enough to buy it.

WarmSausageTea · 21/04/2020 12:32

I really don’t see a problem with leaving a suitable worded letter for the house-owners, particularly as you knew (to a small extent) and liked the old lady. The house being empty for 6-9 months suggests they have no plans for the place, and you living there could be beneficial all round.

And I totally disagree with the vultures comment. I’ve seen people swoop in for goodies within a week of a loved one dying. You’d be making a discreet enquiry months later.

Good luck.

BlueLadybird · 21/04/2020 12:33

I agree it’s fine to ask. Make it clear you’re a person looking for a family home so they don’t think it’s a ‘cash for home’ scam.

Something like ‘I’m very sorry to hear of the loss of your mother. My parents live at number X enjoyed chatting to her over the years.

I have recently moved back to the area with my young son and am looking to settle here to be near my parents. If you plan to make your late mother’s available to rent or even purchase in the future I’d be grateful if you could let me know.

Best wishes
Tawny’

Rainbowqueeen · 21/04/2020 12:36

I’d ask
I think a note is fine as it gives them the chance to think about it and not feel on the spot

ColdCottage · 21/04/2020 12:37

Given it's been empty for more than a year I think a sensitive letter would be fine.

WarmSausageTea · 21/04/2020 12:38

I like Blue’s note. Personal and sensitive, but to the point without being pushy.

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