Mil text reply. Aibu?

[Lalla525]

Bit of background here. We are having a difficult pregnancy. Started with IVF and continued with potential major complications which require an early cesarean.

We did not tell my in-laws any of that until quite recently, when the weekend before lockdown we decided to cancel their visit. We felt we didn't want to add more risk, and therefore wanted to avoid the visit, even if we were not in official lockdown.

To explain the reason, we went on great details about the shit experience we had so far and I made clear that I hate 'dismissive comments' like "all will be fine".

Fast forward today and we go in for the scan which confirms the problem and that we will need to have a premature birth via cesarean. Conversation in the pic attached.

I hate her reply. Feels dismissive. I would much rather have something like
I'm sorry. It's shit. What are next steps? Etc..

My partner think it's a fine answer.

What's your opinion?

It sounds like she can't win either way.
I think the reply is fine. It's supportive and kind. Not dismissive in any way.

I know how terrifying it is to have a premature baby. DD was born at 34 weeks and I was frightened, but we made it through relatively unscathed.

Please don't harbour any anger towards her.

Well, I hope things go all right for you. I appreciate it's a tough time if you're worried about losing your baby.

You should stop reading so much into every emoji. It always end in unnecessary pain. Take it with a pinch of salt. She's being supportive, just take it as such.

You made what could have been interpreted as a light hearted remark about comfort eating chocolate, seems like she replied in the same vein when suggesting you relax. Perhaps she is really worried about you but doesn’t quite know how to say it and doesn’t want to make you feel worse or to make it sound like she is thinking about her own feelings by saying how worried she is.

I suggest that you leave it to your DH to contact her with updates etc as it upsets you, and goodness knows why your Dh is telling you unpleasant things that she has said. He sounds manipulative himself.

WTF did you expect her to say?
"Lovely, please send pic of cervix"

I think it's a perfectly reasonable reply anyway - all the more so given that you've chosen to impart that info by text, rather than a call, AND that you didn't tell her until quite late on in the pregnancy, which she could well feel a bit miffed about.

There is clearly long history that we don't know about.

If she'd been even slightly pessimistic then I suspect you'd be wondering why she couldn't be positive and if she was trying to increase your stress. As a neutral third party I see the reply as trying to be positive

37 weeks is full term in some countries and personally I don't know the significance of the "veins exposed and Mm from cervix" bit.

I'm sorry that you've had a tough pregnancy

Suspect she thinks the jazz hands are a hug.

They are aren’t they?!

Tbh, I think that you are catastrophising. You come across as being very anxious. Your language is very negative. For example, you appear to equate rare with dangerous, a c section at 36 weeks with a premature birth and say that it 'might be ok' but 'might result in a still birth'. Yet, I would imagine that the odds are actually far brighter than you think that they are. It is hard dealing with anxiety/hormones and a difficult pregnancy. Have you sought additional mental health help from a consultant? If not, I would strongly recommend that route. Talk to your midwife, if you've not done so already.

I don't think it's dismissive, I think it's just a friendly response to say she's received and read your message, and there isn't really anything meaningful she can say apart from sending good wishes, which she's done.

I would have no idea what "veins are exposed and a few mm from cervix" implied, or whether that's good or bad news or neither. Perhaps she doesn't either.

Think you're being a little bit over sensitive here.

& maybe she thinks you're not that bothered because your response to being tested for diabetes is to stuff chocolate.

She sounds grateful for the update tbh.

My first child was born at 34 weeks. I had pre eclampsia. It was an emergency. You know what he was 5 pounds and 10z. Now he is nearly 6ft and eats me out of house and home.
Your MILs comments are fine.

Not sure id know what to say about the cervix etc though!!!!!!!!!!

Just for curiosity sake - Unprompted by me (and I bet DP didn't either as he is sound asleep) a new message came through (attached). I feel this second message to be much more supportive and kind than the previous one (so yes, there is something she says that I do like and appreciate).

I guess DP told me that because we have share a lot of info and details. We talk quite a lot. Also, he knew I would not react too badly about it, so did feel it was safe. I don't think he should have kept it from me out of principle, and I dont think it impacted the way i feel/felt about her texts.

Just to say, OP: I had my first born at 36 weeks. I had a 'complicated' pregnancy, so had the injection to mature his lungs, but other than being a bit furry when he was born (babies loose their 'fur' in the last few weeks, he was perfect, just a little on the small side. we did lots of skin to skin and kangaroo care (aka me sitting with him on my chest whilstdh ran about bringing me drinks and food!) to get breastfeeding established and help him regulate temperature, but he probably didn't need it. He's 16 now, and has just come in to offer to cooking lasagne for our tea, so he's turned out OK :-) I hope your baby will do just as well. I'm not going to comment on your MIL question, as I suspect you've had enough answers and you seem to be taking things on board with unusual grace!

Get a grip, looks like your mil is trying to be kind and encourage you to relax and de-stress. You could be the unlucky enough to have a mil who didn’t give a toss. Count your blessings, best wishes for a safe birth & enjoy your new baby.

But you did react badly about it, your dh telling you what his mum says?

Why do you need support from her when you have your DP and parents? I think you need to accept her for who she is, not who you want her to be.

Op you are making a problem out of nothing.

Your poor mother in law

Looks exactly like the response I’d get from my mum. Perfectly fine.

She sounds lovely. You sound like someone looking for a fight.

She probably didn't want to disturb you while you were out and getting poked and prodded. Also -
There's no way to prevent vasa previa. But if it can be diagnosed before delivery, then with proper management the chances of survival for the baby are excellent. In some cases, vasa previa may resolve during pregnancy.

Poor woman can't win.

You can't go through life expecting people to respond in exactly the way you would prefer.
You do know other people have different thoughts feelings and communication styles to you, and that's ok.

Just because you're anxious and pregnant doesn't mean your mil can read your mind.
She was trying to be generally nice. That's enough.

I predict unnecessary family conflict when this baby arrives.