Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Found husbands secret phone

616 replies

Sandpaperkisses357 · 17/04/2020 19:09

I have, a few days ago, found a phone I never knew my husband had..(I never usually would go through his phone but I just got a horrible feeling)and on it are texts from one of his female friends, one of which was asking him to send her money, 100 or 150 if possible as things are hard for her and family can't help.. next msg, her asking again and saying she will pay back the 1000?! He already sent last month When she gets bk on her feet WTF?! Another msg, burn after u read this ..
I am fuming to say the least .. how do I approach this ..
That money could have gone on the family, maybe for a holiday, which we've had one of in our 10 yrs together or get me my driving lessons he keeps putting off as " we can't afford it" but not just on some other woman.
Now I'm questioning our whole lives together and wondering is he having an affair?
We have 5 kids together, and can't just leave so easily..feeling so depressed about it all .. and even harder in the current circumstances too.
Totally heartbroken Sad

OP posts:
Tomoveornotomove2 · 21/04/2020 13:17

nayyarssolicitors.co.uk/2019/05/25/can-a-wife-kick-husband-out-of-house-uk/

READ THROUGH

I know it’s tough right now, but you have all the time in the world to cry after this. You need to secure your home and your kids

Chocchoc88 · 21/04/2020 13:23

@CalleighDoodle wow.

applesandpears33 · 21/04/2020 13:24

Please use this time to gather all financial information you might need. Even if you can't scan or photocopy documents you could take photos with your phone and then send them as e mail attachments to a trusted friend.

flirtygirl · 21/04/2020 13:26

Above link may lay out the legal situation regarding kicking out a spouse.

But let's face it, the op can pack up his stuff and tell him to take it to his family.

How many men or women actually take it to court after having been kicked out?

Sometimes the legal advice is crap.

carolebaskinsheadband · 21/04/2020 13:28

OP, you've done the right thing, you are human and you did so well to hold it together this far.

TiddlestheCat · 21/04/2020 13:41

Oh you poor Love!! God knows how you have held it together for so long! His cousin will always have his back and probably thought that he wouldn't cheat (just as you did when you married and had a family with him). He's lying, which you well know. He's going to try to worm his way back. He's absolutely going to lie (self preservation will kick in, as well as panic, shame, minimizing hurt etc). I would tell him to take the kids out for the afternoon. Then I would pack up his stuff, call his mother, and tell her that he will be visiting for a few days. You can tell the kids too that he has to go and stay with his parents to help them out. During these strange times, it would sound plausible. Also, regardless of the lockdown, if you need to meet up with a close friend or family member, do so. Your circumstances are exceptional. He can't explain any of this away. Lending money, the messages, the valentine's Day message, the hidden second phone. And be sure to keep texting her from his phone and ask her to call you (disguised as him). Be sure to mention to her that he says that she has mental problems!

Emerald95 · 21/04/2020 13:48

OP there are SO many holes in his story to point out. If he's "helping a friend" why does he need to keep it secret? And why go to the extent of getting a second secret phone to do so? He's gaslighting you, he's emotionally abusing you. Manipulating you into believing a story you, me and everyone else knows is clearly a lie. He needs to leave the house, the longer you are all stuck in the house together the worse it will be for you DCs. You eldest DC is 10, that's too old to be oblivious to the tension right now and with no school to exscape to this will be hell for them too. Can he stay with his family, a hotel, anywhere that isn't in yours and your DCs faces. Big hugs from all of us

PicturesOfCats · 21/04/2020 15:02

Have you kept hold of the phone? Don’t give it back to him.
If it was innocent, he wouldn’t need a secret phone.
No doubt he’ll say he had to hide it, because he ‘knew you’d react like this’ but it’s bullshit.
Even if it were just innocently helping a friend, it would Still be unacceptable as he’s taking it out of the family pot and depriving you of things you need eg the driving lessons.

You’ve done amazing to have kept calm so long.

I just wrote ‘don’t let him minimise it’ but you can’t control what he does, so just don’t allow yourself to be gaslighted.

Sending strength!

doskant · 21/04/2020 15:13

Sorry, I have nothing to add. Just wanted to send my good thoughts to you, OP. What a shit of a man. You deserve soooooo much better. Well done for confronting him. Now you can take the steps you need to move forward without this painful creature in your life slowing you down. Flowers

Spotsandstars · 21/04/2020 15:15

Again please think. If he was just being kind why the second secret phone??? There's no other reason apart from that he is deliberately hiding stuff from you. Stuff he doesn't want you to know. Remember that, he's deliberately gone out and got another phone with the sole purpose of deception.

Redwinestillfine · 21/04/2020 15:21

Gin so sorry op

Friendsofmine · 21/04/2020 15:42

Sorry OP.

His family may be lovely people equally unaware of how much of a shit he is. Just as you were.

There is a poster on MN worrying about how she'll find out if her affair "partner" will survive Covid because she's only met a few of his family when his wife went to a conference and doesn't have their contact details as it wouldn't have felt right...(but getting involved with a married man is fine)...so clearly some people have family willing to get involved in deception too.

Greenkit · 21/04/2020 16:18

Hope you're ok

Don't listen to his bullshit

bettyjune07 · 21/04/2020 16:21

Oh lovely, dont be too hard on yourself for exploding at him. You've kept it all in for a while, which is why its exploded out. Things just get too much to hold in anymore.

I'm sorry hes still insulting your intelligence and denying it all. If he really needed to financially help his female friend he would say "do you mind if I lend female friend a grand, I know we're pretty hard up but shes desperate for help" and as a couple you would help her. He wouldn't need a hidden phone to do it.

Dont let him twist things so you look like the mad one. Its called coercive control. Trust your gut instinct, not his brother/cousins opinion.
If possible I would ask him to stay with a relative so you can have some much needed time to think and decide where to go from here.

Everyone here is thinking of you and sending you lots of virtual hugs and flowers.

FoolishWife · 21/04/2020 16:24

Don't be hard on yourself. It's tough keeping it quiet. It had to.come out at one point.
He is minimising. It's the script.

You and him need to have a proper chat at some point and seen if he can at least be truthful when he's less shocked you've found out.

I know my situation can't help you but you're not alone. I so neatly asked my husband to leave this morning and tells him I know everything. The moment passed because if the "kids" being in our faces and no privacy. There isn't a right or wrong way yo do this you just have to go with what geeks right for you.

I'm sure there's many people on here with some good advice.

LakieLady · 21/04/2020 16:27

Trying to tell you this is something innocent when he's been hiding a bloody phone is an insult to your intelligence, OP. He must be desperate to come out with crap like that.

I really feel for you, being lied to and deceived like that is just awful.

Make sure you've got access to some money, use the joint a/c debit card to draw cash if need be (if you leave funds in a joint a/c there's a danger he might empty it) and tell him to sling his hook.

I'm so angry on your behalf.

lynzpynz · 21/04/2020 16:29

He is not going to admit to this, he is going to gaslight you and the more time he has to think the more bull he will come up with to excuse himself.

As others have said if there was an innocent explanation to this he wouldnt have a secret phone or be transferring money. If my DH had a female acquaintance who had mental health issues and was calling him 'my man' or similar he'd tell me straight off the bat for fear of it being misconstrued.

Send him away for now, where he goes is 100% his problem, take the time to get your head straight with what you want to do going forward whatever that may be. Keep hold of that phone. Guaranteed he has been in touch with her by another means and has told her not to answer the phone. Why else would she suddenly be ignoring all calls from it? She knows its been compromised and is too much of a coward to answer you.

You're doing so well OP, you've done the hard bit and confronted him and all the emotion you've had regarding this betrayal of trust has brought. Now get your ducks in a row, time to look after you and the kids Flowers

Notimeforaname · 21/04/2020 18:08

I hope you're doing as well as you can be, op.
Ive been thinking of you all day. Flowers hopefully you've had some time by yourself. X

Original poster
Sandpaperkisses357 · 21/04/2020 18:10

Thank you so much everyone..
Sorry but I needed to take myself away from it all for a bit.
I have, and still am, locked myself and baby in my room for the afternoon, left him to deal with the kids for a bit.
Had a little sleep too.
My head is pounding and has been since morning.
I know he is trying to play down what's really gone on and yes find his lies incredibly insulting.

I don't think anyone knows the real him tbh.
Wish I could turn back time and never even meet his lying ass. ( but keep the kids obviously, they are my world)

OP posts:
AwrightDoreenTakeAFuckinDayOff · 21/04/2020 18:18

I could maybe, just about maybe work through an affair.

I couldn’t forgive the ongoing lies. To be lied to In the first place is bad enough. To carry the lie on is bloody shameful and so insulting.

Sorry Op. You share your house with a cock. Sad

Notimeforaname · 21/04/2020 18:25

I'm glad you've had some rest. Stay exactly where you are if you're comfortable there op.

Notimeforaname · 21/04/2020 18:27

I wouldnt engage with him again until he comes to you, with some truth.

If he can't/won't leave, he may sleep on the sofa.

Notimeforaname · 21/04/2020 18:28

Just continue looking after yourself and baby.

teaandcake19 · 21/04/2020 18:53

Make sure you look after yourself and precious children.

Please be careful who you trust in his family - I speak from bitter experience. They may take your side to begin with but things can soon change. I really hope you have your family and close friends to turn to

Stay strong x

IAmReportingYouForBBQing · 21/04/2020 18:54

This is just shocking. I'm so sorry op. Be strong, get rid of him. You and your kids will be better off.

Swipe left for the next trending thread