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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask about the house? (sensitive)

136 replies

tawnygrisettes · 21/04/2020 12:18

Please help me to decide what to do.

My parents have lived in a small row of houses in a quiet semi-rural area for about 18 years, since we all moved there together as a family when my brother and I were in our teens. My brother and I have both been gone from the house for quite a number of years, however after I fled my abusive ex-husband with our baby about 18 months ago, I moved back to the area with my now 2-year old son, and I now rent a house a couple of villages away.

Last summer, the elderly lady who lived next door to my parents sadly passed away. She had always lived there although we didn't know her very well, she was lovely to speak to but she kept herself to herself IYKWIM. Nothing as far as I'm aware has happened with the house since then - it's still fully furnished etc., although her adult children have been round a few times. But recently I've started thinking how perfect it would be for us. I'm so dependent on my parents right now for support with my son, so we need that physical proximity, and looking to the future, there will come a time when my parents need support too. It's also just a lovely little house with a garden, I really think we'd be happy there as a forever home.

It's not for sale I'm not currently in a position to buy anyway - and won't be for at least a couple of years. And I have no idea what her children would like to do with the house or what stage probate is at or anything. But presumably council tax will be payable on it at some point etc. and it would be beneficial for it to be in use.

Would it be completely unreasonable and insensitive to put a note through the door to reiterate condolences, but also say that I'd be very interested in renting the house if they would ever like to go down that route - potentially with a view to purchasing in the future - and leave my phone number? If not, how would you word it not to sound insensitive?

OP posts:
ThePluckOfTheCoward · 21/04/2020 12:38

When I was dealing with my mother's house after her death I had a couple of enquiries directly to me, one via a letter through the door and the other via phone, they were from adult children of locals who wanted to move back to where they grew up. The enquiries were several weeks after my Mum had died and I was not offended at all and would have been happy to sell to them except I ended up selling my own house and moving into Mums. If you don't ask you don't get and as long as your enquiry is polite I cannot imagine why anyone would be offended especially as It has been several months since the lady has passed.

pigsDOfly · 21/04/2020 12:39

Rather than saying you'd be interested to rent it, word it more asking if they're considering renting it out. I know it's the same thing but asking what their plans are, rather than saying 'I'd like to rent it' probably sounds less pushy.

They might have come to no decision about what to do with it at the moment as everything is so up in the air, and might be interested in the short term if none of them want to live in it themselves.

The problem from their point of view with renting, and I'm speaking as someone who lets out a house and has DCs who will inherit when I die, is that whatever rent they get each month, divided between them is going to be a drop in the ocean, whereas selling it will probably give each of them a nice lump sum. So I wouldn't get your hopes up for a long term let even if they agree now.

0blio · 21/04/2020 12:39

It's not vulture like at all imho, you are offering a practical solution to a possible problem.

You express yourself really well and if you are sensitive with your request I'm sure it won't cause any offence. Good luck.

dottiedodah · 21/04/2020 12:39

Well if you dont ask ,you dont get! I think it would be nice for them to know someone is interested that they know and could trust TBH! Just say"Dear NDN relative .I would be very interested to rent your house if you were thinking of going down this route,Please let me know .I have family here and would be very careful of your home ,No need to worry .I will keep it clean and tidy for you!

Original poster
tawnygrisettes · 21/04/2020 12:40

Thank you for all your responses, this is super helpful. It's such a delicate subject!

I might just build up the confidence some time!

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 21/04/2020 12:41

I can’t see any issue with this at all. I had a neighbour ask to buy my grand mother’s at her funeral. I wasn’t offended as such, more surprised, I understood the woman would not have been able to contact me otherwise. And no I didn’t sell it to her.

A polite note is fine. Go for it.

AlwaysCheddar · 21/04/2020 12:42

I think it’s fine to drop a note through the door but make sure you stress the connection you have that house, that your parents live next door and you lived there and maybe be a bit more sentimental.

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 21/04/2020 12:43

Blues note is excellent. It isn’t vulturish at all. It can’t hurt to ask.

A friends mother died at home and AS THEY WERE REMOVING HER BODY, a neighbour came over and said she’d love to buy the house if it was now going to be up for sale.

That was too soon!

Suchawitch · 21/04/2020 12:43

You're definitely not being a vulture.

I once worked for a Housing Association and one of our tenants was murdered.

The victim lived in a bungalow and bungalows were much sought after. Details of the murder were on the local 6 pm news along with a picture of the bungalow, by 11 am the next morning over 20 people had called in asking to move into the bungalow.

HopeYouStepOnALego · 21/04/2020 12:43

We had someone put a note like this through my FIL door when he passed away early last year. I didn't think of them as being "vultures". If the old lady had passed in the last few months then it might seem soon, but nearly a year isn't so bad. However, if she had lived there 'for ever' then the house may need work doing on it before it could be rented out and the beneficiaries of the house may not want to spend the time/money on renovating it but rather sell at a lower price to reflect any modernisation needed (assuming they want to let it go). Had you ever met the adult DCs?

mogtheexcellent · 21/04/2020 12:44

Its been a year so I dont see a problem with popping a note through the door. Agree with Always, stress your connection with the house.

Cambionome · 21/04/2020 12:44

Absolutely nothing wrong with this at all.

Extraordinary post from QueenofHell. Confused

yelyah22 · 21/04/2020 12:46

We had a couple of people ask what we were planning to do with my grandma's house very shortly after she died as they'd like to buy it - I can't say we were offended, to be honest, we were trying to sort the logistics of it anyway so it was helpful to know there was interest. Definitely ask!

Hagbeth · 21/04/2020 12:50

Absolutely ask and don’t delay otherwise you may miss a great opportunity.

FizzyGreenWater · 21/04/2020 12:52

The timing is everything.

It's been almost a year. The house is now very obviously unoccupied. It's a good idea and one they might welcome.

Genevieva · 21/04/2020 12:52

Sit tight at the moment. Save every penny you can for a deposit and then approach them. They won't be planning to put it on the market or even rent it out for now with everything that is going on. Fingers crossed for you - it sounds ideal.

Genevieva · 21/04/2020 12:55

PS You can't sell a house until after getting probate and that can take a year. 18 months is a long time though. Maybe the plan was to put it on the market this spring and then that went belly up with coronavirus.

We had neighbours who died and the children lived overseas. It was ages before they got round to selling and when the new neighbours moved in the children hadn't removed anything. It was as if the couple still lived there. Very odd. They couldn't be contacted either, so the new owners had a bit of a predicament - with a lorry loaded with all of their stuff. They put it into storage for a bit and then sold it all at auction to cover their additions l costs.

bridgetreilly · 21/04/2020 12:55

I think it's perfectly fine at this point. Especially if you're willing to be flexible, as they may well still be sorting out probate and need to sell it at some stage.

AntiHop · 21/04/2020 12:56

When my mum was ill, her neighbour and an acquaintance both told us they'd like to buy the house if we were planning to sell it. This did not offend me at all. We did tell them, but it didn't work out, and we sold it to someone else.

tishwuw · 21/04/2020 12:57

A relative was in a very similar situation but top and bottom of house split into flats. He didn't ask for the same reason and they sold it to someone else who had asked. He was gutted.

sadie9 · 21/04/2020 12:57

The reality is, if they wanted to rent it they would. It's unlikely that if the house is in probate that it will be rented 'legally' as such.
Because then if the Estate draws an income, that income has to be declared to Revenue etc. It can lead to a whole lot of extra paperwork. They might be open to renting it via a private arrangement. But you could not claim benefits on the rental amount nor declare them as landlords.
I wouldn't 'promise' a house to someone with a view to buying it, when that person couldn't afford to buy it. Because the house is an Asset to be distributed in a Will. The tenant might refuse to move out and with no legal standing, it'd be very very very messy. If I were the Beneficiaries I'd run a mile from that.

Alsohuman · 21/04/2020 12:57

When my parents’ house was standing empty, a note like the one you’re proposing would have been the answer to my prayers. It would have given me the space I needed to decide what to do next. Please do it.

blueshoes · 21/04/2020 12:57

BlueLadybird's note is nicely worded.

Don't ask, you don't get. Worth a go.

ChicCroissant · 21/04/2020 12:58

If it's a year then I'd make tenative enquiries.

I can completely understand the vulture comment though, people who jump in at the first opportunity are generally pushy prats anyway and have the hide of a rhino -ours did when we were in the same position as your parent's neighbours! As a year has passed I think that should be fine, although I do wonder if there is a dispute in the family as to what should happen to the house - they'll have probate by now I would have thought.

Oakmaiden · 21/04/2020 12:58

If the lady has lived there for sometime it might not be in a fit state to live in.

If they were going down the rental route they will probably have to have the house rewired and re plumbed and all the stuff to go with it and they might not want to do that.
OTOH if they sold with the amount of work it probably needs unless you were a cash buyer I don’t think a mortgage company would lend you enough to buy it.

Wow. Talk about making an assumption and running with it.

Alternatively, none of the above might be the case.

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