Is this a normal financial arrangement for a married couple?

[HarlinRay]

My husband and I are buying a house finally (unoccupied, no need to move until after lockdown as our current lease doesn't expire until October) for cash. We have a shared bank account for household expenses, but separate bank accounts/ISAs/investments. 60% of the money for the house is from my husband's named accounts and 40% is from mine. I assumed we would have a joint tenancy, but he has just said he would rather have a tenancy in common with a percentage interest in the property of 60/40 to reflect our respective investments, with wills to state that we would inherit the other's share. He has said that if we were to divorce, that it's only fair that we only get the percentage we put in upon selling the house or if one of us buys the other out.

I am honestly a little shocked and I'm not sure how to feel about this. Just as a bit of background

-we've been married nearly 15 years
-90% or more of the money we both have has been earned during our marriage (no inheritances or anything like that)
-we both work full time. For most of the first half of our marriage he earned twice as much as me, but I've nearly caught up now
-No living children. Our daughter died at 18 months old near the beginning of our marriage and we were never able to have more children.
-He saves more than me each month, but I pay for almost all of the household expenses, bills, subscriptions, holidays, and council tax (we split the rent). This has always been the case even when I earned much less than he did. I never thought twice about it because I thought he was saving for us, not for himself.

I think I assumed that legally, money earned during the marriage was 'matrimonial assets' (or something similar) but I've been consulting google and there seems to be conflicting information.

So I guess my question has two parts - is this even legal, and would it stand up if we divorced? Not just the house - but our pensions, savings, etc (he has twice as much in savings and investments as I do) And on a non-legal basis, is this normal for married couples who are buying a home together?

No. It is not.

If I were you I would be stopping the house purchase until every single asset is in joint names.

The cheek of this underhand little shit. You have been financing his ability to save, now he turns around and says what's in my accounts is mine? No it fucking isn't.

The purchase goes on hold until one of these things happens:

1. You work out how much he's saved at your expense over the years and get that into your name, as he clearly thinks you are not a team and should not view the finances as such;

1. if in fact you are a team after all, all finances get put in joint names;

1. As he's a piece of shit, you change your mind entirely and divorce him.

What a pig.

I am so sorry about your little girl

I am so sorry that you lost your beautiful child xx

He is a hypocrite in allowing you to pay the share of bills you do but when it comes to him being expected to step up he pulls this on you.

I would be very upset in your position. Gather up any financial info you can and present it to him in a rational manner even if you want to throw it in his face yelling 'here you go you big jerk'

I agree with whoever said to ask him to reimburse you for all of the bills you've paid to enable him to save this money.

Very interested to hear his reaction to your conversation tonight. It will tell you a lot about him and his intentions.

Either, he's not thought it through and figures he's been able to save more so his efforts should be recognised in the split (and he hasn't realised how much more you're paying in bills). In which case his reaction should be to immediately back-track and suggest an equal split, or a transfer of money to you to cover his share of the historical bills. And no objection to paying his half of the bills in future.

OR he's well aware you're paying out much more than he is, and he's possibly laying the groundwork for a future separation. In which case he's likely to get angry and defensive.

I hope it's the former and he just hasn't thought it through properly.

I earn much more than my wife but all savings are in her name - initially that was to avoid paying tax on interest when she was SAHM but we've kept it like that as its conveninent (also I'm bad with money so its safer with her). As we're married it never occured to me to need a joint account as it is effectively already joint.

And I pay all the bills because it was just simpler than calculating half of this, half of that etc. Perhaps thats how OP ended up in that situation - convenient to just have all direct debits coming from one account, combined with assumption that DH's savings is for both of them? I mean legally they probably are anyway - if you divorce it'd be split, surely?

I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter.

Having been completely conned by my xh I'd get legal advice. I'd also consider getting rid of him.

I work in conveyancing and that is unusual normally a married couple hold as joint tenants. The arrangement he is suggesting is normal for first time buyers where parents are putting a lump sum in. Or on 2nd marriages were there are children involved. Don’t agree to this and ensure that all bills are either split 50/50 from now on or proportionately to wages whichever is more beneficial to you. You can probably get 30 mins free advice with a family lawyer who could advise you better. Good luck.

I can understand that there may be some couples who prefer to keep their finances separate and protected for a variety of reasons. However what really stands out for me in your post is that the only reason he has significant savings is because you've paid for everything over the years.
Do yourself a favour and estimate what you've spent on household expenses, bills, subscriptions, holidays, and council tax over the past 15 years. Then tell him you will happily accept having a tenancy in common with a 60: 40 split, but first he will need to reimburse you 50% of the costs that you've covered for him for the past 15 years since apparently he doesn't seem to recognise the financial contribution any other way.

When I was getting divorced we both had to fill in a form listing our assets and liabilities. These were pooled and split in the divorce. So 'his' savings and pensions are not just his they are part of assets of the marriage. How they are split depends, it may not be 50:50. Courts consider all sorts of things to arrive at a fair solution.

The thing I'd be most concerned about is I get a vibe he is seriously considering divorce in the future. Is his behaviour odd in any other way?

He is totally in the wrong - what he is saying is unreasonable given what you have said about your contributions.

When DH and I got married I earned a lot more than him and I had a house. He had a flat and sold it and we paid the mortgage of the house with the profit. Then we moved and the house was the deposit on the one we bought. I insisted that we protected what we put in. So his £60,000 and my £130,000. 8 years later we moved again. I am a SAHM and he now earns a substantial salary which is our total income. This time we just bought the house and it is ours, we reckon we are equals in it.
He was fine about it the first time- he could see what I was saying because he had not contributed to the house until the we got married, but it did hurt him that I was saying 'If we ever got divorced' when we were just married!

Reading your situation, it is shit! You have contributed for 15 years and allowed him to save the money he now wishes to protect as 'his'. He is being unreasonable. I am not sure I could get past that if that's what he insisted on. Does he not understand the error in his thinking?

'we paid the mortgage OFF' the house, not 'of'

So very sorry about your daughter.

It’s not a normal arrangement but more to the point he hasn’t discussed this with you. What did he say when you pointed out that it was your bill paying that enabled him to save more I wouldn’t be buying with him.

Probably would be thinking about that divorce scenario too. Nay e time for a fresh start.

Normal is of course relative, but as a husband this arrangement would make me feel uncomfortable.

I'm self-employed and my wife doesn't work, but we both get equal share of the earnings brought in.

We both have pensions and shared savings - all payed equally into by my salary. All properties are in both our names 50/50. In case of a divorce we would both get equal share and would do fine, but I cannot ever imagine planning for a possible divorce from the woman I have sworn to spend the rest of my life with and not the mention the mother of my child(ren). Of course you shouldn't be daft and not think about the future, but after 15 years of marriage this wouldn't sit right with me.

My husband had a house and I put a little amount of money in when I was put on the mortgage, this was after being together for 2 years, not married at that point. We've earned different amounts throughout our now 20 year relationship (we are married now) and have always thought of finances as joint.

It's hurtful when someone behaves like this, I'd want to know why??

tell him you will happily accept having a tenancy in common with a 60: 40 split

NO !!!

As Barton stared above, The (60/40) arrangement he is suggesting is normal for first time buyers where parents are putting a lump sum in. Or on 2nd marriages were there are children involved.

Where 2 spouses start off with nothing and work together as a team, the only fair arrangement is tenants in common, ie a split of 50/50.

So sorry about your lovely daughter

I don't think 60/40 is fair, though - probably more like 70/30, considering the far greater amount that you've contributed towards joint living expenses and household running costs to date.

Alternatively, he could act like a normal married couple, accept his nominal 50% as joint tenants (bumped up from his deserved 30 or 40% because of the married status), thank his lucky stars that he's had so much more disposable income for years because you've been subbing him for all his basic bills and then start contributing his fair share.

I say 'nominal 50%' because, for most long-term committed married couples, the reality is that you both share 100% without any individual breakdown; until one of you dies and then the other owns the same 100% outright as their late spouse obviously no longer has any need or use for it.

Marrying means sharing your life with somebody - there's nothing whatsoever wrong with wanting to be regarded as a separate single person - but if that's your choice, don't marry.

I'm not a fan of joint finances and myself and dp have seperate ones however in your case your dh is a cf and I would be really upset with him and re-evaluate my marriage.

I used to earn a lot more than my husband but now he earns more. He does do things like put the deposit on my car but I pay the installments. Sometimes he will fix something, but I also saved up and did our garden completely.
Not once he said let's share differently, on the contrary, his parents helped us on the deposit of our first house and he always said it would be 50/50 as it's not just that what makes a marriage.

If we were to count the little bits, with all the bedding, towels, food, medicine I buy that he never thinks of I'm pretty sure it would be very equal. You do have your rights.

So now you tell him from now, he pays 50/50 on all household bills, and 60/40 on the mortgage.
That moving forward every expense holidays included will be shared.
Pay none of his private bills.
How much is the difference in deposit in thousands.
You might find you can save enough over time that you gain.

• Whatever happened to "whats mine is yours" and "with all my worldly good I thee endow.? Not much of a marriage partnership eh?*

Fuck that. I'd be pointing out he'd be getting my half of fuck all with that attitude. Let him pay all his bills and fuck off.

Seriously, I'd be prepared to die in a ditch for this argument. It would NOT be happening.

Our family chuck it in the pot and take what we need. That included a very sizable inheritance from my DH family, but started with me putting a house in the mix.

So sorry about your daughter.
He is a complete CF!!!!
As others have said, add up the total extra you have spent on council tax etc...might give him a shock!
He should be ashamed of himself.

And this is not normal, to answer your original question. He’s behaving appallingly.

Also, do you do the majority of chores around the house? I bet you do more of the cooking, shopping, cleaning, laundry and dealing with his parents.

If so, make sure you compare it to the % he does and then charge him £9 an hour for the extra. I mean if he is gong to split hairs then you should too.

so he's obtained more savings by letting you pay his share of the bills and now wants to put you at a disadvantage for sharing...?