Multiple children

[UnaCorda]

I'll probably be accused of being goady for asking this, but I would genuinely like to hear people's thoughts and explanations.

What causes people to decide to have a large family? I mean, assuming it was planned, what did you expect to get out of having four, five or six children - or more - that you didn't get from the first one, two or three? Did it turn out how you imagined?

Obviously this will vary between couples, but do people dispassionately consider the impact on their finances, the available space in their home, demands on their time, the effect on existing children, the toll it takes on your body, and the ramifications for the planet?

Or is it simply a question of procreation being an instinctual drive which, for a lot of people, is too strong to ignore and overrides all practicalities?

Also, if you would have liked to have had a large family but decided against it, what influenced your decision?

Thanks for your thoughts.

@PlanDeRaccordement, the argument is not to have no children and let the species die out, but to consider having only one or two if you live in the developed world where an individual’s carbon footprint is so much bigger.

I don’t agree children should not be added to your individual carbon footprint tally. It would be divided of course between 2 people as takes 2 to create a child. Of course your carbon footprint would be bigger than if you had none. However, if as an individual you want to mindful of reducing your carbon footprint having less children will have the biggest impact. This doesn’t preclude also considering other ways to reduce your carbon footprint even further by reducing air travel, amount of meat in the diet etc

Alongside this we also need to show our governments we want them to reduce our industries reliance on fossil fuels, the biggest contributor to carbon emissions and won’t vote them in if they are not committed to switching to low carbon emitting energy sources. Per capita the US has the largest carbon footprint and they and China need the most to do this.

I have less children than I would have had if my husband had not not had a desire to to have them with other people 😂 but seriously my huge biological urge negated my sensible head as to whether I had enough income or space. Once my marriage disintegrated I made a very conscious choice not to have anymore with subsequent partners. It was a need in me and in some ways I am so sad I didn't have more even though I now know it would have been the wrong thing for me.

One major factor for us is that fiancé has always wanted to be a bio dad. He'd been married before me but his wife sadly couldn't have children. It wasn't the reason for his divorce, however.
When he met me three years ago he was pleased I had two boys because at least he'd be a stepdad (half of the time, ex-husband has them other half). He'd resigned himself to the fact he probably wouldn't have a baby of his own. He's now 44 and I'm 39 and my kids are already nearly 10 and 12.5.
I'm currently 34 weeks' pregnant with a little girl! His first baby, last baby for both of us

Oh, and just for the record, I am paying for private antenatal and postnatal health care!!

I know someone who is currently pregnant with her 7th. I suspect she has an addiction to babies and children, manifesting from her own abusive childhood. She didn’t have a happy upbringing, so is trying to negate that.

She bleats on about how expensive life is, and how poor they are. Can’t afford holidays or anything. Instead they bleed the benefit system and don’t give back much at all (he works, but isn’t a high earner).

They are mostly very happy though so good luck to them.

but when people are planning later children do they take into consideration if the child were to be disabled and the impact that might have on the lives of the children they already have?

On MN, none. It's all 'go for it' and everyone's had 3+ in their 40s and it's all been fabulous.

I would have loved to have had a large family but practically I wouldn't have been able to give them a good life. I have craved having another pregnancy and baby but know it would not be a good idea.

I think it's no coincidence a lot of celebs (the Beckhams, Ramsays, Olivers and Kardashians for example) because they don't have the financial or practical barriers to having a large family that more ordinary people have.

I have four and two step children. The reasons for having a large family were mainly I loved the idea of them always having someone to play with and to support each other.
A bit idealistic I know but it probably stems from my own childhood. I'm an only child

I am one of four and just have one child (prob the opposite of idealistic).

I'm one of 9, dh is one of 7. We have 3 dc . I would love to have one more but dh has absolutely drawn the line at number 3.

I'm also a sahm and two of them are in full time school (well, usually !), with one toddler at home. We have a 5 bedroom house so plenty of space etc etc. I'm 35 so I don't think I'm that old ?! But dh really needed convincing even for dc3 so I don't think it's going to happen.

But going back to the point op made about what do people get out of number 4/5/6 that they didn't from 1/2/3... I think it's the wrong way of looking at it . The way I think of it is that each child is so unique and adds their own amazing qualities to the family. They bring their own love, cuddles, giggles , sense of humour and talents. Yes it's more physical work but that's a stage in itself. If I compare my 11 year old to my two year old for example, yes my 2 year old needs a lot of physical energy and can drain me out but my 11 year old makes me cups of tea and tidies up amazingly well. I can definitely say she helps me and makes my life easier. Also, just having my 3 dc around the house during the lockdown makes me so so so grateful that my home , My life and my heart are full of people to talk to, to cook with, to make silly videos with, to watch movies with and to never ever feel lonely around !

I have never been more grateful for my dc than I have during this lockdown. It's made me appreciate and value the meaning of family and my role as a parent.

Gulyan,
We will have to agree to disagree on the carbon footprint.
I feel it shames parents and demotivates is to do other things to reduce carbon footprints.
I also feel it gives the childfree a false sense of superiority such that they have excess carbon allowance by not having a child so as to justify round the world cruises, flying to Bali or New Zealand, owning two cars, eating takeaways etc.

Im the eldest of 5 siblings.
I mostly enjoyed it growing up and am quite close to 3 out of 4 of my siblings now.
Its nice to have ready made friends, we all still help each other out and are loyal to each other which is nice.
Being pragmatic and realistic my mum could have been a better mother to the first 2 if the others hadn't come along, not that i would be without them, but time, space and resources were scarce sometimes and relationships have not always been great.
Really if she had put us first over her wants and relationships with men the others wouldn't be here.
Like I say i wouldn't be without them and dont know and cant imagine what that would be like.
Ive only got one, would have loved another but life doesnt always turn out how you want it.

@peppermintcapsules Whilst risks of certain disabilities and conditions are raised in older mums, having a baby in your 20's or 30's certainly does not guarantee a healthy baby.

I suffered from recurrent miscarriage during my first marriage - I was in my early to mid 20's. Explanation was that babies probably had genetic abnormalities.of some description. I could conceive relatively easily, but couldn't carry due to this. Eventually had two children but it was quite a struggle and second son was born with hearing impairment due to ABO Incompatibility.

Now 34 weeks' pregnant with fiancé and (touch wood) it's been a low risk pregnancy on every level with no issues whatsoever.

I'm 39.

We have a finite environment—the planet. Anyone who thinks that you can have infinite growth in a finite environment is either a madman or an economist.
David Attenborough

Interesting question, OP. I'd be curious to know how many of the large families mentioned on this post claim benefits. I mention this because I think that money is such a huge part of this decision. Maybe some people stop at 1 or 2 because they feel they should be able to financially support children without benefits, others are happy to use benefits as a way to fund their larger families and others are high income families and can afford it.

But going back to the point op made about what do people get out of number 4/5/6 that they didn't from 1/2/3... I think it's the wrong way of looking at it . The way I think of it is that each child is so unique and adds their own amazing qualities to the family

Well said fogginghell
It's not what I get out of my children, it's that they are all really awesome little people. My fourth isn't interchangeable with my first!

Why dh and I wanted a big family? Lots of selfish reasons, we love our babies, we love watching them grow, we love seeing their personalities, we love working together as a family. For me personally, I wanted a stable family that I never had - dh didn't have that problem as his family is all quite close.
Unfortunately it wasn't easy to have these 4, we had trouble conceiving and a couple of 2nd trimester losses.

I liked the baby/toddler years, hard stuff and all. I felt like I was finally getting something right. Now they're older it is physically easier and it's just... lovely. They're lovely people and we have a great time together.

Oh, and we aren't in the UK so your nhs is safe from us. We have a nice house, plenty of land, kids do activities. We made some choices to build our lives this way (and our carbon footprint is smaller than you'd assume). Don't fret on their accounts, they have quite a charmed life.

I only have two children because a) can't comfortably afford more b) DH only wants two. But in my fantasy world id have had 4 - I love having children, love the buzz round the house, love the idea of them having each other. I totally get why people do it.

We don't claim benefits.

My husband and I have 6 children and another on the way. We have been married for over twenty years, have a stable home, we both run our own businesses which fit around our family.

I was an only child and absolutely hated it, I always wanted a large family. I absolutely love our family, it can be chaos at times but there is so much fun, laughter and love it makes any hard times worth it.

My children also understand they are part of a large family and we are all a team who work together.

I wouldn't change a thing. I think we are beyond lucky to have the family we have.

My Mum was an only child (not her parent's choice, they lost a baby before her). She hated being an only and so she had 4DC. We grew up on a farm and had lots of space and plenty of money. It wasn't particularly unusual to be from a family of 4 and I knew a few families of 5 or 6. I love being one of 4.

I've had 3DC, we earn well above average and have a good sized house, and family friendly jobs (both work PT and have short commutes so do 9/10 school runs a week). We wanted the chaos of 3 children and would never have chosen to just have 2, having grown up with 3 siblings the idea of only having 1 is a bit freaky. At school it is as common to be a family of 3 as a family of 2 and there are probably more families of 4 than onlies. Naice MC school in leafy area.

I would say life would be much better if lots of abusive parents hadn't had kids at all rather than people with small families criticise people with 4 children for having so many kids. Plus we had our 3 kids late which is much better for the environment than having the regulation two children in your 20s.

This is a really interesting thread, thanks OP.
Fascinating to see the complete misunderstanding about benefits v how many children v over population.

Wow where do these families think the tax comes from.? Plus the growlers. Really?

I have four.... I had four under five in fact.
I like children, I enjoyed my years at home full time with them, no we didn't have flash cars or holidays abroad, and we still don't but I grew up an only child until I was 16 and was often lonely.
My body was trashed (hysterectomy at 35 but has recovered), and the sheer joy of having four who love each other, are THERE for each other and have this unique bond ... makes it worth being short of sleep in the early years, short of money. Never short on affection, or time.

Mine are now all adults, aged 23-28. Youngest is disabled, but I know that whatever happens he will be ok because his siblings will ensure he is ok...
Mine have turned out just fine by societies standards.. a doctor, a nurse, a musician, even DS2 has a little job though he needs support in daily life; they did clubs and hobbies and didn't miss out because of being a larger family. They did have to share bedrooms tho :)
They are all totally different personalities, and that the WHY... I loved creating new individuals, and genuinely don't feel that I have damaged the planet more than a family of two kids with a chelsea tractor and two holidays abroad a year...

I always wanted a large family and the reality has turned out even better than I expected. My children are a fantastic team, very supportive of each other and a lot of fun to be around.
No benefits claimed either by us or them so far.

Always the same comment from most individuals... "why the big family?" "Don't you have a TV in your house?" "You're selfish!"

I have 6 DCs - one set of twins aged 5 ( youngest ) and definitely no more.
We work and we work hard - XDH ( No, having so many DCs didn't break us, we just fell out of love ) had a good career from a young age, and I had a family business I was lucky to be a part of, financially we manage - went on family holidays albeit in the UK and Europe rather than further afield, had a home we extended that gave us adequate room, but most of all we have fun and love.

3 of them are teenagers, with the eldest about to go to University. We have hopefully raised hard-working, determined children.

The sense of unity amongst them all with the shared memories, the silly nicknames, the banter and friendship is a joy to see.

OP you have every right to wonder what it's like or the reasons behind it.
Honestly, I can't ever imagine it being any other way.

I'm a tough cookie, they don't run rings around me - although you learn to "pick your battles".
Would I have had 6 DCs if our situation had been different ie: Financially. No!

I'm pretty confident that none of them are damaged, traumatised, emotionally or mentally unstable due to coming from a large family - Consistency is hard to keep but, the one thing that any parent needs to be is consistent.

No benefits claimed either by us or them so far. Not even child benefit?

TBH while I know that having any child is a selfish desire, I can’t help thinking that having a large family takes very little account of how it is going to affect the children.

It simply isn’t possible to give the amount of attention to several children as it is to just a couple, and of all the adults I know who came from larger families the majority view is that they never felt like individuals because their parents were so busy with the other kids.

And what of e.g. the radfords? Perhaps an extreme example but they are regularly criticised on here because in truth she tends to have children only for the baby stage and the older ones are expected to bring up the younger ones. That is no existence for a child.