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Original poster

Found husbands secret phone

616 replies

Sandpaperkisses357 · 17/04/2020 19:09

I have, a few days ago, found a phone I never knew my husband had..(I never usually would go through his phone but I just got a horrible feeling)and on it are texts from one of his female friends, one of which was asking him to send her money, 100 or 150 if possible as things are hard for her and family can't help.. next msg, her asking again and saying she will pay back the 1000?! He already sent last month When she gets bk on her feet WTF?! Another msg, burn after u read this ..
I am fuming to say the least .. how do I approach this ..
That money could have gone on the family, maybe for a holiday, which we've had one of in our 10 yrs together or get me my driving lessons he keeps putting off as " we can't afford it" but not just on some other woman.
Now I'm questioning our whole lives together and wondering is he having an affair?
We have 5 kids together, and can't just leave so easily..feeling so depressed about it all .. and even harder in the current circumstances too.
Totally heartbroken Sad

OP posts:
Pinkybutterfly · 21/04/2020 20:06

Sorry op. What a b*###! Big hugs and kisses

Zeusthemoose · 21/04/2020 20:24

Op - honestly I would not have been able to have held it together for as long as you did. You sound like an amazing Mum ❤️ Keep strong. He's messed up big time and will regret how he's treated you. You deserve so much better Flowers

BumbleBeee69 · 21/04/2020 20:29

GASLIGHTING bastards Him and his Cousin... Flowers

Littlestlily · 21/04/2020 21:37

OP I’m so sorry you’re going through this on top of all the daily stress you must be feeling, I agree with a previous poster, maybe an affair can be got through, but not all the lies.
Every decision he made up to this point was a conscious one, engaging with another woman, buying a secret phone,hiding the affair, hiding the phone and giving her money and concealing it. Don’t let him make you feel that you are any way in the wrong, he has made every decision every step of the way to this deceit, he could have stopped this at any point.
I’ve had a similar experience and heard so many from my friends, all made to feel that we were crazy and jealous, classic gaslighting, it makes me feel so angry that men can be so awful .

MysticMeghan · 22/04/2020 00:52

So sorry OP. My heart goes out to you. Your love for your children shines through. That tells me you will gain strength from this horrible experience and pull through. You will get through this. And you will always be able to come here and vent and ask questions and get some validation and some clarity.

When this is all behind you, set yourself a goal and get those driving lessons. Time and time again I have seen men control their wives, partners and daughters through being the only one able to drive. It makes me so angry. My Father attempted to control me and my Mother the same way. Fortunately I met my DH and he saw the power play, took me away, paid for me to learn to drive and encouraged me to start out on a career. Driving will give you freedom and focus, it will give you the power and mobility to help your kids when they are older, it will make you less reliant on men and it will make you more employable when your DCs have flown the nest. Most importantly, you can do it in little hops and it gives you something to save up for and focus on.

If I have one piece of advice it is that trust once lost is gone forever. It doesn't matter what line you are fed or who your husband points you to to validate his lies, unless you have bomb proof evidence, then believe nothing you are told. Sorry to tell it like it is but habitual liars never change.

billybagpuss · 22/04/2020 06:53

Hope you’re able to have a peaceful day 💐

TiddlestheCat · 22/04/2020 08:00

Hope that you got some sleep. Make him look after the kids again today so that you can rest. And phone a close friend or family member for support.

mathanxiety · 22/04/2020 08:03

Tell him insulting your intelligence on top of everything else he has done isn't making him look better.

Tell him when his girlfriend pays back the £1000 she owes he can hand it over to you for the driving lessons the family allagedly couldn't afford up to now.

Flowers

He's sleeping in the doghouse, right?

mathanxiety · 22/04/2020 08:06

YY to teaandcake19's warning about his family.

They will circle the wagons.

Get in touch with your own family. Tell them what you are going through. Ask for their support. Tell them exactly what that support should be.

Rhayader · 22/04/2020 09:01

OP the reality is, if it was so innocent then why would he have a second secret phone hidden in the car. He knows it’s not right...

littleduckeggblue · 22/04/2020 09:13

Please don't believe his lies...kick him out!

IncredibleSulk · 22/04/2020 09:35

Hi OP, I’ve just read your whole thread and it really struck a chord with me and a similar situation which I was in last year.

I’d found lots of little things which my then husband denied. Looking back I was blindly naive. Fast forward to finding him at someone’s house one evening when I was at work. Still swore blind it was innocent. Only admitted it as I was about to go and ask the woman. Then only admitted to that one occasion.

I’ve since found out SO much more that has been going on for years and years.

What I have learned though is that people will lie about everything until there’s proof otherwise. And then they’ll only admit to what they have to.

If you find something awful out the chances are you’re only scraping the surface. If someone is capable of deceiving you then what are the odds of you stumbling across evidence the first time they have done it and them confessing to everything? Chances are there is so much more.

He’s proved to you he is capable of deceiving you at that’s the most important thing.

AnneOfCloves · 22/04/2020 09:40

I’m sorry you’re going through all this, Sandpaper. You must be wrung out. Be kind to yourself

Theresnobslikeshowb · 22/04/2020 10:07

I’m so sorry. I have been following your thread and thinking about you. It’s easy for everyone behind a screen to say do this, do that. Posters do genuinely want what is best for you, and people do genuinely care, as many have their own experiences to look back on. I know it’s easy to say stay strong, but that’s what you need to do right now, for yourself and your children. Tell him straight- you tell me the truth and we can work through this, or you continue to lie and you’ve lost all of us. Tell him you have more evidence, and therefore know he is lying. May shake him to tell you🤗

Original poster
Sandpaperkisses357 · 22/04/2020 10:14

Thank you again everyone, I feel a bit better today.. though school is bk, virtually, so I need to be here helping the kids with their work, so cant leave him to deal with them or probably next to nothing will be done, like yesterday. 🙄

OP posts:
Branleuse · 22/04/2020 10:30

Not only is he a cheater, but hes also quite happy to lie directly to your face when caught out. He must think you were born yesterday

carolebaskinsheadband · 22/04/2020 10:55

OP have you had a chance to honk about what you are going to do?

The way I see it, having been in a similar situation when my older children were babies, you have 2 options.

  1. Split from him. He can still be a dad but not a partner.
  1. Allow him to think you believe his lies and continue as you are. You'll be mugging yourself off for the rest of your relationship though.

I know it's easy to say this when it's not me who has the decision to make and I know lockdown makes things difficult but I strongly believe if you're not strong now worth him, you'll end up regretting it.

Notimeforaname · 22/04/2020 11:14

Good morning op, glad you're feeling a little better.
Though I'm furious on your behalf that he won't pick up the slack here and do everything for the children and instead leave you to do it all....

Notimeforaname · 22/04/2020 11:15

Have you been engaging with him at all or just left him to it?

Greenkit · 22/04/2020 11:16

Do you still have the phone, did anything come through?

Look after yourself xx

Original poster
Sandpaperkisses357 · 22/04/2020 11:51

Yea just been leaving him to it not engaging with him, I know if I stay with him I will regret it, but at the moment for my own sanity I need him to help with the kids.. so I will go on but do what I can to save money etc. Then get out.
I still have the phone too, nothing has come through yet no, my guess would be she's already been told ..

OP posts:
Friendsofmine · 22/04/2020 12:07

Start to build up those walls inside OP.

You can get through this by not engaging and focusing on the here and now survival mode.

Notimeforaname · 22/04/2020 12:20

I think in the current climate its actually the most sensible thing you can do op.
I admire your strength.

All you have done here is think about your children.
And when they are older they will fully understand how you devoted your life to them.
You're a fantastic mother

Tomoveornotomove2 · 22/04/2020 12:24

.... I’m sorry why are you not kicking him out?

OldEvilOwl · 22/04/2020 12:33

OP don't worry about the school work. A week or two off won't make any difference