Mil text reply. Aibu?

[Lalla525]

Bit of background here. We are having a difficult pregnancy. Started with IVF and continued with potential major complications which require an early cesarean.

We did not tell my in-laws any of that until quite recently, when the weekend before lockdown we decided to cancel their visit. We felt we didn't want to add more risk, and therefore wanted to avoid the visit, even if we were not in official lockdown.

To explain the reason, we went on great details about the shit experience we had so far and I made clear that I hate 'dismissive comments' like "all will be fine".

Fast forward today and we go in for the scan which confirms the problem and that we will need to have a premature birth via cesarean. Conversation in the pic attached.

I hate her reply. Feels dismissive. I would much rather have something like
I'm sorry. It's shit. What are next steps? Etc..

My partner think it's a fine answer.

What's your opinion?

I wish my MIL would reply with that much kindness! Honestly I understand why you might be feeling sensitive but you're seeing something that isn't there, she obviously cares and is doing her best to be reassuring.

The response may not be perfect but it is not offensive and shouldn't make you cry. This is about the stress you are under. Try not to think badly of MIL.

Hope all goes well with birth

Maybe you should have called her instead of texting? Then you might have been able to discus it and get a better response. Some people just aren’t great at responding through text, my mum struggles if I text her and needs up just calling me. Not sure what reply you really wanted.

To the question about whether I have anybody else to rely on for support

I have my parents and my DP, all three of them are amazing. I haven't told any friend about it because I know I would probably feel bad with their replies, and did not want to put that burden on them.

MiL was not supposed to know all this either, and the decision NOT to share was made because my DP does not like to share details with his mum and I was worried about the replies i would get. However, when we told them not to come due to covid, they were so upset and offended that we felt we had to justify the decision (which at the time sounded over-reacting) and shared the details. Of course, since then, we can not avoid giving updates.

I tend to have quite a strong opinion about the importance of acknowledging other people's feelings. Whether I think that feeling is justified or not, I always try to acknowledge that that's how they feel.

To give an example. In this thread I have been told multiple times that 36 weeks cesarean is not that bad (hence I should not be that worried) because they had a 28 week birth and THAT was premature. Not mine. Aside from the fact that my worry is not the 36 weeks, but the stillbirth risk, I understand where they are coming from, because, in their mind, they had it worse, and potentially even find it offensive that I worry about a 36 week (although, again, that's not my primary concern). I should feel lucky in their eyes.

I am just not good at accepting that people do not necessarily think every feeling is valid and ok to have and acknowledge that.

But anyway... I digress.

@muckycat It is a hug.

Have I got this right ? So you didn’t tell them about your difficulties until quite recently ? Sounds like you dropped a bombshell on them. MILs can’t do right for doing wrong sometimes. If she’d been all over you, that would have been wrong, her measured response was wrong, what do you want her to say ? She must feel she’s walking on eggshells with you.

OP what a complete nightmare, I am so sorry It is crap when you don't get to have a relaxed and enjoyable pregnancy. This sounds like vasa praevia? Terribly stressful. The positives are that it was picked up, which goes in your favour.

Obviously you have very set ideas on what constitutes a reasonable response to your messages, you have acknowledged that. I think the next step is realising that we are all individuals and so will of course not all respond the same. Remember, this is her GC, of course she is worried and wants everything to be ok for you and the GC.

It is already an incredibly difficult stressful time to be pregnant, without added complications. Try and take comfort from those supporting you, it really will help in the long run

For god's sake OP, it was a TEXT! She might be actively trying not to be overbearing, she could be busy or could be pissed off that you chose to tell her something so important over a text.

I expect you called your own parents to tell them?!

I think it’s fine OP. I think she’s trying - she’s at a distant - she’s your MIL. Not really sure what you want her to say - if she had started asking questions then you would probably have been more pissed off.

Having had two EMCS and two babies in NICU/SCBU I would say your experience is your own and how you choose to feel is in your power. Really do try to stay positive for your baby and yourself - you’ve got a long way to go yet and I wouldn’t worry about these messages from MIL. It does appear she’s just trying to say the right thing but no one knows really what is the right thing to say.

I don't think most people are meaning to invalidate your (very legitimate) fears by saying they had sections earlier / other difficulties etc.

They are trying to reassure you that for example they had a section earlier and their little one was ok in the end to give you hope and help you see there could be a positive outcome.
I get that it doesn't feel that way maybe, but it's solidarity and reassurance rather than one upmanship / I've had it worse from other people.

I don't know if that makes sense but I think that understandably because you're having such a shit time you're being overly defensive when people are trying to reassure you in a way that hard with you.

I get like this too - I have brain damage as a result of a horrible car crash and it's resulted in severe epilepsy. People say to me all the time oh well my cousin has that and he can drive and everything. I'll never be able to do that due to the complexities and severities of mine, and for a year or so after the crash I wanted to say well that's good for your cousin but I'm fucked, so thanks for making me feel even worse. BUT with time i see they are trying to help and sometimes it just lands wrong. I hope that helps and I haven't done the very same thing I've just mentioned!

I understand the stress you’re under, and fully sympathise with you because it’s a worrying time for you, that being said I see absolutely nothing wrong with your MIL’s reply.

I agree with you OP, but that's because I have parents who have always dismissed my feelings. I think this can be cumulative and not noticeable to other people in a one-off exchange.
You said my DP does not like to share details with his mum - why is that?
I don't share things with my parents because I know they will be treated as unimportant. It's a defence against this kind of thing.

I think there's nothing wrong with her reply.

If you have "made clear that I hate 'dismissive comments' like "all will be fine" then the poor woman probably has no idea how to respond to your news. You sound rude and self centred, in all honesty.
What response would you have been pleased with?
As others have said 36 weeks is not all that early and a planned c section will at least take away some of the uncertainty and I wish you all the best.

OP I think it's quite sad you feel you can't share things with friends because their replies will make you feel bad and it's a burden on them? Maybe not in this instance specifically because pregnancy news can be private and worrying and not something you want to share until things are more certain but it seems that your thoughts on people's responses is a bigger theme than just this instance. It must be lonely and upsetting constantly feeling let down by what you see as people's failure to acknowledge your feelings despite how good their intentions are. Wishing you and baby the best outcome possible

That's looks like a fine response to me...and she included a hug 😉🤷‍♀️

You do seem to want to find fault in your MIL's kind and well meant response. To be honest, it sounds as if you are deliberately shutting them out and favouring your own parents. I wonder if your husband dare not share with his parents because you will accuse him of disloyalty.
Perhaps, try to see the best in other people for a while. It might make you feel more positive about everything.

I think her text was fine. You had already told her what the next steps were and I think she was probably biting her tongue and not responding with the obvious comment to your text. Having had pre eclampsia as did my daughter twice I can empathise with a difficult pregnancy but I think whatever response people give you would not be happy. Don't share details if you do not want people to try and support you.

I haven't told any friend about it because I know I would probably feel bad with their replies, and did not want to put that burden on them.

This is desperately sad, OP. I hope that the supportive replies on this thread will help you to reflect on why you feel this way. You can't control the way in which people respond to you.

I’m sorry you’re having a shit time OP. It sucks.

However, YABU and unfair here. You have already tried to control and pre-empt a response from her by saying that you don’t like dismissive comments. Most people would then worry about saying the wrong thing. In this case, people are likely to say less rather than more and keep it simple. What she has said isn’t dismissive, she’s just trying to say something supportive. People don’t always say what we want them too, but that doesn’t make their response wrong. Give her a break, she’ll be worried about you, her son and your baby and this time isn’t just hard for you, it’s hard for everyone.
I hope the birth goes well

OP also struggled with infertility. You are being over sensitive (try and cut her some slack) calm down and relax.

Sorry you’re having such a stressful pregnancy.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the reply. I know it’s important to you to validate other people’s feelings but it’s also important to accept that other people are not like that.
Your mil has a different personality and you should read her intentions. I don’t think she meant any harm in that message.

I am just not good at accepting that people do not necessarily think every feeling is valid and ok to have and acknowledge that.

I hope you can move towards being more accepting of others and their shortcomings/personalities/etc, because you're going to open yourself up to loads of suffering if you don't. The vast, VAST majority of people will disappoint you if you keep your expectations at the level they are at.

I say that as someone who had to work on this herself x

I think you’re projecting your worries and upset onto your mil. I do hope all will be well with your baby. You’re going through a terribly stressful time. On the positive side, you have very supportive parents and DP. Lots of us don’t have one or the other and some neither. Life isn’t fair. Your mil has tried hard imo to strike a balance. And you’re lashing out because you’re not happy with the one shes struck.

I think her reply is fine