Multiple children

[UnaCorda]

I'll probably be accused of being goady for asking this, but I would genuinely like to hear people's thoughts and explanations.

What causes people to decide to have a large family? I mean, assuming it was planned, what did you expect to get out of having four, five or six children - or more - that you didn't get from the first one, two or three? Did it turn out how you imagined?

Obviously this will vary between couples, but do people dispassionately consider the impact on their finances, the available space in their home, demands on their time, the effect on existing children, the toll it takes on your body, and the ramifications for the planet?

Or is it simply a question of procreation being an instinctual drive which, for a lot of people, is too strong to ignore and overrides all practicalities?

Also, if you would have liked to have had a large family but decided against it, what influenced your decision?

Thanks for your thoughts.

I can surmise, but that's not the same as hearing from people who have experienced it.

And I suspect not half as satisfying as essentially inviting people to come hither and insult other women over their choices and trot out the old cliches about welfare, the carbon footprint, etc., etc..

And the tired one about how it will affect the children.

What I don't understand is the posters insisting they don't claim benefits and so their lifestyle and choice of having 4+ children doesn't affect us.

Well it does. You might not claim benefits but that's double, triple or quadruple (for the mother of 8 children) the amount of state resources for school and healthcare your family is using up than the average family. Yet it's only 1 or 2 of you paying taxes into the system per family, so unless:

1. you're very rich and earning in the high six figures / 7 figures annually; or

1. some of your children are privately educated and in private healthcare

you will never pay into the system as much as you take out by having a large family.

I'm from a large family so I heard my mum say the same excuses as many posters here to justify having a large family. That said, it was a lot of fun growing up with siblings close in age and having ready playmates. I was rarely bored. I understand that aspect but don't understand why parents of large families refuse to admit they are a drain on resources.

Case in point. ^

@mathanxiety please enlighten me as to what point I have proved?

I think some secretly want a daughter/son and keep trying for one.

@mathanxiety

Ok re-reading my post, drain on resources is very harsh. I shouldn't have said that. I think I'm a bit bitter because while it was fun having lots of siblings, I feel like I missed out on a normal relationship with my parents due to the competition for time. I also feel a duty not to be poor and not to take out more than I put into the system.

I guess another way of looking at it though is that if the children of large families turn out ok, they will put into the system again and pay taxes (more than a 2 child family), so maybe it all evens out eventually.

of all the adults I know who came from larger families the majority view is that they never felt like individuals because their parents were so busy with the other kids.

I can well believe that for some the relationship with their parents can be diluted by less one-on-one time, but the flipside is that IME only children and those from smaller families are much likelier to be spoilt/entitled and exhibit these traits as they grow older.

That this thread is an open invitation to posters with a chip on their shoulders about large families to insult other women, @nestisflown.

Nobody feeling smug about their 2.3 children knows yet how much they will end up needing NHS services over the course of their lives, or how much their neighbour's children will end up paying in taxes to support everyone else.

X post - that will teach me to go get a cuppa half way through typing.

@mathanxiety no need to apologise - you were absolutely right, and I readily took the bait. I shouldnt have been so quick to spout judgment and criticism at large families.

Personally I can’t see the appeal of more than 2

I came from a larger family and hated it

I’ve seen my SIL struggle with 3 and it looks like really hard work

Then even if I wanted more than 2, I don’t want to be pregnant in my 40’s so it rules out any more than me

This is all before financial reasons kick in

In my upbringing, we were about my dad’s vanity. He thought his children would be more worthwhile than those of others.

He wasn’t very interested in us - neither of them were particularly engaged with us as individuals. It was about how we reflected them. I also think the large number (in our case, 5) was to push a distance between us as people and them. We were a mob, a bunch. No time to tend to us as individuals. We were encouraged to compete with each other and are now not what I would consider close.

They (mainly my dad) regularly chastised us for being expensive to have and for causing disruptions to the house. My mum was tired all the time. I only ever remember her as being tired. There was a lot of guilt bandied about. We made her tired.

I resent their bringing us into the world then resenting us for being noisy, not carbon copies of them and expensive.

I’m sure this isn’t the case for most other large families.

I am from a big family and one of my sisters has followed that pattern. The rest of us have either no children or 1 or 2.

My dsis who has multiple children is a single parent who constantly complains about her children and her life.

I hated being a part of a big family. We were always poor and our parents never had time for us. When I look at families like the Radfords I feel so sorry for the children.

I live in the Middle East where very large families are common. Having only 2 children with a small gap, I find it fascinating that local women have babies over 20-25 years, often becoming grandparents when they still have small children.
And these women work. One of my colleagues had 5 children in the eight years we worked together. 40 days maternity only.

I have 11. I'm a Roman Catholic.
I would have had more, but nature went against me unfortunately.
Mine are all adults now, most with their own families.
None of them got left out with attention and we are a close family.
I'm from a large family myself and I certainly never felt left out or lacking in attention from my parents.
Nor have we ever claimed benefits, with the exception of family allowance, which back then wasn't means tested and every parent was entitled to it.

Are you a journalist?

, I wondered that too *@Ineedabreak19 and really hope not .

I have 4 dc.

Was happy and settled with 2 and DH booked in for is op. Two weeks before his op I found out I was pregnant and later that it was twins. So instant large family we did not plan on.

It was a shock going from 2 to 4 but we are a happy family and would not change a thing.

Someone above asked about what happens if your fourth or fifth child is disabled, I know a couple whose first child was severely disabled and they then chose to have a larger family than they originally intended precisely because they wanted their children to have a support network but also to have a more normal life. Being the 'normal' child of a disabled sibling must be very difficult, if you have other siblings to share that with it dilutes everything.

Personally, I never understand the 'but you get less attention' viewpoint. I'd rather have the friendship of my 3 siblings than be the sole focus of my parent's attention (and my 3 seem to share that view, they are a little gang together and only need us for food and cuddles, not entertainment). My Mum (an only) said it was very hard having to fulfill all her parent's hopes and ambitions whereas in a larger family you have more space to be your own person.

I only have 1, but I grew up as 1 of 5.

Its cultural. My parents are religious and in my dads cou try it's the norm to have many children.

I'm glad I have 4 other siblings for support if I need it. If I became homeless, they'd do anything to keep me off the streets. Same can't be said about friends.

And the expense? Well we have a welfare system. I know many other big families where the children are successful tax payers, so you cant really bring in the scroungers argument.

being poor and lack of parental attention can be the case in small families too

@SunshineCake it's the way the questions were structured that set alarm bells ringing. I think people should be wary about giving personal information out because we don't know how it's going to be used.

I'm an only child and have just one too. I grew up catholic do had many friends who were from large families and never once felt envious of them with siblings.
Their homes were chaotic, constant arguments, mess, they never had much always seemed to be in hand me downs. Don't ever remember them ever having family holidays either. None of them seem to have a particularly amazing sibling bond as adults either.
Oh and always babysitting the younger ones, my mum is the eldest of a big family and it always iterated her when I was a teenager that my mates always seemed to have a toddler with them.

I was one of six and I have five of my own. Mine are grown up now but I loved having a brood round me and still my favourite moments are when they all come home. I found having a large family easy, it wasn't noisy or chaotic but I had seen what worked for dm I suppose. Of my siblings one has two step children, one has one child (dw's choice (only child) brother would have liked one more), two have three children and one has four.
My own parents had both had one sibling who had died as teens so think the motivation for a large family probably came from that. My parents were wealthy and so life in a big family with enough money for everything we wanted and the funds to pay for cleaners and gardeners and any other help to free up parents time seemed idyllic I suppose.

My friend as a teen was one of seven with no spare money and not even enough for what I'd have called the essentials and her life seemed incredibly difficult. Of her siblings three had no children, two had an only child, one had two and the eldest had three.
I suppose to a large extent we aim to either recreate the positive experiences we had as a child or actively avoid having the same if our experiences were negative