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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this a normal financial arrangement for a married couple?

141 replies

HarlinRay · 17/04/2020 11:12

My husband and I are buying a house finally (unoccupied, no need to move until after lockdown as our current lease doesn't expire until October) for cash. We have a shared bank account for household expenses, but separate bank accounts/ISAs/investments. 60% of the money for the house is from my husband's named accounts and 40% is from mine. I assumed we would have a joint tenancy, but he has just said he would rather have a tenancy in common with a percentage interest in the property of 60/40 to reflect our respective investments, with wills to state that we would inherit the other's share. He has said that if we were to divorce, that it's only fair that we only get the percentage we put in upon selling the house or if one of us buys the other out.

I am honestly a little shocked and I'm not sure how to feel about this. Just as a bit of background

-we've been married nearly 15 years
-90% or more of the money we both have has been earned during our marriage (no inheritances or anything like that)
-we both work full time. For most of the first half of our marriage he earned twice as much as me, but I've nearly caught up now
-No living children. Our daughter died at 18 months old near the beginning of our marriage and we were never able to have more children.
-He saves more than me each month, but I pay for almost all of the household expenses, bills, subscriptions, holidays, and council tax (we split the rent). This has always been the case even when I earned much less than he did. I never thought twice about it because I thought he was saving for us, not for himself.

I think I assumed that legally, money earned during the marriage was 'matrimonial assets' (or something similar) but I've been consulting google and there seems to be conflicting information.

So I guess my question has two parts - is this even legal, and would it stand up if we divorced? Not just the house - but our pensions, savings, etc (he has twice as much in savings and investments as I do) And on a non-legal basis, is this normal for married couples who are buying a home together?

OP posts:

BlingLoving · 17/04/2020 11:16

He saves more than me each month, but I pay for almost all of the household expenses, bills, subscriptions, holidays, and council tax (we split the rent). This has always been the case even when I earned much less than he did. I never thought twice about it because I thought he was saving for us, not for himself.

So your entire marriage YOU have paid more of the joint expenses each month, even though you earned less? Right there, I'm shocked.

And now, because he has a) earned more and b) had fewer expenditures he has saved more than you and wants to ensure he continues to benefit from that savings in the case of a divorce?

And you've been together 15 years but he's still worrying about divorce?

I'm sorry OP, this all sounds beyond weird to me. I don't understand how either of you allowed this situation to develop in the first place and can only assume naïveté on your part and coldly calculating behaviour on his.

I'm also very very sorry for your loss.

Pleasedontdrawonyoursister · 17/04/2020 11:16

He is BU and I wouldn’t stand for that at all. You’re an established partnership. I would remind him of how much you’ve paid out over the years for the bills and suggest he reconsiders.

BlingLoving · 17/04/2020 11:17

I'd be inclined to point out that as you've been paying more for 15 years, as he n ow wants everything to be "fair" you'd like him to please reimburse you for the large amounts of money you paid out over the years.

TooDamnSarky · 17/04/2020 11:17

If the only reason that he is paying in more is that he hasn't been pulling his weight on everyday expenses then this is utterly bonkers.

Serenity45 · 17/04/2020 11:19

I'm not sure about the legal position, but I'd be shocked too. It sounds like you have facilitated him building up more savings by covering more household costs?

I wouldn't be happy about this at all and would wonder about his motivation. For context, I've been with DH 10 years married for 6. No kids. When we met we both owned properties (with mortgages) though mine was worth significantly more. DH (who was only DP then!) offered to have a deed of trust / tenants in common reflecting the fact that I was putting most of the deposit down whjen we bought our first property. I declined because I trusted him and wanted us to be a partnership of equals. I was also earning more at the time.

Fast forward to our 3rd house move and DH earning almost double what I do and we are still equals in terms of the property and finances.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this position and I know I haven't been able to give definitive advice but your sense of something being 'off' is not an overreaction at all.

Tiredoutteacher2020 · 17/04/2020 11:20

I don't think the 60:40 is a massive issue. What is a big issue is that he only managed to save more towards this by paying for less things. That's not fair and needs rectified.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 17/04/2020 11:21

Are the household bills split proportionately to income?
If not, how are they they shared.

You may need to do a full financial review. If he wants to be strict on asset splits then you can be strict on bill splits. If you have been paying more than your fair share tell him either he splits the house 50:50 or he reimburses you his underpayment plus any lost investment income or interest.

Kastanien · 17/04/2020 11:22

Sorry about your DD

When we bought our house I was earning less than DH, I still am, but we were a couple and were buying the house together. We own it 50/50. He paid more of the initial deposit but since then an inheritance on my side meant I was able to pay off a large chunk of the mortgage, so it has evened out now.

Sorry OP he does not sound like he thinks you are his wife, he is treating you like a business partner.

NailsNeedDoing · 17/04/2020 11:22

I think it’s fine for the house to be arranged as your husband suggests, but it is not fine for you to be paying more of the bills than he is. That’s completely unfair and you should pay 50/50, then what you do with what’s leftover is up to you.

OhClover · 17/04/2020 11:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1493413286 · 17/04/2020 11:23

Considering that he has the savings because you paid more that is incredibly unfair and very sneaky. I’d be thinking differently of him to be fair. I put 80% of our deposit into our house due to inheritance and we decided just to buy it jointly rather than tenants in common as we’re a married couple; there will be times when each of us puts more into the mortgage. We agreed that I will get my deposit back if we divorce and due to other circumstances I trust him on that.

Lippy1234 · 17/04/2020 11:23

House should be 50/50, a joint tenancy and that’s it. Any savings your H has are joint as you are married.

gamerchick · 17/04/2020 11:25

-He saves more than me each month, but I pay for almost all of the household expenses, bills, subscriptions, holidays, and council tax (we split the rent). This has always been the case even when I earned much less than he did. I never thought twice about it because I thought he was saving for us, not for himself

You need to have this ^^ conversation with him and if he still holds the same view then he can stick his house and you'll carry on renting. The bills will be divvied out proportional to income to enable you to save so each of you can go properly on a mortgage.

DdraigGoch · 17/04/2020 11:26

I could understand you being tenants in common if you had children. This would mean that if one of you died and the other remarried, your children wouldn't lose their inheritance to the new partner. But you don't have children so that doesn't apply.

I could understand a 60/40 split if it was a newish relationship. But you've been married for 15 years so you should be well past the point where you worry about who pays more into the household.

Hamsterian · 17/04/2020 11:29

I’m sorry about your little girl 🌸
I don’t think that’s a fair arrangement at all, and would be quite upset. Especially at him saving for himself and not for you both as a couple. And at your expense! That’s wrong.

DowntonCrabby · 17/04/2020 11:29

I agree it’s not the 60/40 issue, it’s the inequality over 15 YEARS OF MARRIAGE

PlanDeRaccordement · 17/04/2020 11:30

YANBU
The only reason it’s 60/40 on the house is because you’ve paid a higher % of the living expenses over the years. 60/40 on the house is legal, and normal for some married couples but in your case I think it is hugely unfair.
I guess I would refuse and ask for 50/50 on the premise that he was only able to save more because you covered his share of many expenses for 15yrs.
If that fails, then say, ok to 60/40 on house but that is also going to be the split for all household bills- mortgage, council tax, utilities, repairs, maintenance, upgrades, garden/landscaping for the entire time you jointly own the house. It would not be fair for it to be just the deposit.
That would mean, you can now save more than him and you can just put tons of money away into your savings and pension accounts.

raspberryk · 17/04/2020 11:32

I think I'd be pointing out that he owed 15 years of those household expenses and rent at whatever ratio he out earned you. You'll probably find you will have put more in so you can adjust accordingly and own more of what's put in.
Sounds like he's had this all planned out though for years.

Scarydinosaurs · 17/04/2020 11:32

Can you work out exactly what you’ve spent each month on bills? And then say you want to have that reimbursed out of his savings and then you will be 50/50...

It sounds to me like he wants to divorce in the future.

HollowTalk · 17/04/2020 11:33

I'm so sorry you lost your daughter.

He's completely unreasonable. If you'd brought different sums into the marriage that would be one thing but this is money earned within the marriage so it's completely different.

What's your goal? Are you happy to stay with him?

clarification · 17/04/2020 11:33

OO, you sound lovely and I can only imagine how you must feel with him turning round to you and saying this after 15 years!

Of course, everything would count as matrimonial assets. Don’t let anyone persuade you otherwise.

Why were you paying the bills all those years while he saved? This is crazy enough, without this nonsense about splitting the house 60/40.

The only scenario K void envisage where all the bills came out of one person’s account, would be where the non-bill account was basically a savings account for both of you.

Is your DH a lunatic? Seriously?

However, this is MN and so no doubt you’ll be told that you should expect to live as a single woman within a marriage and never expect a penny from your husband in any shape or form.

Don’t listen to any of it.

There is a new law that you can go and stay with a friend if your DH is intolerable. Maybe you could do this?

DO NOT be manipulated by this man.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 17/04/2020 11:34

Tenants in common, there will be issues if one of you dies. Joint tenants the survivor gets the house

mindutopia · 17/04/2020 11:35

Not at all normal or fair. A marriage should be equal. It’s part of the deal.

Dh and I are in the middle of buying our first house. He’s putting £40,000 in and I’m putting in £225,000. If we divorce, it should be divided 50/50 because we’re a team. We also have joint investments. I have no idea how much each of us has invested over the years (I expect dh more than me), but it doesn’t really matter to me.

You should be paying your monthly expenses proportionate to your incomes though and each saving as you can. But I wouldn’t be comfortable treating joint investments in a marriage as if they were already spliced up ready for divorce.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 17/04/2020 11:36

Whatever happened to "whats mine is yours" and "with all my worldly good I thee endow.?
Not much of a marriage partnership eh?

vinoelle · 17/04/2020 11:36

EXACTLY what @BlingLoving said

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