Mil text reply. Aibu?

[Lalla525]

Bit of background here. We are having a difficult pregnancy. Started with IVF and continued with potential major complications which require an early cesarean.

We did not tell my in-laws any of that until quite recently, when the weekend before lockdown we decided to cancel their visit. We felt we didn't want to add more risk, and therefore wanted to avoid the visit, even if we were not in official lockdown.

To explain the reason, we went on great details about the shit experience we had so far and I made clear that I hate 'dismissive comments' like "all will be fine".

Fast forward today and we go in for the scan which confirms the problem and that we will need to have a premature birth via cesarean. Conversation in the pic attached.

I hate her reply. Feels dismissive. I would much rather have something like
I'm sorry. It's shit. What are next steps? Etc..

My partner think it's a fine answer.

What's your opinion?

I'm very sorry you're having a difficult/dangerous pregnancy that has some serious medical concerns.

But even with your updates, you're being incredibly unfair about your MIL. It really does sound like she can't win and she knows it, so is trying to be brief and positive and loving without overstepping.

You cant have it both ways - people will support you the best they know how to. You don't get to dictate how other people react. Keep eating the chocolate. Hormones are a pure bugger, maybe get out for a walk to clear your head?

I can understand why you don't like the message. It does read a little dismissive.
I wouldn't waste anymore energy on it though.
Focus on you, DH and baby.
It was probably well intentioned but not really what you need right now.
Take care, sending lots of love and strength your way. X

Her reply is absolutely fine! Do you want a sorry about your veins type reply?

FYI that’s a weird level of detail to share with people!

Ok I suppose I'd shate with my sister and close friends as well as MIL and dm if it had been me. But everyone has different dynamics with people.

I hope you'll be ok. You sound very vulnerable right now. Can you talk to midwife?

Your update explains why you're so stressed at the moment, and I really hope that all goes well for you.

I imagine that you misreading that text as uncaring (to the point of making you cry) is a sign of that stress. In a way, I hope so, because otherwise I feel that your relationship with your MIl is going to be unnecessarily fraught.

But you and MIL are not the same person - she isn't going through what you are - I don't understand why you'd be offended by anyone, let alone your MIL saying what she's said - she's replied to say thanks for letting her know - she's telling you to calm down in a roundabout way I guess, but it appears it needed to be said. Try and chill and stop looking behind words for alternative meanings.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with her reply in my opinion.

It's a very beige response, presumably because she's awkward and doesn't want to upset you. And she's not your mum...

It get it. It comes across as though she hasn’t really listened (well, read in this case) to what you’ve told her and has just sent back a sort generic reply. It doesn’t acknowledge the feelings you’ve tried to convey to her, or the facts that you’ve told her. It could be a reply to anything! This sort of reply would annoy me too.

Seriously?!🙄 Fuck sake I was expecting something else. What exactly do you WANT her to say? In her situation I'd be saying the exact same because what else is there? Do you want her to ask how dark your veins are? Ask about the exact time or month of your c section? What? 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP

Here's your problem. You don't like her. So your message was clipped and reserved. She's trying to appear grateful and supportive regime respecting the lack of emotions in your message. The allusion to comfort eating isn't a direct enough reference to feelings to be an invitation for her to respond emotionally and you've already made it clear you don't want her to have any part of this by leaving her out of it until you absolutely had to tell her.

You're being incredibly unreasonable but you have every excuse. Stop texting her. If you want to build bridges, call her and use proper words like 'I'm scared' if that's the message you want her to respond to. Although you've told her how you want people to respond already which is enough to make most of us walk on eggshells.

while not regime

The reply is fine OP. But why are you eating chocolate if you are having the test for gestational diabetes? Surely you can try and do the best for your baby and give up the chocolate for a while. I developed gd with my second daughter but was given a diet to follow first before I went on insulin for the last 3 weeks of pregnancy. Another lady in the clinic was able to avoid insulin just by following the diet alone.

It’s a nice response. She doesn’t have any medical knowledge to say anything especially helpful so what did you want her to say?

Better to speak to her than text. Many people send texts that seem dismissive. Its not a medium that is good for feelings . If you are worried or frightened, she cannot hear this in a text you need to be more personal, You dont have to give loads of detail, just say it is a worrying time and the baby has to be delivered early. I think you took the wrong tack and then got offended. She might be upset you told her these things by text, I would be

I think mils are damned if they do and damned if they don't. Some people just won't know how to respond to certain things and that's ok. Her message was a bit nicey nice and brushed over things but it was polite. Sometimes I think we take things a certain way depending on our relationship with that person. If someone else had said it like that would you have been so put out?

Op, you don't get to dictate how people respond to you. And you then can't get upset at them for meeting your incredibly high standards. That's not how people interact and if you keep that mindset up you will lose a lot of friends.

Most posters on here have been supportive, whereas you have been rude and dismissive of their replies because it's not what you want. For the record, being pregnant is not a free pass to treat people badly and YABU. I feel bad for your MIL as she probably can't win either way.

I am sorry to hear about your difficult pregnancy and I really wish you all the best and hope everything turns out OK.

So, I read the txts before reading your OP and I was baffled as to what the problem was. I know that c-sections are major surgery so that carries a risk, but I wasn't sure about the risks of the baby being born at 36 weeks. Minimal I think?

Dismissive would have been "Ah, don't worry, everything will be fine".

I have a sister like that. I love her dearly and she is sweet, but I do not rely on her for any emotional support at all (I'm lucky I have three sisters).

You didn't say you were worried so it might have looked a bit weird if your MIL really doesn't realise. I don't know the significance of veins being exposed - I presume it's not ideal, but it is very specific detail.

I hope all goes well for you OP.

I'm sorry that your pregnancy has been complicated and a worrying time.

However, I think her reply is absolutely fine and followed by a ? hug emoji.
You have said that you and DP had deliberately not shared things were her and that this is the usual basis of your relationship. It seems reasonable to conclude that you are not particularly close to her and that she is not usually someone you turn to for emotional support. You have other people for that. You have sent a very factual message without anything personal at all and she has actually responded with a more affectionate one. I think you are being unfair and unrealistic to expect something different when you and your DP have set the tone here and are not close to her.

I can understand that you would have preferred a more detailed and wordy text response.
But maybe she doesn't do those. Maybe she's a "short and sweet" message sort of person.
You like to empathise with others' feelings, but you're not showing that you're so good with empathising with others' ways of doing things, when it's different from yours.

I think there's also maybe an element of "well what CAN she say?" because in reality, there isn't much. You've already give the detail, she knows the situation, and maybe she just doesn't really know what else to say.

I think in this instance your DH is more correct about it than you are, but you're allowed to blame pg hormones and your natural fear of a less-good outcome for colouring your feelings.

I cannot imagine the worry you are going through about what could happen. You are allowed to feel how you feel, don't let people tell you otherwise. You are also allowed to be emotional and cry at messages. Pregnancy messes with hormones and you have added worries on top!

Your mil could have been more thoughtful - I didn't have a baby with big medical issues (just identical twin worries) and didn't relax the whole pregnancy, if there had been medical issues as well I'd have been a wreck.

36 weeks is premature. It is a medical term. Just because someone else had a baby born earlier does not invalidate this or any worry about what your baby's prematurity might bring. Someone else having something worse does not ever invalidate how you feel in your situation.

xx

I think your MIL's response is fine and agree with others that you are probably reading more into it because you are anxious.
Sometimes it is difficult to know what to respond in these situations and you have openly said that you have kept details from her so maybe she doesn't realise how hard things have been for you because of this. What would you have rather she said?! I would just take a breather and stop trying to make an issue out of, quite frankly, a nice message.

Jesus Christ - what’s so bad about the response??