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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband says he will leave if I get a tattoo

731 replies

Peyton2020 · 18/04/2020 22:03

Hey everyone this is my first time posting here and I’m just looking for a bit of advice.

Me and my husband have been married for 10 years we have a 3 year old together. before we met I already had 3 tattoos on my wrists and ankle

Last night I told him I wanted another tattoo, which he went crazy at saying he would leave if I got another one. He said that they disgust him and that he wouldn’t be able to look at me if I got one.

The tattoo would be on my forearm and it will be roses, a stop clock and my daughters name and birth date.

I really really want the tattoo, but if I get it I risk my marriage. I don’t know what to do

Please help :)

OP posts:
Thread gallery
12
Chiyo666 · 22/04/2020 13:50

He had a choice between me and 4 others. The tattoo put me that bit above the others.

rosiepony · 22/04/2020 14:00

If you really think that, then he was massively unprofessional.

rosiepony · 22/04/2020 14:00

Another trait that doesn’t bode well for the reputation of those with tattoos. You’re proving my point!

Chiyo666 · 22/04/2020 14:06

No you’re proving that you’re an asshole man.
Why do you think you put hobbies and interests on you CV? To separate you from everyone else. My interest just happened to be on my arm this time, although he would have already known I was into music from reading my CV.

BluebellsAndBees · 22/04/2020 14:52

OP I can relate to your dilemma.

As a previous poster mentioned, I too grew up being told only whores and junkies had tattoos and piercings, so obviously I had 2 tattoos and 6 piercings by the time I was 21. My gradmother actually cried when she saw the first one Smile

My DW is not the major fan of tattoos. She knew I had them before we got together but as they are small and discrete, she ignore them. However it never crossed her mind that I would want more tattoos one day. For several reasons including financial priorities I never got around to have more done.

As one of my cousins is now a brilliant tattoo artist, I brought this up a while back and DW was surprised, a bit shocked and asked me not to. She said she fell in love with me as I was, including the tattoos I already had and that I had beautiful skin and she wishes I kept it that way and not add to it. She is very pro natural look which I also always knew.

The difference is that I was not given an ultimatum. And would react poorly to it.
That being said, I would say the best would be to have a calm discussion with your husband and explain why the tattoo is important to you and ask him why he is opposed to it when you already had some to begin with. I understand he says it disgusts him, but I would wonder what else had caused such an outburst as it is an overreaction.

I think people that do not have tattoos will never understand how it will never be "just the one". A friend of mine described it as being almost a sort of addiction.

Yes, your body, your choice but is it really worth it to end a relationship over it (if it is an otherwise happy, loving relationship?). How about a compromise on location or size of your tattoo? For the record I do not have but adore lower arm tatoos both in males and females.

In my case, we have agreed no full arms, no body armour, no face tattoos and smaller discrete designs if/when I have a new one. And yes, it was my body my choice as well, but I was happy to reach a compromise. I would have more issues with DW saying something about my weight than my tattoos tbh.

And to those who say how tacky and chavy and uneducated, I have a higher education degree and HOD in customer facing corporate environment and having piercings or tattoos has never affected my career, jobs prospects and will definitely not prevent my (future) children from having an interest in reading. My body does not reflect my level of educationj nor my literacy, and will most definitely not be a reflection of my children's education. Sadly, stereotypes are everywhere.

rosiepony · 22/04/2020 15:14

I think I like you, Chiyo666

mommalu · 22/04/2020 15:15

Hey I'm a tattooist and this is a REALLY interesting thread.
Everyone is different, my mum hates my tattoos and I imagine loads of random men, but my DH loves them and I love his - god knows how many we've got between us!

OP maybe your husbands strong reaction to tattoos demonstrates bigger differences in your relationship? Or maybe he's just seen the masses of similar tattoos (roses/pocket watches/script) that are really badly done? The black and grey style is really hard to pull off, and with a tattoo in such a prominent place I'd advice researching and, if necessary travelling to, an exceptional artist with a portfolio of work you LOVE. Please don't just take a drawing/photograph into your nearest tattoo shop. Then show your husband what you have in mind, and if he has any ideas? It doesn't have to be as straightforward as "like it or lump it mate!".

There's a worry in the industry that tattoos have become too acceptable, and mainstream - so I'm heartened reading this thread that so many are still outright APPALLED at the idea of getting one Wink

Chiyo666 · 22/04/2020 15:17

@rosiepony Daffodil

Waxonwaxoff0 · 22/04/2020 15:26

@rosiepony I don't think my tattoos are original or creative. I'm not pretentious. I got them because I liked how they looked.

LolaSmiles · 22/04/2020 16:24

mommalu
I don't find large tattoos attractive, but can appreciate the artistry in some of them.

I think there's some tattoos that date terribly and look cheap, and it's very easy to notice them around because they are prominent and terrible.

mommalu · 22/04/2020 16:48

Yeah there's stuff I don't do because it'll age terribly!

amazedmummy · 22/04/2020 17:42

@mommalu I was thinking that while reading these replies. I've known people to feel almost pushed into getting more and more "out there" tattoos because they felt they were becoming too "normal". I'll point them the towards this thread because we're clearly still pariahs.

LadyInParis · 22/04/2020 18:44

@rosiepony

Its not about being original and oh so imaginative 😂 I truly don't think there is anything on this earth that is original anymore. Everything has either been done, or is derivative of something else in some way. Its about seeing something that you as an individual likes, and makes you smile and feel good, and having it. Braids have been around as long as religions have. Pink ones and other coloured braids have been around in one form or another since before I was born. Its really beside the point, and quite odd that you seem to think you know the motive behind peoples choices just because you don't understand it. Those choices may seem juvenile to you and in the case of pink hair, I would agree in the literal sense. But I'm young, I was going to a hot country I wanted my hair out of my face, and I wanted to get colours that make my very young sisters in law smile. Temporarily. Whilst I am young. If you meant it as an insult I'll still laugh with you, because I don't find your comments personally insulting as I didn't get any of my body choices for you and I think you're allowed and welcome to an opinion. I would never take that away from you.

What's not ok is the amount of people like you and others much worse, trying to degrade other peoples body choices and seeing it make people with opposing views to yours appear visibly upset when they reply justifying their choices to everyone here. It really is sad and upsetting to see. It is body shaming. Is it not?

I will in 20 years look back and laugh at myself with pink braids and I will think "oh to be young again!". (In fact I laugh now at pics of my pink hair from that holiday!) And that's fine. My tattoos I got every one of them for very important (to me) reasons that I won't ever regret even when they are all wrinkly and saggy.

What I won't have to ever regret, is looking back and feeling shame for making others feel bad about their opinions and choices. Its ok to laugh about yourself. Even for you and friends to laugh together at bad hair choices you made or even tattoo choices. Its not ok for all the people on here to shame and mock other people. That is never ok.

And I'm glad that in 20 years time I can laugh about my choices, but I will never feel shame for making others feel bad about what they do, or did, with their own bodies, whilst hurting noone. (Except themselves- tattoos bloody hurt! 😊)

LadyInParis · 22/04/2020 19:15

@amazedmummy

@mommalu I was thinking that while reading these replies. I've known people to feel almost pushed into getting more and more "out there" tattoos because they felt they were becoming too "normal". I'll point them the towards this thread because we're clearly still pariahs.

I do kind of agree with this, you're not a pariah 😂 there is some pressure in society today to be more "out there" and to make bold statements. I think the thing is, anyone having tattoos needs to ditch the opinion of anyone and remember that they are the ones stuck with them forever. As an example, I love my tattoos but will only get them in certain places that I alone approve of on my body. This does massively limit what and how many I can have. Because of this I sometimes feel great pressure (of my own making!) To say fuck it, and go along with the current trend of tattoos in really prominent places. But I keep myself from doing what everyone else is doing currently, because I remember and still believe in what I believed before I got even my first tattoo. Which was my personal opinion on where tattoos look nice (on me). And despite knowing I could deviate from that now because many are getting them everywhere, I don't. Because I know there is a very real possibility that I will love the tattoo but hate the placement or size etc in a few years. So I ignore current trends, or what others are doing and stick to what I felt when I first started them. If people are just following trends with permanent tattoos because "everyone else does", that I think is the thing that will perhaps cause them regret. You do have to have a very clear sense of self, and be strong in that, if you're doing things to your body that is permanent and heavily judged more often than not. I do agree with you.

IncorrigibleTitmouse · 22/04/2020 19:23

Both myself and DH are tattooed, but I am heavily tattooed where he only has four.

I was in a relationship before where the man I was with used to say nasty things about the way I dressed, my tattoos etc in public or in front of friends but was totally different in private. He cared so deeply about me fitting in with ‘the WAGS’ (his use, I still cringe to think of it now!) of his friends. That was something I would never have lived up to. I ended it, and his next gf was appropriately ‘Footballer’s Wives’ looking!

You are you, and should be celebrated in all your you-ness by those who truly love you.

mommalu · 22/04/2020 19:26

@LadyInParis

I think you've summed up, what should be, one of the biggest decisions when getting tattooed. Not what design/style, but how heavily tattooed you wish to be, how prominent your tattoos are, and how you wish to be perceived.

LadyInParis · 22/04/2020 19:58

@mommalu

Yes, I'd agree with that. I'd love to post pics of mine but to be honest, I got them for really very personal reasons and I don't feel it necessary to parade them round online, I didn't get them to parade them. I got them for my own reasons, ones that I won't ever regret. I know this and would never have got them otherwise. Tattoos for tattoos sake isn't my thing and although I adore and feel great pride about mine and never shame, at the same time I don't need to "make a statement". They are parts of my life that I want with me always. For me. If someone asks I will show them and explain them (the level of detail I go into depends on the person I'm talking to as all of mine have stories) I guess it depends on the individual though. What's important to me now and always will be, isn't necessarily what is important to others when getting tattoos. Some people love picture tattoos. I don't. Pictures arent important to me, flowers and the like though I can appreciate a good tattoo all the same. Mine are writing. I have a few. The font is the smallest the artist could make it without losing the clarity. They also all face me, every single one. For my eyes. Noone should feel pressure to be tattooed. And everyone has the right to their opinion too. Difference is in the language. I can speak calmly and logically with you because your opinion may differ from mine, and that's ok. But you arent on here calling anyone names and this is where the difference lies here isn't it. That line between "I don't like them and this is why", and "well I think they are disgusting and chavvy etc etc". Or "I will leave you if you get another". Sometimes its really sad to see people getting so many tattoos because "everyone else is" or "its the done thing now". So you see this great influx of over tattooed people who may come to regret it later. Alternatively they may not. Like you said, the biggest decisions. They can't be overlooked. Perception is important. In certain circumstances. I remember joking once with my nan that when she died I'm buggered for tattoo space! She didn't like tattoos but she never seemed to dislike mine, as I said my reasons we're strong and she respected that. Trust me my nan would have piped up if she hated them haha! Anyway I'll never forget her reply. "You'll have to get it on your arse" she said. We did laugh! And when she died, and I was making choices over what to do re tattoo, part of me smiled and jokingly considered it! Which eased my grief for a time. In the end I found space in the same area as my others, same artist same font and font size and style. I know she would love what I got. (Nothing related to the arse story haha!) That's the kind of thing that matters to me. And when I read tattoo bashing, its sad to see. There are ways to say "I don't like them". Then there is outright bullying and shaming. And there's somewhere in between, like me and you. A compromise between two opinions. It shows more about who you are as a person to be able to disagree kindly Flowers

LadyInParis · 22/04/2020 20:00

@IncorrigibleTitmouse

Yes! I agree, what a nice post. I'm sorry you went through that, I feel sorry for the new wag 😂🙈 I cringed even typing that word haha. Glad you found happiness 💜

WikkiTikkiWoo · 22/04/2020 20:05

Please be aware that a stop watch is generally used as a memorial tattoo for someone who has died

LadyInParis · 22/04/2020 20:17

@WikkiTikkiWoo

I didnt know that but it does make sense when you think on it! Crikes. It does seem like it would be a big tattoo. A clock, roses, name, dob. Even the smallest of fonts and flowers, it'll still be fairly large especially on a forearm

LadyInParis · 22/04/2020 20:23

Its a weird situation. The op hasn't explained much by way of background (such as is he usually controlling etc) nor been back. Seems odd and hard to comment now, with the lack of info
I'd generally say your body your choice. But if he's normally not like this, and he's just genuinely freaked out by the idea (there is a huge difference between small wrist and ankle tattoos and what seems to be a fairly large prominent one on the forearm) perhaps there is room for compromise. Making it smaller, or more well chosen area. Without background info its really hard to truly say
He could be a controlling arse. Or he could have been freaked out and said it in a panic. Especially when you look at how many larger picture and colour tattoos can go wrong. I dunno

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 23/04/2020 10:01

You're such a strong and eloquent writer, LadyInParis.

This is always such an incendiary topic because some posters feel that if somebody doesn't like tattoos, that's an indictment of them and nobody should feel that way.

Sonichu · 23/04/2020 13:18

"You will be when you're 64.

If you live that long 🤷‍♀️

SliAnCroix · 23/04/2020 13:50

Yall seen this :-o

Husband says he will leave if I get a tattoo
rayoflightboy · 23/04/2020 14:06

@58LadyInParis there's a tattoo section on here.Go post your tattoos over there.We are a nice respectful lot over there.