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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask about the house? (sensitive)

136 replies

tawnygrisettes · 21/04/2020 12:18

Please help me to decide what to do.

My parents have lived in a small row of houses in a quiet semi-rural area for about 18 years, since we all moved there together as a family when my brother and I were in our teens. My brother and I have both been gone from the house for quite a number of years, however after I fled my abusive ex-husband with our baby about 18 months ago, I moved back to the area with my now 2-year old son, and I now rent a house a couple of villages away.

Last summer, the elderly lady who lived next door to my parents sadly passed away. She had always lived there although we didn't know her very well, she was lovely to speak to but she kept herself to herself IYKWIM. Nothing as far as I'm aware has happened with the house since then - it's still fully furnished etc., although her adult children have been round a few times. But recently I've started thinking how perfect it would be for us. I'm so dependent on my parents right now for support with my son, so we need that physical proximity, and looking to the future, there will come a time when my parents need support too. It's also just a lovely little house with a garden, I really think we'd be happy there as a forever home.

It's not for sale I'm not currently in a position to buy anyway - and won't be for at least a couple of years. And I have no idea what her children would like to do with the house or what stage probate is at or anything. But presumably council tax will be payable on it at some point etc. and it would be beneficial for it to be in use.

Would it be completely unreasonable and insensitive to put a note through the door to reiterate condolences, but also say that I'd be very interested in renting the house if they would ever like to go down that route - potentially with a view to purchasing in the future - and leave my phone number? If not, how would you word it not to sound insensitive?

OP posts:
Mayra1367 · 21/04/2020 14:06

I think it’s fine to ask . We were in a similar situation with our parents house and had people ask if it was for rent or sale after a few months . I think as the lady died last summer it’ll be fine , good luck .

Greenpop21 · 21/04/2020 14:07

I think it’s absolutely fine. I’d want to know if I could avoid estate agents fees! If they don’t want to sell they’ll let you know or just ignore.

Time40 · 21/04/2020 14:13

OP, I've got a house to sell for this reason. I was just about to put it on the market before lockdown. Now I can't, of course, and it's costing me money. I would be thrilled and relieved if someone presented me with a possible solution. DO IT!

Saucery · 21/04/2020 14:17

They may not want to be landlords with all the responsibilities that entails. I would put a note through to ask about buying, but not about renting, sorry.

Huncamuncaa · 21/04/2020 14:19

Of course you can ask! It doesnt sound like you'll be doing it in an insensitive or vulturish way! It may be a blessed relief for them to have an offer. When people die there's a ton of practical stuff to sort out.

Just bear in mind that they might be prepared to let it for a while but their time frame for selling might be different to yours. But if renting it, if only for a while, would improve your situation then you can only ask!

bez91 · 21/04/2020 14:20

I'd ask, when my grandad passed away. He'd not even been dead 2 days and the woman across the road asked me what it'd be going on the market for because their mum was interested - good job I'm not the sensitive type 😆

If it was last summer definitely ask!

X

OVienna · 21/04/2020 14:21

Totally fine to ask and yes they may well be relieved someone has. Given the time that has passed - not vulturish at all. It does matter how you are planning to phrase it but from the way you phrase the OP, I think you won't have a problem with that.

I am guessing they may be ultimately planning to sell it. I wonder if the passage of time indicates the heirs haven't been able to reach agreement about how to proceed? Assuming they waited for a more 'normalised' time to do so, is it the sort of property you could in principle afford? They (probably) won't want to sell with a sitting tenant. I think this is the main reason they might be reluctant to rent it. They may also not know what to do with the stuff - clearing it out could be painful.

But you are not wrong to ask - just hard to predict the answer but I very much doubt it would be based on some view that you've been 'impertinent.'

NotTheVeryNice · 21/04/2020 14:30

Absolutely do it! I mean- write a letter. If you do, it's 50:50 chance you will get it. When we wanted to live near our family, we leafleted whole neighbourhood and got our house! People were just thinking to it put on the market. No estate agency fees, too.
Do it. Neighbour's children might just be so glad you asked. If they say no, you will be in the same position as now.
Good luck!

SuitedandBooted · 21/04/2020 14:34

It's totally fine to ask - it's not like she died last week!

It would be a huge benefit to you if you could rent it. Just ask politely, pointing out your family connection etc. It has been empty for a while, but that may just be because they are busy etc. Time slips away very quickly. They will have to do something about the Council tax, (you get six months free after probate is granted) and the house insurance - it's harder to insure empty buildings. You might well be the solution to their problems!

When my father died, a nearish (rural) neighbour put a very nice letter through the door a couple of months later. He said he had always liked the house, and would love the chance to bring up his own family there. We weren't remotely offended and sold it to him. He's still there 10 years on Smile

WeAllHaveWings · 21/04/2020 14:39

Can you or your mum accidentally on purpose bump into them the next time they visit and subtly ask how things are/what the plans for the house are.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 21/04/2020 14:42

the vulture comment at the start seems a bit OTT - stopping the relatives to ask on their way to/from the deceased funeral would be vulture like - but you describe as 'last summer' - so around nine months ago at least.
A politely worded note, or phone call would be perfectly in order.

Do they still visit the house to pick up notes? Do you have any other ways of contacting them?

Makeitgoaway · 21/04/2020 14:43

I think it would be quite nice to think of my mum's house being used by someone who wanted to be close to their mum, especially as the arrangement could be mutually beneficial.

If it didn't suit me becuase I had other plans it would be easy to say so, I don't see anything there to take offence at.

Makeitgoaway · 21/04/2020 14:45

FWIW I think the note is nicer than "bumping into them". It avoids putting them on the spot.

PrinnyPree · 21/04/2020 14:48

Yes it's been empty for nearly a year absolutley nothing vulture like at all, as long as it's sensitively put I think it's a really good idea. xxx good luck OP.

Elieza · 21/04/2020 15:03

I think your parents doing the chat or the note through the door would be the best way.

Does your mum not have a number to phone in case of any house problems in case she needs to let them know? Does she have an incline where they stay or anything that would help?

GeraniumJohnsonsBlue · 21/04/2020 15:04

Not at all. Go for it. They might be very grateful for your offer. And it would be easy and save them money in fees if you were in a position to buy it in a year or two.

ScarletAnemone · 21/04/2020 15:17

Our house is in a desirable area and over the years we’ve received a handful of notes like this. We’re not at all offended - if anything it makes us appreciate our house all the more.

A neighbouring house sold this way after the owner died. It made for a very easy sale all round. A friend of mine was waiting for it to go on the market and was kicking herself for ages that someone else got there first.

RoxytheRexy · 21/04/2020 15:18

That’s how we sold my parents house after they died. Someone put a note through the door. We had a very smooth private sale to them

Camphillgirl · 21/04/2020 15:33

I think a nicely worded note such as suggested by BlueLadyBird would be very acceptable.

There are many reasons why the house is empty for so long, maybe family live some distance away, probate taking a long time because there was no will, one family member wants to buy others out and agreement needed all round etc.

Family might be glad of interim tenant who doesn’t have high expectations of the property.

However, you might find on inspection house does not meet your needs (could be no modern kitchen or bathroom or central heating) house might be decorated in old style which you may hate and would be costly to bring up to date. With a small child it might be beyond your energy limits. If you are sure it’s what you want then go for it.

Maybe also check out local housing opportunities. In rural areas there may be a charity that will cater to your need or get on housing list with a housing society or local council. A visit to Parish Clerk or vicar often turns up a little known charity with opportunities for somebody who lives or has lived locally.

AJPTaylor · 21/04/2020 15:36

If you were in a position to buy I would say yes. We sold parent in laws house to next door neighbour who was renting.
However, it sounds messy to rent.

BurtonHouse · 21/04/2020 15:37

If you tell them what you told us - about their mother, you growing up next door etc etc so that they know you're not some property developer or would-be landlord I don't see how they could take offence. They may even be pleased at their mother's old home going to someone who knew her and the house. Go for it.

totallyzonkedout · 21/04/2020 15:37

I would get your dp to ask about plans when they next see visitors maybe with an offer of keeping an eye out.

My late father's neighbours have asked me a few times about my plans for the house I am gradually clearing out. I wasn't offended at all that they asked. The one neighbour puts the bins out for me every week when they are full when I've had a chance for a clear out but can't necessarily make it round early enough on bin day to put them out myself.

The only person I won't speak to is the man who lives opposite who once knocked on the door while I was visiting my father to suggest my dad could move into a care home so he could buy the house.

Lorraine105 · 21/04/2020 15:41

Quite a few years ago a house came up for sale opposite my mum and dad. I was looking to rent not buy but I contacted the sellers and asked if they would consider renting to me and my 2 DC.
They agreed. I lived there for 14 years.
Go for it.

Umnoway · 21/04/2020 15:42

I wouldn’t put a note through the door. I’d be inclined to have your parents ask the children next time they see them. Just something casual like ‘are you planning on renting the house out at some point?’ And see what they come back with.

MerryDeath · 21/04/2020 15:44

it's fine to ask. if they are offended they may not sell it to you, alternatively, if you don't ask, they will also not sell it to you.