To think more women would stay single if it wasn't for societal pressure

[penelopepitstopsgain]

When you consider women live longer when single, are less likely to suffer mental, emotional and physical distress (16 women and children have been murdered to date since lockdown in the UK) there is a strong public health case that staying single is better for women; yet society often frowns on it and other women often"pity" single women.

FWIW i'm in a LTR, but I've never had an issue being single... in many cases it's been preferable for my peace of mind!

On here you see it time and time again.. women hanging on to the lowest forms of life sometimes with horrific consequences for them and their children, all for that dreaded fear of being alone and it got me thinking..

If there was a PR campaign that positioned being single as the healthy option it is, more women would be brave enough to opt out.

YABU - Women want relationships and society has no influence

YANBU - If single was the norm more women would make that choice

I am mid (late !) 40s and finally ended my long terms and very unhappy relationship last Dec
It’s amusing how many people ask me when I get back on the horse
I have been single for 3 months !

But no , I can’t think of anything i want less than getting back in the shark pool

I am so, so happy being single!

Was thinking about that earlier.

When I was in my teens and 20s it was the be and end all to get married - that was the goal, seemingly.

But WHY? There's so many women who just settle, as OP said in her op.

I do dream about moving to Yorkshire, alone, with the kids and a dog. Must be easier.

Whereas my mum used to always say "when you get married. when you have kids"

^

Me too.

My gay male friend said something to me that I will always remember. He talks to alot of straight men, and he tells me all the terrible things that they say about women. "Women are worth nothing", "women are just for sex", "women are only good for the bed and the kitchen".

He said "why are women so nice to men, when men are not nice to women?".

The way the world is right now - full of abuse and disrespect for women, women do have a role to play in it.

We need to :
put ourselves first
See how valuable we are
Don't let bad men near us, if we get into a relationship - choose very carefully - is he good enough for us
Set boundaries.
Know that we are perfectly whole and complete by ourselves.

Going into a relationship? How is that impacting your freedom?

Well, the first thing that springs to mind is that when I go off on a course/conference or some such, and Mr Right Now asks if I want to spend the night with him then, if I'm in a committed relationship, I'm not particularly free to say 'yes'. And sometimes I like to say yes

I'm in my late 50s and have been very happily married for 30 years. we suit each other very well - neither of us is easily bored and needing to be entertained all the time so lockdown has been fine. If god forbid something were to happen to him I think I would stay single though.

I think even if you got rid of societal pressure there'd still be an instinctual drive to pair up and have children. Lots of animals form pair-bonds, sometimes for life, sometimes not. And humans are animals at the end of the day.

@Lockheart and there's loads of animals who don't form pair bonds. It "proves" nothing.

Maybe if we didn't live under a patriarchy women would live in communal groups, sharing child rearing etc. and permitting males entry for reproductive purposes, like lionesses I can't "prove" that either.

And while we are animals biologically I think society, culture and religion, economy etc. has far more influence on choosing to marry/be in a relationship/have children than instinct. Because we have evolved beyond instinct in almost every other aspect of our lives and our choices. Why should having children be any different?

I think the societal pressure on women to marry and have children is the lowest it has ever been and continuing to diminish. Like many I grew up with a constant litany of “when you marry” or “no one will marry you if you continue to do x” and “when you have children” or “I expect twenty grandchildren” type comments. TV and magazines all glorified weddings and babies.
It was worse for my mother. She had to worry about her reputation while a young woman working, god forbid she have men over and no way would a male flat mate be acceptable. She watched men who had lower degrees than her get hired ahead of her, while she was told they were “better qualified”. She literally was sacked the day she married because it was legal then and a married woman is expected to just have babies and stay home and raise them. She struggled to go back to work when we were school age and was subject to disapproval and being a social pariah. I remember women saying “oh you poor dear you must feel so abandoned to come home after school to an empty house. Shame your mother works” or kids at school teasing me “you’re so poor your mother works!”
I see it is better for the generations younger than me. So that gives me hope. Personally, I never looked to get married but I found the right man. It’s been 26yrs and I can’t imagine being without him. The key is to not have married or single as an expected “norm” because what ever is “the norm” becomes what we pressure women towards. There should be no pressure just tolerance.

YANBU OP. It took me a while to realise it but I'm so much happier single.

I like flirting and dating but no one will be moving in anytime soon.

10 years single and it's staying that way.

I'm wondering if it would be better for us in general to be in relationships with other women and just cut men out of the equation in general? If men are the reason that women in relationships die younger and are more depressed (which I 100% agree with) then perhaps it should be a better idea to socialise ourselves into having partnerships with people of our own gender. This would drastically lower the rates of domestic violence and spousal rape.

I never considered myself single, I was just a person. Others would comment on my status, but it’s not something I really thought about...
I’m married now, and it’s great. I thought hard before getting married. I’d had plenty of opportunity to get married before, but was 40 when I did.
I do think some friends felt societal pressure / wanted kids. And some are divorced now. I’m not sure it’s exclusive to women, though...

And by the end I felt that I was in a prison that I wanted to get out of.

so you were with the wrong person.

There's nothing right or wrong with wanting to be single or not. What I disagree is pretending that everyone in a relationship is a victim, who has to tip toe around someone else, and who is crippled by compromises.

You don't have to be with someone who has completely different taste and goals, it's perfectly possible to enjoy doing things together.
It's also possible to have your own life without being attached at the hip - but when you get on with someone, you might not even want to do things without them that much anyway.

Do you look down at 2 friends or siblings who go travelling together for a year? Same thing with a couple, they might actually enjoy themselves.

It's possible to make a choice without implying that others who made another choice are miserable.

I'm wondering if it would be better for us in general to be in relationships with other women and just cut men out of the equation in general?

I don't think that would be better for people who (a) aren't gay or (b) don't want a relationship full stop!

I think lack of money/support is a big factor, rather than necessarily wanting a relationship per se.

I am not very employable, and I have poor organisational skills. I wouldn't meet UC job seeking criteria, but nor would they exempt me from them. So I'd be sanctioned for as long as they are permitted to do it.

So without my partner, my daughter and I would be starving. That's not why I got together with him, but I don't know what I'd have done without him.

It's historically normal for men to support women financially. If we had a more equal society though, e.g. Universal Income, it wouldn't be necessary.

I'm wondering if it would be better for us in general to be in relationships with other women and just cut men out of the equation in general?

ahem, no thank you!

@KathyBriggs360 and @ Annamaria14 I agree entirely.
It's clear from many posts on here that we don't always act in our own best interests, possibly fueled by that over arching desire many women have to be nice and accommodating to everyone else!

I omitted to mention the economic impact which some posters have rightly pointed out as this is now huge - whereas back in the day one person could afford a home it's now virtually impossible so many women will feel that added pressure to couple up along with possible biological drives.

I just think with heterosexual marriage being at the lowest levels in the UK since records began (cohabiting is increasing however) we should look to recognise that singledom has many benefits and look to develop structures to celebrate and support that as the overall health benefits are indisputable.

@cheddargorgeous I have often wondered if elephants have the right idea! Looks like a gentle, peaceful sort of existence only occasionally interrupted by the mating season :P

Interesting.

I think historically this was true, even when I was young (mid fifties now) but DD generation, she is 22, are far less bothered about having a partner and don't feel the societal pressure. Having said that, she was surprised when she came back from uni in London to see that some of her old friends were in serious relationships. It was much rarer in her London uni life.

I agree with PP that in my twenties and thirties I really wanted to be in a relationship. In twenties that was pure societal pressure. In thirties it was a HUGE biological clock alarm going off

By the time my youngest was about two I was ready to be on my own again and hated being in a relationship. Wouldn't dream of coupling up now - what for?

@MarieQueenofScots yes I understand it is probably better for women to be single if they want to but as for not being gay, I am a strong believer that every woman has the potential to be attracted to other women it has just mostly been socialised out of us from birth.

That is not me having a dig at anybody by the way, I am just as guilty as most people who fell for the idea that we must be with a man but I am slowly starting to come round to the idea that I can be sexually attracted to other women. We just have to break through our conditioning first x

I think you’ll find women who were born before advances in childbirth / live in places where there is a role for them in the main family unit live longer while single. It will not be the same for women born in the 50s onwards. There is evidence to suggest that being married helps men and women in western countries to stave off dementia for longer (in the absence of an extended familial network).

I am a strong believer that every woman has the potential to be attracted to other women

I really struggle with that concept. I find it very difficult to imagine being attracted to a woman.

@VeniceQueen2004 oh yes I forgot about elephants. They are wonderful and have fantastic family set ups.