Mil text reply. Aibu?

[Lalla525]

Bit of background here. We are having a difficult pregnancy. Started with IVF and continued with potential major complications which require an early cesarean.

We did not tell my in-laws any of that until quite recently, when the weekend before lockdown we decided to cancel their visit. We felt we didn't want to add more risk, and therefore wanted to avoid the visit, even if we were not in official lockdown.

To explain the reason, we went on great details about the shit experience we had so far and I made clear that I hate 'dismissive comments' like "all will be fine".

Fast forward today and we go in for the scan which confirms the problem and that we will need to have a premature birth via cesarean. Conversation in the pic attached.

I hate her reply. Feels dismissive. I would much rather have something like
I'm sorry. It's shit. What are next steps? Etc..

My partner think it's a fine answer.

What's your opinion?

I really hope everything turns out well for you all, OP. Sending you and your lovely baby very best wishes x

I’m so sorry you are going through this, especially during this crazy time in the world.

Your message to her didn’t convey your feelings at all. So while she might be able to try and guess how you feel and what you need in response, I think that’s a bad idea and not respectful.

I personally would prefer that type of response though I understand why you wanted more. I think if you want more support from her you have to be more clear about your own feelings.

For me, it causes more stress when people I’m not close to try to emotionally support me through something when I don’t want that from them. It feels like more work for me because then I have to respond to them.

I am thinking your hormones are making you like this. Your MIL is being supportive.

we went on great details about the shit experience we had so far and I made clear that I hate 'dismissive comments' like "all will be fine".

You certainly made it clear to poor old MilL what she is and isn't allowed to say to you! No wonder she sent you bland good wishes, presumably hoping to avoid offending you. Yet you've managed to take offence anyway.

You're having a very difficult time, and I sympathise. But if you want a good relationship with your inlaws, I wouldn't take it out on them.
I hope all goes well for you.

The thing is, you haven't expressed any feelings in your text to her. You just presented bare facts and then you assume a lot to expect she is to know what you are feeling. That she'd mind read to get your feelings. It might be something you often do - you do not express your emotions clearly, you tend to hope that people will notice and provide support. A part of us thinks others can eee/feel/share our strong feelings when in fact they know nothing of what goes on in our heads.
So rather than say your feelings, you might tend to withdraw, or huff, not answer texts or other 'behaviour' things to express your feelings. Or say nothing for days then burst into tears.
If you had said. 'Very worried (sad face)' then she would have come back with something supportive. But your text is like a summary of the weather. Like 'Very strong winds here. Sky is all black' versus 'Tornado warning here, I am very scared actually'. See the difference?

Honestly OP, you told her you don't want 'it'll all be fine' type messages because you hate them so is it not entirely possible she's sent something non committal but warm enough to convey her support as neutrally and in offensively as possible because she's terrified of offending or upsetting you?

I really think you're overthinking this. There's nothing wrong with the message on the surface of it.

And I didn't think it was jazz hands either. It the hug emoji.

I thought that emoji was a hug too! Oops

The thing is, you haven't expressed any feelings in your text to her. You just presented bare facts and then you assume a lot to expect she is to know what you are feeling

That's very true. And I even know why I do it. If I Express the feelings and then get a crappy answer, I will feel very vulnerable and sad. If I do not express feeling and I get a crappy answer, I get pissed off (which is a feeling I do prefer at the moment, as I am feeling vulnerable enough).

But I can see how that's not helping and even counterproductive. Thanks for the thought.

Good luck OP

Honestly, she's expressed more emotion there than you did. And quite frankly, most people wouldn't know what to say.

And as you only explained this to her a couple of weeks ago during a pandemic at a time when we were expected to absorb masses of new information she probably has no idea what the condition is or what your text really means.

If she's googled it then she'll have been worried but reassured by the success rates and won't want to put any pressure on you.

It all sounds hard work, you can't go through life expecting so much from people whilst not giving the same back

I kind of get where you are coming from but it’s how you are choosing to take it.

As someone who has been pregnant 7 times and only has two children it can be hard to stay rational and unemotional when other people can’t possibly understand what you are going through.

My worst comment was also from MIL who said after a late miscarriage I had whilst travelling for work alone in America with a bad haemorrhage - “it’s God’s will”

I never forgave her for it despite the fact she probably believed what she was saying as a devout Catholic.

Try and move on don’t let what you can’t change upset you. And I hope that you end up with a beautiful healthy gorgeous baby.

I think she is doing her best and doesn’t know what to say. Your comment about chocolate made your text a little more lighthearted and she responded accordingly

What did you want? 🤷‍♀️

I always though that was a hug emoji.

I did not know it was jazz hands.

You learn something new everyday!

I’m sorry you’ve been through a thought time. Pregnancy and childbirth are difficult enough as it is without the physical and emotional turmoil of IVF and the prospect of an elective c-section if it wasn’t on the horizon for you initially.
But her reply was kind.
I’ve been in the receiving end of this but not with an inlaw - nothing I said was good enough. If I gave advice, I didn’t know what I was talking about. If I asked questions to show interest I was being nosey. In the end when I gave dismissive comments I was being passive aggressive. Couldn’t win.

Maybe she just wanted to give you space to think it over/talk/cry with your other half?
Maybe she wanted to cry too?

It's a warm response with a follow up that suggests to me that she didn't want to crowd you.

for you op it sounds incredibly stressful and I hope your baby is ok

No way would I have ever shared that amount of medical detail with my mil (or mother). She is being nice, give the poor woman a break and save the gory details for your husband and the medics.

Sorry to say this but, you said... is the acknowledging my feelings of utter fear

Is what you wanted, but you sent her a plain matter of fact clinical text. She couldn't respond any other way but with basic kindness. Had you said, I'm really worried, I'm gutted this is the case... but you didn't.

Having had a high risk pregnancy issue myself last year, dh and I decided to communicate with people on the phone or FaceTime, not text, after each check up so we could get proper support and they could ask questions about the situation.

Move away from text and you'll find the support you need. Something this important perhaps deserved more than a text, don't you think, if you wanted more of a response....

Good luck with the pregnancy 💐

I had my own battles with infertility but finding this reply objectionable is self-absorbed beyond belief.

When I put her two texts together, and especially considering that your initial text was v v unemotional -

Gosh OP you are really quite lucky.

She read your unemotional, factual report type of text, and has still managed to surmise that you are emotional and need to talk about what happened today. She is trying very very gently to let you know she is thinking of you, of your movements today, and that she'd like to listen to you if you need to talk about it.

My own mother wouldn't offer me half of that. I mean that very sincerely.

I hope that through this difficult time in your life, you're able to develop more of an ability to accept love from those who aren't perfect at offering it. In the case of your MIL, she is really doing a close to perfect job on this one. It can't be easy for her at all. (Of course, part of that is that it's not easy for you either - not by a long shot.)

Wishing you only the very best, for yourself and your beautiful baby.

Her reply was sweet. Why say sorry you're going through this? It is shit but you have a plan in place which she now knows. She is right- you should relax.

Nothing wrong with what she said.
It sounds like you despise her. How sad for your unborn

OP, you don’t have to express your exact feelings to everyone about every situation. It’s more normal and healthy I'd say to express them to a very close friend or partner, maybe a sibling, and you are more likely get a more emotionally satisfying response

You're projecting.
You're also determined to find fault with her.
I've met your type many times in my professional life and its a script they all follow...rubbish the MIL. control the partner then divide and conquer.

Her response is perfectly fine. You are being unreasonable !