Is this a normal financial arrangement for a married couple?

[HarlinRay]

My husband and I are buying a house finally (unoccupied, no need to move until after lockdown as our current lease doesn't expire until October) for cash. We have a shared bank account for household expenses, but separate bank accounts/ISAs/investments. 60% of the money for the house is from my husband's named accounts and 40% is from mine. I assumed we would have a joint tenancy, but he has just said he would rather have a tenancy in common with a percentage interest in the property of 60/40 to reflect our respective investments, with wills to state that we would inherit the other's share. He has said that if we were to divorce, that it's only fair that we only get the percentage we put in upon selling the house or if one of us buys the other out.

I am honestly a little shocked and I'm not sure how to feel about this. Just as a bit of background

-we've been married nearly 15 years
-90% or more of the money we both have has been earned during our marriage (no inheritances or anything like that)
-we both work full time. For most of the first half of our marriage he earned twice as much as me, but I've nearly caught up now
-No living children. Our daughter died at 18 months old near the beginning of our marriage and we were never able to have more children.
-He saves more than me each month, but I pay for almost all of the household expenses, bills, subscriptions, holidays, and council tax (we split the rent). This has always been the case even when I earned much less than he did. I never thought twice about it because I thought he was saving for us, not for himself.

I think I assumed that legally, money earned during the marriage was 'matrimonial assets' (or something similar) but I've been consulting google and there seems to be conflicting information.

So I guess my question has two parts - is this even legal, and would it stand up if we divorced? Not just the house - but our pensions, savings, etc (he has twice as much in savings and investments as I do) And on a non-legal basis, is this normal for married couples who are buying a home together?

I agree with PP it sounds like he feels divorce is definitely in your future, and he's protecting himself very selfishly. I'd be so upset at his attitude.

I've been with DH 10 years and everything is 50/50 with joint accounts, even though he has earned 90% of our income. He says it's 'our' money, never his or mine. We're a team.

Keep calm and start planning. Keep ALL receipts (say your being financially responsible). IF, you get divorced you will be able to prove your part in the finances in court. Any judge these days will either order the following :- house sold - divide by two OR he would have to buy you out.
But I have to ask if after 15 years he is still going on about the possibility of divorce - did his parents divorce or other family members.
You need to start a war chest now - enough for rent of another property - say it's savings for a really nice holiday.

Keep copies of documents for proof.

However, you've been married for 15 years and you know him best so maybe some more discussions need to happen and get to the bottom of his fears??

I also hate this idea of I will take out of this marriage what I put in.
It stinks really. SHARE your life

Fifteen years of marriage, a child together and you have paid a disproportionate amount of the bills and he expects a bigger chunk of the assets?

Bugger that.

Nope, terrible, tight-fisted and sneaky.

I would have said it was fair enough until I read this

He saves more than me each month, but I pay for almost all of the household expenses, bills, subscriptions, holidays, and council tax (we split the rent). This has always been the case even when I earned much less than he did. I never thought twice about it because I thought he was saving for us, not for himself.

So effectively you've been paying all the bills so he can build up a bigger stake in a property? That's bullshit. What is his answer to this? Frankly I'm stunned that you've been paying his council tax, his bills, his subscriptions, and for his holidays! And presumably groceries too? I've never heard anything like this before. How on earth did he get you to think this was a great deal, only to then announce he would be keeping all that money for himself??

You need to sit down and go over this last point. What have you been subsidizing him for if you won't see the benefit? And don't let him palm you off with "why are you thinking about what happens if we split up" because he is. Stop looking for a house until this is settled.

And at the very least from today STOP PAYING HIS BILLS.

Wow, that's got to hurt. You pay more household expenses, allowing him to save more. Then he wants to ring-fence that money from you? Wow.

Me and my dh have had multiple career changes and breaks over the 20 odd years we've been together. I've inherited some money, he's inherited some money. Some times, I earn bugger all, sometimes I pay all the monthly expenses. But we don't count it like that. It's all household money. Because we are a team.

I'd not buy anything with him. I'd stop paying over the odds and I'd make sure my savings pot may he'd his. And pensions matched. If he wants to count all the pennies and keep his investments safe, I'd be making sure I was equal. Then I'd suggest a divorce.

Matched his

Holy shit. You need to start paying equally for household bills right now. He is being deeply unreasonable! How does he not see that?! I would go carefully now OP.

I'd share your dismay with him. 60/40 is such a little difference overall. Does he realise how much this has hurt you?
And you are married so those savings are currently a marital asset and owned by you both. They're not purely his anyway. And neither are yours purely yours.
Questions for him...
Are you worried I will leave you?
Are you thinking about leaving me?
Why are you buying a house with me?
Do you realise our marital assets are joint?
Do you realise we've been married 15 years and a judge would be looking for us to start again on equal fair footings... So as I earn less the judge would probably award me more of the marital assets.
Do you know it cost about 20k in solicitors fees if we got divorced and went to court?

Is he frightened, thinking of leaving or just not emotionally thoughtful??

Show the bastard this thread (I suspect all the answers will be pretty much the same).

OP - I am in shock.

All our money goes into a joint pot. We consider all money coming into the household as our shared money.

Your 'D'H sounds a mean, tight man financially...

I don't personally see an issue with the 60/40 split. However I would most definitely have a problem with paying most of the household bills allowing him to save more. Why have you allowed that to happen? I suggest you sort that out before you do anything else.

Sure you each put something in and then it can be percentages AFTER he has paid you back what he owes for all the bills he has contributed to. Then I bet it'll be 60 % yours and then see what he says.

We weren't married when we bought our house and my then DP paid the deposit as j had very little money in savings after divorce a few years earlier. We bought our house as tennants in common 60/40 and we had a declaration of trust drawn up that said if we split he'd get 60% of the house sale and me 40% everything else we split 50/50. We made wills saying that if we died the other inherited the house share. We have a joint account that we pay so much a month into to cover mortgage, childcare costs and bills and then we each have our own separate current accounts and whatever money is left is ours to spend/save how we like. We got married in October and so I assume that as we're now married the declaration of trust would still stand butbuf one ofus died the ither would automatically inherit the house.

As in if you divorced him right now - not when he'd made you sign an agreement that considerably weakened your position.

How awful - you're quite right to be unhappy with this.

He can change his will at anytime without your knowledge as well, this is very risky for you - especially as he would hold the majority share.

Has he just not thought it through, or is he like this in other ways too?

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter

Why the hell are you paying all the bills and expenses ?? 😳

He is BU and should reconsider. If necessary, you may need to prompt him by drawing together some numbers indicating number of months you have paid for shared expenses, tot it all up, apply an interest rate, et voila, it will probably be equal to the additional 10% you need.

On every finance related question on mums net, I come back to the point that opaque finances allow these situations to develop. Women should be very aware of what they are paying when they earn, and what should be paid by the dh in the event they have jointly agreed that she will not work because she is raising their children instead. I have kept a spreadsheet for all expenses over the past 20 years and "bill" my dh monthly for his share. He can audit the spreadsheet whenever he likes (he never does, he trusts me because the numbers never, ever, lie). We have never had so much as a single cross word about money, as a direct result of this. Adults should KNOW where their money is coming from, going to, and what their fair share of it is.

I'd be asking myself why divorce is crossing his mind now?

In any event it is wholly unacceptable for him to be attempting to profiteer now from the fact he has been stiffing you on bills all these years. I'd definitely be saying 50:50 on the house. I would not be so sure that you would automatically get half if you divorced, say in a year's time, exactly because you have formally agreed that he owns more of the house, so please do insist on 50:50 or stay renting.

Presumably you also have less savings overall exactly because you have paid all the outgoings (WTF)? All savings should either be joint or you should receive an equalisation payment so the two of you have the same.

Going forward, bills should be apportioned so that the two of you have the same amount to spend on yourselves or save at the end of each month. THAT is a proper partnership.

That’s not normal. I had a colleague years ago and her husband paid the mortgage and she paid all other bills. When kids came along this arrangement stood even though there were extra costs. When mortgage rates went down the arrangement still stood. She scraped around for money every month and I always thought it was financially abusive.

How did it ever come to pass that you split the rent but almost every other bill is paid by you? How has he justified that all these years? Surely that would strike anyone as unfair.

Buying a House gives you a good opportunity to address these wrongs. He doesn’t sound like a ‘what’s mine is yours’ kind of person, he seems like he wants to keep finances separate so if you were to split mortgage and bills 50/50 this will allow you to both build up some savings, albeit a smaller amount for him.

Thanks everyone - if I could go back in time I would definitely have an equal split of expenses. It started when we were living rent-free in a flat provided by his job so it seemed fair at the time (though less fair now in hindsight), and over the years it just became the default. I don't think he realises how much it adds up to now so I will be documenting that for him to show how much more he's been able to save directly because of me. Like I said, I totally assumed that his savings would benefit us both just like me paying the council tax and the power bill benefited us both, and since I had a 'what's mine is ours' viewpoint it didn't matter to me which side of our accounts it came from, any more that it would matter whether you scooped some water from the left side or the right side of the basin. Obviously I shouldn't have assumed anything and from today I won't be. Looks like there are some conversations to be had this evening!

Thanks for the condolences about my daughter, it's still appreciated all these years later.

I am so sorry about your daughter

Bills should have always been split proportionately to your earnings, if he earns more, he pays more. All the savings are marital assets. I would be horrified and disgusted at his suggestion at a 60/40 split.

You have been married for 15 years. Not 1. It isn't like he brought £100k into the relationship at the beginning before you were married.

I don't think I could look at Dh the same again if he suggested that.

Very interested to hear what he says after your soon to be had conversation!! He’s a sneaky one.

I’m so sorry about your daughter currently feeding my 14 month old DS and can’t imagine the pain of losing him.

No it's not normal.

Getting married is about becoming a team or a single unit that works together for the benefit of everyone. Whether you're a couple, or a family unit with children.

People bring different things to the team for different reasons- career choice,finance, opportunity, interest, background, personality traits, health etc.

You pick someone to marry based on what they'll bring to a team then you're all in together. Legally and contractually and with the commitment the public nature of that brings.

Otherwise what's the point in being married? If you love each other but want to operate more as separate units with individual responsibility, great you can do that you don't have to get married.

These threads make me think people don't understand the contractual nature of marriage and the philosophical underpinning of why we invented it as a legal institution.