Mil text reply. Aibu?

[Lalla525]

Bit of background here. We are having a difficult pregnancy. Started with IVF and continued with potential major complications which require an early cesarean.

We did not tell my in-laws any of that until quite recently, when the weekend before lockdown we decided to cancel their visit. We felt we didn't want to add more risk, and therefore wanted to avoid the visit, even if we were not in official lockdown.

To explain the reason, we went on great details about the shit experience we had so far and I made clear that I hate 'dismissive comments' like "all will be fine".

Fast forward today and we go in for the scan which confirms the problem and that we will need to have a premature birth via cesarean. Conversation in the pic attached.

I hate her reply. Feels dismissive. I would much rather have something like
I'm sorry. It's shit. What are next steps? Etc..

My partner think it's a fine answer.

What's your opinion?

I have not said anything back to her and don't plan to make her feel shit about it

Well that's good, because if you did, she'd put you in the "my daughter-in-law is totally nuts" category and never know how to talk to you at all. I'm hoping that this reaction is due to the genuine stress of your situation and not that you are this hard work all of the time. Her reply was perfectly fine.

This is difficult OP. I had an induction and birth at 34 weeks. It wasn't a bad outcome, just unexpected. DC in SCBU for 2 weeks and it wasn't nice but many babies at that gestation go home after a few days. 36 weeks really isn't particularly early?

Is your baby expected to be very poorly at birth?
Are you at unusual risk during the c-section?

Even if the answer to those is no, and MIL knows that... she is probably just saying to you what she says to herself during uncertain times: "stay relaxed". Everyone has a bit of a mantra during such times and that may be hers.

Try to remember that not everyone is like you, and very very very few people have the advanced skills in empathy and communication that you seem to want from her.

She's your MIL, not your parent, therapist, best friend or partner. Honestly - even my own DP would respond "wrong" in such a situation, and he loves me to pieces and wants only the very best things for me....

I think it sounded like she was unclear of the significance of the veins and cervix etc, clarifying by text was not appropriate, and she would find out from you when she speaks to you so can offer support then.

You don’t get to choose how she responds.

Cross posted with you there OP. I'm sorry to hear about the risk of still birth. That's a very hard thing to have on your mind.

I still maintain that MIL is probably saying to you what she would say to herself. It's very likely she's doing her absolute best. Not much more she can do.

It's not nice when you feel no-one is quite saying the right thing, when you're in distress. I am having a hard time personally at the moment and my DP hates it and wants to help but all he can talk about is how I shouldn't worry, etc. etc. when all I want is him to say I UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL or something... it is exhausting. But it's not his fault, he really tries but doesn't have great emotional awareness and is doing what he has been taught to do from childhood.

I wonder if MIL has posted a similar thread on Gransnet about the lack of kisses/xxx on OP message.

My guess is no.

I thought that was the "warm hugs" emoji 😂😂 I have sent that when I would offer a reassuring hug, this means I have been sending inappropriate jazz hands 😱

It’s a nice reply, your message is aggressive almost.

Ps. Op I am sorry your scan was not the outcome you hoped for, wishing you well for your Cs and hope it all goes the right way 💐💐

It's good to see your gracious responses on this thread OP. People don't usually accept criticism on MN threads in such a sensible way.

I'm sorry you're having such a shit time OP it sounds really stressful.

However I think her reply is genuinely nice - she is probably a bit scared of saying anything too negative / too positive because you've made it clear (which is your prerogative) that you have a strong reaction to certain types of replies - so I think she's tried her best to send one that is supportive but neutral.

Its tonight. You understandably don't want someone to go shit that's going to be awful, and exacerbate your panic, but you also don't want someone to say not to worry / it'll be fine as that feels dismissive.

I get that but it does mean that people are somewhat forced to play it safe in a sense, to try to word stuff within your acceptable parameters, and then their messages can come across slightly hollow.

Hopefully you can see from her side how that might have happened here?

Wishing you so much luck I appreciate how horrible it is for you at the moment

I think the bit that you wrote at the end of your message about comfort eating chocolate made the message more light-hearted than you perhaps meant it to be, and your MIL took the cue from that not to respond with too much of a concerned message. Hope everything goes well with the rest of your pregnancy.

I don't think you would've been happy whatever she put!!
Try not to over think things, just each day as it comes,

All the best

Typo in my post, meant to say its TOUGH not it's tonight!

It is a shit situation, but I doubt there is anything your MIL could say to make it less shit. There isn't a manual for this sort of thing and she probably has no clue how to navigate it all. She is trying to be kind and supportive.

That said, I remember getting really irritated with people's messages when I was pregnant and hormonal. A simple "how are things going?" used to make me think the person was an overbearing, nosy wotsit, so hormones plus a shit situation with a backdrop of epic healthcare pandemic is probably a zillion times worse.

YABVU

Hope all goes well 💐

Have you thought about ringing instead of texting?

Are you close to anyone else? I'm just wondering why you are so invested in her replies? If it were me MIL would be down the list of people who I'd expect to give me emotional support. But I've been lucky and had a lovely MIL who was like a mother but if she hadn't been I had plenty of support elsewhere. Am sorry if she's the only one you have to lean on apart from dh.

You sound a bit difficult to please.

When things are written down they can be read in different ways depending on the head space of the person reading it. (Well not entirely true, some of the replies on here could only be read as the mean way that they were intended.)

When I read the text I thought it sounded a bit "ok whatever" but going by all the replies most people didn't.

I hope that everything goes well with the birth.

YABU, hope all goes well.

Lovely response from MIL. Just because it's been hard work for you, you shouldn't expect everyone to understand if they haven't been there. IMO your text is far too much information for a MIL. Maybe she's embarassed by your oversharing?

You're going through a hugely difficult time OP. Since your update, I can see now why you might have found the text a bit dismissive. I do think, though, that people can find it hard to convey their meaning properly in texts. It's easier when speaking. I would think she is wishing/praying/hoping for the best, but maybe hasn't expressed herself fully in her message. Wishing you all the very best OP, thinking of you

Absolutely nothing wrong with her reply. I think it’s quite nice.

I know you replied already but her reply was fine.

I just wanted to say it may be that 36 weeks isn't what most people would think of as 'premature' rather just 'early' and it's not worryingly early at that.

@Sparkletastic I think that's meant to be a hug