Multiple children

[UnaCorda]

I'll probably be accused of being goady for asking this, but I would genuinely like to hear people's thoughts and explanations.

What causes people to decide to have a large family? I mean, assuming it was planned, what did you expect to get out of having four, five or six children - or more - that you didn't get from the first one, two or three? Did it turn out how you imagined?

Obviously this will vary between couples, but do people dispassionately consider the impact on their finances, the available space in their home, demands on their time, the effect on existing children, the toll it takes on your body, and the ramifications for the planet?

Or is it simply a question of procreation being an instinctual drive which, for a lot of people, is too strong to ignore and overrides all practicalities?

Also, if you would have liked to have had a large family but decided against it, what influenced your decision?

Thanks for your thoughts.

"Having multiple siblings must be lovely not just in childhood but throughout life"

Very naive comment.

I think there are 3 main reasons:

1. financially well off, have a live-in nanny, mum can enjoy motherhood without all the stress of school runs etc.
2. accidentally! Eg they only wanted 2 but the 2nd is twins or triplets! Or repeated contraception failures in some cases.
3. Mums who work full time but have 4 or 5 close together so they can take mat leaves with only a few months back at work in between. Then have a job to return to when the youngest goes to nursery.

And I’m sure there are many people who love babies and crave babies so much they decide to have another even when financial situation/housing etc isn’t ideal!

Why do some have none? Because they want to??

In my case, it wasn't so much wanting to have no kids as not wanting to have any!

I accept that I'm weird though. I'm not keen on babies, although I like older kids if they're interesting and positively enjoy the companyh of teenagers. I also find the idea of something growing inside me really icky, and the thought of popping a 7lb being out of my vaj bloody terrifying.

“How do parents of large families get through the teenage years stress free?”

Lol not possible whether you have one teen or more. I will say that I had three teens at once with my four. Teens are stressful there is no avoiding that. But older siblings can also be a great support and role model to younger siblings. No, you don’t stop worry because you have more- you worry about all of them. Saying that is implying we love our children less.

“Quiet astonishing. hmm”

Koshkatt, did you see the UN world population projection link I posted? It says that there is 95% certainty the world population will peak and stabilise around the turn if century 2100 and a further 27% probability world population will be decreasing by then.
The growth rate has halved since the 1950s from over 2% to the current 1%. As countries develop and women have access to contraception, birth rates have fallen. There is no reason to think this trend would not continue for next eight years. That would put world population growth at zero or even a negative %.

*eighty not eight years.

I was the elder of two; a perfect family, one girl, one boy, 2 years apart. Brother was the Golden Child. I spent my childhood feeling that with two children you have a Favourite and an Unfavourite. DM expected me to look after DB, then I got into trouble when he wouldn't behave. There were issues in my teens and young adulthood when I wished there had been a third sibling to help, when DB was a total shit.

DM was also the elder sister of a Golden Child, yet repeated the pattern with us. DF was the eldest of 3 and didn't seem to have any issues. Neither of them had time for me in my teens and young adulthood; they were firmly fixated on themselves and their own hobbies.

I should have had counselling before I had my children but it wasn't available. I was determined not to repeat my upbringing. I planned to have just one child, but when she was born I realised that I was too anxious to have just one. I realised I would expect too much from her (DF was a perfectionist) and put too much pressure on her, so we decided to have 3.

DC2 was a boy, so now we had the same pattern as my family. Girl, boy, 2 years apart. Worst possible combination. Again, no counselling, which would have been the best option. Had DC3.

DC4 wasn't planned. I'd gone back to work, house wasn't big enough, car not big enough. No affordable 7 seaters in those days. We didn't claim benefits, but both worked around them. We were lucky that FIL retired and helped us out with childcare because we couldn't afford more than playgroup, but in the main we worked shifts around each other so we didn't need formal childcare. At no time did we ever expect the older ones to bring up the younger. There were less than 6 years between the 4 of them.

They are now adults. All working, none on benefits. They are genuinely close and have a relationship independent of us. DD moved away as soon as she was able, and doesn't want DC, so I probably made as many mistakes as my DPs did. But then my niece, raised as an only and very close to her DM, doesn't want DC either.

We have 2 DGC and I feel it's unlikely there will be (m)any more. DGC are a girl/boy pair, and the birth of the boy triggered my MH issues. Their DF feels he had a good childhood and that he had good parents who were always there for him, so I did something right.

People will do what they feel is right for them, until a future government decides to intervene and decree who can have children and how many. It really is nobody else's business, unless you are expecting somebody else to directly pay for your choice. (I don't mean NHS/schools, since none of us knows what is coming).

@Autumnsloth a lot of China's pollution belongs to us too; they are manufacturing our goods.

I would love to know if the people here so vocal in their opposition to large families would say this out loud to the parents of large families? Or does hiding behind a keyboard help?

I have never had any negative comments in real life, only online, and I am curious about this.

Half the reason China's pollution is so high is because we in the West buy so many clothes and plastic crap from them.

@StillCounting123
How many children do you have ?
A few of my friends have a quite a few children and have definitely received stares or been asked if “ all of them are theres” or if they all have the same father. One friend even had a woman rant to her about overpopulation.

Depending on how many kids you have, I’m more than sure there have been negative comments/thoughts directed your way by passerbys/ teachers etc.

One thing I only recently realised about myself was that I want a small family because I definitely DON'T want a huge extended family of partners and grandchildren.

The bit of parenthood I really look forward to is seeing my kids become interesting adults. But even the best adults bring wildcards into your life.

My sister has married a right bore, and my best friend's other friends are insufferable. The more kids I have, the more I'd risk adding random arseholes to my life, and I'm just not enough of a smushy people person to handle that

I think it's really interesting to hear other people's experiences in both directions, as it helps clarify and understand your own.

Considering what we now know about the climate, It's extremely irresponsible and selfish to have more than two children. I think that as time goes on, it will become more and more socially unacceptable to have large families, and rightly so imo.

I loved creating new individuals, and genuinely don't feel that I have damaged the planet more than a family of two kids with a chelsea tractor and two holidays abroad a year...

That's all very well, but you can't judge environmental impact by how you feel...

I have four. I only intended to have three but had twins. From looking at people I know, two looks like the perfect number - but I what it is like to have just 3 so can’t compete!

I constantly feel worried about giving them enough attention but wouldn’t change it. I love watching the different relationships they have formed with each other and how supportive they are to one another. When they are not squabbling that is.

I was an only child, and a lonely one. All family far away so just the three of us in b Christmas Day.

I always dreamed of big family dinners, with adult children bringing their partners and grandchildren - and all the chaos that goes with that.

Also, when my granny was dying, her two siblings sat by her hospital bed until she was gone. I want mine to have support from each other when we are no longer here. With more children I suppose there is more chance of them forming a close bond with at least one other.

A lot of this is coloured by my own childhood though, I am sure there are lots of only children out there who love the family set up.

*don’t know what it is like to have 3

I have 2 and am happy. No way would I have more. 1 of 7 and hated it. My 2 are close in age so will get toddler years done in one go. Hated being pregnant and emotionally couldn't cope with more than 2. I love my toddlers but I get no time to myself and I crave it.

fuckinghellthisshit

I am from one - really big, so big I won't say how many siblings as it could out me! More than 10, put it that way.
In my case my DM and F were addicted to babies. Totally addicted, couldn't stop, even when told to by a Dr.

This explains why certain threads get deleted on here...

@PlanDeRaccordement

"We will have to agree to disagree on the carbon footprint.
I feel it shames parents and demotivates is to do other things to reduce carbon footprints. I also feel it gives the childfree a false sense of superiority such that they have excess carbon allowance by not having a child so as to justify round the world cruises, flying to Bali or New Zealand, owning two cars, eating takeaways etc."

I don't think it should be added on to the parents' footprint. But they do need to get their own footprint in order first, and very few westerners have sustainable footprints. Those childfree also need to have a sustainable footprint, which they don't if they're doing those things.

Even when they have done that, it isn't fair to have more than two per (western) couple (obviously for blended families you'd have to compare all the adults and children involved) because the third etc are additional to the carbon footprints of the first two children who are just replacing their parents.

And seeing as the planet could do with immediate action, one would be better. That still allows women to reproduce and breastfeed, which are important for female health. I don't agree with mandating it though, like China.

I know not everyone has a choice about it, but in equal relationships, I would hope people would make a decision that doesn't unfairly impact others. Otherwise it's just survival of the fittest, and apparently the fittest are those whose ancestors already oppressed and exploited others to get into this privileged position in the first place, and haven't changed much.

I grieved the second child I will never have. And now I'm OK with it. Some people don't allow themselves to feel that; they are uncomfortable with negative emotions, so just have another when they feel the urge.

I am not religious, though I do understand the motivation for some Jews to have large families, as they consider themselves to be replacing the six million who were murdered in the Holocaust. But maybe they could replace them later, when the planet can stand it.

I would have liked to have had more but circumstances didn’t allow it.
I think having more than 10 children against doctors advice is awful.
Because it is obviously going to impact the mother physically.

Fantasiaa I have 5.

Also certain communities encourage women to “outbreed the opposition” and use women as political tools/ baby machines to skew political demographics.
Which I find awful and destructive to female autonomy. This happened in Northern Ireland and many other conflict zones.

I have eight siblings but they are from two sets of second marriages as well, so they were not all from the same parents.
I think this is increasingly common, and not necessarily a bad thing.
We all get on well and I like them all.

"That still allows women to reproduce and breastfeed, which are important for female health."

I'm not sure this makes sense. When you consider the side effects of pregnancy and childbirth, I don't think having children is something a woman should do for her healthy only.
I think having a child and breastfeeding gives some protection against breast cancer, but only if you have the child before the age of 30, is that right?
I don't think the female health argument makes much sense.

Considering what we now know about the climate, It's extremely irresponsible and selfish to have more than two children. I think that as time goes on, it will become more and more socially unacceptable to have large families, and rightly so imo

I think the new benefit rules of only paying for two children will make a difference as well hopefully. People will have to think about finances which many don’t let alone think of carbon impact etc.