I worry the joy has gone out of life and won't fully return

[MyriamVB]

Firstly a disclaimer. I realise that many many people, including those in the frontline NHS staff, those who lived through and died in the 2 world wars and conflicts since, have and had it far harder. I also realise that the current restrictions are necessary to protect the NHS and save lives. I realise that there were many suffering people in the world and there will continue to be after this.

Obviously very very few people are enjoying life hugely at the minute. I do worry though that amongst all the solitude, strain on relationships, lack of socialising, boredom and listlessness together with the new authoritarian atmosphere around movements, the whole "I saw someone sit on a bench it's a disgrace" thing plus the psychological impact of necessary social distancing that the joy of life won't come back, not properly. It seems all around me people in necessary lockdown are beginning to be significantly affected by it. Even on here, every second thread seems to have descended into name calling and vociferous disagreement and "you're being ridiculous". Is this it now?

I can't stand people like you who seem to revel in other people's suffering

Suffering is like pain, it cannot be compared between people. Of course there is always someone worse off.

I can't believe there are people who seem to think that staying inside for a few weeks is anything akin to wondering when a bomb will drop on your house, or living in the trenches with footrot wondering when you'll have to face the breach and get mown down by machine guns or bayonetted.

@CurrentBun1981 Agreed. It's ludicrous.

The people who say things like ‘stop and listen to a robin sing’ etc I think must have had very different lives to me beforehand.
We moved to the countryside precisely for that lifestyle, a few years ago. We aren’t constantly busy, rushing round here there and everywhere, going to the cinema, meeting with friends all the time etc. We always appreciate nature, have a slow pace of life, spend lots of time as a family etc.
We chose that lifestyle years ago and made sacrifices for it.
So telling me to ‘listen to the robins’ and ‘appreciate a spring day’ doesn’t change the fact that I can’t see my mum,m who is frontline NHS and lives alone, or my dad, or my friends, and doesn’t change the fact that money is a worry etc. The only changes for us are negative. And we’re some of the more fortunate ones.
There isn’t always a ‘bright side’.

A-fucking-men. I am grateful for the small things in normal times. Partly due to family history, I've always been very aware that life might change dramatically and with little warning, and I've tried to appreciate the 'small things' as much as I can while I've been able. Those include spending time with friends, nice conversations with coworkers, taking some time out to read in a coffee shop etc - things it's not possible to do at the moment. I already centred my life around the small things, including taking a substantial pay cut in order to do a job I loved that demanded a lot less of me, so that I could spend more time on hobbies and friendships. There are still many things to be grateful for, especially if you're doing lockdown in relatively comfortable circumstances and don't have to worry about money just yet, but there are objectively fewer of them when you can't do as much as you normally would. And it's okay to struggle with that sometimes.

With the exception of people who really were living in very difficult circumatances before, through no fault of their own, it honestly infuriates me when people twitter on about what a wonderful opportunity this is to find joy in the simple things and how it's all about your attitude. You could have chosen to prioritise those things without tens of thousands of deaths and countless people losing their livelihoods. If you were so unhappy with your life before, and made so little effort to change it that a pandemic followed by a global recession feels like an improvement, I'm not sure that's something to be as smug about as some of you seem to think.

And yes, the current situation is temporary, but no-one knows how long it will last, and some people don't know whether they will ever get those things back. For people who have lost or will lose their jobs, homes, or, God forbid, their loved ones, it's not much consolation to say "it's only been four weeks, suck it up and appreciate the joys of spring". People taking that attitude would do well to remember that it has only been four weeks, and they have no idea what kind of effect all this will have on them after another twelve (or indeed by next year), before being so judgemental.

I'm really happy for the posters who are managing to find some joy amongst the difficult things and are genuinely trying to help OP feel more hopeful, by the way. This isn't aimed at you, but at the people who are all over these threads with competitive positivity and a 'just pull yourself together and stop being depressed' attitude. The PP who said it's tone deaf is completely right.

@psychomath great post

psychomath

Well said

Exactly psychomath, you put it better than I did

And you’re right psychomath, the reason I chose to prioritise those things early on are precisely because I know exactly how short life is, family tragedies have seen to that. I have always made the effort to appreciate the small things, because I know that they are actually the big things. It hasn’t taken a pandemic for me to stop and smell the roses, the death of my brother in his 20’s, the loss of three friends at an extremely young age amongst other things mean I stopped to smell the roses long ago.

Great post psychosomath - with a toddler I already appreciated the small things like walking him in the park until he fell asleep and then going for a coffee while he napped. Or taking him to a garden centre to look at the plants and share a slice of cake. Or going to a mum friend's house for tea and a catch up. Being made redundant would have been a hell of a lot easier if I had that personal freedom.

I doubt very much that it’s taken a pandemic to make anyone appreciate those little things. If they didn’t appreciate them before, they won’t now. The human race is divided into optimists and pessimists, you could give the latter a lottery win and they’d find a downside. Having been brought up by parents who were one of each, I made a very early decision about which I wanted to emulate.

But that’s what some people in this thread are saying Alsohuman. That people should take the opportunity to go for a walk in the spring sun, or listen to the birdsong, or smell the flowers, or spend quality time with our children. Im
just saying some of us already do that, that’s exactly the sort of thing I already prioritise in my life.

It depends very much on your living situation.

If you live in a studio flat in the city centre with no balcony and windows that open one inch, it's a very different situation than living in a house with a back garden that you can sit out in. If you're stuck in essentially one small room almost 24/7, it's a lot easier to get down. If you live alone versus living with a partner, friends or family.

Even small things like your view - whether you can see out.

I remember viewing a flat years ago and I decided not to rent it because when you sat on the sofa, you couldn't see out. All of the windows were above chest height and when you sat you were looking at the walls. Somewhere like that would be incredibly depressing.

I believe people need natural light and not through windows - pretty much every day try getting outside for half an hour. I struggle because of my injuries, it's difficult to walk but thankfully the weather is just about good enough to sit out (I take a square outdoor cushion and sit on the floor).

Everyone's circumstances are very different and just because one person finds lockdown easy doesn't mean they would find it easy if they were in someone else's circumstances.

Not everyone can work from home and if you've gone from only using your flat to sleep essentially from late in the evening until first thing in the morning, to now sitting in it the entire day, it's a big change.

Just finished a 60 hour week, that didn't help with feeling down, but I have a roof over my head, I have food and savings I could be in a lot shittier position.

It's not a great time just now, I have had both parents in hospital this week,

I doubt very much that it’s taken a pandemic to make anyone appreciate those little things. If they didn’t appreciate them before, they won’t now. The human race is divided into optimists and pessimists, you could give the latter a lottery win and they’d find a downside.

Exactly. You can have two people in exactly the same position, one will find positives in life, the other won't. How you deal with things is up to you, and like @Alsohuman I know which way I would rather go.

I can't believe there are people who seem to think that staying inside for a few weeks is anything akin to wondering when a bomb will drop on your house, or living in the trenches with footrot wondering when you'll have to face the breach and get mown down by machine guns or bayonetted.

Yes, it beggars belief doesn't it. As for those who say that at least there wasn't isolation in war time I would rather face isolation any day.

eaglejulesk you’re missing the fact that people on this thread are saying just that. That this pandemic has made them start appreciating the small things... birdsongs, spring sunshine and the smell of flowers. I’ve always appreciated those things. Made it my priority in life to appreciate the small things, because they’re important. I can still acknowledge that for some, this situation is awful and that there are no positives.

Interestingly I spoke to a friend the other day (we both have anxiety) and she said that her psychotherapist explained that people who have anxiety in "normal" times tend to be doing better because the virus has validated a lot of their concerns. I do think for people who had active social lives, didn't think much about their health, have jobs that they feel define them may be suffering more. If you don't have these things there is more normality. Obviously not everyone is the same but not going out is normal for me as a single mum and it has been odd seeing so many people reacting as if this is about to kill them because they can't physically touch/see/breathe on their friends and family. Maybe that sounds harsh, but if this enables a few people to see what social isolation is actually all about (and maybe visit that granny or invite the single mum once this is all over) then I'd rather look at the positives.

"I can't believe there are people who seem to think that staying inside for a few weeks is anything akin to wondering when a bomb will drop on your house, or living in the trenches with footrot wondering when you'll have to face the breach and get mown down by machine guns or bayonetted."

No, but when people ask me to think of what MY grandparents must have suffered during the war, I must say I'm stumped when it comes to my rural-living grandmothers. Neither of them have ever complained of any particular hardships so I don't really know what problems they had. Definitely no fear of the house being bombed in the countryside.
My one grandfather who was conscripted obviously had a hard time.

"I wonder what people living in refugee camps, war zones, countries where tornados and cyclones have just torn through would think if they were reading these threads!"

Just because some people suffer more, doesn't mean we're not suffering under lockdown/house arrest.
Would you say to someone who's had an accident, how dare they feel sorry for themselves because they're not dead.

I understand, OP. Part of the reason I wonder about the future is the sheer cuntiness I've seen people displaying. Here and on other social media. I had a a MN and FB break a little while ago (and the irony of MN suggesting I pay for a premium MN when I've been on it so much less because of how hideous it is is quite funny). I live alone, so no, I'm not 'enjoying more time with my family'.

But I digress - avoiding all social media helps. And limiting watching the news.

@Gwenhwyfar you're absolutely right, but don't you think it's a little about having some perspective? My sister is a frontline doctor. She's been living away from her family for a month now so hasn't seen her kids. She's physically and mentally exhausted and she's scared. So it does rankle with me when people talk about being trapped at home and can't bear to watch any more Netflix. Like there aren't other things to do with their time.

There's a lot of hyperbolic language being used all the time too (trapped, house arrest, I even had saw a post from someone 'devastated' that they couldn't have their hair cut). It's not helpful IMO.

I'm not saying it's easy, it's not - I'm shielding for 12 weeks - but like I said, I think perspective is needed.

Why do people think saying things like" what about refugees living in camps" or "during the war fearing bombs dropping on you" is useful?

People are different and what affects one person doesn't affect another. And? Why should that invalidate the feelings of the person who is struggling? No.what the circumstances I guarantee you can always find someone else worse off so are you saying that no one is ever allowed to be sad, or depressed, or feel lonely, or joyless, or hopeless? That's ridiculous.

I hope the posters telling others to basically pull themselves together never post on MN with a problem of their own, if that's the case.

" So it does rankle with me when people talk about being trapped at home and can't bear to watch any more Netflix. Like there aren't other things to do with their time."

I'm sorry your sister is having a hard time. I think you lack empathy though if you can't see how living like a hermit is not natural or healthy for most people. Do you live with other people and have a garden maybe?

I don't think house arrest is hyperbolic. We ARE under house arrest with permission to go out briefly. I suppose being on house arrest might feel worse if you're the only one and people look down on criminals, but otherwise it's the same isn't it?

I'm sorry your sister is having a hard time. I think you lack empathy though if you can't see how living like a hermit is not natural or healthy for most people. Do you live with other people and have a garden maybe?

I think that's a little unfair @Gwenhwyfar. What did I say in my post that makes you think I lack empathy? Or where I said I think living like a hermit is natural or healthy? I didn't say anything like that so I think you are twisting my words to match your unkind comment.

I'm not finding this particularly easy, as I said I'm shielding so will be in for weeks to come. Not fun.

Harry, you said it rankles when people complain. That suggests you think we don't think we have anything to complain about or that even if we do, we shouldn't complain because your sister has it worse.