Mil text reply. Aibu?

[Lalla525]

Bit of background here. We are having a difficult pregnancy. Started with IVF and continued with potential major complications which require an early cesarean.

We did not tell my in-laws any of that until quite recently, when the weekend before lockdown we decided to cancel their visit. We felt we didn't want to add more risk, and therefore wanted to avoid the visit, even if we were not in official lockdown.

To explain the reason, we went on great details about the shit experience we had so far and I made clear that I hate 'dismissive comments' like "all will be fine".

Fast forward today and we go in for the scan which confirms the problem and that we will need to have a premature birth via cesarean. Conversation in the pic attached.

I hate her reply. Feels dismissive. I would much rather have something like
I'm sorry. It's shit. What are next steps? Etc..

My partner think it's a fine answer.

What's your opinion?

37 weeks is term, so please try not to fixate on your baby bring premature by a week. Your baby MIGHT not even need the NICU/SCBU.
My DD was born at 31 weeks.

Guess you don't like her

Why are you discussing your cervix with your mother in law? I didn’t give any details about being pregnant, scans the birth etc other than yes we’ve had a scan. Even if you do need a c-section and you wanted to share that you need one “yes I need a c-section unfortunately” would cover it.

I’m not sure what you wanted the woman to reply back? As hard as I’m sure it is struggling to get pregnant and then having issues I’m not sure her reply to your over elaborate text would help.

You are massively overthinking this. Your MIL's reply is fine.

@OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe one of my friends corrects her dd’s age by 3 weeks. 3 weeks early isn’t premature, it’s offensive to those who have real preemies.

OP your MIL’s advice to try and relax really might be spot on. Honestly REST and relaxation are the best things you could be doing right now. Get DP to run around after you like the Queen of Sheba !

Exactly @chilli I have to constantly bite my tongue about things like this!

Seems fine to me.
She has not experienced this herself. X

When it comes to other people's way of communicating and their responses, you don't get your preference. Your last post sounded as though you expect people to be exactly how you want them to be and not how they are as individuals.

I think you overshared personal details tbh and I would have been more than happy with her reply. I hope all goes well - elective sections are always early (my daughter was 36 weeks) but my dgd was a natural birth at 28 weeks, that's premature.

Sorry you're going through a hard time OP.
I don't think there's anything wrong with the reply, she sounds interested but not pushy and seems supportive and level headed.
Your text was very informative with what has happened and what will happen next so there was very little she could really ask.

I think you need to be less idealistic and just focus on whether she’s genuinely trying to be kind or not.

You have decided that responding in a particular way is correct and responding in a different (but no less supportive way), is wrong. That level of inflexibility is not good and will doubtless cause problems in your relationship with her over the coming years.

If you continue to judge her based on your rigid ideas of what’s ok and not ok, you’re always going to be left wanting and blaming others for not meeting your exacting expectations.

I ditched a friend because she had her own made up code of behaviour and I felt she was always judgy and disappointed in me. She could find a slight in everything anyone did and constantly felt hard done by. She would never complain to the person directly but would moan to other people (who would mostly concur for an easy life.)

No matter how I tried to explain it, she couldn’t see that her narrow version of the rules of good behaviour was the real problem and not what other people said or did.

I think you demonstrate your inflexibility by saying...

Supportive people didn't need to be, as this was not the point of the post, but they still were (as it is probably part of their personality) and resonated much better with me. I guess it's just my preference.

It’s clear that you choose to only read certain responses as supportive and also inferred they had a nicer personality (!) whereas I’d say 99% of the replies are being supportive, because they’re trying to help you see things from a different perspective.

I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly but please bear in mind when you feel slighted that your MIL really does want the best for you and her son and her prospective grandchild.

@OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe I really have to as well. Listening to a friend blub over her gin about how the NHS ruined her relationship with her daughter because she had to stay in hospital for ONE NIGHT for observation when she was born, and how hard it is having a preemie etc, her daughter was 8lbs and healthy as a horse. I think she WANTED something to be wrong with her for sympathy, I know that sounds sick, but she never gave our other friend with a 28 wheeler a shred of compassion. I’ve learned to zone out.

Anyway sorry rant over back to OP, hope you’re feeling a bit better today !

Just to answer a few questions:

1. my MIL knows exactly what that message means. Most people would not because it is a very rare condition but, in agreement with DP, we decided to share that level of details few weeks ago. Hence she does understand exactly as she knew what the possible outcomes would be. She also specifically asked multiple times to keep her updated with the scan, so that was not an unexpected text.

2. diabetes screening was routine and allowed to eat and drink anything beforehand, as per instructions.

3. most people asked "what would I have liked". That's a good question. Something along these lines "I'm sorry it was the bad outcome, try to relax if you can". "I understand you must be worried. Hopefully you will relax a bit". What I found missing, if we really want to dig into it, is the acknowledging my feelings of utter fear and assuming I could just "keep calm".

4. I have not said anything back to her and don't plan to make her feel shit about it. I cried when I read that message and me and DP had a conversation about it where we were disagreeing. Hence the reason for asking the question to people who are neutral to the situation. But I was never planning to make a big deal out of this WITH HER.

To everybody who has shown support, thank you. That has really helped a lot.

She is trying to support you by not being too questioning - read her message keep relaxed

Not dismissive at all. YABU.

36 weeks in only a week premature. I think you are being very harsh on her. What else did you want?

36 weeks and a csection is NOT a “bad outcome”.

I think sometimes you want to unleash your stress on others and expect them to somehow make you feel better.. but it's not possible and the frustration at the situation can mirror on to them. It's not her fault. She probably has no idea what else to say. I realised I used to do this with my extremely complicated pregnancy and when people would say 'it'll be fine' I would want to scream 'HOW DO YOU KNOW' but then realised I've got the issues not them. They had no experience with what I was going through and I shouldn't have expected them to come fix everything.

It was a nice reply. Not sure what you expected really? Then I’m not the type to talk to mil about my cervix

28 wheeler omg, WEEKER

OP I think your level of anxiety sounds really high. Crying over that message is just not normal reaction. Try and stop worrying about other people’s reactions, and creating tension with your DP. You should be a team right now. No one else matters but YOUR family, you and DP and baby. Just try and focus on that.

I don't think she could have replied in a way that wouldn't upset you. Her reply is fine. But after a stressful pregnancy with ds and then later on lots of medical emergencies I know the head space your in now. If it upsets you, please let dh keep his family informed in the best way he feels appropriate without you needing to be involved.

When ds was ill I couldn't cope with my mum's it will be alright attitude and neither me or my husband could cope with his mum's woe is me, how could this happen to me. I kept my dad informed with very similar factual texts which he mostly didn't respond to which is what I needed and the nan dh has next to no relationship with normally passed messages onto his side of the family. You can't control how other people respond to you and probably your reactions to that at the moment so where you can pass the responsibility on to whoever you can and focus on protecting your own mental health.

The reply is fine but I was as unreasonable as you when heavily pregnant and didn’t have your added worries.

I'm sorry that you are having a tough time, OP, but there really is nothing wrong with your MIL's message. Pass the responsibility for updating her on to your DP.

Just to add: the condition is the worry. Not the 36 weeks cesarean. The cesarean might mitigate the condition. But might not. And if it does not, it's a stillbirth.

It’s pretty obvious that your MIL is never going to be able to do or say the right things in your eyes so the poor woman may as well just pack it in now. I’m guessing as time goes on and your child gets sick or some such event you will use her ‘incorrect in your mind - the last in a string of travesties in your eyes’ as an excuse to force a NC or similar.