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Original poster

Found husbands secret phone

616 replies

Sandpaperkisses357 · 17/04/2020 19:09

I have, a few days ago, found a phone I never knew my husband had..(I never usually would go through his phone but I just got a horrible feeling)and on it are texts from one of his female friends, one of which was asking him to send her money, 100 or 150 if possible as things are hard for her and family can't help.. next msg, her asking again and saying she will pay back the 1000?! He already sent last month When she gets bk on her feet WTF?! Another msg, burn after u read this ..
I am fuming to say the least .. how do I approach this ..
That money could have gone on the family, maybe for a holiday, which we've had one of in our 10 yrs together or get me my driving lessons he keeps putting off as " we can't afford it" but not just on some other woman.
Now I'm questioning our whole lives together and wondering is he having an affair?
We have 5 kids together, and can't just leave so easily..feeling so depressed about it all .. and even harder in the current circumstances too.
Totally heartbroken Sad

OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 18/04/2020 09:56

@lmcneil003, Thank God for post! I agree that it is all a big game for posters here who go back to their nice and comfy life when they log off.

Regardless of the situation, it is not good because he is hiding this relationship from you BUT, there is a difference between someone he might consider like a younger sister and feels drown to help and still blown affair and love child.

There is also a big difference between loaning money that might very well be repaid and gifting it.

You need to speak to him OP. Don't throw accusation at him, don't scream and shout, just be assertive, say that you've found the phone because he left it out, that it is only natural that you'd question what it was doing there and be concerned that he is either giving or loaning money to a woman and feeling the need to have another phone to be in contact with her. Don't let him fob you off.

Don't make any decision until everything is exposed.

Mittens030869 · 18/04/2020 10:11

Whatever the truth here, the OP's DH has been paying money to this woman on the sly. That isn't good whatever the reason might be. You found that he's keeping a phone secret from you, and paying out money you don't know about, so you should ask your DH about it. He'll have no legitimate reason to complain about you invading his privacy; he's keeping a very big secret from you and you have every right to be concerned about that and ask for an explanation.

dontdisturbmenow · 18/04/2020 10:14

OP said that one of the texts said she'd pay back the £1000 so whether she did or not it was clearly intending to be a loan. Quite different to her posting saying thank you for giving her £1000 that will pay for a cot and high chair for her baby!

Mittens030869 · 18/04/2020 10:21

Loans don't always get paid back, though, so he should have spoken to the OP about it. I'm speaking from bitter experience here; I loaned a large sum of money to my ex best friend, which was never paid back. If I hadn't discussed it with my DH, he would have been understandably upset about it.

Redwinestillfine · 18/04/2020 10:22

If you can, photograph the messages on your phone, out the phone back and monitor it. Try and get copies of bank statements bank account numbers etc. There will be a lot of people on here who have y through this and know what to do. If you can sit tight and get your head around this and plan your exit, or his exit- you shouldn't necessarily have to move out. When you have a plan and are all set then talk to him calmly. You won't then make a g decisions because of panic or because you're worried about how to support yourself etc . That will all be worked out. Sorry this is happening op Flowers

lmcneil003 · 18/04/2020 10:36

@Mittens030869
Whatever the truth here, the OP's DH has been paying money to this woman on the sly.That isn't good whatever the reason might be

Agree 100000%
However, the number of posters who goading the OP to kick her OH out before the facts have been established is sickening.

midnightstar66 · 18/04/2020 10:46

Obviously it's all very suspicious but if it was a love child or even an affair surely he'd have given the money not provided her with a loan?

CalleighDoodle · 18/04/2020 11:36

Obviously it's all very suspicious but if it was a love child or even an affair surely he'd have given the money not provided her with a loan?

Thats what my dh said, but as we know father’s don't always want to pay for their children. Some fathers think that maintenance is manicure money.

Original poster
Sandpaperkisses357 · 18/04/2020 12:01

Yea I don't think he has a secret child.. an affair seems more likely. I will be doing what I can whilst in lockdown, gathering as much info as possible. I am not going to rush this, no matter how much its hurting I believe going all guns blazing will not get me very far so I will bide my time.

My sincere appreciation to you all for your advice, thank you.
I searched everywhere I could think of this morning and nothing..

OP posts:
OVienna · 18/04/2020 12:14

I agree this situation feels like it has a blackmail angle. OP if you find that phone- keep it!

Notimeforaname · 18/04/2020 12:16

Yes I think it's highly unlikely he has another family or a 'love child' . I can't see that being the case.

Have another think about it later op and you might think of a couple of other places it might be.

I admire you and how calm you're being about this, for your children. You can and will get to the bottom of this, with your self respect in tact. Flowers

lowlandLucky · 18/04/2020 12:19

OP If you cant say anything now to your husband spend the time getting all your paperwork sorted and saving every single penny you can. x

FoolishWife · 18/04/2020 12:21

Yes. There us no rush to do anything. I confided in a couple of people about discovering my husbands whole second secret life because I was struggling acknowledge all that i'd found. I needed someone in real life to ground me and tell me it wasnt what i feared but sadly the facts are plain to see in my case now I've done some digging.
The One bit of advice I've received and been grateful for is that I don't have to rush to do anything. So it's the same for you OP. I'm taking time to absorb what I now know. Yes some days I'm really sytuggling with it all shut in a house with him 24/7. But time is letting me really think about how I feel, what I want, what is realistic and how I might take things forward.
Just stay vigilant and eventually you'll see things if there is anything to see. It does not happen overnight. I was months thinking was losing the plot then one day 1 nugget of detail opened everything, and hey presto there it was in its full blown horror!

I really hope it's nothing that serious. He's kept financial info from you and has a secret phone. That needs some processing on your part and a choice of what you do next.

Original poster
Sandpaperkisses357 · 18/04/2020 12:44

Thank you @FoolishWife .. yes I think time will help in making my decision, and let me get my head around it all... I'm so sorry for what you are going through too.
It hurts so much but yes doing my best to keep calm for the kids sake and so I can gather any evidence needed.

OP posts:
Lalala89 · 18/04/2020 13:44

Hi op, I just wanted to check in how you are. Have been thinking of you x

Confusedbutheyho · 18/04/2020 13:58

You must be feeling dizzy with all this. I second precious posters who say to screenshot everything and add her number to whatsapp before you say anything to him.

Then calmly confront him and expect him to be very defensive at first, try to keep as calm as you can so he tells you the truth. You must feign calmness and seem like you want to understand before he will tell you the truth.

Original poster
Sandpaperkisses357 · 18/04/2020 14:01

Thank you @Lalala89 I'm doing ok I guess...just keeping busy with the kids and cleaning trying to distract my mind.
Easier said than done though. I'm very thankful for you and everyone else as it has eased the madness in my head..I don't have any real close friends and don't want to tell my parents either as they would just be worrying, more stress they don't need atm.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sandpaperkisses357 · 18/04/2020 14:06

Yes I think a calm head will be better at getting more info etc. I have the pics already and have her number .. still can't find the phone though 🙄 if and when I do I think I will keep it and see his reaction when he can't find it

OP posts:
midnightstar66 · 18/04/2020 14:08

Have you checked his car for the phone OP.

IchbineinBerlinner · 18/04/2020 14:09

You sound like you are handling this well - i.e keeping a calm head and considering your options. I wonder how and where he charges the phone? Maybe he has a portable charger?

MadinMarch · 18/04/2020 14:28

Can you ring the phone when he's out of the house but ensure that you've withheld caller ID?
Be prepared that he may have the phone on him though and answer it, so don't have any identifying background noise.

1forAll74 · 18/04/2020 14:30

It all needs big explanations and no more secrecy. such a dreadful thing to find out about your Husbands lifestyle.

Is he a pushover mug, is he having an affair, and other things that come to mind.? I wonder if this woman knows you have five children,and that money is not ready available all the time.. He has to come clean right now, or else there is no more point to him.

Tomoveornotomove2 · 18/04/2020 14:38

1- get all his financial documents, bank statements and try and find the money order receipt or something similar.

2- if you share a computer look at the search history

3- try and get onto his Facebook to screenshot who This woman is and gather ass much evidence as possible.

4- overnight bag- just in case, containing all your kids personal items like passports and documents.

5- contact a solicitor - see where you stand legally.

6- is there anyone you can stay with? I know it’s lock down but I doubt this shit bag is going to leave.

7- who owns the house/ property you live in?

8- look at what benefits you’d be entitled to as a single parent.

DO NOT LET HIM MANIPULATE YOU AGAIN

nowayhose · 18/04/2020 14:54

OP, I haven't had time to read all the posts yet, but I wondered if you'd checked his car /office /garage/ shed for the phone ?

He's going to keep it somewhere easily accessible to him, but where you won't come across it, like in a pair of his wellies in the garage etc.

Good luck in finding the phone and in managing to keep a cool head while all this and lockdown is going on.

I wish you all the best. x

Notimeforaname · 18/04/2020 17:50

That's a good idea op, keeping the phone if/when you do find it.
It will surely prompt him to say something or at least show signs of distress.
Continue keeping busy, you're holding yourself together much better than many would. Flowers