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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think more women would stay single if it wasn't for societal pressure

228 replies

penelopepitstopsgain · 16/04/2020 11:19

When you consider women live longer when single, are less likely to suffer mental, emotional and physical distress (16 women and children have been murdered to date since lockdown in the UK) there is a strong public health case that staying single is better for women; yet society often frowns on it and other women often"pity" single women.

FWIW i'm in a LTR, but I've never had an issue being single... in many cases it's been preferable for my peace of mind!

On here you see it time and time again.. women hanging on to the lowest forms of life sometimes with horrific consequences for them and their children, all for that dreaded fear of being alone and it got me thinking..

If there was a PR campaign that positioned being single as the healthy option it is, more women would be brave enough to opt out.

YABU - Women want relationships and society has no influence

YANBU - If single was the norm more women would make that choice

OP posts:
Amigoingmad29weeks · 16/04/2020 11:24

I think it is part of human nature to want a partner and someone to share your life with. I don't think any PR campaign will change that.

araiwa · 16/04/2020 11:24

Im really fed up of these thread belittling women all the time.

nibdedibble · 16/04/2020 11:26

The women I know (generally in LTRs) seem to desire singledom with age, and a feeling that men are just not great in general. Maybe it’s something that comes with experience.

1Micem0use · 16/04/2020 11:26

When a man and a woman get married two things happen statistically.
The woman's likelihood of being murdered increases.
The man's life expectancy increases.
That's because the woman is more likely to die at the hands of the man, and the man is more likely to visit the doctors at the behest of the woman (who will likely be told shes a nag for her efforts).

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/04/2020 11:27

FWIW i'm in a LTR, but I've never had an issue being single... in many cases it's been preferable for my peace of mind!

So other people should be single but not you. Even though it was so great Hmm

Waxonwaxoff0 · 16/04/2020 11:27

YANBU as a long term single woman. I never, ever get stopped asking if I've "met somebody yet." I don't want a relationship but society can't seem to accept that. When I tell people I don't want a partner I get "oh, you just haven't met the right person yet."

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 16/04/2020 11:29

I don’t think society puts pressure on people to be in a relationship, I think there are many others factors that have more impact.

Many just don’t want to be alone so would rather have any relationship than none. Many still subscribe to men work and women don’t so need to not be single to do that. Others want children so settle. Lots had poor role models growing up so didn’t see healthy relationships modelled and copy themselves etc. Too many variables.

I don’t think it needs a PR campaign, we don’t campaign for marriage etc. Both sexes should be happy to remain single not just women.

MarieQueenofScots · 16/04/2020 11:30

Absolutely. I won't ever have another relationship, it simply doesn't bring anything to my life.

I wish I had the insight to realise that when I was younger.

I also think society needs to see positively choosing singledom as a valid life choice and not one that people simply fall into through circumstance.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 16/04/2020 11:30

It's an interesting question, actually and I don't see any belittling going on.

My (anecdotal) view is that a majority of people like to live in a steady, committed relationship. However, I also tend to agree that there is huge societal pressure to do so. When I mention that I'm single, the response is usually: 'Oh, I'm sure you'll find someone' (I do hope not). When someone tells me they're married, my automatic response is not: 'Oh, don't worry, I'm sure you'll soon be divorced'.

So, no: I don't think that you're being unreasonable.

julybaby32 · 16/04/2020 11:31

I've been single for most of my life and am married now. When single the main social pressure I was subjected to was the pressure to have children. I've been told as a newly married woman in my 40s that it didn't matter if I died because I didn't have children and have been told as a single woman that I should go and get pregnant even when I wasn't in a good position to look after a child "in case I wanted a child later". I've been told that the fact that I haven't got children shows I hate children.
I would love to have had children, and suspect that really, the main reason I haven't had the chance is that I'm really very plain looking, and not the sort of friend that people want to party with, although I'm quite a good occasional child care and listening to problems friend it seems.
I totally understand that the life of a woman with children is worth more than someone like me, for the sake of her children, by the way, I'm not arguing about that. I'm just saying what pressures I've experience in the last 30 years.

userabcname · 16/04/2020 11:42

I definitely agree! There's a lot of pressure! I see it irl: I have a few friends and relatives who simply cannot be single - they have to line up their next relationship as soon as they sense the one they are in is coming to an end; plus I have a relative who spent years OLD and desperate for a relationship even though post-divorce she was in a much better state emotionally and financially than she had ever been during her marriage - she is now married again. I also include myself - as a teen I'd have laughed if you told me at 32 I would be married with 2 kids yet here I am. Also I see it on here a lot - "my partner is a bastard/abusive /never lifts a finger/ expects me to pay for everything even though I have no money etc etc but I don't want to be a single mum." Being in a relationship is definitely touted as the ideal.

The only thing I'd say is that I don't think it's just women - I think men do have the same pressure (not exactly the same and obviously the "lad/player" lifestyle is admired while women get the slut/spinster labels, plus men can be single a lot longer and still end up settling down and having kids while women don't have that time biologically) because generally in society being in a relationship is seen as A Good Thing.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/04/2020 11:47

When someone tells me they're married, my automatic response is not: 'Oh, don't worry, I'm sure you'll soon be divorced'.

Bet you’re a hoot at parties.

Deathraystare · 16/04/2020 11:50

I am pretty happy being single. Obvs there are a few (very few) times it might be nice to be in a relationship. However, women do have more choice now (unless in a culture that expects women to get married and have kids). No one ever pressured me. Anyway, both my brothers are dads so mum got her grandkids!

When ever anyone asks why I am not married I ask why they are!!! The most vociferous are those who are divorced = so I should suffer too???!!!

LilacTree1 · 16/04/2020 11:53

Women yes

Men - possibly yes. I think the world has morphed into “you’re a weirdo if you don’t want a partner”. The term “commitmentphobe”.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 16/04/2020 11:56

Bet you’re a hoot at parties.

I have my moments. Do you? Grin

lemontreebird · 16/04/2020 11:56

I think you're right, @penelopepitstopsgain.

I'm married, but if he dies first, that's it for me.

ViciousJackdaw · 16/04/2020 11:57

Anne You've completely misunderstood what others are saying twice now and we're only on page 1. Is everything OK?

DDIJ · 16/04/2020 11:59

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

hyacinthbouquetsbucket · 16/04/2020 11:59

I'm single and have been for years, I love it and wouldn't change it before the world. Listening to many of my colleagues I can't see why they stay in their relationships.

KathyBriggs360 · 16/04/2020 11:59

I think so OP. I've been treated badly by men ever since they turned their gaze on me as a teenager growing up. After my last partner beat me black and blue I decided enough was enough and have embraced political lesbianism though I think being single is great too.

Too many women believe that their lives aren't complete unless they have a man but I think we are waking up as a sisterhood and realising that we are just fabulous as we are. And you are fabulous too. Don't ever let them tell you that you aren't because you don't have a boyfriend x

AgeLikeWine · 16/04/2020 12:01

Most women instinctively want to have children. That is biology, not social conditioning. They naturally want their children to be brought up in a secure, stable environment. Marriage, for most women throughout history and across all human societies provides the security and stability that they instinctively want for their children.

Obviously, this doesn’t apply to all women. I am very happily childfree by choice, but I’m not most women.

MarieQueenofScots · 16/04/2020 12:01

When someone tells me they're married - absolutely fine and part of normal conversation.

When I tell someone I'm single and its met with "oh don't worry I'm sure you'll meet someone soon" or my own personal favourite when I say I'm not looking to meet someone "well never say never". At that point I will ask "what will happen when you divorce?" - if they say "oh that won't happen" I respond with "well never say never".

Works a treat for the more obtuse to examine their conversational skills.

HugeAckmansWife · 16/04/2020 12:02

I agree it's one of the first things people ask. And not just being single but cohabiting or married. I've been with dp for nearly 4 years but we are not interested in cohabiting. It suits us and our respective children not to attempt to blend our families and I really enjoy the autonomy but people always ask when we'll move things along.

MarieQueenofScots · 16/04/2020 12:04

They naturally want their children to be brought up in a secure, stable environment

I agree absolutely. But I don't think a relationship is the only way to provide that?

blackcat86 · 16/04/2020 12:05

This was covered in the bbc stacey dooley documentary about hidden cameras porn in Korea. So many women are abused when dating that many choose to just remain single and therefore the birth rate is plummeting. I remember watching a film where men were effectively bred out because women became a sexual and would spontaneously become pregnant with female children. I think if this happened; if having children without men became more accessible and less judged then women wouldnt be tied to men as much.