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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this a normal financial arrangement for a married couple?

141 replies

HarlinRay · 17/04/2020 11:12

My husband and I are buying a house finally (unoccupied, no need to move until after lockdown as our current lease doesn't expire until October) for cash. We have a shared bank account for household expenses, but separate bank accounts/ISAs/investments. 60% of the money for the house is from my husband's named accounts and 40% is from mine. I assumed we would have a joint tenancy, but he has just said he would rather have a tenancy in common with a percentage interest in the property of 60/40 to reflect our respective investments, with wills to state that we would inherit the other's share. He has said that if we were to divorce, that it's only fair that we only get the percentage we put in upon selling the house or if one of us buys the other out.

I am honestly a little shocked and I'm not sure how to feel about this. Just as a bit of background

-we've been married nearly 15 years
-90% or more of the money we both have has been earned during our marriage (no inheritances or anything like that)
-we both work full time. For most of the first half of our marriage he earned twice as much as me, but I've nearly caught up now
-No living children. Our daughter died at 18 months old near the beginning of our marriage and we were never able to have more children.
-He saves more than me each month, but I pay for almost all of the household expenses, bills, subscriptions, holidays, and council tax (we split the rent). This has always been the case even when I earned much less than he did. I never thought twice about it because I thought he was saving for us, not for himself.

I think I assumed that legally, money earned during the marriage was 'matrimonial assets' (or something similar) but I've been consulting google and there seems to be conflicting information.

So I guess my question has two parts - is this even legal, and would it stand up if we divorced? Not just the house - but our pensions, savings, etc (he has twice as much in savings and investments as I do) And on a non-legal basis, is this normal for married couples who are buying a home together?

OP posts:
PlywoodPlank · 17/04/2020 14:04

A judge presented with a 15 year marriage and roughly equal current earnings is going to do what you'd expect: dissolve the whole thing 50/50. Don't enter into any arrangement that might undermine the protections that marriage affords.

I would insist from now on that all income is immediately split 50/50 into your respective accounts and all expenses shared 50/50. Also all money currently in savings be split equally into your respective accounts. This will equal out the historic injustice.

It's a sad way to run a marriage after all these years, but there you are. Did he miss the bit about what's mine is yours 15 years ago??

pointythings · 17/04/2020 14:07

I think by now you know this isn't OK. Putting together a list of everything you have funded, which has enabled him to save more, will be very telling. If he backtracks at once and it's clear he just hasn't thought it through, you can make some changes and plan for the future. If he gets angry and defensive, it's probably game over and you shouldn't be buying a house but planning a divorce.

okiedokieme · 17/04/2020 14:07

I'm very suspicious. It sounds like he's anticipating a split. Before you hand over your 40% I would have a serious heart to heart. And I would refuse his request

peppermintcapsules · 17/04/2020 14:10

What Fizzy said. Sorry about your daughter Flowers but this man is taking you for a total ride and I would not buy a house with him until it's all 50:50. Just not at all. Hope your conversation goes well. Honestly I'd take photocopies/scans of all his bank statements. He makes me sick, he's been taking massive advantage of you for years.

RoseMartha · 17/04/2020 14:11

I would say 50/50 on house and get him to start paying half the bills instead of building himself a nest egg.

He is unreasonable.

Portabella24 · 17/04/2020 14:11

I am so sorry about your daughter.

When my DP and I bought a house together, 100% of the deposit came from me because I owned a flat and he rented. We are married now but even if not, I would not dream of splitting our assets like that. 17 years later, I am self employed and have lost 75% of my income because of covid 19 so I contribute very little to the household at the moment. That's just how marriage / long term rels should work.

From my understanding, for tenants in common, if he leaves his share of the house to someone else in his will, you could be forced to sell if he predeceases you.

As a PP said, I would not accept this. Has he always been a bit tight or has he been getting 'advice' elsewhere?

OhioOhioOhio · 17/04/2020 14:23

Yeah, what fizzy said.

IchbineinBerlinner · 17/04/2020 14:24

I'd be very happy if you speak ttp you're husband and if that doesn't work have (online mediation) about this issue. Because this is about fairness. Please get back to us after the chat

lynsey91 · 17/04/2020 14:24

That's a disgusting attitude from him and not normal in a marriage at all.

The house should be 50/50. Me and DH have always had a joint account and all our money goes in there and is for both of us.

If my DH felt that way then the house we live in would be totally his as his inheritance from his parents paid for it in total

WitchQueenofDarkness · 17/04/2020 14:26

Holding as tenants in common makes huge financial sense in many circumstances. My DH and I have this so we can leave our respective shares to our own children with the surviving spouse just having a life interest. If I was to die first I would not expect him to live alone but I've seen too many children of first marriages accidentally ( or deliberately) disinherited and all the assets going to wife/husband no2.

I'd have more problems with the 60:40 split.

OhioOhioOhio · 17/04/2020 14:28

Something very similar happened to me. The bastard did everything he could to screw me out of everything and tried to get me in debt.
I was so loyal to my marriage. Don't make the same mistake I did. It's not a coincidence that you don't have as much as him. I'll be very interested to see how he twists this to make you appear totally unreasonable.

rainbow1982 · 17/04/2020 14:29

It's very naughty he's only managed to save more because you paid more of the bills! Plus I can't believe he's even raise it for a poxy 10%? Meanie, I'd have it out with him! I'd also make sure every bill is 50/50 in future

CooperLooper · 17/04/2020 14:31

I just asked my husband for his opinion on this thread and read it out to him. He said your husband is a c**t 🤷🏼‍♀️

OhioOhioOhio · 17/04/2020 14:35

Fk. Honestly this really did happen to me. I'm so annoyed on your behalf. A pp has said to listen to him justify himself. That will be you telling him who he is and what he thinks his, status is compared to you. Then you'll know where you actually stand.

TiredofSM · 17/04/2020 14:40

If you agree to buy as tenants in common then yes, that’s a legal arrangement and he will walk with 60% if separation occurred.
I would not agree to this. Feels like a kick in the gut after so many years together and as husband and wife.
I’d be pushing hard for a joint tenancy agreement and 50/50 ownership or nothing.
I’m also sorry for your loss OP. You sound like a fighter, don’t let him get his way on this one.

Eddielzzard · 17/04/2020 14:46

So sorry about your DD Sad Flowers

I don't know how he justifies that in his mind. I'd ask him why he thinks that's fair. Depending on his answer would determine whether the house purchase goes ahead.

ChicCroissant · 17/04/2020 14:50

Does he have children from a previous relationship OP - there's something about this that sounds familiar, particularly the loss of your daughter. This certainly sounds like it needs more discussion, even if it's because he's trying to ring-fence money for that reason IMO!

As PP have mentioned, how does he see the day to day living expenses being handled from this point on - would it be in the same proportion?

AcrossthePond55 · 17/04/2020 15:09

I'd sit down and go through finances and make a spreadsheet (or similar) for at least the last 2 years showing how much you've paid for living expenses vs how much he's paid as well as the level of savings for each of you. Present him with cold, hard facts.

Then I'd say joint tenancy for the house and going forward house expenses will be either split 50/50 or paid pro-rata based on individual income. I'd also say that he either accept that he's putting in a larger share for a house in joint tenancy because he was able to save more due to you paying more for living expenses, or I'd say that house purchase will be delayed until you are in a position to match his contribution since going forward he will be paying more living expenses.

What's past is past. I don't think I'd 'demand' he top up my savings out of his bigger pot. It would be nice of him to offer, but he'll probably just say that you were 'fine' with it before or that he's using a bigger amount of his bigger savings for the house.

AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 17/04/2020 15:11

Bollocks to that. If he insists on this I’d forget the house, keep my bit of the deposit, carry on renting and split everything 50:50. I would be so petty about it to the point that I wouldn’t so much as but him a coffee in Starbucks without insisting on his £4.74 (or whatever) to cover his half of the bill and I would then use the money saved and my bit of the original deposit to buy my own home. I’d then go and live in it, alone. This is financially abusive and hopefully he just needs to wake up to that and will be mortified, rather than that this is a choice he’s been making on purpose to fuck you about.

And I’m so sorry about your little girl too. Good luck.

Bristolbitsandbobs · 17/04/2020 15:28

Also not sure if others have said this. If he didn't leave you his part of the house in his will, you could find yourself with only half a home and an unwanted house share...

Iamamoleinahole · 17/04/2020 15:28

Oh just tell him to fuck off.

We share everything and always have done. DH does the finances and sets up my isa and his isa the same. I am slightly better off if we divorce. He says I deserve it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/04/2020 15:36

He sounds horrible. I wouldn’t be able to get past this especially if he continued to insist on 60/40. As others have pointed out, if you divorce, you will get half of everything.

I would sit there and write up what you’ve spent above him over the last 3-6 months then tell him you expect half to be refunded to you over the past x amount of years you had to pay rent together. Pig.

Sorry for the loss of your dd. Flowers

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/04/2020 15:39

Of course the other thing you could do would go insist he pays for everything and you will save your complete salary. Then once you reach the same amount as him, you’ll go 50/50 on a deposit. What a lack of critical thinking. Angry

AcrossthePond55 · 17/04/2020 15:43

Also not sure if others have said this. If he didn't leave you his part of the house in his will, you could find yourself with only half a home and an unwanted house share...

^this^

And wills can be changed. And they can be changed without the knowledge of the erstwhile beneficiary.

LadyEloise · 17/04/2020 15:44

Firstly I'm so sorry for your loss. Thats so difficult - you must be strong to survive that.

Your husband is being most unfair and it must be heartbreaking to think he would do that.
I would get GOOD legal advice before I discussed it with him.

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