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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Found husbands secret phone

616 replies

Sandpaperkisses357 · 17/04/2020 19:09

I have, a few days ago, found a phone I never knew my husband had..(I never usually would go through his phone but I just got a horrible feeling)and on it are texts from one of his female friends, one of which was asking him to send her money, 100 or 150 if possible as things are hard for her and family can't help.. next msg, her asking again and saying she will pay back the 1000?! He already sent last month When she gets bk on her feet WTF?! Another msg, burn after u read this ..
I am fuming to say the least .. how do I approach this ..
That money could have gone on the family, maybe for a holiday, which we've had one of in our 10 yrs together or get me my driving lessons he keeps putting off as " we can't afford it" but not just on some other woman.
Now I'm questioning our whole lives together and wondering is he having an affair?
We have 5 kids together, and can't just leave so easily..feeling so depressed about it all .. and even harder in the current circumstances too.
Totally heartbroken Sad

OP posts:
Ivyr0se · 20/04/2020 21:59

Once the children are settled take yourself off to bed.
Give yourself more time to come up with your plan and what though want to do.

Please do tell someone in real life, just so they can check in on you.

FilledSoda · 20/04/2020 22:11

Please tell someone you trust in RL.
Consider holding off until after lockdown , if you can bear to.

LennyPugGoat · 20/04/2020 22:18

We are all here for you. Take the sensible advise above.

Iflyaway · 20/04/2020 22:22

How did you get to have 5 kids but can't drive? Unless you live in walking distance of everything. Not usual in UK.

Just wondering about the logistics, school, supermarket run etc. I mean, 7 people to feed, work and school is a lot of organisation.....

And now he may have someone on the side? I hope you get to the bottom of it.

LennyPugGoat · 20/04/2020 22:23

Iflyaway please do so.

Sandpaperkisses357 · 20/04/2020 22:38

You know what you're right I am totally exhausted..I don't think I have the energy or time for this tonight.

Just going to have a cuppa and relax for a little bit before bed.

OP posts:
Chilledoutmuma · 20/04/2020 22:40

@Iflyaway Please don’t be insensitive. OP is not asking for help on how to manage her life without driving, perhaps there is home delivery from supermarkets, walking distance to schools and maybe her DH helps out.

Judging in any situation is unkind.

Notimeforaname · 20/04/2020 22:44

Sandpaperkisses357 please do that. Have a cuppa and get some sleep.. Maybe watch /read somthing if it can take your mind off things for a few minutes.

You do not need to do this so late at night. Xx

Iflyaway · 20/04/2020 22:46

Well, I'm sorry Chilled. Just wondering how it works. How is that being unkind?

maybe her DH helps out

I though the problem is him having a secret phone. Not really helpful in the grand scheme of things is ti?

OP, hope it all works out for you.

Sandpaperkisses357 · 20/04/2020 22:48

He has been a bit ..grumpy.. today yes

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 20/04/2020 22:50

He's a twat. Let him stew.
You and the kids are number 1 here.

When you're more rested it'll become clearer to you how you want to approach it and when.
I hope you can get some sleep

Friendsofmine · 20/04/2020 22:53

Get your ducks in a row before you blow the lid off of this

^ rest for tonight. Then this. All solicitors say get your evidence before saying a word.

Sorry OP.

Sandpaperkisses357 · 20/04/2020 22:54

Thank you @Notimeforaname yes hoping to get a good sleep and as you say my mind will be clearer..

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 20/04/2020 23:00

My thoughts are with you and your children op, as is the case for many other concerned MN'ers out here.

You're doing an excellent job of staying composed, I don't think I could even be half as level headed as you here..

You sound like a fabulous person and mum... your kids are lucky to have you.

Sandpaperkisses357 · 20/04/2020 23:00

Well I'm off to read for a bit in bed now..
Thank you to all of you for your advice and support x you are all amazing!

OP posts:
Sandpaperkisses357 · 20/04/2020 23:02

Thank you so so much x that made me feel good ..a bit teary but good

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 20/04/2020 23:04

I'm glad we can all be here for you OP.Flowers Take care of yourself and try to sleep well. You'll get through this, without a doubt x

Lalala89 · 20/04/2020 23:07

Hi op, still thinking of you everyday.

You are being so incredibly strong for your children at a time of such confusion and heartache. Your dh is surely a POS but you are incredible. Do you have any RL support?
5 years ago I left my husband and I had a 5 and 8yo and no career as we had focused on getting his career sorted before I could focus on mine.

It was the hardest thing I ever done but so so rewarding, I am so much stronger now, I feel accomplished and I am so proud of myself. You will feel this way too eventually. You will be happy again. Thinking of you and checking this thread everyday Flowers

Phrowzunn · 20/04/2020 23:07

Sorry you’re going through this @Sandpaperkisses357. You are doing the right thing and being strong for your children. I know the thought of how upset they’ll be is terrifying, but you are teaching your daughters not to settle for this and your sons that this is not how to treat women. My gran (dad’s mum) was cheated on by her husband (dad’s dad) when my dad was young and she chucked him out. He lived with the OW for a while then came crawling back, begging for forgiveness. My gran told him to sling his hook. I never even really knew her as she died when I was a baby, but even still I am proud of her and she is an inspiration to me. So just know that your strength and self-respect will one day be admired and applauded by your children, and even your children’s children.

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/04/2020 23:19

Youre doing so much better than I did. When I found the second phone I woke him up at 4 am (had been up with DD who was 4 weeks old and seen the outline of it in his work trousers in the bathroom, he usually left it at work) and threw it at him. I aimed to hit the duvet in front of him but my aim is terrible, I couldnt hit a barn wall from the inside, so smacked him right in the face with it. I'd like to say I felt bad but I fucking didnt. Wanker.

As a result though I made a lot of mistakes and ended up staying with him. I wish I had let the head rule instead of the heart. You are doing the right thing by keeping your powder dry.

He is currently shitting himself and that alone is very telling.

indemMUND · 20/04/2020 23:25

Oh OP you've had your foundations shaken down to the very core. Look after yourself and don't act on impulse. Only when you feel strong enough. You're amazing to have kept going the way that you have. He can't take that away or diminish it. Sending you a massive unmumsnetty hug. Stay strong. It's undeniably him, not you. You're worth so much more Thanks

greenkit · 20/04/2020 23:31

hope your able to sleep, and relook at this in the morning.

Just think he will be going over and over in his head about where his phone could be.

I agree, get everything you need together before/if you decide to confront him.

BanKittenHeels · 20/04/2020 23:39

Thinking of you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/04/2020 23:59

I hope you’re asleep now to give you strength for the day ahead. Flowers

mathanxiety · 21/04/2020 05:24

Put the second phone on silent so that it won't give away its location if the OW contacts your H.

Do you have a charger that would fit it?

Keep that phone somewhere really, really safe.
Do you have a fairly full container of new cat litter? Put the phone in a little tupperware container and bury it deep in the new litter.
Or deep in a big bag of kibble if you have a dog.
Or hamster hay/pellets, etc.

Same idea - big jar of couscous or rice.

Can you remove the grille on the bottom of your fridge? If yes, you might be able to stick the phone in a little shallow tupperware container and stow it under the fridge. Replace the grille. If it's filthy, resist the temptation to clean it. Check for the overflow valve and for drips first.

Or put it into a sock, knot it, cut any extra bit of sock at the top so it's not a big, bulky thing, and attach it to the top of some thick curtains, around the back, preferably in the folds and in an area that doesn't pull across the window so it won't be disturbed daily and the light shining through the curtains won't expose a peculiarly shaped shadow. You can use big safety pins to attach it jut below the rod. Lined curtains work best for this, and you can also secrete it between the lining and the curtain (best with stiff fabric though). Be careful that the screen of the phone points to the wall or it might light up and give the game away if she contacts your H with it. Check how this works before you decide this is The Place.

Do you have a large table lamp that has a felt bottom? Maybe you could take off the bottom and shove the phone into the cavity?

Do you have an almost full box of tissues? Open the box carefully (at the bottom or sides, depending on where it is sealed) and take out enough tissues to make room for the phone, leaving the tissues on top undisturbed. Roll the tissues you take out to fill in the cavity at either side of the phone to keep the top tissues from falling down at the sides and to prevent rattling if H shakes the tissue box. Close the box up again, and keep it beside your bed or in your bedside table if you have one.

Do you have a bicycle? Hide it under the saddle. Disguise it with something that matches the colour of the underneath of the saddle (a black sock for instance).

Or cut a little slit in your mattress at the back near the seam on your side of the bed and slip the phone in. Works best if you cut the slit at the bottom of the mattress and if you put it into a small tupperware container first.

Delete your history on all devices you use.

Change your passwords on MN and all email addresses you use.

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