Found husbands secret phone

[Sandpaperkisses357]

I have, a few days ago, found a phone I never knew my husband had..(I never usually would go through his phone but I just got a horrible feeling)and on it are texts from one of his female friends, one of which was asking him to send her money, 100 or 150 if possible as things are hard for her and family can't help.. next msg, her asking again and saying she will pay back the 1000?! He already sent last month When she gets bk on her feet WTF?! Another msg, burn after u read this ..
I am fuming to say the least .. how do I approach this ..
That money could have gone on the family, maybe for a holiday, which we've had one of in our 10 yrs together or get me my driving lessons he keeps putting off as " we can't afford it" but not just on some other woman.
Now I'm questioning our whole lives together and wondering is he having an affair?
We have 5 kids together, and can't just leave so easily..feeling so depressed about it all .. and even harder in the current circumstances too.
Totally heartbroken

"How DARE you look through my SECRET PHONE that I use to communicate Velentine's Day greetings to a woman I send money to behind your back while telling you that we can't afford a family holiday or driving lessons for you"

Oh you have a prince there all right.

rightsofwomen.org.uk/

mathanxiety Indeed.

I will go on but do what I can to save money etc. Then get out.

Fuck that.

Tell him you want the £1000 of family money he gave her deposited into an account that is yours alone, whether she pays him back or not.

Take an hour out of taking care of the kids today or tomorrow and examine all the bank accounts you have access to.

Do a credit check on him to find out if he has secret accounts of credit cards you are not aware of.

Call a solicitor.

I know you must be having such a hard time right now and it's easier said than done but I feel like he has gotten off lightly so far!

I don't understand why he hasn't explained himself and you're seemingly just letting him have more time to think up a good excuse.

I am not trying to be rude I just don't like people being walked over or taken for a mug and it feels like that is what he's doing.

Sandpaperkisses357
I hope you're doing OK tonight and you get some rest, you've had one hell of a day/few days
Please take care of yourself x

My husband lied to me for months. I 'knew' as he had left me then come back. This woman had been mentioned a lot whilst he had left me. She's just a friend/ colleague. For whatever stupid reason we tried again, horrible time, no love or trust. We had a 1 year old so seemed right to 'try'. I would see messages from her. He looked miserable in my company. I told him he should just leave if he's unhappy. Went to bed, forgot something and came back downstairs. She was calling him at 10pm, 2 mins after o had left the room.

I went upstairs and called her and said what's going on (I knew, but had no proof) she hung up, told him I'd rang. He comes upstairs and FINALLY admits it.

I had soooo many instances of 'I know he is, but is he really' dragged it out for 9 months.

He lied and lied and lied. I said just tell me I know anyway, he lied, I found condoms (we didn't use them) he lied, phone messages, he lied

I was a prize fool. In the end I got my closure plus as a bonus I had. O respect left for him, no love, didn't like his personality and never missed him. Best closure ever! So much pain to get there.

And not one of my/ his friends or family told me straight. They knew and could have saved me some time!

Assume the money he paid her will come out in the form E3 when you divorce him! Hope so - maybe a bit of forensic accounting needed here!!

Please call a solicitor ASAP

Concentrate your efforts in getting the best financial settlement.

He's lied to you. He's continuing to lie to you. He has no respect for you or your family unit.

Please do this for yourself

@Sandpaperkisses357 really hope things work out for you - you've been very dignified and more loyal than he has any right to.

I might get shot for this by others for being insensitive but id like to say to you:

1. it is unlikely he is going to start doing what you (or any woman) needs to rexoncille, work on the marriage and move on. It's been at least 2 days now with him knowing you know - he's been defensive or ignored this. Nothing you have told us shows him to be heartbroken or ashamed or desperate to keep you. If you love someone and are not completely narsistic then you are obviously bothered when your wife/mother of your children finds out you've lied to her. On mumsnet you will read about lots of lying cheating husbands who have denied it but then broken down & promised the earth because they still love, desire and respect their wives.

Your husband strikes me as a cold character because he hasn't said - "look let me see if I can ask for it back? I want this to be right between us" or "I have given her money. Here's £1000 for your projects".

Dearest Sandpaperkisses357 he doesn't love or respect you. He needs you and maybe likes you - but honestly he is running after her, he is caring about her wellbeing and is giving money to her.

1. So i agree with others that you should get some joint money under your sole control. At the end of the day this is more than just his gaslighting, disloyalty, lying & emotional infidelity (possible sexual too) - it's about money & financial abuse

More than emotional & sexual betrayal he has financially betrayed you. If you aren't ready yet to look into deperation/divorce/reconciliation & it helps the children to keep him in the family home then fine - but you get that money. You will need it and I think with 5 children to look after you can't run the risk.

**Facts

1. He has given money away that potentially will guarentee your children's standard of living. Holidays, tutors/uni, clothes, unexpected medical expenses, etc for your kids - it has probably been spent on the other womans botox/boob job or clothes or living it up.

You can't get that original money back off her but you can force him to stop
giving her more!!!!

1. He doesn't listen to you or believe in you or respect your pain, confusion and stress - but we do!

1. You are not his No1 priority - but you later could meet someone who will treat you as you deserve. No decent man is going to come up to you if don't let them know you are truly free & finished with Mr Sandpaper kisses!!

1. If he didn't have money to give her its possible the other woman wouldn't have bothered with him - OK she's letting herself be bought but you need to say "No. Stop buying her with our money". He needs to have his bubble burst.

1. This is a bad precedence to set. He may stop giving this woman money, they might not bother with this game of damsel in distress and sugardaddy, he may admit it - the truth is you can't go back to how it was before. If he can do it once he can do it again. You deserve better.

I promise closure & be happy again eventually whatever he does next .
I know you will have us on mumsnet whatever he does next.
I believe will have people who love you (esp those kids) whatever he does next.
But I'm certain you will not have financial security unless you grab it. I don't trust him and neither should you - don't waste time.

I know it's asking a lot. It's not my life. It's lockdown. There are kids involved.
But you are owed a great deal by him and yourself - don't be afraid or guilty X

So sorry op, he is a lying bastard.

Listen to what your gut is telling you . Often our mind will tell us what our heart wants to hear but that nagging feeling in your gut is never wrong. I chose to ignore my gut feelings previously and it always turned out they were right. Whether he is having an affair or not it is clear he has been deceptive and trust has been broken so for many people that would be enough to end a relationship/marriage.

He's so at it. Get angry but firstly, and most importantly, get organised. Consider the emotional afterwards. Access every account and download or screenshot everything you can. Save it somewhere only you can access. Plus her names, mob numbers, card/bank details, everything. Set up a personal bank account if you don't already have one. Just in case. Figure out what you have access to and what you don't. Put a lock pin on your phone if you don't already have one :)

That's my basic suggestion. If it was me, I'd be finding/swiping the second phone and making his life very uncomfortable in all sorts of ways. He's absolutely taking the piss.

@Bettybeans again have you not read any of ops replies either?? She has the phone!!!

@sandpaperkisses357 at the first possible moment today I encourage you to just stop.

Stop doing any housework, stop making meals, caring for kids, home schooling etc.

For the first time bad mum and a bad wife - you have to go on strike. You

He won’t explain why he had the phone because there is no plausible reason that doesn’t show him in a bad light. The best he would be able to manage would be ‘It was innocent but I knew you would make a fuss, so I hid it.’ Which is so obviously rubbish that it’s an insult in itself. But I bet a tenner he tries it.

Just remember, you don’t need him to admit it before you end the marriage. You know his behaviour has broken the trust between you and that is enough.

Best of luck.

OP, don't aim your anger at the other woman, she is not the one cheating on you. He is. Focus it on him.

2/2 show him the damage he has caused. He has broken your heart. Let him live with the consequences.

Be selfish. Let him tire himself out whilst you stay in a locked room with everything you need to get what you need legally & financially.

I would suggest you don't make a scene don't upset the children by verbally bashing him but they need to know what is essentially the truth: "a lady has taken our money meant for you and daddy won't help me get it back. I'm really upset".

There are only 2 honourable things he can do, but he isn't, he won't and he wont try:

1. Not stop until he gets her to pay the money back. If they are just friends and these two are so honourable then she shouldn't find this difficult. Real friends would be grateful for the offer of support and wouldn't want to break up his marriage over it now would they?

1. Say that he loves/wants her and he wants to give her money no questions asked but realises that means only what comes from his share in a divorce - so if you're OK then that's what he would like . He just can't be that fair though - he wants to have you budget locked in the marriage whilst he spends on her. He can't afford to divorce you really as I suspect you'd get the biggest share. He's relying on you staying married to keep up appearances to family and keep your joint finances still in his control.

FACT
How would he have behaved if it has been you to give money to some other man?
Anger? Verbal insults? Making you feel worthless? Physical abuse? Trying to persue the other man for 'his money' ? Shaming you with snide digs to kids & his and your parents? Taking away your access to the money? Would he have been quietly crushed and depressed at the betrayal?

You know the answer-he wouldn't have forgiven you and he would make you pay in his own way.

I think that you should say to him that he has to be truthful to you and he either offers to try again or is absolutely clear about his feelings for the OW and leaves you. There can be no middle ground. Tell him that if he can’t be truthful, then all he is doing is showing you that he is really contemptuous of you. You are worth more than his contempt and the relationship will be over. You will not share a bed with him, cook for him, do his washing or communicate with him except in respect of the children. Remind him that there are laws against financial abuse and that you will not hesitate to report him to the police if he is abusive to you in any way.

OP, don't aim your anger at the other woman, she is not the one cheating on you. He is. Focus it on him

Exactly.
And stay in control - you might feel even worse if he walk out on you all rather than you kicking him out.

I don't know about Op.
but I would have enough anger for the cunt she's married to and the cunt he's shagging.

What does he answer to 'why needing a second phone hiding under the car seat if it is all innocent and he is doing knowing wrong'?

@Fed I hear ya

@Dohod Fucking hell. Is this a clumsy attempt at tough love or are you actually just being cruel?