Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Mil text reply. Aibu?

499 replies

Lalla525 · 17/04/2020 13:16

Bit of background here. We are having a difficult pregnancy. Started with IVF and continued with potential major complications which require an early cesarean.

We did not tell my in-laws any of that until quite recently, when the weekend before lockdown we decided to cancel their visit. We felt we didn't want to add more risk, and therefore wanted to avoid the visit, even if we were not in official lockdown.

To explain the reason, we went on great details about the shit experience we had so far and I made clear that I hate 'dismissive comments' like "all will be fine".

Fast forward today and we go in for the scan which confirms the problem and that we will need to have a premature birth via cesarean. Conversation in the pic attached.

I hate her reply. Feels dismissive. I would much rather have something like
I'm sorry. It's shit. What are next steps? Etc..

My partner think it's a fine answer.

What's your opinion?

Mil text reply. Aibu?
OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Chewbecca · 17/04/2020 17:12

Your MIL’s reply is perfectly normal for the majority of people, it could be 100x worse, this is you wishing everyone was the same as you, communicated like you, but you just can’t control other people’s behaviour/reaction/communication.

pigoons · 17/04/2020 17:12

OP I don't think anyone can really understand what you are going through at the moment unless they have been there or in a very similar situation. I very nearly lost my baby shortly after birth, despite it being a very straightforward pregnancy and birth. Most friends /family even hadn't a clue what to say and their responses were pretty poor as a result. Only 2-3 very close friends were able to talk to me properly, and only me and DH really know how awful and scary that week in hospital was and how it led to a lot more long term worry.

I hope things turn out OK for you and please bear in mind that even if peopler a bit rubbish in what they say it doesn't mean they don't care. My husband was much better at seeing this at the time - I was hurting too much.

SociallyDistant · 17/04/2020 17:17

I don't think she could have replied in a way that wouldn't upset you this. I understand you are going through a stressful and worrying time, not only with your pregnancy complications but with the backdrop of this awful pandemic, but you seem to be looking for offence here. I imagine, from your comment about possible comments from friends, that you are often disappointed in people. Here's a bit of advice that I took on board a few years ago and it really helps me deal with disappointment in others - 'lower your expectations'.

Hippofrog · 17/04/2020 17:17

36 weeks is only one week before “term” it’s not really premature (for info I had a baby at 29weeks in case I get jumped on)

Desolate2nite · 17/04/2020 17:20

I thought the emoji was a hug

SallyWD · 17/04/2020 17:21

Sometimes people just don't know what to say when faced with serious issues like this. I think her response was warm and loving and probably the best she could come up with. Try and cut her some slack. I wish you all the very best with your pregnancy.

Pineappletree33 · 17/04/2020 17:23

I actually think that’s quite a nice reply. Not interfering but interested.

Bringer · 17/04/2020 17:25

Just think, OP - if your baby is a boy, one day you will be the bitch MIL who can't get anything right. Yay!

copycopypaste · 17/04/2020 17:25

Sounds like she wasn't too sure what to say so went with a generic nice reply. I'm not seeing the problem with it tbh

Thisismytimetoshine · 17/04/2020 17:25

I don't plan to make her feel shit about it
As if you could Confused. It's a perfectly normal, reasonable reply. You response really, really isn't.

SpillTheTea · 17/04/2020 17:26

After your update, I don't think your MIL can do anything right and you don't seem to like her. She sounds like she was trying to be nice.

Original poster
Lalla525 · 17/04/2020 17:30

Thanks all for the support and, in spite of the thread being about a text message, I'm really grateful for the support I received about the current difficult situation I am in and the good wishes.

It's shit, and I'm worried sick about losing my baby. And can't do anything about it. And yes, anxiety and stress are very high at the moment.

For people who asked - the condition is vasa praevia.

However, I think there are a few good takeaways from this thread. I do indeed expect a lot from others. This is very true. I do expect a lot from myself too. Probably neither attitude is particularly healthy.

I think my way of writing (and maybe even speaking) is not very reflective of the way I feel or the emotion I want to convey. Many people commented on my text and my replies here saying I was rude or the like. As it was not my intention, I really must be doing something wrong.

I don't dislike my MIL. There has been an occasion where my DP told me something she said which was very unpleasant, but she has never been unpleasant towards me directly. My DP thinks she is manipulative and will use any information as an ammunition, hence he tends to share extremely little. I think that, regardless of what we share, she has no real ammunition or control over us, so no point really in all the secrecy he generally wants.

I guess most of the criticism here comes from the fact that she is MIL. But her status does not make the reply better or worse. I am in a very sensitive and precarious state and trying to shield myself from anything which has the potential to hurt me. Hence why I did not share it with friends and I would have not shared with them either, in different circumstances.

I am really grateful for the supportive messages. Those have really helped me as I have not had many recently (aside from my DP and parents, but they are more on the practical side rather than the emotional side).

OP posts:
MissHoskins · 17/04/2020 17:32

That was one hell of a drip feed. I've no comment to make about your AIBU.
I hope you and your husband have the best possible outcome of this difficult and much longed for pregnancy.

Malvinaa81 · 17/04/2020 17:32

You feel sensitive due to all the past history- unshared with her.

One wonders whether any reply no matter what was said would have been acceptable to you.

Not the subject matter for texts- as you have discovered.

Annamaria14 · 17/04/2020 17:33

What on earth is wrong with her reply? It is perfectly nice.

It is strange how people look for things to be offended by.

thecatsthecats · 17/04/2020 17:33

OP - Really well done on being reflective and accepting of the messages here, even if it will take you time to assimilate them.

It takes a lot to do that.

FinnefanFox · 17/04/2020 17:35

Nothing wrong with her reply, Yabu

Diyhaircutgonewrong · 17/04/2020 17:37

there is nothing wrong with her reply at all.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 17/04/2020 17:38

I've had my own infertility battle too, and was treated disgustingly by my MiL and particularly my SiL after the messiest and most painful of my various miscarriages. This, also, was personal information about me which I'd have much rather they didn't have. So I do understand your feeling sensitive about the situation.

I'm not seeing your MiL's text in the context of her general behaviour toward you. But I also see nothing wrong with her response at all.

I hope the remainder of your pregnancy goes as smoothly as possible.

Josette77 · 17/04/2020 17:39

Why is your DH sharing unpleasant things she says about you to you? That sounds more manipulative on his part.

What she said was fine. I think it's sad you feel you can't share with friends. It does sound like you have high expectations of people and thin skin. Good luck with your pregnancy and beautiful baby. 💕

Sarah510 · 17/04/2020 17:39

OP some people cant or wont empathise. I have a friend like that - it used to drive me mad but I'm used to it now. For instance I had to have an emergency hysterectomy on ds, and her texts were just so dismissive - to me. I realise she didn't mean it. then my niece had to have chemo and operations for brain tumours - she is 8. Friend said things like 'isn't it amazing what they can do, isn't it great she can have treatment', just no acknowledgement of how shit it all was. I've realised some people are just like this. No use wanting more from them. GOod luck with the birth and all,

Likethebattle · 17/04/2020 17:42

I think that sounds like a nice text.

limpbizkit · 17/04/2020 17:42

Bloody hell you've completely turned a well intentioned text into something it's really not. It sounds like you want her to be someone she's not. She's not a counsellor

EarringsandLipstick · 17/04/2020 17:44

I'm sorry OP, I can imagine that you would be worried.

However as they've diagnosed the condition, and plan a section, all should be fine? The risk as I understand it is if the membranes rupture before the section, which shouldn't happen if the section is planned for 36 weeks. 💐

JKScot4 · 17/04/2020 17:45

What I found missing, if we really want to dig into it, is the acknowledging my feelings of utter fear and assuming I could just "keep calm
I think you’re going way over the top.
I cried when I read that message
What do you want? her weeping and wailing?