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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a normal financial arrangement for a married couple?

141 replies

HarlinRay · 17/04/2020 11:12

My husband and I are buying a house finally (unoccupied, no need to move until after lockdown as our current lease doesn't expire until October) for cash. We have a shared bank account for household expenses, but separate bank accounts/ISAs/investments. 60% of the money for the house is from my husband's named accounts and 40% is from mine. I assumed we would have a joint tenancy, but he has just said he would rather have a tenancy in common with a percentage interest in the property of 60/40 to reflect our respective investments, with wills to state that we would inherit the other's share. He has said that if we were to divorce, that it's only fair that we only get the percentage we put in upon selling the house or if one of us buys the other out.

I am honestly a little shocked and I'm not sure how to feel about this. Just as a bit of background

-we've been married nearly 15 years
-90% or more of the money we both have has been earned during our marriage (no inheritances or anything like that)
-we both work full time. For most of the first half of our marriage he earned twice as much as me, but I've nearly caught up now
-No living children. Our daughter died at 18 months old near the beginning of our marriage and we were never able to have more children.
-He saves more than me each month, but I pay for almost all of the household expenses, bills, subscriptions, holidays, and council tax (we split the rent). This has always been the case even when I earned much less than he did. I never thought twice about it because I thought he was saving for us, not for himself.

I think I assumed that legally, money earned during the marriage was 'matrimonial assets' (or something similar) but I've been consulting google and there seems to be conflicting information.

So I guess my question has two parts - is this even legal, and would it stand up if we divorced? Not just the house - but our pensions, savings, etc (he has twice as much in savings and investments as I do) And on a non-legal basis, is this normal for married couples who are buying a home together?

OP posts:
PineappleDanish · 17/04/2020 12:09

Normal married couples share.

Stompythedinosaur · 17/04/2020 12:09

I would say that's neither normal nor fair. I can't understand professing to love someone but wanting to preserve a higher standard of living for yourself at their expense.

If that's your dh's perspective, then you need to work out from previous bills what family expenses you have paid for over the last year and multiply this by the years you have been together and ask to be repaid 50%. Then ask to find a lower value property that you can afford 50% of.

He's a dickhead and thinking about protecting himself - you need to protect yourself too.

Walkaround · 17/04/2020 12:10

I’m really sorry to hear about your daughter, HarlinRay. Your dh is being an absolute twat, though. You are both married - you share everything equally, end of of discussion - unless he is asking you for a divorce now, of course, in which case don’t buy a house with the silly man.

BabyItsAWildWorld · 17/04/2020 12:12

I would have made the same assumption as you OP : it doesn't matter who pays what as it's all one pot at the end of the day.

I would not want to have a conversation with my DH showing him how much I contribute, but looks like you're going to have to.

yikesanotherbooboo · 17/04/2020 12:14

BabyItsAWildWorld i totally agree. Again and again there are threads on here where married women are penalised because they have lower earnings whether or not they have sacrificed their careers to facilitate their husband's. Earning more money is just a factor of the type of job you do it doesn't carry a moral value or entitle you as a partner to more of the joint rewards ( if that makes sense) . OP your DH has got this wrong.

HedgehogHotel · 17/04/2020 12:14

I'm shocked. Your paying for more of everything, even when you werre earning less, enabled him to save for both of you. And now he want to claim those savings for himself.

I'd actually divorce someone who had this attitude and take back every fucking pence that was mine.

BabyItsAWildWorld · 17/04/2020 12:15

So sorry to hear about your little girl Harlinray xx

Rainbowqueeen · 17/04/2020 12:18

Not normal at all
I’d be suggesting a switch so that he pays all the bills etc for the next 15 years and you hold off buying a house until you are in a position to go 50/50. See what he says to that

MamaCoco123 · 17/04/2020 12:19

Wow I'm really shocked at this OP, having seen your update I'm really not surprised that you assumed that as the bills you cover benefit you both that you assumed the savings he was putting to one side would also benefit you both.

If you were paying for council tax plus all household bills that must be hundreds per month! I think I also read that you said you paid for holidays too? You should definitely try to add up how much this costs you per year x 15+ years and say if this is how he is playing it then he owes you 50% of that amount out of his savings.

Purpletigers · 17/04/2020 12:19

Not normal and I say that as someone who keeps separate day to day finances .
Sorry for your loss x

MashedPotatoBrainz · 17/04/2020 12:20

Our house is owned 50:50 and I've never paid a penny towards it.

PubsClubsMinistryOfSound · 17/04/2020 12:21

In respect of married couples generally, sometimes they do have somewhat separate finances. But it's probably less common than in cohabitants purely because if you want to keep your money apart from your partner, marrying them makes that harder. Not while you're still together, but if you split up.

In respect of your situation, it fucking stinks if your husband has been able to save more due to you paying more than your share of household bills. There are arguments about whether 50/50 or proportional split is more desirable when both parties work full time, and I can see some legitimacy on both sides. What's not ok is the lower earner paying more!

Firsttimelottie · 17/04/2020 12:23

I'd be furious.

I wouldn't agree to it.

Has he forgotten that you've paid far more than he has for house expenses and holidays? Did he really assume that some of the money he saved wasn't because of you?!

boylovesmeerkats · 17/04/2020 12:24

What?!? No way! Should be joint tenancy and remind him of his marriage vows ffs.

My husband put way more into our house than me but sadly I'm not lucky enough to have a rich grandma. We both work our asses off, for him to one day claim our joint life and assets are more his I would be so insulted!

cabbageking · 17/04/2020 12:25

I would consider that you contribute to bills on the same basis and pay this into the joint account at 40%.

Why would the idea of divorce after 15 years even come up would be my question? I would query his commitment myself?

BabyItsAWildWorld · 17/04/2020 12:25

You know I wouldn't be giving my DH a breakdown of what I'd spent.

I'd be so pissed off I'd probably say:

Oh right, I'd thought this marriage thing was a 50/50 team. We obviously have discovered we have fundementally different views of marriage. We should get divorced.
Oh look the law agrees with me, you'll have to give me 50% of assets anyway.
What do you want to do now Dickhead?

thenightsky · 17/04/2020 12:27

his savings would benefit us both just like me paying the council tax and the power bill benefited us both

That was my exact first thought when I read the OP!

peachgreen · 17/04/2020 12:29

What an absolute shit. I'm so sorry OP

peachgreen · 17/04/2020 12:29

And I'm so sorry about your daughter.

Sexnotgender · 17/04/2020 12:31

I’ll also add, for information. We live in a beautiful house provided as part of DH’s job. At no point has he assumed that absolved him of paying any other bills!

myohmywhatawonderfulday · 17/04/2020 12:31

I think your instinct is correct.

You might have a separate 'spending on what you want' accounts. I can see that, even though I don't have one in my family.

I would say that the salaries go into the pot, living expenses come out of the pot and all savings are joint.

Over the course of my marriage sometimes I have earned more, sometimes he has earned more and that is part of the the ebb and flow of it all.

SunshineCake · 17/04/2020 12:33

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter and that you weren't able to have more childrenFlowers.

Everyone has said it but don't follow one posters advice and show him this thread. He won't change because we've all said what a twat he is.

He doesn't see you as a team for life so I suggest you do the same.

Dh comes from a family with savings and for the time I've been at home I've not brought any money in but my contribution is just as valid as dh at work and I'd argue more as it enabled him to earn more.

Good luck with the talk but I'd put protections in place first.

RandomLondoner · 17/04/2020 12:40

I think having a pro-rata split (in house ownership or at divorce settlement) is reasonable, where no-one has given up earnings for the sake of the family. But in measuring each persons contributions, you need to measure (a) their contribution to joint expenses as well as (b) their savings.

(What people have earned is irrelevant, if it shows up in an account of their savings or spending contributions it will be counted, if it doesn't, because they've spent it on themselves, it will rightly not be counted.)

FinallyHere · 17/04/2020 12:41

So your entire marriage YOU have paid more of the joint expenses each month, even though you earned less? Right there, I'm shocked.

Oh wow. Just wow.

I didn't quite believe it when I read it first. Now, I really am shocked.

do a full financial review.

This, back to the beginning. On a spreadsheet. So you have the facts.

Then ask him whether he thinks it is fair that he has saved while you have covered the bills. Then wait. For as long as it takes.

Listen intently. He will be telling you who he is. Listen very carefully. Then decide what you think is fair.

Good luck

Sorry about your loss

FlowerArranger · 17/04/2020 12:48

@HarlinRay... So, you have been paying several hundred £ per month more than him for 15 years, while he has been accumulating large savings, investments (and pensions?). And, on the basis of these he now wants to safeguard a significantly larger percentage of the value of your house FOR HIMSELF? As well as insuring that he can leave his share to whoever he wants, not necessarily you (as wills can be changed).

WOW.

What brought this on? How is your relationship otherwise? Why is he even thinking about what might happen if you were to divorce?

Bottomline: There is NO WAY I would agree to this. If he continues to insist, get legal advice from a competent family solicitor. It would be money well spent.

I'd sooner get divorced than agree to this. Not just because of the monetary unfairness of what he is proposing, but because it reveals something deeply unpleasant in his character and his feelings about you.