Mil text reply. Aibu?

[Lalla525]

Bit of background here. We are having a difficult pregnancy. Started with IVF and continued with potential major complications which require an early cesarean.

We did not tell my in-laws any of that until quite recently, when the weekend before lockdown we decided to cancel their visit. We felt we didn't want to add more risk, and therefore wanted to avoid the visit, even if we were not in official lockdown.

To explain the reason, we went on great details about the shit experience we had so far and I made clear that I hate 'dismissive comments' like "all will be fine".

Fast forward today and we go in for the scan which confirms the problem and that we will need to have a premature birth via cesarean. Conversation in the pic attached.

I hate her reply. Feels dismissive. I would much rather have something like
I'm sorry. It's shit. What are next steps? Etc..

My partner think it's a fine answer.

What's your opinion?

Her reply sounds fine to me. I'm sorry you're going through a worrying time but you don't get to dictate how others to respond to that. DH and I have had some testing times recently and MIL texts me semi regularly as DH is rubbish at replying. It tends to be in this kind of vein. I take it as he way of letting me know she's thinking of us rather than dissecting every word.

I've had 2 DC and I don't understand what your text means? What does 'veins are exposed' mean? I mean that genuinely? If there is an issue and you are worried about it, I think you could perhaps explain that a bit more clearly. Your text is quite jargony which your MIL probably doesn't understand. If I received your text, I would think it was a factual update rather than a request for support.

To me your mother in laws reply is totally fine. I think you are massively overthinking it. I know it’s probably your normality but if I’m being truthful your original message is TMI. My own mum probably wouldn’t want to know that much unless I had no-one else to speak to it about.

You sound stressed,and understandably so.

I think you are picking fault with the text for that reason.

Hope all goes ok

I think it's fine

The vast majority of women would find MIL’s response just right.
Cardinal sins that wind people up include:

• Making it all about them: “OMG” I’m not going to be able sleep a wink! Why is this happening to us? It’s just been one thing after another. I just sailed through my pregnancies”
• Treating you as a vessel for the baby “Are they worried about the baby? Is the baby okay?”
• Intrusion implying looking for blame: “Have they said why you are having these problems? Surely chocolate is the last thing you need if they are worried about diabetes. Are you eating plenty of fruit and vegetables? You know excess weight increases risks in delivery .....”

I wonder if your family have a different culture and show solidarity by flapping and fuss, if so your MIL will seem uninterested, but honestly most people would prefere her approach of quiet, respectful support.

Exactly what my MIL would reply. I had a very difficult pregnancy with DD1 and me and my own Mum spoke at length about the details and would pour over them in conversations, texts and over cups of tea. She would have had a long and reassuring answer to a text like that. My MIL on the other hand doesn’t know me hugely well and would have replied something similar. She may have gone into more detail with DH if he outlined the facts but to me she would have just tried to just be upbeat and kind. I think that’s all your MIL is doing. I know it’s a worrying time for you but I don’t think she’s being dismissive, just trying to say/do the right thing. Don’t take it to heart. Good luck OP.

She might have felt that to say "Oh that is awful for you" or something like that, would be unnecessarily hurtful and downbeat. I would, in her position. I'd try to be encouraging, from kindness.

people like different types of reactions and I didn't get what I liked most.

Or you could view it as you passing information on to your MIL which is how the majority see it. Not about expecting the 'right' kind of response back to you, because you can't control that and it's making you unhappy which is avoidable. That sounds like classic overthinking.

I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well OP

I also had very bad pregnancies. With early emergency c sections and spent nearly a year in hospital after my first

Honestly. People really don't know what to say. She said what i would hope.

She's having to tread on eggshells. If someone told me they hate dismissive sentences. Like all will be fine. I'd be so worried about what to say etc.

She's doing the best she can.

I think you’re expecting a lot from people. What do you want her to say ‘omg I’d be shitting it if I were you, I’m crying every time I think about you, god this is so stressful’ ??

Honestly, she probably doesn't understand most of what you've said, apart from the test for diabetes, which you are yourself being flippant about, so why would she worry about that?

I cannot imagine how stressed you are, but don't wind yourself up about this, she's responded kindly.

Pregnancy can make us over sensitive at the best of times. This is not that. Having had fertility treatment, really complicated pregnancies and prem babies, I can understand your worries but MIL is trying to be kind, she probably has no idea what you mean or how yo respond (I wouldn't know what you meant either) shes,s geing kind and supportive. What else can she say? She probably feels uncomfortable dealing personal details with you. Shes just trying to he reassuring.
Fill term pregnancies can deliver naturally at 37weeks so 36 is minimal, especially nowadays. As long as scan shows baby has grown, I font think you need to be worrying. She may ge more aware of this than you especially in pregnancy angst do is just being nice

My two were born well before 36 weeks and incredibly tiny. One stopped growing at 25 weeks. One stopped at 28 weeks

Both did well. It was terrifying. But at least you know what you're in for. Some of us don't have w clue what's going to happen.

With it being planned. You'll have all the doctors. They will have all the notes. Trust me. It's really good that they've found the problems now and are dealing with it

36 weeks is great!!!!!!! I would of done anything in the world to get one of my pregnancies to 36 weeks! Be grateful for all those positives there.

YABU but you are pregnant so completely allowed to be! Just look after yourself and your baby, you will look back and see this for yourselves in years to come but I was exactly the same, especially after all you have been through this baby is incredibly special to you and everything seems a huge deal. You are lucky to have a lively MIL though .

Lovely not lively!

I also agree with others that your referencing comfort eating chocolate reads as though you are wanting to keep it light, so she wouldn’t read it as a plea for a heart to heart.

PS. To that, my MIL would have replied, "Not too much chocolate, you don't want to have a load of weight to lose afterwards!", so count your lucky stars!

What did you want or expect her to say? Maybe a conversation rather than text might give you a better sense of their level of interest and concern. Tbh you are rather oversharing the details now, especially given recent reticence. I suspect they may be as confused as pp.

What your mil said was fine. It sounds as if it wasn’t what you were looking for. However that is not her responsibility. It’s very difficult to support your dil, I imagine, without seeming to be overbearing. There’s a fine line between going ott and perceived indifference. She has captured it well, I think. It sounds as though maybe you wanted a bit of comfort and mummying.

I also use this emoji to means hugs. I was surprised by the comments. In origin, this is a hug emoji and also to also represent jazz hands because Of the gesture. .

If you want her to have empathy for you, you need to show some empathy for her, too.

She's not your mother. She doesn't know you well enough to be able to read your mind. She's aware that there are some things that you don't like people saying, and so she's very aware that she might make a similar mistake. She's going to be a bit on edge. Also you really did go with some very personal information that took her back a bit, and which she didn't quite know where to go with.

So instead she did pretty much the best she could think of and was upbeat but caring and sent a hug. I think she did great.
And please don't go expecting too much of her when the baby arrives. Same applies. You'll know what you want, she won't, and she'll be terrified of putting a foot wrong.

I would have agonised over that text in your MIL's shoes, typed and deleted half a dozen times and probably ended up with something similar in an effort not to say the wrong thing. Even if she hasn't got the tone quite right for what you feel you need right now I think she's trying and you should probably cut her some slack.

I also think you will struggle to get others to see what you perceive as 'wrong' in that message and you need to think about the impact on those relationships of you making a big issue out of it. You have enough on your plate atm, let this one go

You've already told her what the next steps are. So how can she ask a question you've already answered. Come on now.

Nothing wrong with her reply.

It reads to me that MIl is worried but doesnt want to put that on you,so she sent a generic reply.

Maybe she was still trying to take it in and thats the best she could come up with.

I hope everything goes well for you @Lalla525.Sending [hugs] at this trying time.